I told myself I could take everything I wanted later, when we were alone, and that put butterflies in my stomach. A part of me wasn’t sure if we should take the step we’d eluded to the week before. I wanted him, so bad, and I could tell he wanted me too, but did I want to take that step with him if we weren’t going to end up together? What Chris said earlier in the week had resonated with me, and I couldn’t stop thinking about how a relationship with Ryder could never work in the long run. I wanted it. I wanted it so bad, but our lives were so different, and I knew Ryder would eventually realize how hard it was to date someone like me.
He’d see over the next week how my life was dictated by schedules that I didn’t create and how I was always on the go. Just in New York alone, on the three days I had off between shows, I had an interview with a magazine, I was performing on two different morning shows, and I had a photo shoot for a cosmetics line. My life never stopped, and he’d soon realize that he wouldn’t want to be a part of that.
I mean, who wanted a girlfriend who couldn’t put her boyfriend first? Ryder deserved more than that, and as much as it would kill me to let him go, to know that some other girl was going to end up with him, because he really was the complete package that any girl would want, I couldn’t keep him. I wouldn’t make him happy, and the last thing I wanted was to drive him away. I’d rather us be friends than go through not having him in my life. I’d done that and hated it. I wouldn’t go back to it, but I also knew I couldn’t have it all.
That gut-wrenching reality plagued me throughout the rest of the meet-and-greet where I went through the motions of meeting my fans, smiling and taking pictures with them, but my mind was elsewhere. As soon as the last fan had left the tent, Elisa motioned for me to head back to my dressing room. I knew I had about forty-five minutes until I had to head to the on stage. Paul and the rest of Star Finger were getting ready to go on for their opening set, and I had to get my hair and make-up done for my first few numbers.
As we started back to my dressing room, I stopped and turned, looking for Ryder. He came out of the tent with Elisa, who I knew he’d met earlier in the night. She’d shown him to my dressing room. They were talking and laughing, and I felt a twinge of jealousy float through me, so I waited for them to catch up.
I knew Elisa thought Ryder was cute, but thanks to me, she also thought he was gay. She’d actually asked me who he was and if he was single earlier in the week. I’d wanted to shout at her that he was taken, that he was mine, but I couldn’t do that. Instead I’d kept up the pretense that I’d believed for so long and told her he essentially wasn’t available. Of course now I couldn’t help but think how much happier he might be with someone low-key like her, who didn’t have to hide him from the public eye. I hated doing that, but until I was sure what I wanted in the long run, I couldn’t let anyone know about us. And that made me feel like shit. Ryder would feel like shit if he knew the truth.
“Hey you,” I said, hooking my arm through his.
He looked surprised by the gesture and stopped for a second to look at me. I smiled back, and I knew it looked as if we had a secret to anyone who was passing by, but the good thing was that we’d probably always looked at each other that way. The only difference was that now I really just wanted to kiss his face off.
It was like my mind and body were at war. My brain was saying, ‘Be careful’, but my hands were ready to rip his clothes from his body.
As we walked, Ryder leaned over and kissed my temple in more of a friendly gesture. “You were pretty amazing in there,” he said, giving me one of his bright, dimply smiles that I’d always loved, even when I didn’t feel the way about him that I did now.
“I love meeting my fans,” I said sincerely. Then I looked up at him through my lashes. “But I’m glad my number one fan is here tonight.”
He smiled. “You’re taking about me, right,” he said, feigning ignorance.
I squeezed his arm tighter, wishing I could do more, but there were too many people milling about. “I’m glad you’re here. That’s all I’m saying,” I told him.
“I’m glad you’re glad,” he said, leaning over to whisper in my ear. “But I was sort of hoping I could give you a proper hello.”
Damn, I wanted that too, but as soon as we entered my dressing room, I knew that wasn’t possible. We weren’t alone at all. My styling team and their assistants were all hanging out.
“Hey everyone?” Ryder suddenly said, very loudly, and I looked up at him in surprise, along with everyone else. He was usually so reserved around my team. “Can I have Syd for five minutes? I need to talk to her about something.”
“Yeah, sure,” Clea said, speaking on behalf of the group.
“Just five minutes, Ryder,” Denise warned him, and I knew we were on a tight schedule.
He smiled at her. “I don’t need more than that.”
As soon as the room had cleared out, he turned to me.
“Well that was brave of you, telling everyone to clear–” I started to say, but his lips were on mine before I could continue my sentence, and then he was walking me backward. My calves hit the couch, and I fell back, pulling him down with me, careful not to break the kiss.
“We only have five minutes, and I’ve been waiting all week to do this. No talking,” he said against my lips.
Okay, that was hot. I liked aggressive Ryder, I thought as my hands splayed out over his back, feeling the muscles under his shirt as I pulled him closer to me. His hands were in my hair on either side of my head, holding me in place as his lips assaulted mine over and over again in a really nice way.
When I snaked my hands up the front of his shirt, he groaned into my mouth, and it might have been the hottest thing I’d ever heard. I quickly lifted the t-shirt he was wearing under his gray shirt and ran my hands up his bare stomach, feeling the ripples of his abs as my hands slid over them and up to his hard pecs.
“Damn, Syd,” he said, as he pulled away from my mouth and dropped his head onto my shoulder, his lower half grinding against me slowly as I wrapped my legs around his waist, pulling him closer.
He moved his lips to my neck then, kissing and sucking gently, and I let my head fall back as my hands stayed where they were but my thumbs rubbed rhythmic circles over his flat nipples. I could feel the hardness of his erection between my thighs, and the heat between us was practically unbearable.
“I want you so bad,” he hissed against my throat that I had angled so he could reach it with ease.
Knock, knock.
“Fuck,” Ryder hissed, pulling back almost instantly.
Our five minutes were apparently up, but we were just getting started. How the hell was I supposed to get through two hours of performing when I was practically on fire? My concentration was going to be shot. All I’d be able to think about would be continuing what we’d started. Five minutes was not enough time. I wanted so much more, and at that moment all I could think was fuck the consequences. Forget about the long term implications if we slept together. I wanted Ryder, and he wanted me. For once in my life, I was going to live in the now and take what I’d wanted for way too long.
“One second,” I called out, really not wanting anyone to walk in on us in that moment.
Ryder sat up and flopped onto the other side of the couch in frustration, running his hands through his now messy brown hair. His lips looked swollen and shiny pink with traces of my lip gloss around his mouth. I stole a glance at his crotch as he grabbed a pillow and placed it on his lap.
I smirked at him. “That’s not obvious or anything,” I told him, and he couldn’t help but smirk back.
“I just need a minute,” he said, and my ego swelled just a bit.
I loved that I had that kind of power over him, but of course, he had the same power over me. I was kind of aching for him, but it just wasn’t obvious to the naked eye.
“Do I look like I was just making out?” I asked, as I got up and walked over to the vanity mirror. Yup, I sure did. I didn’t
even need him to answer me. My lip gloss had completely come off, and the make-up around my mouth had faded. How the hell was I supposed to hide this?
“I kind of like that look on you,” Ryder said from behind me, the pillow still on his lap.
I shot him a look as I grabbed a make-up remover wipe and started to scrub my face clean. Shelly would just have to start over.
“Yeah, you would,” I said sarcastically, as I smiled at him in the mirror. “And you might want to wipe my lip gloss from your face. Just saying.”
His hand immediately flew to his mouth, and he scrubbed it a few times as Denise opened the door and walked in, followed by six other people.
“You two about done?” she asked, smiling at me. Then she winked at Ryder.
“Yes, we were just talking,” I said adamantly. “Ryder’s having girl problems.”
“I’m what?” he asked from the couch, his eyes wide.
I shot him a look that said, ‘Just go with it!’.
“Were you helping him with those ‘problems’?” Clea asked, not holding back.
I smiled. I couldn’t help it. “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I insisted. “I told you, we were just talking.”
Then Denise turned to Ryder. “She’s such a bad liar. Way to go.”
Ryder fought a smile. “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said, but he couldn’t keep a straight face.
“I knew it,” Shelly burst out, pointing at Clea. “I told you they were going to hook up. You owe me ten bucks.”
I swatted Clea’s arm. “We’re just friends,” I told her, possibly with more emotion in my tone than was necessary. “Jeez, he’s like my brother.”
I hated that Ryder’s face fell when I said that. Perhaps I’d taken it too far, but he couldn’t have thought I meant that. His tongue had literally just been in my mouth.
He shot me a look that told me he wanted me to just tell them. He knew Clea, Shelly and Denise were like family to me, and it wasn’t like they hadn’t already figured out that we were hooking up. I should have told them, but the words got stuck on my tongue.
Aside from the fact that I was supposedly with Dillon, I knew the second I told my friends I was dating Ryder, they’d ask me a million questions, and I’d be forced to define what we were. Until I got the chance to talk to Ryder about my concerns, I knew I couldn’t do that.
I tried to catch his gaze in the mirror, but he wouldn’t look at me. He just kept looking down at the pillow on his lap that he was clutching, his knuckles white. I was pretty sure he didn’t need it anymore, but he didn’t seem to want to let it go. I could see the firm set of his jaw, and I wasn’t sure what was wrong with him. He knew I wasn’t going to tell anyone about us just yet. We’d talked about it.
“Yeah, right,” Shelly muttered. “I make out with all the people I’m ‘just friends’ with.”
“We weren’t making out,” I protested, but I wasn’t sure if anyone believed me with traces of my lip gloss still shining around Ryder’s mouth. He hadn’t gotten all of it off. “I promise you it’s not like that with us.”
Ryder looked up and glared at me for a few seconds, and I heard in my head how harshly I’d said what I had. I knew he was pissed when he stood up and tossed the pillow aside. As he started toward the door, I called out to him.
“Where are you going?”
“For a walk,” he said, opening and shutting the door with a slam as he left the room.
I felt my shoulders slump. I felt like such a jerk. I hadn’t wanted to hurt him, but it was obvious I had.
“Do you want to go after him?” Clea asked, and I started to say yes, but Denise answered for me.
“You can’t. There’s no time.”
“But,” I protested, knowing it was an empty request.
“No buts, Syd. We’ve got to stay on schedule.”
“Fine,” I said, sighing as I dug my cell phone out of my back pocket and slumped down into the chair in front of the lighted vanity.
Thankfully my team didn’t make any more comments, but I could see they all wanted to. They loved Ryder. They’d love nothing more to learn that we were together. Hell, they’d badgered me about it enough after Whit and I broke up. And I was sure they were mad at me for upsetting him. Hell, I was mad at myself.
I dialed Ryder’s number expecting him not to answer, so I was kind of surprised when he did.
“What?” he said tersely, but there was more hurt in his tone than anger. I hated that I’d put it there.
“I’m sorry,” I told him.
“I know,” he said glumly. “But why couldn’t you have told them? What would it have mattered? You know they wouldn’t care.”
“I should have. I’m sorry.”
I wasn’t having this conversation over the phone. I needed to talk to him face-to-face, share my fears and talk to him about what he wanted, what I wanted. And I couldn’t do that when I was surrounded by people either. It would have to wait until after the concert.
He sighed in frustration when I didn’t say anything else. “Syd, I get it. We talked about this, but it didn’t make it any easier to hear you say we were just friends – so adamantly I might add. We’re not, right?”
The doubt in his voice killed me.
“No, we’re not,” I said, hoping to ease his mind.
I didn’t want him to doubt how I felt. The internal war I’d been waging before didn’t have anything to do with how much I wanted to be with him. I wasn’t about that. It was about whether I was good enough for him. But I knew Ryder could read me better than anyone. Maybe he’d sensed that something was off with me and automatically assumed the worst.
“Good,” he said tightly. “Syd, I don’t like hiding things. I want to be able to kiss you and not care who sees it. I want to hold your hand and put my arm around you and have people know what you mean to me. I just, I wasn’t prepared. I mean, I knew we’d have to sneak around and pretend, but it’s not as easy as I thought it would be.”
God, he wanted everything from me, and I wanted to give it all to him, but I wasn’t sure I could.
“I know it’s not easy, but it’ll just be for a little while. I promise.”
“I hope so,” he said, and the doubt was there again.
In those three words, I could hear how much he wanted this thing between us to work. And I knew I wanted that too. Especially after the way I’d felt the second he stormed out of my dressing room.
I’d felt empty without his smiling, sunshiny warmth. Fuck, I wanted him so bad, and not just physically. And I knew in that moment that I was going to be selfish about getting and keeping what I wanted. It was like a switch had flipped, and I was suddenly determined to fight like hell to be the kind of girlfriend he deserved, because I think I knew deep down, when I’d heard the conviction in his words, that I wanted nothing more than to be with him.
“Will you come back to my dressing room?” I asked when he didn’t say anything else.
He took a deep breath. “In a few minutes,” he said, sounding defeated. “I think I just want to walk around for a little bit, okay?”
My heart sank. I could only imagine what he was thinking in that moment, and dread filled my gut. I wanted to tell him everything I’d suddenly realized, but I was surrounded by people.
“Please, Ry.”
He sighed. “I’ll head back that way,” he finally said. “I’m on the other side of the arena.”
“You are? How did you get over there so fast?”
He must have been walking the whole time we’d been on the phone.
“Tell me it wasn’t a mistake to come here,” he asked then, not answering my question, and I think my heart stopped for a few beats. I hated that he thought that.
“Of course it wasn’t,” I told him honestly.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure. Just come back, Ry. Please,” I begged, because I didn’t want him to read into anything else from my words.
R
ight then I couldn’t tell him how I felt and what I wanted, but before I went on stage, I was going to pull him aside and tell him. I owed him that much.
“Okay, I’ll be back in a few minutes,” he said.
I breathed out a sigh of relief.
Chapter Sixteen
Ryder
I was a fucking pussy! If Jake had been there he’d have kick my ass for acting the way I was, storming around backstage, slamming my hand against walls, kicking things, but I was so far gone over this girl that I had resorted to acting like a pathetic asshole, taking things completely over the top. I’d known Sydney was going to deny that we were together. I’d fucking known it, and I still hadn’t reacted well when she’d actually done it.
Hell, we’d literally just been making out. Her hands had been up my shirt, on my bare skin, she was practically moaning into my mouth, her legs had been wrapped around me, pulling me as close to her as I could get without actually being inside her, and I knew she’d wanted more. Yet I’d still freaked out. What was wrong with me?
You’re in love, you moron.
I knew that’s what it was. I was so afraid that I wasn’t enough, that I wanted this more than she did, that she’d change her mind or she’d see that I was just an average guy, and she’d dump me. I was waiting for it to happen, expecting it, like it was inevitable. I didn’t even have the sense to see that she wanted me too, that we were right together.
Shit, I’d known her before all the bullshit parts of her job, and I was acting like we’d just met, like she was some famous pop star who I’d ogled from afar only to have had the fortunate chance to meet. But it had never been like that. I knew her first. I was her best friend. I knew things about her that no one else did, and that had to count for something. I needed to get my head on straight before I did something I regretted.
Only With You Page 15
