Bitch Heiress X Samurai Butler

by KuroKoneko Kamen

  But to Kusanagi, who frowned, it had appeared as though Ranmaru had agreed to ask Orihime out on a date a little too...quickly. I bet Ranmaru would prefer having a Master like her...

  ***

  Ranmaru arrived at Orihime’s mansion with some flowers. Daisies. Since the yellow centers of the flowers had reminded Ranmaru of Orihime’s hair. Sigh. He didn’t know what the hell he was doing and was sure he was going to screw this up somehow. Which was why he had beforehand asked Katsumi for some quick advice on how to deal with girls on a date. Katsumi of course had thought Ranmaru had been asking advice for him and Kusanagi and so had readily agreed to help him.

  “First off you have to call me, Katsumi- sensei.” Katsumi began giving Ranmaru an imperious look.

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  Ranmaru raised an eyebrow at her but obliged. “Katsumi sensei.”

  Katsumi coughed. “Now, welcome to Katsumi’s School for Making Stoic Guys Hot and Irresistible! Lesson One: begins now, on how to woo a lady with the proper words...repeat after me: ‘Hello there, beautiful, would you like to go for a walk with me?’”

  “Hello there, beautiful, would you like to go for a walk with me?” Ranmaru repeated in his usual monotone voice, his expression blank.

  Katsumi hit him over the head with a giant paper fan. Where had she gotten that thing? Ranmaru couldn’t help but wonder. “Gigaono! You’ve got it all wrong.” Katsumi complained, hitting him over the head repeatedly. Hey, this is kind of fun. Katsumi was beginning to see why Kusanagi always seemed to be beating Ranmaru up. Cough. “Lesson two: body language. You have to smile charmingly and look sexy.”

  Ranmaru tried again, thinking of the way Haruka would give Kusanagi that cheesy star smile of his. “Excuse me, would you like to go for a walk with me, beautiful?” He gave Katsumi a small half-smirk.

  BANG

  The sound of a gun being fired was heard.

  Katsumi sighed and fainted. When she came to she gave Ranmaru a thumbs up. “Yatta! Alright! Now you are getting it, my student! Buwhahaha! I’m a genius! A true genius!” Katsumi puffed out her chest proudly. “Now try saying: ‘My, you’re looking lovely today’.”

  Ranmaru felt a trickle of sweat form on his brow in response. What was he getting himself into...?

  But Katsumi had turned out to be pretty helpful and so now armed with Katsumi’s ‘lessons’ he had gone to ask Orihime out on the date and of course didn’t arrive empty handed, which Katsumi had explained several times would have been a big no no.

  Orihime opened the door and blinked when she saw Ranmaru standing there. “Komainu? What are you doing here?

  Where’s your Mistress?” Orihime peered behind him, searching for signs of his fiery Mistress.

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  Ranmaru held out the bouquet of daisies, “Let’s go.”

  Orihime raised an eyebrow at his strange behavior. “Go?”

  She thought she caught movement out of the corner of her eye and turned to spot something in the bushes. She saw the telltale spike of Kusanagi’s hair, which was sticking up while Kusanagi had been trying to hide and conceal herself behind the bushes. A cat’s paw smile formed on her face. “Oh I see how it is.” Orihime leaned forward and whispered in Ranmaru’s ear, so that Kusanagi couldn’t hear. “You’ve been ordered to go on a date with me haven’t you?”

  Ranmaru nodded.

  Orihime pulled back and muttered something to herself.

  “To spy on me no doubt...cunning little bitch.” Cough. Then in a much louder voice for Ranmaru to hear she continued - though he had heard her earlier words anyways. “Well then, let’s go.” She teased and took the flowers from his hands before looping her arm through his. “Daisies? They’re nice.” She smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

  Déjà vu. Ranmaru sighed. Here he was stuck taking this strange girl out on a date again when he would much rather be taking his Mistress Kusanagi out on a date, err, outing. His Mistress was an enigma, however, and he knew that if he ever even suggested that he and Kusanagi go out somewhere together that she would immediately spaz out and turn him down. Sigh. Yes, an enigma that Ranmaru never tired of trying to figure out. She was simply...fascinating. In hundreds of years - nothing had captured his interest quite like Kusanagi had. Life had been so boring, so...black and white. Before Kusanagi had ‘exploded’ into his life painting it with splatters of loud brilliant colors. And now each day she punched the ceramic mask he had on his face - a mask that had been created over hundreds of years. His facemask now had cracks and even Ranmaru realized that some of his ‘old self’ was finally shining through thanks to her.

  Ranmaru had thought he would never know true happiness again either but then...Kusanagi had kissed him in 268

  order to save him. Kusanagi...

  Orihime appeared to be in a hurry to do just about anything and everything with Ranmaru that day that she could possibly think of. Orihime dragged poor Ranmaru to all the shoe stores in Tokyo and had him carry her several shopping bags. Expensive stores too like...Prada...Gucci...GothLoli...While Kusanagi followed them all over town.

  There were moments during their date when Ranmaru thought he caught sight of someone else following them, a man in a black cloak, but then he would turn to look in that direction and the mysterious shadowy figure would disappear, making Ranmaru think he had simply imagined it. Maybe. Orihime was laughing, giggling and smiling as she led the way through a crosswalk. Ranmaru could barely see since his arms were piled high with shopping bags and boxes. When-A motorcycle suddenly hit something in the road and swerved erratically heading straight for Orihime! Ranmaru noticed this and stepped in front of Orihime, dropping all of the bags and boxes that were in his hands. He reached out his hand and simply stopped the motorcycle with his one hand as it was upon him. The motorcycle slightly crumbled from the force of the impact. The motorcycle driver was freaked out by Ranmaru’s display of strength and simply ran away screaming in a terrified manner before they could ask him any questions. Orihime was trembling, scared and a bit wide-eyed. She sunk to her knees in shock from her near brush with Death. But Ranmaru turned to her and reached his hand out for her to take.

  “Milady.” That was another thing Katsumi- sensei had taught him, always address a girl as ‘lady’ no matter what. Orihime blushed at the formal address and took Ranmaru’s hand with a small smile, allowing him to help her up.

  “Are you alright?” He asked.

  Orihime smiled brightly back at him, surprised that he even cared. “I am now.”

  ***

  Meanwhile, Kusanagi watched the whole romantic

  ‘Ranmaru was a knight in shinning armor, who saved the beautiful damsel in distress’ scene and was pissed. And that was Bitch 269

  Heiress X Samurai Butler

  putting it lightly. She chewed angrily on her bottom lip. Grrr. What does that bitch think she’s doing? Why did Ranmaru have to go and save her anyways? Oh my god...he’s offering his hand to her like she’s some kind of delicate, fair maiden or something!

  How dare she touch him! Mou! That hussy! Argh! Kusanagi pulled at her hair and then her eyes widened when she realized something. Ack, I can’t believe I’m actually letting this even bother me! I’m not...jealous? Uso! No way! Brain freeze. Then, out of the corner of her eye, Kusanagi thought she caught sight of something or rather someone. A cloaked and shadowy figure ran off into a nearby alleyway. Kusanagi rubbed at her eyes. Had she imagined seeing such a suspicious looking character in the vicinity of Orihime’s almost accident? Or was the cloaked figure...gulp...Death himself? Kusanagi didn’t even want to think about that.

  Kusanagi returned her attention to the two of them and saw that Ranmaru was now busy picking up the fallen bags and boxes. Grr. How dare that bitch treat him like a servant! Making Ranmaru carry all her bags like that! Just who does that Princess think she is? Hmph! Argh...I treat him just like that don’t I? Like I care! Kusanagi began to pull at her hair again as she con
tinued to watch the two of them together...

  “Yo.” Came a sudden voice unexpectedly behind Kusanagi.

  “ACK!” Kusanagi turned around to see that Shinichi and Katsumi had been standing behind her.

  “Kusanagi, what are you doing? Aren’t you supposed to be on a date with Ranmaru?” Katsumi asked curiously. Kusanagi immediately began to spaz out and waved her hands frantically before her, “Why the hell are you two here?

  This isn’t...what it looks like! I’m not stalking Ranmaru or anything. I’m on a...a...mission! Yea, a top secret mission, that’s it.”

  Katsumi was immediately convinced while Shinichi looked completely skeptical. “Ooo!” Katsumi’s eyes became starry. “A top secret mission? Don’t worry General.” Katsumi 270

  saluted her, military style. “I’m good with stealth so maybe I can help. Oh hey, look it’s Ranmaru. Hey Ranmaru! Over here!”

  Katsumi began to wave over at him enthusiastically. Kusanagi immediately slapped a hand over Katsumi’s mouth and glared down at the girl. Why me? She moaned in her mind.

  Crunch...Crunch...

  Shinichi was munching on some potato chips. Watching Kusanagi burn up all those calories always made him hungry for some reason. Kusanagi turned to glare at him next. “And what are you doing here too? Argh...I’m surrounded by crazies.”

  “You’d be the Queen of the Crazies then right?” Katsumi suggested innocently.

  Kusanagi shot her a dark look, “Do you want to die?”

  Kusanagi then noticed what Katsumi and Shinichi were wearing and her eye twitched. What the hell are they wearing? They were dressed strangely in matching blue kimonos and had these white headbands tied around their foreheads that had the letter ‘B’ and then a pink heart, and then another letter ‘B’ besides it. Huh?

  Kusanagi raised an eyebrow at their odd getup. “And what the hell are you two wearing?”

  Shinichi and Katsumi suddenly struck a pose together, with their arms out to their sides. Yep, they had obviously practiced this. “We’re the B and B fan club!”

  “B and B fan club?” Kusanagi’s mouth twitched this time.

  “We’re shippers...” Shinichi began to explain.

  “Shippers?” Kusanagi quirked her head at them. “I’m missing something here aren’t I?”

  “We’re shippers as in fans of the Bitch and the Butler pairing.” Katsumi put in next.

  “The who?” Kusanagi furrowed her brows at them.

  “Why you and Ranmaru of course!” Shinichi declared adjusting his monocle in a snarky manner.

  “Me and...?” The Bitch and the Butler...? Hey, that’s kind of catchy - gigao! No way! Hey, wait a second here. Kusanagi blushed. “But there isn’t anything going on between me and Ranmaru.”

  Katsumi nodded, “That’s the whole point, silly. That’s why they call us ‘shippers’, we’re fans of an imaginary Bitch 271

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  relationship pairing. One that doesn’t exist.”

  Kusanagi’s eye twitched this time. She was beginning to get real twitchy around these two. “Imaginary...?”

  “But you must like Ranmaru a lot to follow him on his date with Orihime like this.” Shinichi smirked. “I didn’t think you were the jealous type.”

  Kusanagi burst out and exploded. “I am NOT following them! This is...like I said before a mission.”

  Shinichi just smiled to himself, “Surre.’

  Kusanagi cracked her knuckles, “Oh that’s it.” She decided she’d beat them the hell up before continuing on her way. Which she did in about 5.2 seconds flat. Kusanagi dusted her hands off and went back to following Orihime and Ranmaru, this time to an all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant. She took a seat at a booth not too far from Orihime and Ranmaru’s and held up a menu in front of her face to hide behind.

  Katsumi and Shinichi both nonchalantly took their seats at the table directly across from Kusanagi. Kusanagi lowered her menu and gapped at them in shock. How dare they sit at her table! “Oi! What are you two doing here?”

  Shinichi was busy reading from the menu, “Why we’re here for the all-you-can-eat sushi of course.”

  “Fish...” Katsumi’s eyes had turned into two large hearts and a trickle of drool was going down her chin. Kusanagi sighed heavily, giving in. “Just don’t get in my way, weirdos.”

  Shinichi and Katsumi both exclaimed-“YAY!”

  “Oh brother...” Kusanagi slapped a hand to her forehead.

  “What a duo...”

  They ordered an all-you-can-eat sushi sampler tray that had a variety of different types of sushi on it. There was of course plenty for everyone. However, Kusanagi hadn’t counted on the voracious appetites of her two weird friends. As soon as the sushi had been set down on the table it was like Shinichi and Katsumi had both gone into ‘battle mode’ - they raised their chopsticks, 272

  and strange glints had formed in their eyes as they suddenly attacked the sushi. Kusanagi’s jaw dropped, they were fast, but this was just being silly, ridiculous really, who ever heard of getting so worked up over some sushi anyways? And they were also eating out in public too – Oi! Hey! That was her piece of sushi dammit! Grr. Kusanagi’s competitive nature began to kick in despite herself. “Why you!” Kusanagi raised her chopsticks and joined in on the Sushi War before she realized what she was doing.

  Cough. Yes, Kusanagi decided as she fought off Katsumi’s attack with her own chopsticks. Eating at an all-youcan-eat sushi restaurant could be a battle too. And she wasn’t about to lose any battle she ever decided to fight in! Yosha! All the sushi would be hers! She would become the Sushi Queen!

  Buwhahaha! Kusanagi inwardly cackled to herself.

  ***

  Meanwhile, Orihime and Ranmaru were watching the loud commotion that Kusanagi and her friends were causing. Orihime was trying really hard not to burst out laughing and Ranmaru remained blank-faced, though his eyes were sparkling slightly as he watched his Oujo-sama. Orihime couldn’t hold herself back much longer and burst out laughing, “And this is her version of being incognito and trying to spy on someone? She’s become the loudest of the bunch! She’d make a lousy ninja that’s for sure!”

  Ranmaru and Orihime’s own all-you-could-eat sushi platter arrived and was set down before them. They too began to dig in; or rather Orihime began to dig in while Ranmaru simply watched her.

  Orihime began to get uncomfortable by this and raised an eyebrow at him. “You can eat too, you know...”

  Ranmaru bowed his head, “Thank you, milady.” He took up his own chopsticks and began to eat slowly. Orihime shook her head at him. “Do you always have to get permission for every little thing you do?”

  “Yes.” Ranmaru deadpanned.

  Orihime looked at him curiously, “Just how long have you been a Spell-Collared slave anyways?”

  “Over four hundred years.”

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  Orihime began to choke on a piece of sushi. “Four hundred years? That’s...crazy!”

  “Hn.”

  Orihime set down her chopsticks and hesitated, a thoughtful expression coming to her face. “Don’t you miss it...freedom, I mean.”

  Ranmaru looked over at Kusanagi, “Not...anymore.”

  “I see, you really do love her don’t you.” Orihime rested her chin on her hands as her golden eyes bored into Ranmaru’s own.

  It was Ranmaru’s turn to choke. “I don’t know what you mean. I am my lady’s butler, nothing more.”

  Orihime sighed and tossed her long golden hair over her shoulder in a careless gesture, “You just keep telling yourself that Ranmaru, you dense komainu. But you know, if Kusanagi continues to be so evasive about her true feelings then I’m going to have to steal you away for myself.”

  Ranmaru’s ears perked up. “Evasive?”

  “Pass the soy sauce, Ranmaru.” Orihime ignored him. Ranmaru deflated, “Hai. ” He did as he was told. A different waiter than the one who had original
ly taken their orders stopped by their table to place another tray of sushi before them. Orihime snagged a new piece with her chopsticks and was about to plop it into her mouth when Ranmaru suddenly had a bad feeling about the sushi for some reason and threw one of his own chopsticks at it so that it was knocked out from Orihime’s chopsticks.

  “Ranmaru!” Orihime shouted at him in a mixture of shock and outrage.

  Ranmaru pointed at the piece of sushi, which was now burning a hole in the floor, “Poison.” He informed her simply. Orihime blinked down at the piece of sushi in shock.

  “More like acid.” Her expression darkened. “I suppose that’s our cue to leave. Come on, Spot, let’s go.”

  Ranmaru obediently followed her out in his usual calm and composed manner. All his keen senses however were on high 274

  alert. If he didn’t know better he’d say there was someone out to claim Orihime’s life.

  ***

  Kusanagi and the others rushed to get their bill before running off and following after Orihime and Ranmaru. They followed the couple and after several minutes it became apparent that Orihime and Ranmaru were heading towards the amusement park. Kusanagi, Shinichi, and Katsumi all made the mistake of following Orihime and Ranmaru on the roller coaster ride that the couple had decided to go on. Kusanagi made a mental note: Roller coasters and all-you-can-eat sushi don’t mix. After that the trio ended up throwing up in a nearby alleyway. Kusanagi’s eye twitched, if she didn’t know any better she’d have thought Orihime had done that on purpose, as if she had known that Kusanagi was stalking her on her and Ranmaru’s ‘date’. Naw. Kusanagi shook her head, she was just being paranoid. Once they had recovered it was to see Orihime dragging Ranmaru off to one of those small, cramped photo booths to take a commemorative photo. That hussy! Trying to get all close and snug with my Ranmaru in that closed in space! Grrr! Kusanagi could barely hold back the green dragon of envy that had formed inside of her mind and that was spitting out flames. Kusanagi stalked towards the photo booth prepared to drag Orihime and Ranmaru out of there and kick both their asses. And she would have done so too if it hadn’t been for Katsumi and Shinichi restraining her and dragging her back behind a tree to better spy on the couple.