by BJ Harvey
To a chorus of hoots and hollers, Daniel drops his lips to his wife’s mouth and without a care in the world, proceeds to kiss the living hell out of her.
It’s fifteen minutes later when my phone lights up with a text message. Grabbing it up, I swipe open the screen and with a quick side glance to Zan, finding him with his back to me, I open the message.
Dani: Didn’t realize how hard this would be, you being so close yet so far.
Understatement of the fucking world. In that moment, having watched all of my friends and their partners touching, kissing, and just having the freedom to swing an arm around their lover’s shoulders and pull them in close, I’m more frustrated than I have been any other time in the past five months.
Zach: Tonight proves why we need to tell everyone.
Dani: I know.
Zach: Does that mean you will?
Dani: I hope so.
I grit my teeth and breathe out an exasperated breath.
Zander elbow bumps me and out of instinct, I quickly lock my phone. “Is that the new girlfriend?”
I turn to look at him. “What new girlfriend?”
“The one Cade said you were seeing?”
“That was like two months ago . . .”
“It’s not like you’ve been a man about town the last little while. You’ve been either working or sleeping between shifts. I’m not the only one who’s noticed your absence lately. We all figured you were busy getting busy in your down time.”
“I’ve been around . . .” I hedge.
“We’ve been ships passing in the night, man, and you know it.”
That’s because I’ve been spending my free time with your beloved baby sister. I wish I could say it without getting knocked out, castrated, or killed.
Needing to lighten the mood to stop myself from getting more annoyed at the situation I’ve willingly put myself in, I slap on a cocky grin. “Aww, baby, you missing me?” I tease.
“You know it,” he shoots back, and although still tense, my shoulders relax. When the waiter comes around asking for drink and coffee orders, Cade catches my eyes and slides his gaze over to Dani then back to me.
I shake my head and return my attention to my phone.
Zach: I can’t keep doing this.
There’s a thump on the table beside me and look up to see Dani’s phone in Abi’s hand and Dani’s departing back as she walks out of the room.
“What did you do?” Abi asks in my ear.
I turn my head slightly and lower my voice. “Nothing,” I say, but the weight in that one word betrays my assertion.
“Bullshit. Whatever you just said in that text either pissed her off or broke her heart, or both. Whatever it was, you need to fix it.”
“Only one thing will fix it,” I mutter before sitting up straight.
Rising from my chair, I tuck my phone in my pants and face the group. “Just going to get some fresh air. Be back soon.”
“Everything okay?” Zander asks, raising an eyebrow.
“Yeah, it’s all good.”
“Zach,” Kate says quietly. “Is Abi your—”
My eyes bug out of my head. “No. Shit no. Why would you say that? She’s . . .” Cade’s is what I want to say, but that would be a lie. They haven’t seen each other—to my knowledge—except for that one night . . . and morning.
“Hey, I heard that,” Abi interrupts. “No way in hell would I want to be seen with this guy.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence, sweetheart,” I retort sarcastically.
“Anytime, hot stuff,” she says with a wink. “Besides, we all know about firefighters and their fire bunnies.”
Unable to stop myself, I chuckle and move to leave, faltering briefly at Mac’s narrowed eyes on me. I give a quick chin lift to her and make my way out of the dining room we’re in and out to the front-of-house area.
Stepping onto the sidewalk, I look left and right and see Dani leaning against the wall at the corner of the building. I slowly make my way over to her, her head snapping up when I get close.
“Why . . . why are you here?” she whispers.
“Because you are.”
“But Zan—”
“I needed to make sure you were okay.”
“Zach . . .” Her voice breaks, and it’s like a sucker punch to the gut.
“Not here, sweetheart. Too many people we know inside and I’ve already had a couple of curious glances tonight. Don’t need any more.”
She nods before her gaze drops to the ground as she sniffs and visibly composes herself.
Unable to hold back, and not wanting to, I move my hand around her neck and with my thumb under her chin, turn and lift her face up to meet mine. “You look beautiful, but I never want to see tears in your eyes because of me, sweetheart.”
She hiccups but gives me a wry smile. “I really wish I could kiss you right now.”
I don’t reply but look over her shoulder, then lace my fingers with hers and tug her to follow me around the corner and down the short alley along the side of the restaurant.
As soon as we’re out of sight, I take our joined hands and gently ease them behind her back.
“What are you—”
The rest of her question is swallowed up by my mouth on hers, my tongue pushing determinedly between her lips, taking a taste of what I’ve been wanting all night. I let her hand go and her arms automatically wrap around my shoulders and into their default position in my hair, her fingers tugging at the strands and pulling me deeper into her as I lose all semblance of time.
“Well I just lost fifty bucks. I thought for sure you were with Abi,” Mac says from the corner before storming up to us. “I hope you know what the fuck you’re doing, Zach,” she warns.
“Mac, it’s not—” Dani says, dropping her hands from me quicker than I thought possible before stepping back, a move that I didn’t think would affect me as much as it does.
“No point denying it now, Dani. I saw you two with my own eyes. I knew something was up but didn’t expect to find this,” she says, waving her hand between us. She turns to Dani. “Your brother”—she faces me—”and your best friend, is behind that wall and you two are out here sucking face without a care in the world.”
“Mac, I—” Dani says before Mac cuts her off again, this time gently.
“Dani, I don’t know what this is or how long it’s been going on for, but I know Zander as well as you do and there’s no way he’ll be happy about it.”
“We didn’t . . . I didn’t . . .”
Seeing enough, I make a decision to step in. “Mac, I appreciate your concern and I hope you get that I mean this with all the respect in the world, but it’s our place to tell him.”
“Too fucking right it is,” she replies, not being gentle with me. “You should’ve talked to him before starting anything.”
“Hindsight is a powerful thing,” I say sarcastically, not liking for one fucking minute that Mac is telling me what I should have done—especially when she’s right.
“It’s also a smart thing. Fix this, Zach, before it tears apart more than just your friendship with Zan.” She pins me with a stare, moving her eyes to Dani. With that, she spins around and walks way, leaving Dani and I standing in the alley staring at each other.
“She’s going to tell him . . .” Dani says, her voice barely a whisper, but she could’ve mouthed the words and they’d still bounce around my head like a foghorn.
Needing space, needing a padded room to lose my shit in, I do the only thing I can think of in that moment. “I’m going to follow you back inside, say my goodbyes, and go home. I’ll see you back at my place if you still want to come over. But when you do, we’ll be talking and sorting this shit out once and for all.”
She nods but doesn’t say anything, pissing me off more than I already was at this fucked up situation. How can something so amazing be so fucking complicated all at the same time?
Whatever happens, tonight I’m going to draw a line
in the sand. Either Dani faces the music alongside me, or . . .
I don’t want to think about the or.
I make a beeline for the restroom as soon as I walk back into the restaurant, needing a moment to compose myself.
Ten minutes later, with my lipstick reapplied and hair back to where it should be, I walk back into the private room where we were eating and take my seat next to Abi, not seeing Zach anywhere.
She turns toward me and leans in. “Zach came in here, said his goodbyes, and left faster than a jackrabbit. What I want to know is what the hell happened?”
“Mac caught us.”
Her mouth drops open but thankfully she doesn’t gasp. “And . . . ?”
“She basically said we need to tell Zander.”
“Well, duh. And Zach?”
“We’re gonna talk about it when I get to his place.”
“Are you still going to his place?”
“Well, yeah,” I reply. “Why wouldn’t I?”
“Because for some asinine reason you don’t want to tell your brother and I’m guessing he’s pissed off at your refusal to do so?”
“I have my reasons.”
She quirks a brow and stares at me, silently waiting for me to continue.
“I do!” I say quietly.
“Hope they’re good ones, chickadee, because you’d have to be blind not to see what this is doing to your man and if it was me, I’d be coming clean for everyone’s sake.”
“I just need more time.”
She moves back and raises both brows this time. “Five months isn’t enough?”
“No . . . yes . . . oh fuck it, I don’t know.”
“You better find out.”
“What are you two whispering about?” Zander says, breaking the tension.
“Nothing.” I sit back in my chair and look up to find him standing next to us, Kate by his side. “Are you guys leaving?” I slide my chair back and push to my feet.
“Yeah, Kate’s working tomorrow and we need to relieve the babysitter. You look tense; everything okay? You were gone for a while . . .”
I plaster on a smile, one that betrays the worry coiled tight in my gut. “I’m good, Zan. It was nice to catch up with everyone. And that Tiramisu was amazeballs; I see what Mia was going on about now.” He wraps an arm around my shoulders and pulls me into his side while Kate laughs. “What’s so funny?” I ask her, taking a step toward her for a quick hug.
“Every woman who tries the Tiramisu cannot stop going on about it. It’s all Mac’s fault,” Kate explains.
“Don’t blame me!” Mac says, joining the group. “I blame Superman. He gave me the best foodgasm of my life the first time we came here.”
“Then he gave you a real one,” Kate says with a giggle.
“Well, there is that.” Mac grins, her eyes moving to me, her expression morphing to concern.
“Be good, Squirt, and if you can’t be good, at least have fun doing it,” Zander says, lacing his fingers with his wife’s and kissing the top of my head before walking through the door.
“Dani, I really think—”Mac says under her breath once Zander has gone.
“Mac, I appreciate your concern but I promise you, I know what I’m doing.”
She reaches out and puts her hand on my arm, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I’m not worried about that. I can’t believe you guys have been doing this behind everyone’s backs.”
Instead of feeling guilty, I feel my frustration come to the surface. “Is it anyone’s business?”
“When you’re both lying to someone you care about, yes,” she says, pulling her hand away.
“I’ve gotta go . . .”
“Bet you do,” she mutters.
I meet her eyes. “We are going to tell him, Mac. I swear to you, we are.”
“Good,” she says quietly, looking at me intently as she does. “Right, D&M over. Better get home to our tribe.” She looks over the table to Daniel and lifts her chin before coming back to me. “I’m always here if you wanna talk . . . about anything . . .”
I give a small smile. “Kate said pretty much the same thing.”
She gasps, her eyes widening. “Kate knows?”
I jerk my head back. “Hell no. She just said it a few months ago.”
“Well, you know where we are if you need us. No questions, no judgements—all ears. Okay?”
“Thanks, Mac.”
Feeling like the headline act of a freak show, the next person to come up to me is Abi. “You ready to go?”
“Please,” I say on a sigh, wanting to leave and get my ass over to Zach’s place as soon as possible.
“Right. Say your goodbyes and I’ll go hail us a cab.”
She walks away and I take the opportunity to make my way around the table, giving Mia’s belly a rub and giving Matt, Sean, Sam, Nat, and Jase hugs. When I reach Cade, I catch the first indication that he’s not as nonchalant as he tried to make out all night.
“Abi gone?” he asks quietly into my ear, his arms tightening around me.
“She’s getting us a cab.”
“She doing okay?” he asks, and my body stills at his question.
“Yeah. Why wouldn’t she be?”
“Nothing. It’s all good. You and Zach?”
“Still complicated.”
“Uncomplicate it, Dani. Rip off the Band-Aid and ride through the pain.”
“Eventually,” I murmur.
“You gonna hug my sister all night or let her go sometime this century?” Mia muses, snapping us both out of our conversation and jolting us apart.
Cade just smirks at me and then Mia. “What can I say? It’s been a while since I’ve held a beautiful woman in my arms. I thought I’d take my fill.”
Mia shakes her head, Matt and Jase chuckle, and Sean studies me, his head tilting to the side as he looks between the two of us.
“Well it’s been fun and all, but Abi’s waiting for me. Keep cooking my niece, Meems.”
“Don’t have a choice, Dani, but I’ll keep you up to date.”
“You do that,” I say, waving to the table and walking out the door.
My heart beats at a million miles an hour for the entire cab ride over to Zach’s place after I’d dropped Abi off. My entire chest is tight and my body tense over what happened at the restaurant and what the rest of my night might entail.
When I turn my key in the lock to his front door, I’m a mess of nerves, unsure of what will happen once I cross the threshold.
I find him sitting on his couch, a whiskey on the rocks in his hand, the ballgame playing on the TV in the background.
“Hey.” I walk around the sectional and sit on the couch opposite him, turning my body toward his.
“Hey,” he replies, not getting up, not moving his eyes to me—nothing. Clasping my hands in my lap, I look down at them, waiting for him to say or do something to put me at ease because right now I feel as if I’m straddling the edge of a cliff on one foot, holding my breath in the hope I’ll stay upright.
I glance over at him, his eyes distracted as he continues to watch the television, his fingers on his glass gripping tight as he lifts it to his mouth for a slow, measured sip.
“I’m sorry,” is what I blurt out. I know that those words don’t mean much but they’re honest. I’m sorry I put him in this position and that it’s eating away at him the longer we keep our relationship a secret.
“Don’t say you’re sorry,” he says tautly, but adds nothing more.
I turn my head and watch the game, noting that there’s a stop in play, yet he’s still watching.
Taking a deep breath, I decide that the best thing to do is voice my biggest fear in all of this. “Is it worth it, Zach?”
“What?” he whispers, his voice strained.
“All of this trouble,” I say, waving my hand in the air limply and without any effort at all.
“The fact you’re even asking me that makes me think you don’t feel for me even close to what I feel f
or you and worse still, you don’t realize just how fucking special what we’ve got is.”
“It’s not that—don’t ever think that,” I reply, my voice wobbling. “I don’t think I have the strength to fight Zan if he’s dead against us.”
“Then show him, show everyone. Show me by standing up and fighting for it with me.” He stands, slamming his glass down on the ottoman and walking over toward the window. “You took that chance right alongside me and now it sounds like you’re telling me that you’d be willing to walk away from this . . . from us . . . because your family—your brother—is going to question it?”
“They’re all I’ve got,” I whisper hoarsely, my voice thick.
The instant the words leave my mouth, I regret them. Zach spins around to face me, his eyes wounded. “And what about me, Dani? What am I then?” he asks, his voice flat and totally un-Zach like.
“You know what I’m talking about.”
“Right now, I need to hear the words, because I can’t fight with only one hand while the other is desperately trying to hold onto the thing I’m fighting for.”
“Zach . . .”
“All night, I had to sit there and watch the others, resenting the fact that I can’t be like that with you. I can’t pull you close, I can’t kiss you when you tilt your head—none of it. It’s like I have to forget that I’m your boyfriend whenever we’re in public, and I fucking hate it.”
His words rock me, ripping me apart from the inside out. With my heart in my throat, I turn around and face him, resting my chin on the top of the couch. “Do you resent me?”
“I could never resent you, Dani. It’s just wearing me down. Do you get that?”
“I do and I’m sorry,” I say, my voice thick, my eyes shining with tears.
“Stop saying you’re sorry. Saying sorry doesn’t fix the situation we’ve gotten ourselves into. This is a situation of our own doing—of my own doing. This is simply the cross I have to bear. It doesn’t make it any fucking easier.”
“You know what Zander is like. He didn’t like Zoe hooking up with Noah, but he worked through it. Matt and Mia were different because—well—Mia is Mia, and Matt needed all the help he could get. But I’m the baby.”
