by BJ Harvey
“Hard day?” she asks, filling a glass on the counter in front of me and handing it over.
“Hard month. We’ve got a new game launching, and it’s all hands on deck until it’s done.”
“Babe . . .” she says, her eyes gentle.
God, I love my sister-in-law. “I’m good, Kate. I promise.”
She narrows her eyes at me. “How’s the dating going?”
I tilt my head to the side in confusion. “Dating?”
“You said you were dating someone. How’s it going?” she asks flippantly. I bite my lip, the heavy weight of guilt hitting my chest, making its presence well and truly known.
“Um . . .” I’m thankfully saved from the conversation by the sound of the front door opening, and Rose shrieking “Daddy” as she runs down the hallway and tackle-hugs Zander’s legs the moment he gets through the door. He bends down and scoops his daughter up in one arm, hooking her around his waist.
“Hey, princess.”
“Buster had Barbie, but I saved her. I don’t like Buster,” she explains, her face a picture of seriousness.
He grins at his daughter. “Maybe you shouldn’t leave Barbie on the floor for Buster to steal.”
She seems to ponder this suggestion before nodding and snuggling her face into my brother’s shoulder.
Walking into the kitchen, he moves up to me and kisses the top of my head before moving toward his wife. “Hey, babe,” he says, then kisses Kate soft and quick, but both of their eyes stay locked on each other.
I inwardly sigh at how in love they are. I love that my brother has that. In fact, I love that all of my friends and family have that.
I’m close to getting what they have, and yet so far because I don’t feel ready to tell anyone about us. My eyes start to sting, and I quickly swallow the growing lump in my throat to keep the tears at bay.
“What’s for dinner?” Zander asks, dropping his daughter down to the ground. She bounds up to me and reaches her arms toward me and not missing the hint, I pick her up and sit her in my lap. Spotting my phone, she grabs it, and when I reach around her and bring up a game, she happily sets about trying to match jewels in a line. For a four-year-old, she’s freaking clever. It’s kind of scary how smart she is. One thing’s for sure—she’s going to keep Zan and Kate on their toes when she grows up.
“Chicken parmigiana.”
“Nice,” he says, brushing his lips against hers before bracing his arms on the counter opposite me.
“How are you, Squirt?”
“I’m good,” I reply with a smile.
“And the mission to get a life?” he asks, diving right on in there, something he hasn’t held back in doing every time he’s seen me since our little chat three months ago.
“A work in progress.”
“Good,” he says quietly, his voice warm and approving.
“Let me go get changed and sort the princess out, and we’ll move to the dining room.” He slowly moves away from Kate but not before giving her an affectionate squeeze around her middle and earning himself a wry grin from his wife, before grabbing Rose off my lap and disappearing out of sight.
“I’m always here, you know,” Kate says, grabbing my attention. “Whatever you need, even if it’s just an impartial shoulder to lean on.” It’s like she’s got that special mom sense that includes X-ray vision into someone’s conscience.
“I know. Thank you. Truly, I’m fine.”
“Just wanted you know. Now drink your wine while I dish up.”
The next fastball comes during dinner.
“Saw Cade in the ER today. He said Zach might be seeing someone. He wouldn’t say anything else. You know anything about it?” he asks Kate, who shakes her head at him. Me, however? I stop breathing all together. Fucking Cade and his big mouth.
“He’s such an upfront guy. I’m surprised you don’t know about it,” she says to him, picking up her wine glass and taking a long sip. “Did you ring him?”
“Yeah, but I got voicemail. I’ll see him next week at poker so might just ambush him and find out who she is.”
Heart attack, imminent. Send . . . help . . .
I’m so anxious. It’s like the time I reached the boss level of Final Fantasy VI, and I had ten percent health left with no weapons and no potions. I could barely breathe then, and if the tightness in my chest is any indication, I’m close to having a similar heart attack now.
Needing to change the subject—world peace, football, anything—I clear my throat. “I swear you guys are worse than women.”
“What?” Zander asks, grinning at me with a mouth full of food. “We need to know so we can pass it on to our nosey wives.”
“Considering you’re the one who asks me who’s screwing who most of the time, that’s hilarious,” Kate quips.
Zander narrows his eyes at her and pokes his tongue out.
“Soon we’ll have Dani’s new guy to interrogate,” Kate teases.
“What? No . . . I mean . . .”
“Breathe, Squirt. She was joking . . . maybe. I probably should practice my ‘you hurt her you die’ speech though. It’s been a while since I’ve had to give it. Matt didn’t need it with Mia; she’s so much of a handful I was impressed at his willingness to take her on. I wouldn’t wish that job on anyone.”
I laugh, the grip on my chest easing slightly at the conversation’s change of direction. “She’s not that bad.”
“I love her to death, but she’s definitely the most high-maintenance out of the three of you,” Zander adds.
“What’s Zoe then?” I ask, my interest now piqued.
“Zoe is the crazy one. The things she got up to that none of you know about would blow your mind.”
“Really?” I ask, leaning forward. “Now you’ve got to tell me.”
He shakes his head and smirks. “Not a chance.”
We finish eating, and Kate picks Rose up and brings her over to me. “Say goodnight to Aunty Dani. It’s bath and bedtime.”
“Nun nighs, Aunnie Dani. See you in the morning,” she says cheerfully.
I pull her into my arms and cuddle her tight against my chest while trying not to laugh. “I’ll be at work, princess, but how about we go to the park this weekend?”
Her head snaps up and she bounces in my arms. “Yay! Love you.”
“Am I your favorite aunty?” I ask. It’s an ongoing joke between Zoe, Mia, and I as to who the best aunty is out of the three of us. I swear I’m the best, but we’re always trying to one up each other, with varied results so far. The day Mia took Rose and Nate to the candy shop and they both ended up simultaneously puking up the evidence of their trip in Matt’s truck on the way home was definitely a low point for Meems, albeit hilarious for the rest of us.
“Yep,” she says, leaning forward and giving me a sloppy kiss on the lips. “Okay, bye now.” And with a dive into Kate’s arms, she waves at me and heads off to bed.
“I’ll help you with the dishes,” I say to Zander, who’s sitting there watching me.
“Sit down, Squirt.”
“It’s no trouble. It won’t take long.” I start to collect the plates, stopping when Zander leans over and puts his hand on my arm.
“Dani, sit down and fucking relax. I’m not going to bite, you know.”
I sit down and decide defense just might be the best offense. “No more life lectures then?” I ask, quirking my brow.
He chuckles and shakes his head. “You look happy. I don’t know what it is, but there’s this light in your eyes that has been missing for a while.”
My heart melts and a wave of warmth washes over me. I love my brother.
Zach’s words from this afternoon suddenly make sense. Zander was forced to grow up fast when our dad died. It wasn’t expected of him, but he stepped up and became the male role model in a house full of headstrong, independent women. He only wants us to be happy and because of that, he does whatever he thinks he needs to do to help us be the best we can be.
; “Can I ask you something?”
“Always, Squirt. You know that.”
“Has it been hard watching us grow up?”
His head jerks back, and I know I’ve surprised him. “Nothing has ever been hard with you.”
“Do you still see me as the geeky fourteen-year-old girl who used to answer the phone ‘City morgue, you kill ’em, we chill ’em?’” I see his lips twitch and we both burst out laughing at the same time.
“You were pretty good at those.”
“Why thank you,” I reply, bowing my head.
He leans back in his chair and studies me. “You’re right though. I think with you I do see that fourteen-year-old girl.”
“Zan—”
“Just wait,” he says, putting his hand up. “But I also see the two-year-old girl who lost her father and the eight-year-old who acted like I was her real-life superhero. Now . . . now you’re a grown woman who’s living in a high-rise apartment and has her dream job that she worked her ass off to get, and I couldn’t be more proud.”
My eyes sting and my throat tightens. I know any resistance to crying like a big girl is going to be futile so I don’t even bother.
“But you’re always going to be that innocent two-year-old, that wide-eyed eight-year-old, and that smart-ass fourteen-year-old to me. It’s just now, I get the pride that comes along with knowing that you’re living your dream and I had a part in getting you there.”
Oh my God, I’m the worst sister in the freaking world!
With nothing else for it, I jump up and wrap my arms around his shoulders, burying my face in his neck and cling to him as violent sobs tear through me. His arms close around me and just like when I was that eight-year-old girl who thought I could leap buildings in a single bound, he rubs his hand up and down my back but says nothing at all—giving me everything in the process.
I have to find the strength to come clean to him. At first, it was such an easy thing to do—get to know Zach as a man rather than Zander’s best friend. Four months down the track though, I’m now head over heels in love with Zach and the act of telling my brother what we’ve done seems like an impossible feat, one that could have devastating consequences not just for Zach and Zander’s friendship, but exactly what I have right here—Zander’s trust, pride and respect.
I’m screwed either way.
The jury is in, and there’s no doubt that I’m a masochist.
For the past five months Dani and I have not been at a group get-together at the same time.
It wasn’t necessarily on purpose—most of the time I couldn’t go because of work, and Dani has been working long hours on her latest gaming project.
But tonight the whole gang is meeting for dinner at Spirelli’s, a favorite Italian restaurant of Mac and Daniel’s—it’s just unfortunate that we can’t turn up together in the way I want.
In fact, despite spending the day together, Dani coordinated our arrivals at Daniel’s birthday dinner so that she’d arrive twenty minutes after I did. It doesn’t matter how much I adore the girl, her resistance in coming out as a couple and telling her brother has gone from frustrating to concerning.
Without wanting to, I’ve begun questioning how we can go on. I love her so deeply and strongly that I won’t ever stop, but I don’t want to hide our relationship anymore and I’m about ready to put a line in the sand because of it.
I’m doubting her commitment to what we have, and I hate myself for it. In the beginning, I agreed with her reasons for not telling anyone; five months in and those reasons don’t apply anymore.
I want to be with her and I know she wants to be with me, but going to the same party together at different fucking times is ridiculous.
I’m sitting around a long, sweeping table with Zander, Kate, Mac, Daniel, Sam, Sean, Noah, Zoe, Matt, Mia, Nat, Jase, Cade, and Thomas—another college friend of Noah and Daniel’s—when Dani and Abi step through the doorway.
She walks past me and goes straight to her brother sitting beside me, not meeting my eyes once. Gritting my teeth, I grab my beer bottle off the table and take a long, slow drag, watching her bend down and kiss Zander’s cheek before moving to Kate and then working her way around the table, rubbing Mia’s very large pregnant belly and Zoe’s not quite as big one before reaching me.
She gently places her hand on my shoulder, her fingers giving a knowing squeeze and reminding me of two hours ago when I fucked her breathless on her bathroom vanity.
“Hey,” she says quietly by my ear before softly kissing my cheek and standing up straight again. I scan the group and find no one paying any attention to us.
Abi pulls out the seat beside me and sits down, Dani following her so we have an Abi-shaped buffer.
Cade catches my eye and he grimaces, giving me at least a small feeling of solidarity in this fucked up situation.
“You guys remember my roommate, Abi?” Dani says, going around the group and naming everyone, ending with Cade, who just smiles and nods before returning to his beer. I wouldn’t have known he’d had his dick inside her if I hadn’t heard them going at it.
A waiter comes around and takes everyone’s food and drink orders—again—before disappearing.
“I’ve gotta go to the bathroom,” Mia announces, grabbing hold of the arms of her chair and looking at Matt. “Can you help me up, babe?”
“Taylor Hoists, at your service.”
There are a few groans and a definite chuckle just as Mia glares at her husband. “Do not even go there. You and your anaconda made me like this so you have to suffer the consequences.”
Matt—taking his life in his hands—just grins at her and with an arm around Mia’s waist, helps her to her feet before leading her away.
“Damn that’s hot,” Nat says, looking sideways at Jase. “Will you do that when I’m knocked up?”
Jase chokes on his beer and glares at his girlfriend. “I like the practice, not the actual game.”
Noah lifts his beer bottle in Jase’s direction. “Famous last words. Wait till she gets pregnant and come back and tell us about all the practice you do then.”
“How can that be hot?” Dani asks, turning toward us. Our eyes meet, and I can’t look away. I want to hold her hand, wrap my arm around her, kiss her if I damn well want to. But I can’t, and knowing that, I feel my annoyance return and I frown.
“I’m sorry,” she mouths as if she read my mind but before I can mouth anything back, Abi sits forward, blocking my view.
“I think you might be my soul sister,” Abi says to Nat, “because any time a hot guy . . .” She looks over at Dani. “Am I allowed to say you’re brother-in-law is hot?” Dani just shrugs with a laugh. “Anyway, whenever a hot guy comes to a woman’s rescue, that shit is hot.”
“Amen to that!” Nat announces, reaching over the table with her glass in the air to clink with her new BFF.
“Zach, how’s work? Did you attend that building fire in Englewood?” Sean asks.
“Yeah, it took us a while to get it under control.”
“Yet you guys got everyone out. Must’ve been touch-and-go.”
I nod in agreement. “We definitely earned our money that night.”
“Did they determine the cause?” Sean’s wife, Sam, asks, automatically falling into cop mode.
“Faulty electrical switch on the third floor but because it was an old building with dodgy insulation, it went up quickly.”
“I bet,” Matt says, entering the conversation, paying attention now with his contractor hat on.
I take a swig of my beer just as Abi leans into me and whispers, “I’ve always liked a guy in uniform. Think you can come over one day in your turnouts?”
I splutter and start choking, my head snapping toward her. She just sits there with her arms crossed, smirking at me. I glance quickly to Dani to see her head tilted and her lips twitching, and all I want to do is reach over, hook my hand around her neck, and slam my lips down on hers. Or better still, drag her off somewhere and fuck her
senseless. Neither of those are an option for me right now but every time she makes me want to touch her, kiss her, or put my cock in her, she’s going to rack up a debt that I’m sure as hell going to claim later tonight.
Fuck.
The next hour and a half during dinner is definitely difficult, but at least there’s no drama. It’s just our extended group of friends and family, sitting around and talking shit like we normally do. Good food, good people, good conversation.
Mia—for obvious reasons—has made hourly bathroom breaks, which have seen her returning to her seat with many a curse word crossing her lips. Matt has taken all of it in his stride but there’s no mistaking the love he has for his wife and their soon-to-be-born child. That guy has definitely matured a lot since I first met him seven years ago.
I’ve caught Abi looking at Cade a few times, but the two of them don’t speak. Cade has given me a lot of questioning looks but other than that, hasn’t said anything.
A few months ago, Cade told Zander I was dating someone. It annoyed me at first but when I thought about it, he was simply telling the truth without being caught up in our lie. A lie that I know will come back and bite us in the ass—and soon.
On that thought, Daniel stands up and holds out his hand for Mac to join him. As soon as she does, he pulls her close and wraps an arm around her middle, leaning down to kiss her lips, nose, then forehead before looking out at the table.
“I just wanted to thank you all for coming tonight. My wife as always decided to spoil me, but thank you for sharing my thirty-fifth birthday—”
“Old age pension time!” Noah calls out, earning a round of laughs.
“Says the man who is only two months younger than me,” Daniel retorts.
“Fuck . . .” Noah says with a smirk, and we all laugh again.
“Gorgeous,” Daniel says, looking down at Mac. “Thank you for being you. You’re the most thoughtful, kind, caring, and crazy woman I know.”
“Hey,” Mac says indignantly, giving him a playful whack on his chest.
“Don’t ever change, don’t ever leave me—don’t ever stop being you because you’re the best gift I’ve ever had, and I look forward to enjoying you every single day for the rest of my life.”
