Rough & Real

by Faiman, Hayley

  The closer we get, the more I look around for West. When I spot Rosalie sitting next to West’s mother, I’m a bit taken aback. He isn’t here. This overwhelming disappointment washes over me, this finality. He didn’t come. It slaps me in the face, the fact that we’re not his priority. Though I already knew that I wasn’t his priority. I had hoped that this past week, meant that he was putting the kids first. Now, I’m not so sure.

  “Where’s Dad?” I ask as I climb the bleachers and sit next to Rosalie, my mother-in-law is on the other side of her. Derek climbs up behind me and sits on the other side of me, his thigh pressing against my own.

  Rosalie turns to me and rolls her eyes. “He said he had to work.” She doesn’t sound too convinced that he did, and the fact that it’s Friday night doesn’t help convince me either.

  “Are you all set to go to Finley’s for the night?” I ask.

  I told her that she could spend the night at MadDog and Mary-Anne’s and that tomorrow she could go to the mall with Riley and Finley as I’d promised her last week.

  Rosalie’s face breaks out into a huge smile and she nods her head. “My bag is in the car, I’m ready,” she giggles. “Oh, Remi’s up to bat.”

  Turning my attention to my middle son, I watch as he steps up to the plate and leans heavily on his back foot as he holds the bat up. The child at the pitcher’s mound lifts his leg and throws a hardball right over the sweet spot.

  Remi swings and that familiar crack fills the air as the ball flies out into left centerfield. Remi runs, he doesn’t stop until he gets to third and I’m doing what I normally do, which is jumping up and down screaming for my boy. Derek is standing next to me his pinkie fingers in his mouth and whistling.

  Waiting, I hold my breath when the catcher misses the ball, and Remi takes off for home plate. He slides just as the catcher regains hold of the ball and dives to take him out. I don’t exhale until the ump calls Remi safe. Then we all stand and scream once more.

  “The boys are with me tonight?” my mother-in-law asks a few minutes later once we’ve all settled down from Remi stealing home.

  I nod and that guilt washes over me again when her eyes shift from Derek then back to me. “Okay. They’ll have fun, I’ll keep them late Saturday so you can rest, and have some time to yourself, too,” she murmurs.

  We don’t speak again as we watch the game and the longer it goes on, the more pissed off I am at West. He’s proving to me over, and over, just how little he really cares about us.

  Fuck him.

  I decide immediately that I want to find out just what Derek has to offer tonight. It’s obvious that my marriage is over, and if I’m being honest it’s been over for a really long time.

  I can’t believe this shit. Not only did I have to load up this fucking truck last night, all the while I felt like I was fucking being watched. It was creepy as shit. I couldn’t shake it either, not the entire night. Tinker is puking his guts out and he was scheduled to drive it to Denver.

  An eighteen-hour one-way fucking trip. I’m too high on the goddamn food chain to have to do this shit. Normally, I wouldn’t be as angry as I am, but I’m missing my boys’ baseball game and I wanted to spend some time with Ivy this weekend.

  I’ve finally made my decision about us. I’m going to leave her. She’s better off without me, and my bullshit fucking up her life. Then again, she always was, and I just continued to fuck with her over and over, again.

  Driving toward Colorado, I find it hard to breathe just thinking about ending my marriage. Then I think about what it’ll be like to denounce her as my Old Lady and it causes me to tighten my grip on the truck’s steering wheel as anger courses through me.

  “You okay, brother?” Soar asks from the passenger side. He’s too high on the food chain to be on this trip too, as the treasurer, but apparently all the available people have found a way out of it. I grunt as I nod my head a couple times but he clears his throat. “Bullshit.”

  We don’t speak again until after we’ve made a pit stop and fueled the truck. Soar glances at me a few times, I can feel his fucking eyes on me and I know he wants to speak. “Just say it.”

  “I think you’re making a big fucking mistake. I think you’ve been making some big mistakes,” he announces.

  I chuckle. “Way to go gentle,” I mutter.

  “I’m your brother, so I’m not going in gentle. I’m gonna lay it out there for you. I know Grease has tried and so have a couple of the other guys but Camo, you’re fucking up.”

  He’s one hundred percent correct, I am fucking up, and I know it but I keep doing it. It’s like I can’t fucking help myself. I’ve completely abandoned my family, and even when I tried to be there for them, I still missed my sons’ baseball games. I could have tried harder to get someone else to come on this trip, but I didn’t. I felt the need to be there for my club over the need to be there for my family, and I don’t know how to fix that inside of me.

  “All knowing, all wise, Soar. Why don’t you tell me how to fix my shit then?” I bark.

  Soar laughs, he doesn’t chuckle, he fucking laughs and it pisses me off. I pull the truck over to the side of the road. Once I’ve thrown it into park I open the door and hop out, walking around to the passenger side. Soar is already down as well and waiting for me by the time I arrive.

  “You want to know how to fix it?” he asks taunting me.

  Lifting my chin, I let my arms dangle loosely at my sides. “Yeah fucker, explain shit to me, because I’ve been trying to figure out how to make it all work. The only thing I’ve come up with is to file for divorce.” The words tumble from my lips and they taste fucking bitter with every word I say.

  “You’re a pussy,” Soar spits. “It’s cool brother, I was one for years so I fucking get it. But face facts. You’re a goddamn pussy.”

  Shaking my head, I wrap my hand around the back of my neck and let my eyes close for just a second before I reopen them. “Not a pussy, Soar,” I grunt.

  “Yeah? You sure? From where I’m standing you’re a fucking pussy. You have a beautiful wife, three awesome kids and you’re worried about what? Some kink you’ve recently discovered. I bet if you would bring that shit up with Ivy she’d at least give it a go, for you. What are you willing to do for her?” he asks.

  Without thinking I pull my arm back, making a fist with my hand and I punch him in the jaw. Soar’s whole head turns to the side before I lean forward and whisper. “I’m willing to not fucking break my wife, Soar. I would think you of all people could understand not wanting to hurt someone you love? Or maybe you can’t.”

  “Fuck you, Camo. You think you’re saving her?” he hisses. “You’re not a martyr. You’re just as selfish as the rest of us.” He grunts.

  We stare at each other for a few minutes, neither one of us speaking and then Soar breaks the silence. “Now let’s get the fuck to Denver and back home. You hit me ever again and I’ll pull a knife on you, don’t fuck with me.”

  “You’re crazy,” I murmur as I head toward the back of the truck.

  Soar laughs. “I may be crazy, but brother, my face is too pretty to be battered. My Genny likes it unmarred. So you hit me again, I’m shanking your ass.”

  I’m unable to stop myself from bursting out laughing. I jog toward the driver’s seat and for the next eight hours, I’m stuck inside of my own head. I think about Ivy, and if what I’m doing by leaving her is more selfish than asking her to try playing in the free-for-all room with me. I think they’re both selfish really, Soar was right in that regard. Leaving her is being selfish too. Distancing myself from her is no better.

  I need to find a way to make us both happy. Maybe Grease was onto something when he mentioned finding, and having boundaries, that we can both agree on. If it’s something she’s willing to try, which she’s expressed she is, then maybe we can truly discuss it.

  At the end of the day, when all is said and done, I truly do love my wife. I don’t want to throw us away without giving it a fa
ir go.

  Maybe she’ll hate me after we experiment, maybe I’ll hate me. I don’t know. But what I do know is that running away from everything isn’t really the answer. I need to put my personal life first, my wife and my children.

  I need to stop thinking it, and fucking do it. How many nights have I spent apart from them? Too many to count, and that’s complete bullshit. Not when they want me with them, not when my wife wants me in her bed and at her side.

  Fuck. I started this trip to Denver sure in my decision to leave Ivy and now I’ve completely changed my mind. I’m not leaving her, we’re going to make this work—together.

  Rinsing the soap from my body, I close my eyes and just breathe for a minute. I let the steam swirl around me and sigh. I’m going to be an adulterer in a matter of minutes. How did my life get to this point where I’m lusting after another man and not feeling the least bit bad about it?

  I definitely should feel guiltier than I do. Drying off my body, I glance at the lingerie that I ordered a few weeks ago. I was excited about my weight loss and wanted to wear something that made me look and feel just plain sexy. It’s an extremely deep V lacey black teddy, that is crotchless.

  As soon as I slip the teddy on I take a long look at myself in the mirror. My hair is straight and almost covers my nipples from peeking through the sheer lace of the teddy’s fabric at my breasts. I’m regretting cutting it, but I feel beautiful, just like I wanted to in this outfit. Then I glance down at my center and cringe. I’m also very exposed, and I’m about to be so with a man who has never seen me naked before. I’m not sure how I feel about all of this, but the only emotion I can get a grasp on is—excitement.

  There’s a knock on the bathroom door and I jump. I press my hand against my chest and feel my heart trying to jump from my body. Wrapping my other hand around the knob, I turn the handle and pull the door open. I suck in a breath at the sight of Derek’s bare chest just a foot away from me.

  He’s not as bulky as West, but he has lean muscle that isn’t hard to look at a single bit. My eyes travel down his toned, hairless torso. I press my lips together when I notice the light brown hair that trails down his lower stomach, and disappears beneath his jeans.

  “You look, fuck, babe,” he grunts.

  I take a wobbly step closer to him, and then another when his arm snakes out and wraps around my waist, tugging me against his chest. I place my hands on his pecs for stability and tip my head back to look into his eyes.

  “I can’t believe I’m doing this,” I whisper.

  Derek grins, lowering his face and presses his lips to mine. When his tongue slides past my own, I moan. Opening my mouth, I allow him entrance, and he takes—he possesses.

  One of his hands wraps around my ass, while the other fists in my hair and tugs my head back. His lips travel down my neck and I shiver as he tastes my skin.

  He picks me up with one arm. He’s still holding onto my ass, shifting our bodies around, until my back is pressed against the wall. I watch as he then he slides down to his knees. “Show me, Ivy,” he rasps as he stares at me from his place at my knees, right in eye view of my pussy.

  Closing my eyes tightly, I slowly spread my legs. He groans and I feel his fingers at my center, spreading my pussy apart while he blows warm air on my clit. I’m embarrassingly wet when his mouth closes around my clit and his tongue strokes me.

  “Fuck,” I hiss as one of my hands tangles in his hair.

  He grunts. “Fuck’s right, ride my face, babe. Make yourself come,” he murmurs before burying his face against me again.

  I gasp when one of his hands grabs ahold of the back of my knee and lifts my leg spreading me further apart. My fingers tighten in his hair and I ride his tongue. He flicks my clit, sucks, and bites it, between fucking my pussy with his tongue. My body is on edge, it has been on edge for what feels like weeks. It doesn’t take me long to shout out my release, my thighs shaking as my hips roll.

  My hand falls from Derek’s hair and I let my head fall back against the wall with a thud. Then Derek lifts me by the backs of my thighs and I wrap my legs around his hips. The tip of his cock presses against my center and I lift my head, opening my eyes to look into his.

  Suddenly I feel like I’m in panic. This is wrong—so wrong. “Calm down, babe, I put a condom on,” Derek murmurs in an attempt to soothe me. He doesn’t know that the reason I’m starting to freak out has nothing to do with a condom, though I’m glad he put one on.

  He pushes completely inside of me, and moans as he buries his face in my neck. I feel as though I’ve floated completely out of my body and I’m watching this scene unfold. I’m freaked the hell out, and I want to tell him to stop but I’m frozen solid in shock.

  Derek pumps away, his hips slamming against mine and even slips his fingers between us to play with my clit, but nothing could make me come again. I shake myself out of my daze and I fake it. I fake everything. I roll my hips and moan and cry out, every single noise I make is a lie.

  He fucks me harder, his strokes becoming more erratic and I close my eyes when he comes, shouting against my neck. I stay wrapped around him while he continues to slowly pump in and out of me.

  I’ve just made the biggest mistake of my life.

  “Fuck, babe. That was good,” Derek mutters as he slips from my body and helps me to my feet.

  I’m thankful that I’m fairly covered but I feel extremely exposed right now. I want to cry and make him leave, but I don’t know how. He’s supposed to be here as protection, but I want him gone. I murmur that I need to clean up as he lifts his jeans over his hips.

  Locking myself in the bathroom, I clean up quickly. While I’m washing my hands, I force myself to look in the mirror. Shame washes over me. Guilt and shame. I’m a whore, a slut, and an adulteress. What the fuck is wrong with me?

  My hands shake as I dry them off on the towel and I try to figure out how I’m going to get Derek to leave me alone. I want him gone so that I can freak out, and cry, and hate myself. I inhale deeply and let out my breath. I need to be a big girl and just get him the hell out of here.

  Opening the door, I notice he’s completely dressed and standing in the middle of my bedroom, his phone to his ear. He looks at me and shakes his head once before ending the call and shoving it in his pocket.

  “Pres called. I gotta go, the club is sending Tinker over for the night,” he mutters.

  I almost, almost, do a cartwheel. Derek walks closer to me and wraps his hand around the back of my neck, before pressing his lips to mine in a firm, quick kiss. “See you tomorrow, babe. Can’t wait to taste more of that sweet pussy,” he rasps against my lips.

  I shiver, but not from desire, from dread. Tomorrow I’m going to have to tell Derek that what we did can never happen again. Then I have to decide how I’m going to handle it with West. If I tell him, or keep it hidden.

  I don’t sleep, not a single wink all night long. I rotate between tossing, turning, and crying. Then I spend time berating myself about what a whore I am, and what a terrible person I’ve become.

  When the clock on my nightstand turns to six in the morning, I give up. Sliding out of bed, I decide to change into my gym clothes. Today I’ll spend my me time, that’s been allotted by not only my mother-in-law but also Mary-Anne and MadDog, at the gym.

  Throwing my hair in a ponytail, I grab my phone and hurry downstairs. Tinker is standing at my coffee maker, completely dressed and watching the pot brew. His head snaps up and he looks at me. “Can you take me to the gym?” I ask.

  He nods with a yawn. “When the coffee’s done,” he grunts.

  I walk over to the table near the front door and grab my keys before making my way into the kitchen and open the fridge to get a bottle of water. Tinker snatches my keys from my hand, a travel mug in his grasp and walks to the front door without a word.

  Hurrying after him, I rush to my car and climb into the passenger seat as I wait for him to lock up the house. Closing my eyes, I let my head rest agains
t the back of the seat. Silently, he gets inside of the car, starts the engine, and backs down my driveway. I’m thankful that he doesn’t speak the entire way to the gym, and when we arrive he parks the car and leans the seat back.

  “How long you gonna be?” he grumbles with his eyes closed.

  I wrap my hand around the door handle and shrug. “A few hours.” He only grunts and then I wrap my fingers around my phone and leave him.

  The gym is practically empty when I walk inside, save for Chad, Brian, and someone running on a treadmill. I walk straight over to Chad and Brian, and the look on my face must put them on high alert because their eyes both widen and they hurry over to me. “In my office, now,” Brian barks.

  We quickly walk to Brian’s office and as soon as my ass hits the sofa and the door clicks closed I burst into tears. I tell them everything, more than I’ve ever told them before, and when I’m finished they both stare at me a bit dumbfounded.

  “No judgments here, Ivy,” Brian murmurs. I give him a watery smile before my eyes shift over to Chad.

  “Your husband was a dick, and he pretty much ditched you. I get it, I totally get it,” Chad announces. “Now, what are you going to do about it all? Leave him? Try to make it work?”

  I shake my head as I close my eyes. “I know when I tell him that it’ll be over,” I whisper.

  Chad snorts and my eyes pop open and focus on him. “Do you really think he’s innocent in all of this? I saw the man, Ivy.”

  I bite the corner of my mouth and lean back on the sofa letting out an exhale. “He says he hasn’t been with anyone else,” I murmur.

  “Oh, he says that and even if that’s true. What’s he been doing watching all of those people screw without you? I’m sorry, but that is not like watching some porn online. That’s live and in person.”