“I’ll finish up my shift here and then stay with her for a while,” my mom said.
“I can stay,” I offered quickly.
“No offense,” my mom began. “But, you’ll just get in the way. Come back tomorrow and see her. She should be awake by then and hopefully you’ll get to talk to her.”
I knew she was right. I wouldn’t do any good just sitting in the room getting in the way of the doctors and nurses who were trying to look after her.
“Go on home and we’ll call you if anything changes,” my uncle said as the nurse walked out of the room, smiling at us before heading down the hall. My aunt and uncle gave me a hug before going back into my grandma’s room and I turned back to face my mom again.
“Promise you’ll call if anything changes, right?” I asked anxiously.
“Of course,” she said and then turned her attention to Jesse who stood quietly next to me. “Why don’t you come to dinner tomorrow, Jesse?”
I could tell by the look on his face he didn’t know what to say.
“That’s really nice of you to offer, but I don’t want to impose with everything that’s going on right now.” I couldn’t tell by his tone if he genuinely didn’t want to come or if didn’t feel he should come.
“You wouldn’t be imposing. It’d be a nice distraction.” She smiled again at him and I saw the edge of his mouth curl up a little. “Please come.”
“Okay,” he relented. “Thank you.”
“Six o’clock okay?”
“Sounds good,” he said and then my mom leaned in, giving me another hug.
“I’ll see you when I get home, whenever that is.”
I nodded and watched as she joined my aunt and uncle in the room, leaving just Jesse and I alone in the hallway.
“Are you alright?” he eventually asked and I nodded.
“Yeah, I think so.”
“She’s gonna be okay.”
“I know,” I agreed and then looked over to him again. “Let me drive you home.”
Chapter Twelve
We didn’t say much as we drove back to Jesse’s, instead letting the music of Graham Colton on my iPod fill the silence. I waited for Jesse to make a wise crack about my choice of music, the way he used to. I almost wished he would to lighten the mood, but he remained quiet.
“Thanks for coming with me,” I said when I pulled up in front of his house.
“I’m glad I was here.” I waited for him to open the door and get out, but he didn’t. He just sat there for a few quiet moments, his eyes focused ahead. “You wanna come inside? I mean…it’s getting late and you haven’t eaten and I don’t think you should be alone right now.”
He looked over to me, his eyes sparkling from the dashboard lights and I could tell he meant what he said. Even after everything we’d been through, he still cared about me.
“Okay,” I said simply, turning the car off and following him to the front door.
“I don’t have much in the house,” he said, flicking on the kitchen light as I sat at the table and he began rummaging through the fridge. “Are bologna sandwiches okay? I’ve got pastrami too.”
“Pastrami’s fine,” I said. “Can I help?”
“Just sit and relax for a bit.”
I nodded and watched as he put the sandwiches together as I leaned back in my chair, relaxing for the first time since getting the phone call about my grandma. The silence in the room was broken by my ringing cell phone though and I instantly tensed up again as I feared it was my mom calling with bad news. I was relieved though when I saw it was Evan.
“Hey,” I said into the phone.
“Are you okay?” he asked right away. The worry must’ve been evident in my voice.
“Yeah…yeah, I’m fine.”
“What’s goin’ on?” he persisted and I sighed. “Riley. Talk to me.”
“I’m fine, Evan. My grandma’s in the hospital. I just got back.”
“Is she okay?” he asked quickly.
“Yeah, she will be.”
“Are you okay?”
“I’m just tired.”
“Do I need to come down there?”
“No. I’m fine. She’ll be okay. I’m just drained. Emotional overload, I guess.”
“Hey…I’m sorry, babe. I’m glad she’s gonna be alright though.”
“Can I call you tomorrow?” I asked, not wanting to talk to him about it right now.
“Sure,” he said, and I could tell he was taken aback. “I love you.”
“Love you too.” I hung up the phone and I saw Jesse eyeing me, but he didn’t say anything and a few moments later, he set a plate and a glass of ice water in front of me and placed a bag of chips between us. We ate quietly and when we were done, Jesse gathered the dishes and set them in the sink before joining me back at the table. I knew I should get up and go home, but I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to be alone right now. I knew my grandma would be okay, but I didn’t want to go home and stew over it.
“Can we go for a ride on the mule?” I asked suddenly and he turned to me, obviously surprised by my request, but then he smiled.
“Yeah, let’s go.”
We walked outside and the little red truck was in its usual spot. I didn’t wait for Jesse and I jumped into the passenger seat.
“You don’t wanna drive?” he asked.
“No. I just wanna ride.”
He got in and turned the key. It turned over, but didn’t start.
“C’mon,” Jesse grunted as he kept turning the ignition and pumping the gas. “Piece of crap,” he mumbled and then it finally sputtered to life and he grinned victoriously and turned to me. “Where to?” he shouted over the rumbling engine.
“Surprise me,” I called back and we lurched forward, bumbling up the driveway until Jesse made a sharp left and then we were flying as fast as the little truck could carry us down the road. My hair blew wildly around my face and I didn’t bother trying to hold it back. It felt good whipping around, the warm air gliding over my skin.
“I’ve missed country cruisin’!” he called over to me. “All we need now is some Florida Georgia Line and this would be perfect.”
“That is one thing I didn’t miss when you left. Your terrible music!” He just grinned at me and I smirked, surprised by the ease of our banter.
“It’s better than that angst-ridden crap you call music!” he shot back and I just glared playfully at him.
“That angst-ridden crap is awesome!” I laughed, but he just shook his head and throttled the accelerator, forcing me to grasp the roll bar just in time for him to hit a dip in the road, causing my stomach to flip flop. I’d forgotten how much fun this could be and as I glanced over to Jesse, barely visible in the dim headlights, I could see enough of his face to know he was having fun too. It felt as if he’d never left. As if we’d just picked up where we’d left off, before the police showed up at Jesse’s house that night, shattering his entire world. I found it hard to think of that Jesse, not after the way everything had changed when his dad died. The happy memories were sometimes hard to recall because the emotions after the death of his father had been so intense. The hurt in his eyes, the pain so deep, I could only watch and try and help him. It was easy to remember those things because they’d burned so deep into both of us and it had destroyed something I’d thought to be indestructible. Watching his smile though and hearing his laughter as we tore through the thick, summer air, my mind moved past that time, back to when he was happy…when we were happy and I remembered what it felt like before it all changed and I missed it.
I don’t know how long I watched him, his eyes so intently focused on the road, but he turned to face me, smiling, almost shyly and I looked away, hoping he didn’t see the redness in my cheeks. I saw the dark silhouette of the trees lining Mrs. Kramer’s property and I knew that’s where we were headed. Nervous knots twisted in my stomach as we drove closer. Going back that night with Brandon, Mandy and Jesse had been strange enough, but now it was just
us. Jesse and me…alone, and I didn’t know how that would feel.
He eased the mule to a stop at the edge of the pond and when Jesse killed the engine, it was too quiet. The water looked black as I stared ahead. There was only a sliver of moon in the sky, offering very little light. Jesse got out and started heading towards the dock. I got out, more slowly than him, watching as he walked, remembering that day he stood on the same dock, pulling his jeans on over his wet skin. He’d teased me about watching me as I climbed out of the water in just my underwear. We were still so innocent at that point, but then I glanced at the grove of trees not far from the pond and I stared at the spot where that innocence had been lost and I felt a twinge in my heart from the beauty and pain of everything that happened there. I’d loved him so much. Deeper than I’d loved anyone and I’d thought nothing would change after that. I’d never been more wrong about anything in my life.
He was standing at the edge of the dock now, his hands tucked deep in the pockets of his jeans as he stared down into the water. I walked towards him, the wood creaking beneath my feet, and a moment later, I was beside him.
“I hope you’re okay with me bringing you here,” he said.
“I’m fine with it.”
“I think about this place a lot.” He was still looking down, but his head cocked slightly toward me so I could see his eyes.
“Me too.” My voice was quieter than I planned.
“It’s kinda like our spot,” he said, kicking off his shoes and then pulling off his socks before sitting down on the edge of the dock, his feet skimming the top of the water. I slid off my sandals and sat beside him, my toes grazing the surface. The water was surprisingly cold for such a warm night and it felt good on my skin.
“When I was in Iraq, it was so damn hot sometimes I swear to God I thought I was gonna melt. It must’ve been like 120 degrees at least,” he said with a light chuckle before continuing. “I used to close my eyes and pretend I was back here in Carver, swimming in this pond.”
“Did it help?” I asked quietly, interrupting his memory.
“I told myself it did. I was probably just delirious from the heat though.” We both laughed softly and then it was quiet for a few moments and the crickets seemed to crescendo into a full orchestra.
“What was it like there? Iraq?”
He didn’t answer right away and I turned my head slightly, just enough so I could see his brow crease as he thought how to respond.
“Lonely,” he finally said in a low, rugged voice, turning his head so our eyes locked. “Can I tell you something without you getting all pissed off?”
“I can’t make any promises,” I said, cracking a little smile and he just nodded, smiling too. “But I hope you’ll tell me anyway.”
It was quiet as I waited for him to start talking and the nervous knots began twisting in my stomach again in anticipation.
“I’ve missed you, Riley,” he said softly. “I told myself not to, but there wasn’t a moment since I left that I didn’t miss you. Even though I told you otherwise, when I came home, I was hoping you’d be here,” he admitted and I swallowed hard. “Part of me was hoping if I saw you again, I’d see it was over and that I didn’t miss you. But the other part of me,” he said, pausing once more. “The other part hoped if I saw you again, maybe you’d say you’d missed me too.”
I noticed that both of our feet had stopped swaying in the water. I hadn’t expected to hear anything that bold from him and I could feel a lump forming in my throat, burning and aching.
“How could I not have missed you?” I managed to squeak out.
“Because of what I did to you.”
“I’m not mad at you anymore,” I said, even though I knew I wasn’t being entirely honest. I wasn’t mad at him, but that didn’t mean I still didn’t hurt.
“I don’t see how you could ever forgive me,” he said, shaking his head doubtfully.
“It doesn’t matter. I’m just glad you’re okay.” The lump in my throat was starting to weaken, and we didn’t say anything for a while.
“I was in Iraq for almost an entire year and the whole time I was there…the whole time, all I could think about was the fact that I might die without ever seeing you again or ever hearing your voice.” He took my hand and I didn’t stop him. I hadn’t paid much attention when he’d held my hand at the hospital. I’d just known it felt familiar and safe, but now, the feel of his hand was practically burning my skin. I’d once known every nook and cranny of his hand, the ridges of his knuckles, the callouses from all that work he did on his old Jeep, the lines on his palm. I’d all but forgotten it, but the moment our fingers entwined, it came flooding back to me. They were exactly the same, maybe a few more scars that hadn’t been there before, but it was the same and I’d forgotten how well our hands fit. “I, uh…I had this little picture of us,” he continued, his voice low and timid, as he turned his eyes away from me and stared out into the water again as if he was remembering something. “It was just some picture Mandy took of us, but I put it in this frame and I kept it with me all the time and I looked at it every night before I went to sleep and I…I wondered if you might be thinking of me too. It was those thoughts that would carry me home to you each night that got me through it all.”
He brought his eyes back to mine eventually and my mind drifted to that night I’d first been back at his house, the night I’d snuck into his bedroom and I’d seen the picture. I’d wondered what it meant and why he had it and now I knew. I couldn’t find my voice as I realized that even though he’d left me, he’d hurt through it all, just as much as I had, maybe even more. I’d been hurt and angry, but I had my friends, my family, and my life. He’d been completely alone, barely any family to speak of, all by himself on the other side of the world with nothing but a little picture and memories to keep him going.
“I’m sorry,” he said, shaking his head, taking his hand from mine and staring back out into the black water. “I shouldn’t have said any of…”
“I was thinking of you too,” I interrupted and he jerked his head back so our eyes met again and he smiled, a nervous smile, but a smile nonetheless. “And I’m so glad you’re okay.” I rested my hand on his knee for a moment and he glanced down at it quickly before I removed it. “I mean, you are okay, right?”
“I am now. I mean, I think I’m okay.” A quiet laugh escaped his throat, and I wondered if he really was okay. “I’m so glad your grandma’s gonna be alright.”
“Me too. I was kinda freakin’ out there for a while.” It was my turn to laugh this time, but Jesse didn’t crack a smile and I stopped laughing.
“I hated to think of you having to deal with something like that.” I knew he was speaking from his own experiences and even though the thought of losing my grandmother was unbearable, I knew it paled in comparison to what Jesse had to endure losing his father. I couldn’t imagine losing one of my parents. I actually refused to think about it, but he’d lived it.
“Really, Jesse. How are you?” I tried to make my voice as soft and safe as possible so he might open up to me, something he hadn’t done much after his dad died. I wondered if maybe he had, things might’ve been different.
“I’m alright now. I mean…I still miss him. Every day. But, life has to go on, ya know?” he asked and I nodded in agreement, even though I didn’t know how he’d managed to go on with all he’d been through. “I don’t think I really grieved until I left. I couldn’t do it here for some reason. It was too hard. I didn’t have time to deal with it at boot camp, which I was actually grateful for, but once I was finally settled, or as settled as a transient Marine can be,” he said with a little grin. “I realized I’d lost those people who’d meant the most to me and it sucked.” The way he was looking at me told me he wasn’t just talking about his father and his deadbeat mother.
“You didn’t lose everyone,” I said softly and I took his hand. He looked down at it before lifting it up and gently kissing the back of it, his lips soft and war
m on my skin, before letting go and resting it back down on my lap.
Sitting next to him felt so familiar and right and I wanted Jesse in my life. Before any of it, we’d started off as great friends and I wanted that back.
“Can we be friends again, Jesse?” I asked bluntly and he looked at me with surprise on his face.
“I want that more than you can know,” he said, smiling timidly at me.
“I don’t know what that means exactly, but since you came back I’ve been fighting between wanting to push you away and wanting to be closer to you and I’m tired of fighting it. I just want you in my life again, even if it’s just an occasional email or text just to say hi and know we’re both okay. It was so hard not knowing if you were okay,” I rambled and I saw him shaking his head. “What is it, Jesse?”
“I’m just surprised you even want anything to do with me. How you can forgive me is crazy to me, but for whatever reason, Ry, I’ll take it,” he said and then we leaned in, wrapping our arms around each other and I finally got to hug him, the way I’d wanted to from the moment we saw each other that day in the grocery store. His arms felt stronger than I remembered as he held me tightly. It felt good, like everything was alright again. We were okay. We were friends and even though I knew it would never be the way it’d been before we were a couple, at least he’d be there in some way and that would have to do because that was all I could take from him.
Chapter Thirteen
I stood at the counter, chopping the vegetables for the salad when the doorbell rang. My knife stopped mid-chop and I looked into the living room. I hadn’t had much time to think about Jesse coming to dinner during the day. I’d gone to see my grandma before work. She was still tired and her eyes only fluttered open a few times while I was there, but the color had returned to her skin and the nurse I spoke to told me she’d probably be released in a couple of days, which made heading to work easier to take. The flower shop had kept me busy too as I spent my day making arrangements and going on deliveries, but now with nothing else to distract me, I found myself filled with nerves.
Carry Me Home (The Home Series: Book Three) Page 9
