“What’s he gonna do when he’s out?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Well…tell him I said hi when you talk to him again.”
He looked at me and one corner of his mouth curled up into a smile.
“I will.”
I knew the conversation was done…or at least I’d hoped it was done. It was hard talking about Jesse, probably because I hadn’t done it in so long. Sitting with his best friend though and being back in Carver brought back a lot of memories though…memories I’d tried to forget.
Chapter Three
I saw my grandmother at least twice a week and my family and I made our best efforts to have lunch or dinner with her as often as we could. Between my Uncle Mike and Aunt Debbie and my mom and I, we made it work. I’m not sure if she even knew we were there sometimes, but we still went. It was a nice place and she had pictures of my cousins, Danny and David, and me everywhere. I tried bringing her fresh flowers from work whenever I could. It made the room sunny and cheerful.
I hated Alzheimer’s. It was a horrible disease, worse than death sometimes. It didn’t just take my grandma’s mind away where she didn’t know me, but it took away her personality and who she once was. My grandma always had a light in her eyes. It was hard to explain, but she just made people happy when she was around them. That light was still there, but it was dimmer now and I worried about the day it would be extinguished forever.
Some days were good and some days not so good. As I sat across from her playing a game of Yahtzee, I watched her shake the cup and thought today seemed like a good day. I thought she recognized me a little.
“Well, look at that,” her slow voice said as she smiled down at the dice. “I got another Yahtzee.”
“You sure did, Grandma,” I replied even though the dice showed three fours, a one and a two.
“I think I’m gonna win.”
“I think you will too,” I said, smiling at her and she handed me the cup. I started shaking it and watched as the dice spilled on the table.
“How’s Jesse?” she asked as I counted my points. Her question caused me to stop what I was doing and look at her. This wasn’t the first time she’d done this. She often forgot I was no longer with Jesse. I was actually impressed she remembered Jesse at all. Whenever she asked about him, I didn’t correct her. It wasn’t worth it and I didn’t want to confuse her even more. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t get me thinking about the past though when she brought him up. It was even more emotional this time because seeing Brandon had conjured up so many old feelings as well.
“He’s good,” was all I said, hoping her memory would slip and we’d focus back on the game.
“Can he play with us next time?”
“Sure,” I said, handing the cup back to her and I saw one of the nurses, a sweet girl named Paula, walking towards us.
“Barbara,” Paula said in a sweet voice, resting a hand on my grandma’s shoulder. “It’s your turn for a haircut.”
“Didn’t I just have a haircut?” she asked, confused.
“It’s time for another, Grandma,” I said, taking her hand and pulling her to her feet.
“Well, okay,” she agreed as I walked her over to where a woman from a local salon had set up shop.
“I’m gonna go now,” I said to her after I’d eased her into the chair and then she cocked her head, looking at me peculiarly and I knew the light was out and she didn’t know who I was.
“Excuse me? What’s your name again, honey?”
“I’m Riley,” I said, smiling at her, even though I felt the tears forming in my eyes, just like they always did when she forgot who I was.
“Nice to meet you,” she said, smiling at me, even though her eyes were vacant.
It was hard visiting my grandma. Sometimes I wanted to drive away from the nursing home and never come back. It would’ve been easier that way. I wanted to remember my grandmother the way she’d been, not who she had become. I couldn’t do it though. Even though it was hard, I didn’t want her to appear as one of those old people who had no one that loved them in the world. She was loved and because of that, I’d keep going.
As I drove towards my house, I was tired. It’d been a long day at work and I wanted to get home and rest, but then I remembered how bare the fridge was. Mom had been working crazy hours at the hospital and I didn’t feel like having another sandwich for dinner. I made a right turn and headed to Dillon’s.
I hated going to the grocery store and I walked up and down the aisles mindlessly, filling the cart with anything that looked good. It was always a bad idea to go shopping when hungry and the contents of my cart reflected that. I walked down the cereal aisle and my eyes found the Lucky Charms. I smiled and stopped, picking up a box and looking down at it. It’d been at least two years since I’d had a bowl of it, but it used to be my staple breakfast food. When I’d first moved to Carver, my grandmother had loaded the cupboards with it since I’d loved it so much as a kid. When I left for college though, my days of Lucky Charms had practically ended. They looked good though and before I could give it a second thought, I put the box in the basket.
I looked up and started pushing the cart, but then I froze and it felt as if everything around me stood still, like one of those scenes in a movie where the world was spinning around the character nonsensically. The soft music playing from the PA system went mute and the other shoppers were nonexistent. My heart started pounding and I felt the breath escape me and all I could see were his gray eyes. I saw him, but I knew it couldn’t be him. He’d disappeared from my life…from everyone’s life. No. It couldn’t be him, but then I heard his voice, and it sounded just as I remembered.
“Riley.” His voice was low and nervous and I knew it was him. I’d already known, but when I heard my name float off his lips, I finally believed it. I’d always loved the way my name sounded when he said it.
It had been nearly four years and he stood only yards away from me now. I’d wondered where he was and if he was okay and now I knew. He was here, standing so close I only needed to take a few steps to be next to him again, but I didn’t move. I stayed still, taking him in. He looked even better than I remembered. He looked more mature and I didn’t doubt he was. Everything he’d been through the summer his dad died and time in the Marines would force anyone to grow up. His dark hair was cut shorter than I’d ever seen it with a perfect fade and trimmed sideburns. He was wearing dark jeans and a black t-shirt, which showed he’d bulked up since he’d been away. He wasn’t smiling and his eyes were as wide as mine as we stared at each other. I took a step to turn the cart and leave, but I couldn’t move. It seemed like he wanted to do the same, but his feet stayed planted firmly to the ground and our eyes remained locked. Even if I could move, I knew I couldn’t. We couldn’t just walk away from each other as if we were strangers…as if we’d meant nothing to each other, but I didn’t know what to do and so I stood there, trying to control the beating of my heart.
“Jesse,” I finally said. I was expecting my voice to be louder than it came out. I don’t know who made the first step, but we were walking slowly towards each other and soon we were only a few feet apart. He smelled just as a I remembered. Fresh cologne and something else I’d never been able to pinpoint…but it was all him. Ever since he left I’d tried to put him behind me and tell myself it was for the best, just as he’d insisted, but now that he was right in front of me, everything came rushing back. “What…what are you doing here?” I stammered.
“Brandon…I came to see him.”
“He…he didn’t tell me you were in town,” I said softly, unable to meet his eyes again.
“Yeah…I didn’t tell him. I just kinda sprung it on him. It was a last minute decision. I just got in last night,” he said and an awkward silence settled in between us. I knew I should probably say more, but my mind was racing as I tried to comprehend that I was actually talking to Jesse, that he was really here and I wasn’t just imagining this. Part of me wanted
to run away too. It was almost suffocating being so close to him after all this time. I wanted to slap him and yell at him and run into his arms all at once. I didn’t, of course, and we just stood there.
“Well…” I said as I finally looked up to meet his eyes again. “I…I should go.”
“Yeah, me too,” he said softly and we stood there a moment longer before I found the strength to finally turn the cart around and head in the opposite direction, feeling the distance growing between us as I tried to figure out why there was a lump growing in my throat. And then I paused and turned to him, when I heard my name again.
“Riley!” Jesse’s voice called out and I tried ignoring the ache in my heart at the sound of my name on his lips. “It was good to see you.”
“You too,” I said, my voice pushing painfully through that lump in my throat. “I’m glad you’re okay.”
And this time when I turned away, I didn’t look back.
****
Somehow I’d managed to check out and pay for my groceries. I’m not sure how coherent I was and my mind got lost in the rhythmic beeps as the checker moved my items across the scanner. I’d swiped my card, loaded the groceries in the trunk and drove home robotically. I didn’t even turn any music on. I just stared at the road, replaying the encounter over and over in my mind. The road became blurry at points, but I refused to let any tears escape. I’d already wasted too many tears on him. I was over him now and I wouldn’t waste anymore.
I unloaded the groceries when I got home, forcing the image of Jesse from my mind whenever he tried to invade my brain. It was a futile effort though because he always managed to sneak in somehow. I could still hear his voice and when I closed my eyes, his intoxicating scent was still there. The pain I’d finally escaped returned, raw and fresh and I shook my head, begging him to stay away.
I busied myself making dinner. I’d never been known for my culinary skills and my mom was surprised when she got home and saw dinner on the stove. It wasn’t much, just spaghetti and a salad, but she seemed grateful to see a hot meal waiting for her.
“This is really good. When did you learn to cook?” she asked with a slight laugh after a few bites.
“I don’t think I have. I got lucky I guess. It doesn’t take a lot of skill to brown some ground beef and dump a jar of Ragu on top.”
“Well, it’s delicious. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” I said and we continued to eat in silence, which wasn’t normal. One of us was usually babbling away about something, but not tonight. It was quiet and I knew she was suspicious by the way she eyed me from across the table. I couldn’t stop thinking about my run in with Jesse. It was almost like a dream and I found myself asking if it had even been real.
“Are you okay, Ry?” my mom asked after the silence had lingered too long.
I looked at her and thought for a second about telling her I was fine…that I’d just had a long day at work…that I missed Evan, but she knew me too well and she’d know I was lying.
“I saw Jesse today,” I finally said and I saw my mom’s fork full of spaghetti stop mid-way to her mouth.
“Did I hear you correctly? Did you say you saw Jesse Baylor?” She looked at me and I nodded. “Where?”
“At Dillon’s. We ran into each other in the cereal aisle.”
She set her fork down and just stared at me.
“How is he?”
“He seemed okay. We didn’t say much,” I said softly and we were quiet again.
“Are you okay?” she asked, raising a concerned eyebrow.
“I’m fine,” I said, trying to sound nonchalant. “It’s been forever. Why wouldn’t I be okay?”
“It couldn’t have been easy seeing him after all this time…especially with how things ended between you two.”
“It was strange, I’ll admit. It was like I couldn’t believe what I was seeing at first.”
“Will he be in town long?”
“I don’t know. I think he came to see Brandon, so I doubt he’ll be here long.”
“How do you feel about that?” she asked and the way she was eyeing me reminded me of Matt and the way he looked at me when trying to get me to delve into the deep recesses of my mind.
“I’m fine. His life isn’t here anymore, so it’s probably best if he just leaves town again.”
My mom didn’t say anything for a while, but I knew she wasn’t buying my complacency.
“Do you think you’ll get a chance to talk again?” she asked and I thought about it and then shook my head.
“No, I doubt it,” I said as I pushed the spaghetti around on my plate.
“Isn’t there anything you want to ask him?”
I put my fork down and then looked up at her.
“No. He made his decision when he left. I have a new life and I’m happy. It’s probably better if we just leave the past behind us.”
“That’s a very mature attitude,” my mom said and I noticed the surprised look on her face.
“Well, I’ve grown up a lot since Jesse left. He needed to go and I understand that now, but it doesn’t mean I want to rehash it.”
She just nodded and we kept eating until our plates were clean. We loaded the dishes into the dishwasher my mom had installed a couple of years before. It was a luxury she finally decided we couldn’t live without and I had to agree with her.
My phone rang as I placed a glass in the top rack. Wiping my hands on the dish towel, I walked over to it and saw it was Evan. Normally, I would’ve picked it up right away, anxious to hear his voice, but as I stared down at his picture on the screen, I was filled with mixed feelings. I think I was still in shock over seeing Jesse and I didn’t know if I had the energy to talk to Evan, but then I thought perhaps hearing Evan’s voice was exactly what I needed after my encounter with Jesse and I picked up the phone.
“Hey,” I said as I walked out onto the porch and sat down on one of the old white rocking chairs.
“Hey.” His warm voice washed over me and I relaxed. I’d been a crazy mix of emotions since seeing Jesse, but I was glad I’d picked up the phone. Knowing Evan was on the other end of the line helped set my mind at ease.
“It’s good to hear your voice,” I sighed, leaning back into the chair.
“You okay?”
“I’m fine. It’s just been a long day.”
“What’d you have for dinner?” he asked.
“I made spaghetti.”
“You made dinner?” he said with a laugh and I grinned at his insinuation. “What was the occasion?”
“Just felt like it. What are you doing tonight?”
“Not much. Just eating some leftover pizza and watching TV. Wish you were here though.”
“Me too,” I said softly, closing my eyes.
“I miss you, Ry.”
“I miss you too.”
“I was thinking I’d come down in a few weeks. Would that be okay?”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah. It’s only a four hour drive. I could come for a long weekend if that’d be alright.”
“Of course it would be. I can’t wait actually,” I said and I smiled as I heard him breathe on the other end of the phone. I missed Evan and I needed to hear him tonight. We stayed on the phone for another hour talking about nothing really, mostly our jobs, but it was good just to talk and keep my mind off of the day’s unexpected events. When we finally hung up, I just sat on the porch, rocking slowly as the crickets chirped around me. A train whistle blew in the distance and I closed my eyes as I listened to a sound I’d always associated with Carver…of home, but as I listened this time, it suddenly didn’t feel so much like home anymore.
Chapter Four
Mandy and I told Brandon we’d stop by after work and hang out. I was nervous as I approached his house though and I found myself looking for the familiar Wagoneer Jesse drove. I knew it was stupid. He probably didn’t even drive it anymore. I didn’t even know when the last time was he’d been in Carver. The old Jee
p probably didn’t even run anymore. Still, I looked for it and breathed a sigh of relief when I didn’t see it out front. Mandy’s car wasn’t there either. Brandon answered when I knocked on the door and I could tell by the way he looked at me, he knew I’d seen Jesse.
I followed him into the living room where we sat on the couch and I started talking before he could say anything.
“Why didn’t you tell me Jesse was back?” I asked him. I heard him sigh and look away for a moment before he turned back to me.
“I didn’t know he was coming. He said he might, but I didn’t know till he got here.”
“You could’ve called me, Brandon,” I said, and I hoped I didn’t sound as agitated as I felt. I knew I had no reason to be upset with Brandon, but I wanted to blame these emotions on someone and he seemed like a good target.
“I was gonna. I didn’t think you’d run into each other at Dillon’s. I thought I’d have time to talk to you…to see if you even wanted to see him again.”
“I was just…well, I was shocked when I saw him. Some warning would’ve been nice.”
“I know and I’m sorry. It couldn’t have been easy to just run into him like that.”
“No, it wasn’t. It was completely awkward,” I said and then looked to him curiously. “What’d he say about it?”
“Not much. Just that he’d seen you and he hadn’t known what to say.”
“How long’s he staying?”
“I don’t know. He didn’t tell me,” Brandon said as both of our heads turned when the doorbell rang.
“Enter!” Brandon called out and I heard feet that sounded much too heavy to be Mandy’s walking towards us. I got a nervous twist in my stomach as I thought about who it probably was. My fears were founded when Jesse’s tall frame entered the room. He couldn’t have been surprised to see me. My car was out front. It was the same car I’d had since I’d met him. Even so, when our eyes locked, it was with the same look he’d given me at the grocery store.
Carry Me Home (The Home Series: Book Three) Page 3
