“No,” he said softly, focusing on the shirt he was folding.
“It must be weird to be back,” I said quietly.
“Yeah…it is,” he agreed, tossing the shirt into a box and then he looked up at me. “Especially since I didn’t expect to find you here. I mean…I figured it was possible, but I thought maybe you wouldn’t come back here during the summers. I don’t know.”
I didn’t know how to take his comment.
“And I didn’t expect to see you,” was all I said and it grew quiet, but neither of us took another piece of clothing to work on. “Was that why you stayed away? Because of me?”
Our eyes met and his looked sad.
“Partly,” he admitted and I nodded.
“Was that your plan? To never see me again?” I asked, doing my best not to sound antagonistic.
“I don’t know what my plan was. I just couldn’t come back to Carver.”
“But you’re here now,” I interjected softly and he nodded.
“I am.”
“And is it so bad?” I asked as a slight smile curled up on one side of his mouth.
“No. It’s not bad at all,” he said, finally turning and taking out another shirt and the silence settled in again as we worked. “I’m glad you called, Riley.”
I stopped what I was doing and looked over to him. Jesse was focusing on the sweater he had in his hands and didn’t meet my eyes.
“Yeah,” I said softly. “I’m sorry how things went the other day.”
“You don’t need to apologize,” he said, putting the sweater away and then placing it in a box before walking over and sitting on his dad’s bed. He looked as if he was thinking and I didn’t know if I should keep working or join him. “I’m surprised you even agreed to talk to me when I showed up at your house.”
“Yeah, me too,” I said as I decided I should join him.
We sat next to each other on the bed and I tried to ignore the pull I felt towards him. We hadn’t been alone like this since the morning he left and after so long, I never thought we’d ever be together again.
“I can’t defend what I did to you, Riley. I thought it was the right thing to do. I still think I needed to leave Carver, but how I handled things with us wasn’t right. I wish I could take back everything I said to you and everything I put you through.” His voice was low and he was staring down at the carpet until his eyes rose and met mine. “Leaving you was the hardest thing I ever did and I know it wasn’t easy for you.”
“It was hell,” I interrupted, doing my best to bite back the tears I could feel forming in my eyes. I knew I shouldn’t be crying. There was nothing between us anymore, but this was a conversation we should’ve had before he left, and all the emotions bubbling up were from that time. All the feelings I was feeling had been suppressed since he left and since I had the chance to speak with him again, everything was coming to the surface.
“I know you don’t want to hear it, but I want you to know how sorry I am for handling it the way I did. I never really thanked you for how you supported me when my dad died. It was a bad time and I took you for granted. I was so confused and scared and I didn’t think it was fair to you to bring you down with me. Please believe me when I tell you I only had your best interest in mind. I just wanted you to be happy and I couldn’t watch as I kept hurting you.”
“I wish you would’ve talked to me and told me how you were feeling.”
“I should’ve, but I didn’t. I didn’t know how to make you understand and I’m sorry for not even giving you the chance to try and understand. That was wrong on my part,” he said and it was quiet again as I thought about what to say.
“Would it have mattered anyway? If you’d talked to me before you left?” I asked and he shook his head.
“Probably not. Not the way I was thinking back then. I had my mind made up and I knew you would’ve just tried to change it.”
Our eyes met again and I felt a lone tear escape as I thought back to the missed opportunities. I knew he was right. I would’ve tried to stop him from breaking up with me. I would’ve been furious and if I’d been like that, we wouldn’t have shared the precious moments we did before he left. When I found out he was joining the Marines, I was devastated, but I’d resigned myself to the fact he was leaving. I didn’t know he intended to end things between us, which allowed me to cherish the time we had together. Looking over at him now, I knew it had devastated him as much as it had devastated me. Before I could brush the tear away, Jesse reached into the nightstand and pulled out a handkerchief. He handed it to me and I quickly wiped it away, embarrassed he was seeing me cry again.
“I was so angry at you, Jesse.” My voice cracked through the knot in my throat.
“I know you were and you had every right to be,” he said as his hand rested on my thigh and my eyes drifted to the familiar hands. They looked older, more weathered and I knew they’d been through a lot since I’d last held them.
“I just don’t understand how you just left without blinking an eye,” I continued as a few more tears escaped.
“I know you think it was easy for me, but it wasn’t,” he said and I saw him swallow hard and when he spoke, his voice cracked. “I thought about you every day…I hoped you were okay.”
“Then why didn’t you call? Why did you just disappear?”
“Because I had to. If I talked to you, I’d just want to come back and I couldn’t. I had to do this and I wish I could have without hurting you. I’m so sorry,” he continued and I just nodded as he pulled his hand off my leg. “I wanted to call you so many times though. You don’t know how many times my finger rested on that send button, but I knew calling you wouldn’t be fair.”
“Was it worth it?” I asked after a few quiet moments and then dried my eyes, determined not to cry anymore. “Are you okay now?”
“It wasn’t worth the pain I caused you, but I think I’ve finally straightened myself out.”
“You’re good then?”
“I think so.”
“Did you like the Marines?” I asked. I wanted to know about his life after he left and I hoped he’d share some of it with me.
“I did, but I’m anxious to get on with my life.”
“And what’s that going to consist of?”
“Going to school…like we’d planned four years ago,” he said, giving me a little grin.
“What do you want to do?” I asked.
“You’re gonna laugh.”
“Why would I laugh?”
“You just will.”
“Just tell me. I promise not to laugh,” I prodded and then waited a few seconds before he told me.
“I think I want to teach history,” he said, eyeing me peculiarly as he waited for my reaction.
“Why would I laugh about that?”
“Because we used to make fun of Mr. Barry all the time.”
“Yeah, because he was such a tool,” I laughed. “Just make sure not to wear tweed or grow a mustache and you’ll be an awesome teacher.”
“I’ll be sure to remember that. No tweed or stache,” he laughed.
“Have you decided on a school?”
“Not yet. I’m thinking about the University of Washington or Oregon. Some place I’ve never been.”
“You’re not staying around Kansas then?” I asked and I wondered if he picked up on the disappointment in my voice.
“Nothing’s set in stone. I’m not sure if I’m ready to come back to Kansas,” he said and I just nodded, before I noticed the curious expression on his face as he looked at me. “And you’re good?”
“Yeah. I’m fine,” I said, trying to sound confident, when the truth was, my confidence had been shaken from the moment I saw him in the cereal aisle at Dillon’s.
“How’s school going?”
“Okay. One more year and I’m done.”
“I hear you’re going to be a physical therapist.”
“That’s the plan.”
“What do you want to do
with it?”
“I’m not sure yet. Maybe work at rehab center or maybe even in a school.”
“Have you thought about a veteran’s hospital at all?” he asked and I found myself smiling as I thought about Brandon.
“That’s actually a really good idea,” I said and then I noticed the way he was looking at me, as if he wanted to ask me something and he wasn’t sure if he should.
“Mandy tells me you have a boyfriend,” he eventually said and the ease with which we’d been talking was instantly gone the moment his words left his mouth.
“Yes, I do.”
“Is it serious?”
“Yeah. Evan and I have been together about a year now.”
“And what does he do?”
“He’s an accountant. He lives in Kansas City actually.”
He nodded and then a small smile spread on his face.
“I’m glad you’re happy,” he said and then paused for a moment. “You are happy, right?”
“Yes,” I said quickly. “Evan and I are happy.”
The room filled with silence again and I found myself wanting to know about his love life since he’d been gone.
“And what about you? Are you seeing anyone?”
“No,” he answered.
“Have you?” I continued to pry, even though I knew I shouldn’t.
“I’ve seen a few people,” was all he offered and I just nodded, wishing I hadn’t brought it up. While we’d been cordial to each other, I doubted either of us was really comfortable discussing our relationships. “Nothing serious though.”
I just nodded and decided to steer the conversation away from the subject.
“How long will you be in Carver then?”
“I’m still not sure. I’ll stay here until I figure out what to do. I need to head back to North Carolina to tie up some loose ends and get…” he said, but was cut off by the ringing of my phone.
“I’m sorry,” I grimaced, grabbing it and quickly looking down at it and I could feel my face curling up in surprise when I saw who it was. “It’s my Aunt Debbie. That’s weird,” I said, looking over to Jesse. “She never calls me.”
“You should get it.”
I nodded and held it to my ear.
“Hello?”
“Riley, honey,” my aunt’s voice said and I don’t know why, but I instantly sensed something was wrong. I don’t know if it was the tone of her voice or the fact that she sounded too sweet, but I knew.
“Hey,” I said nervously. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah,” she said, but I sensed hesitation in her voice. “Everything’ll be fine.” She paused and I looked over to Jesse anxiously. His eyebrows creased in concern and I just shrugged. “It’s your grandma.”
“What’s wrong?” My voice was hurried now and Jesse looked even more worried.
“They’re not sure, honey. Why don’t you come on down to the hospital?”
“Hospital?”
“They brought her here just to be safe. Just come down. We’ll fill you in when you get here.”
“Okay.” I pulled the phone slowly from my ear, sliding it back into my purse. “I…I’ve…I’ve gotta go. It’s my grandma. She’s at the hospital.”
I stood up, looking around to make sure I had everything and started walking towards the front door.
“What’s the matter with her?” Jesse asked, following me.
“My aunt didn’t say. I guess they don’t know. I just need to get down there.”
“You’re in no state to drive.” I felt his hand rest on my arm as I was getting ready to leave.
“I’ll be okay. I don’t even know what’s wrong yet and I’m not gonna worry until I know there’s something to worry about.” I was trying to really think that way, but I could feel tears threatening at the back of my eyes.
“I’m sure everything’s gonna be fine, but let me drive you.”
“You don’t have to…” I began to protest, but then he reached for my keys and I knew he wouldn’t relent, so I just sighed and forced a smile. “Thanks, Jesse.”
He didn’t say anything, but he nodded and I followed him outside.
Chapter Eleven
My aunt met us in the waiting room. She looked tired and I knew she was trying to hide her concern when she saw me. I also noticed the way she looked at Jesse, obviously surprised to see him standing next to me, but she didn’t say anything.
“Where’s grandma?” I asked, not bothering with a greeting.
“She’s resting.”
“What happened?”
“They think she had a heart attack.”
“A heart attack?” I whispered as my eyes grew warm. “Will she be okay?”
“She should be alright in time. They’re just watching her now.”
“Can I see her?” My voice was wavering, but she nodded and I followed her, Jesse a few steps behind.
It didn’t take long to get to my grandma’s room. I followed Aunt Debbie inside and stopped when I looked over at the bed where my grandmother laid. Her eyes were closed, obviously sleeping, and the heart monitor beeped rhythmically, like a pendulum keeping time. Her skin was pale and her mouth was dry, with white flakes around her lips. She didn’t look a thing like my grandmother. I felt a hand slide into mine and I turned my head to see Jesse beside me and when I looked down, our fingers were curled together. His touch was so familiar and I felt myself calm knowing he was at my side. When my eyes traveled back up to his, I was taken back to the last time we’d been together in a hospital…the day after his father died. Jesse had been so lost and I’d just wanted to be there to support him. I tried imagining what he’d been feeling that day, and even now as I waited on news about my grandma, I knew I could never understand what he’d been dealing with.
My uncle was sitting in a chair beside my grandma and I looked around, wondering where my mother was.
“Where’s Mom?” I knew she had to be here. She worked here after all.
“She’s just talking with the doctor,” my uncle said and he stood up, walking over to us. He gave Jesse the same look Aunt Debbie had. “Jesse,” my uncle’s deep voice said as he extended a hand. Jesse let go of mine and shook it.
“Good to see you, Mr. Smollett.” Jesse’s voice sounded surprisingly strong, even though I knew he had to be nervous seeing my Uncle Mike for the first time in almost four years.
“Don’t look so sullen, kid.” Uncle Mike turned to me and he was smiling under his thick mustache. “Your grandma’s gonna be fine.” He gave me a side hug that seemed a little awkward. I hadn’t grown up knowing my aunt and uncle. I’d only met them a handful of times before I moved to Carver. Over the years though, we’d developed the best relationship we could, but it was still a little forced at times. My uncle didn’t quite know how to deal with girls, having only sons, my cousins Danny and David.
“Are you sure?” I asked, stepping back to my place beside Jesse.
“Nothing’s for sure, honey,” Aunt Debbie said, walking over and running a hand through my grandmother’s hair.
The door opened then and my mom walked inside. She was in a pair of blue scrubs and I focused on her face. My aunt and uncle could tell me whatever they wanted, but I only trusted my mom. She looked tired, but she didn’t look nearly as frantic as I felt.
“Hey, baby,” she said, giving me a quick hug. “I’m glad your aunt got a hold of you.”
“How’s grandma?”
“She’ll be okay.”
“Really?” She could sense my doubt and she hugged me again.
“Yes. It was a mild heart attack. She’ll stay here for a few days, but she’ll be okay.”
I let out a noticeable sigh and I felt Jesse’s hand on the small of my back. He looked relieved when our eyes met and as suddenly as his hand had appeared, it was gone.
“Hello, Jesse.” I’m not sure if my mom was just noticing the fact he was with me, but she was looking at him with an expression I couldn’t explain. She didn’t look ang
ry. She looked relieved actually and then she smiled, walking over to him and wrapping her arms around him. The way she held him reminded me of the way she’d been there for him the night his dad died. My mom was a petite woman and Jesse towered over her, but just like that night, he seemed so vulnerable in her arms.
“Hi, Mrs. Regas,” he said when they pulled back. His voice wasn’t nearly as strong as it’d been with my uncle. It was timid, as if he was preparing for my mom to start berating him over the way he’d left things. “Riley and I…we were just talking. I…I hope you don’t mind that I’m here.”
“Not at all,” she said and then looked over to me and I could tell she had questions, but they would obviously have to wait. “It’s really good to see you.” She reached out her hand and rested it on his arm, causing the anxious look on his face to recede a bit and he seemed to relax.
He hung back while I walked over to my grandma. I took her hand in mine. It was soft and warm. I was always amazed at how soft her hands were. It was probably from all the Liz Taylor White Diamonds lotion she applied every morning and every evening. She still had it at her nursing home and I caught a whiff of it as I stood above her bed. Her eyes flickered a little bit and then they opened for a moment. They were a dull gray instead of the bright blue I still remembered. They floated closed and her head tilted to the side and she was out again.
The door opened then and a nurse walked into the room.
“I’m sorry to interrupt, but I need to get Barbara’s vitals.”
I squeezed my grandma’s hand and leaned down, kissing her on the cheek, before turning away. The nurse slid by me and began entering something into the computer on the cart she’d brought in with her.
My mom motioned for us to step outside the room, and we all followed her into the hallway.
“She looks terrible, Mom,” I said.
“Don’t worry, Riley. I would tell you if you needed to worry. Give her a few days and she’ll be back to her feisty self.” I wanted to believe her, but the thought of anything happening to my grandmother freaked me out.
“Listen to your mama,” Aunt Debbie piped in and I turned to her and nodded. I knew she was right. My mom would never lie to me about something as serious as this.
Carry Me Home (The Home Series: Book Three) Page 8
