“Hey, Jess,” Brandon said, his voice finally breaking our locked stare.
“I’m sorry if I’m interrupting,” Jesse said, looking over at Brandon as if I didn’t exist. “I came by to see if you wanted to head to the shooting range.”
“Um…” Brandon hesitated as he looked over to me. “Mandy and Riley were coming over to hang out.”
“I should’ve called, but I was heading out there to see Glenn and thought I’d come by and see if you wanted to come. We can catch up another day,” Jesse said and I saw his body shift as if he was going to leave.
“You should stay,” Brandon said and he looked over to me for approval. “It would give us a chance to catch up. All of us.”
Jesse turned to me and somehow I nodded.
“Yeah. You should stay. Mandy will be here soon.” I don’t know why I encouraged him to stay, but I didn’t want to see him walk out that door.
“Are you sure?” he asked and I could tell he was nervous by the way he shifted his weight from one foot to the next. I nodded again and he took a few slow steps into the living room, sitting on the couch beside Brandon. It was more than obvious he’d avoided sitting next to me. The room was awkwardly quiet and so unlike the way it used to be. My friends and I used to be so comfortable with each other. That had all changed now though and I’d wished it could be different. It should be different. It seemed like a life time ago since Jesse left. I’d gone to college. I’d fallen in love with someone else. Jesse had joined the Marines and had been God knows where doing God knows what with God knows who. We had different lives now and it didn’t matter that we’d once been in love, so deeply in love it made my stomach hurt sometimes, the fact was, that was the past and this was now.
I watched Jesse as discreetly as I could and I knew he was nervous. He probably thought I was still mad at him and I knew he wouldn’t be the one to talk first. I had to show him I was over everything that had gone down.
“I’m sorry I was so abrupt at the store yesterday,” I said and Jesse turned to look at me. “I was just shocked to see you.”
“Me too. I didn’t know you were back in Carver,” he said, but then our conversation was interrupted when there was a knock on the door. I knew it was Mandy by the quick footsteps. She stopped at the entrance of the living room, her mouth agape when she saw Jesse. It was obvious Brandon had neglected to relay the news of Jesse’s homecoming to Mandy as well by the way she was staring at him, her eyes darting between him and me. If it wasn’t already awkward enough, the way Mandy looked at us made sure everyone was aware of the tension in the air.
“Jesse,” she whispered softly as her eyes locked on him. I could see she was going to cry and when she finally blinked, tears spilled down her cheeks. “Jesse!” she shouted excitedly, having found her voice. He stood up and she practically ran into his arms. “What are you doing here?” she sniffled as she wiped her eyes when she’d let him go.
“I came to see Brandon.”
“Well,” she said, looking at us all with a huge smile. “This is…well…I don’t know the words, but this is awesome! I didn’t think we’d ever see you again, Jesse.” She reached over and hugged him again. “Does Holly know you’re here?” Jesse shrugged his shoulders. “Well, Holly has to know because she’d want to see you. We have to get together…the way it used to be!” Her voice was chipper, but my eyes drifted slowly to Jesse and I saw he was eyeing me too.
“Slow down, Mandy,” Brandon finally interjected. “We don’t even know how long Jesse’s in town for.”
“Well, let’s ask him then,” she grinned, turning to Jesse. “How long are you here for?”
“I…I haven’t decided yet,” he stuttered.
“Then we have to get together before you leave. I’m gonna text Holly right now,” she said, whipping out her phone and she started typing away furiously. “It’s too bad Laura’s all the way in Oklahoma. We should all be together. It’s been for…” and then she suddenly stopped, her eyes raising slowly up from her phone, her mouth open as her eyes got wide and she stared at me. “I’m sorry,” she winced quietly as if the awkwardness of the situation was just registering with her. “I got too excited and I didn’t even think about you two.”
“You’re fine, Mandy,” I said and then her gaze moved to Jesse and he smiled easily.
“It’s okay,” he added.
“Should I send the text then?”
“It’d be nice to see Holly,” Jesse said and a little part of me cringed because I’d been hoping he’d say no. I didn’t know if I really wanted to hang around like old times. I’d put the past behind me, but having Jesse so close didn’t make it easy to forget how he’d broken my heart. When we’d said goodbye that day at the airport, I’d been hopeful about our future. I knew it wouldn’t be the future I’d envisioned and I was terrified of spending the thirteen weeks he’d be at boot camp apart, but I knew when he got done, our life could be some kind of crazy adventure. When he’d said goodbye to me, I hadn’t expected thirteen weeks apart to turn into forever. I’d replayed our goodbye about a million times in my head and looking back, I realized I shouldn’t have been as shocked by his letter as I was.
“Don’t forget how incredible you are. You’re going to have an amazing life. Take care of yourself and remember how special you are. You’re gonna be alright.”
The words he’d said to me as we said goodbye at the airport churned over and over and I understood he’d been telling me goodbye then, I just hadn’t wanted to hear him. His letter had made it perfectly clear though:
Dear Riley,
Let me start by telling you how much I love you. I never thought I would love someone as much as I love you. You are the best friend I’ve ever had and I will miss you more than you could possibly know.
I’ll never forget when I first saw you sitting in Mr. Barry’s class, looking bothered and annoyed, but you were the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. I think you already know this, but I fell in love with you that day. The time we’ve spent together have been the best of my life, even if it’s been hell lately.
I had to leave Carver because I can't be the one that drags you down with me as I try and find my way. I love you too much to do that and while you may not see it now, you’ll realize it’s for the best. You deserve to be young and happy. You deserve to have a normal college experience. You don't need a boyfriend half a world away dampening your life. You need to laugh and have fun. If this summer has taught me one thing, it’s that you deserve someone better than me. You deserve someone who can offer you more than I can. I could have been that someone, but since my dad died, I've been broken. You’re too good for me.
I realized this that day I walked in on you and Matt in the flower shop. You were so beautiful and happy and you didn't even realize I was watching you. You were smiling and laughing and I realized I couldn't remember the last time we'd laughed like that together. You deserve to laugh and be happy. You deserve someone who can give that to you.
I’m sorry for saying goodbye this way, for taking the coward’s way out, but I couldn’t stand to see the look on your face as I tried to explain and I needed the opportunity to say this without interruption. I never hurt so much as when you're hurt and I’m sorry that I’m hurting you, even though I promised I never would. So, it turns out, not only am I coward, but a liar as well. I guess it’s just more proof that I’m not good enough for you.
I will never forget our time together and all the memories that I will take with me wherever I go. Please live your life and be happy. That’s all I want for you because you deserve everything you want in life. Thank you for loving me and letting me love you. I hope one day you can forgive me for doing this to you, because I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself.
-Jesse
I’d read that letter more times than I could count until I eventually threw it away six months later. Holding onto it only made me sad, reminding me he had chosen to leave me and I knew it’d be impossible to move
past him if I held onto it. Still, I remembered reading it the first time, that day on the couch when he left, Matt at my side. I didn’t know how to react. I felt sick, like I might throw up, and the tears poured down my face, although I didn’t make a sound.
“Riley. I’m sorry.” I could still hear Matt’s voice and I could feel his arms around me as I cried into his chest. I’d thought it would always be Jesse and me and as I came to the realization he had other plans, I didn’t think I’d ever be okay again. It’d been the worst day of my life. Worse than the day I discovered Alex had used me because I loved Jesse and the thought of never seeing him again was not something I could wrap my mind around.
“Great!” Mandy’s lively voice brought me back from my reverie. “Text is sent.”
Jesse sat down and Mandy took a seat beside me. The room was quiet until Mandy’s phone beeped a second later.
“Okay…so…” Mandy said as she scanned her phone. “Holly is stoked you’re in town and totally wants to get together. She can’t come tomorrow, but she’ll be in town Friday afternoon. How does that work for everyone?”
We all glanced around the room, making eye contact and nodding and Mandy grinned.
“Excellent! Where should we meet up?” she continued and I wondered if she realized she was the only enthusiastic one in the room. Her smile got even bigger and she looked at Jesse. “What about your place, Jess? I mean, it only makes sense. That’s where we always hung out. Can we meet there? Ya know, make burgers, go four wheeling?”
Our eyes all focused on Jesse and I wondered what he’d say. I knew he hadn’t sold the house yet, but I didn’t know if he’d want us all there.
“Um…yeah…why not?” Jesse said, shrugging his shoulders and I didn’t know how to take his reaction. I couldn’t tell if he really wanted us to come or if he just didn’t know how to get out of it without sounding rude.
“If you’re not up to it…” I interjected, but was cut off by Jesse.
“It’s fine, Riley,” he said, looking over to me. “It’ll be good to have the company.”
My phone buzzed just then and I glanced down at the text from my mom.
“Um…my mom wants me to join her for dinner with my grandma tonight,” I said, reading the text, relieved in a way because even though I said I was okay sitting in the room with Jesse, I knew I probably wasn’t. My mom had given me an excuse I didn’t even know I needed. “I’m sorry to bail, but I’ll see you guys on Friday. Text me the details, okay, Mandy?”
“Yeah, sure,” she said, giving me a curious look.
“Have fun,” I said and didn’t bother waiting for them to respond as I walked out.
Chapter Five
“I had to read Mandy’s text like five times to actually believe it,” Holly said. She’d just gotten in from Manhattan and had come straight to my house. “I haven’t seen Jesse since we had lunch with him at A&W before he left for boot camp.” She stopped talking and then looked over at me. “Sorry. I don’t mean to be carrying on. How are you doing with all of this?”
“I’m okay.”
“Are you sure?” She looked at me doubtfully and I knew she didn’t believe me.
“I’m not gonna lie. It was hard to see him at first. I didn’t expect it and it took me by surprise. Shocked the hell out of me, but I’m okay.”
“Really? Because I don’t see how you could be after the way he just left.”
“I don’t want to rehash this. I really don’t. It’s in the past. There was a reason he did what he did and I’ve moved on.”
“I know you have, but that was before you saw Jesse again. That had to have changed things.”
“Changed? No. It hasn’t changed anything. But, I’d be lying if I said seeing him didn’t bring it all back.”
“And how do you feel about all that?”
“Part of me is still hurt and pissed off, but what am I gonna do? I still care about him. He was my best friend and I’ve missed him, but I can’t carry on about it. I really believe everything happens for a reason and even though I didn’t think so at the time, I guess mine and Jesse’s lives weren’t supposed to go the way I thought they would. I’m with Evan and Jesse’s with…well, I don’t know what he’s doing, but it’s not my concern anymore because he’s not my boyfriend…hasn’t been in over three years. I mean, I’ve been with Evan longer than I was with Jesse.”
“You know I like Evan. He’s great, but what you and Jesse had was different and it was special.”
“And it’s over,” I said flatly.
“I really don’t know how you’re handling this so calmly, like it’s no big deal. I really expected you to freak out or something.”
“And where would that get me? Nowhere. Besides, I already did that, remember? It wasn’t pretty,” I said, looking over at her and she nodded and I could tell her mind was drifting to the same place mine was.
When Jesse left and I realized it wasn’t just for the thirteen weeks, that it was forever, I thought I might not recover. I was eighteen and so crazy in love with him, I couldn’t imagine a life without him, not when everything I’d planned had been ripped out from under me. I’d spent the summer watching him fall apart, watching his world fall apart, and doing all I could to help him, even though it turned out, I wasn’t actually helping him at all.
The night he left, I was in denial. Matt stayed until my mom got home and then he turned the babysitting over to her. I’d been surprisingly okay, but by the third night, it hit me and I sobbed uncontrollably when Holly, Laura and Mandy had come by after I hadn’t returned any of their calls or texts. I hadn’t told them about Jesse’s note, but when I told them everything, I lost it. Yelling and crying and basically crumbling.
“No, it wasn’t a good time,” Holly said, shaking her head and we both returned to the present.
“Let’s just go and hang out. Who knows, it might actually be fun?” I said, shrugging my shoulders.
“I wish I could share in your optimism,” she said doubtfully and I knew she wouldn’t think I was optimistic if she knew what was really going on in my head. “Jesse’s making burgers, right? Because I’m starving.”
“I guess that’s the plan. Mandy’s in charge of everything. We should probably get going actually,” I said, standing up and Holly followed.
I hadn’t been to Jesse’s house since the morning I picked him up to take him to the airport and I didn’t know how I would feel seeing it again. The drive took longer than I remembered and when the familiar blue house came into view, it was as if nothing had changed. It looked exactly as I remembered it and when I opened the door, I half expected to see Rocky and Jasper, Jesse’s dogs, come bounding out of the house to greet us. I knew they wouldn’t though. I’d been with Jesse when he’d driven them over to his uncle’s house before he left.
I knew Brandon and Mandy were already there when I saw Mandy’s car. I looked over to the shed, which was actually more like an airplane hangar, and saw Jesse pulling the grill out. He looked up when he heard us. I hung back, but after an initial hesitation, Holly walked over to him, embracing him tightly. As I watched their warm reunion, part of me wished I could’ve greeted him that way, because despite everything we’d once shared and how it’d all ended, I couldn’t recall a time I’d ever been happier than when I’d seen him that day standing in the grocery store and I had wanted to run to him too because he was safe and okay and really, that’s all I wanted for him. Above everything else, he was my friend and I’d missed him more than I’d ever missed anyone. I couldn’t welcome him back like Holly though.
Instead, I walked slowly, my feet dragging as I made my way towards the house. I didn’t quite know where to go or where my place was here and part of me wanted to just go home. I started second-guessing my decision to come and thought maybe I shouldn’t have been part of the reunion. Maybe things were just too different now.
“Hey! Riley!” Mandy’s voice called out and I turned to see the screen door opening. She held it open and Bran
don followed behind her. It still amazed me how agile he was with his prosthetic and I found myself forgetting he was disabled at all. “You made it!” She walked over quickly and hugged me.
“Yeah…of course I did.”
“I just thought you might back out or something. Ya know…because of Jesse and all?” Mandy said meekly and I saw Brandon nudge her and she looked apologetically at me.
“I’m fine,” I told her and she decided to change the subject.
“Jesse’s just getting the grill started and Brandon and I got the burgers together.”
“Brandon’s not going to be making a fire, is he?” I laughed and he shook his head.
“No. I retired from fire making. I told y’all that the last time we were together.”
“I know you did, but I wasn’t sure if all of us being together again was making you feel nostalgic,” I said, grinning to him as I heard Holly’s voice.
“Brandon!” She ran over to him with more vigor than she’d greeted Jesse with and stopped in front of him. I could tell she wanted to hug him, but she looked nervous. “I had to get a hold of myself before I hugged you. I might’ve knocked you down otherwise.”
“There’s no way you could knock me down. I’m sturdy as a tree.”
He opened his arms and she went into them. I was surprised by Holly’s reaction to Jesse and Brandon’s returns. She was usually very stoic, but having them both around again was obviously too much for her. When she pulled away, I could tell she’d been trying to fight back the tears.
“You look amazing,” she said, wiping her eyes.
“You seem surprised. I’ve always looked good,” he smirked and she slugged him.
“You know what I mean,” she said, hugging him again. “I’m so glad you’re okay. I was so worried about you.”
“Yeah…so worried it took Jesse returning to get you to come and see me,” Brandon laughed.
“No,” Holly said quickly. “I didn’t know when you were coming home and when I found out, I was gonna come soon…it’s just with class and stuff…it was hard to leave and then when I found out Jesse was only in town for a little while…” she stuttered and then Brandon cut her off.
Carry Me Home (The Home Series: Book Three) Page 4
