Only With You

by Alexander, Monica

  For years I’d held back from experimenting or even letting loose in bed, and it was ironic to me that I found the ability to do that with someone I’d only seen as a friend for years. It was almost as if that comfort and familiarity allowed me to ask for things I’d always been too intimidated to initiate before. But with Ryder, I never felt vulnerable. I wasn’t fearful that what I said and did with him would come back to haunt me. He looked at me with such a reverence that I just wanted to stay with him forever.

  It was a scary thought seeing as we were both twenty years old, but when you had something so good, why would you ever look for anything else? And in that moment, I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I had some time since he’d be in class until noon, so I figured I’d do it then.

  “I haven’t wanted to be anywhere else but with you since you left,” I told him honestly, saying what I’d been afraid to admit for weeks.

  Because even though I loved my fans and performing, none of it compared to what I felt with Ryder. It wasn’t like I had to choose. I knew he supported what I did, but meshing our lives together would be so much better.

  As if reading my mind, he said. “I tried to transfer schools on Friday.”

  I looked up at him in surprise. “You did what?”

  His face fell. “It didn’t work. I missed all the deadlines to apply as a transfer student – by like six months. It’s not going to happen.”

  I felt like there was a permanent look of shock on my face. “You’re seriously looking into it, though?”

  Never in my life had anyone done something like that for me for such a selfless reason. I was in awe.

  “Yeah, I went to an advisor to see how easy it would be, and it wasn’t. So, I’ll be here for the next two years.”

  “Oh, my God, Ryder. Just the fact that you would try,” I said, the tears starting to well up in my eyes. “I can’t believe it.”

  “I just want to be with you,” he told me.

  “I want to be with you too. I didn’t think it would be this hard, but I miss you all the time.”

  He smiled. “I like hearing that. Truthfully there’s still this part of me that thinks you’re going to tell me one day that we’re too different, that I’m not exciting enough or that I can’t be the guy you want. It terrifies me. I’m not used to being insecure, but the thought of losing you makes me a little nuts.”

  My heart squeezed at just the thought that he had any doubts about how much I wanted him in my life, but I understood his fears since I felt them daily. I wondered what it would take for us to both feel secure that neither of us was going to walk.

  I leaned up and kissed him. “I hate that you think that, because it’s not going to happen. I love you so much, and I can’t imagine wanting anyone else.”

  “Yeah?” he asked, his mouth turning into a smirk.

  “Yeah. I wish I could describe to you how I feel, because it’s more intense than anything I’ve ever felt before.

  “I’m sure you’ve written some songs about it,” he ventured, and I smiled.

  “Only about fifty,” I said sheepishly. “But you know I’ve never been good at getting my emotions out any other way.”

  He laughed. “So I guess I’ll learn how you feel about me in a year when your album comes out?”

  I smacked him playfully on the chest. “Stop it. You know how I feel, but to sum it up, with how I feel all the time when I think about you and us and how happy I’ve been for the past six weeks, let me just say, I’m pretty sure you’re stuck with me for life.”

  I hoped I hadn’t scared him with that divulgence, but it felt good to say it, to tell him how much he meant to me. And I was pretty sure he felt the same way.

  His arms tightened around me. “I’m okay with that. Shit, Syd, you’ve been my whole world since I was eight years old. I don’t think I wanted to share you with anyone back then, and I couldn’t even imagine doing it now – not after knowing how incredible it is to be with you. Growing up I always had this fear in the back of my mind that one day you would end up with some asshole, and I’d have to be okay with it, because I was your best friend. But I knew I would hate every second of it, not only because you’d want him over me, because it would mean that I no longer came first in your life. And I hated that idea.”

  I kissed him again, letting my lips linger for a few seconds. “You’ve always been first, Ryder. Always. I think I might have even damaged a few relationships because of it.”

  “Yeah?”

  I shrugged sheepishly. “Yeah, well, I always talked about my best friend, Ryder, and how smart you were, and how nice and supportive and sweet. Guys I dated accused me of having feelings for you. Of course I thought you were gay, so once I told them that, they backed off, but you know no matter who I was with, you always came first in my mind.”

  He smiled. “I’ll overlook the gay thing, even though I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive you for that. Thank God my parents never knew you thought that.”

  “Why? They would have been supportive if you’d have come out to them.”

  Ryder’s parents were two of the most liberal people I’d ever met.

  “Yeah, I know, but I also know that as supportive as a lot of parents are, having a gay child is initially traumatic. I wouldn’t have wanted to put them through that.”

  “I think they were traumatized to know you were dating a starlet.”

  He laughed. “Yeah, not so much. I think they always thought we’d end up together, so they weren’t really surprised. They probably would have been traumatized if I was dating anyone else in your world, but they love you. You know that. My mom actually casually mentioned to me last week something about weddings and grandchildren. I told her to back off and remember my age, and I think she realized then how crazy her comment was.”

  I smiled and laid my head on his chest. “It’s not so crazy.”

  “What?” Ryder asked, and he couldn’t have masked the panic in his voice if he tried.

  I laughed. “Someday. Not today or next week or even next year. But maybe in ten years. Like I said, I’m not going anywhere, and at some point, we’ll have to take those next logical steps.”

  “Yeah, we will,” he said softly, and I wondered if he was finally letting the reality of what we had with each other sink in.

  He’d probably not thought much ahead of the next year or so, and I couldn’t blame him. Everything between us had moved so fast, but it was exactly what I’d always wanted. And I’d always been a hopeless romantic, so naturally I’d dreamed about what it would be like to marry Ryder someday. I couldn’t help it. It was a really nice image of what our life would be like ten years down the road.

  Ryder yawned then. “One day, when I actually have more than fifty dollars to my name, I’m going to buy you the most beautiful ring, Sydney Chase, and then I’m going to get down one knee and ask you to marry me.”

  I smiled, the bare skin of his chest warm on my cheek, almost lulling me to sleep. “I’ll say yes when you ask. Just so you know.”

  “I know,” he said, and I felt his whole body relax.

  Before I knew it, sleep had claimed both of us.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Ryder

  I hated saying goodbye to Sydney. It felt like all we ever did was leave each other, but it was our reality. Of course it wouldn’t be that way forever. It was just that way now. It had been two weeks since we’d seen each other, but I’d get to see her the next day.

  The two days she’d spent in Gainesville had been incredible. Since the city was half-empty, and no one expected to see her there, we had a little more free reign than we would have had during the regular school year. Still, when we’d gone out, Sydney had donned a shoulder-length blond wig that made me do a double-take the first time I’d seen her wearing it.

  I’d gone to her hotel to meet her after class, and she’d opened the door with it on.

  “Where did my girlfriend go?” I asked her.

  She laughed and pulled it
off as she pulled me into the room.

  “What do you think?”

  “I think I like you better when you look like you,” I said honestly.

  She rolled her eyes. “No, do you think it’ll work if I wear that and sunglasses.”

  “Yeah,” I said truthfully, because no one would recognize her.

  “Good,” she said, putting the wig back on. “I want you to show me around the campus this afternoon.”

  I smiled. “I would love to.”

  That day I’d walked her around pointing out buildings I’d had classes in, the library, my freshman year dorm, the stadium and anything else I thought she might like to see. I held her hand and we walked around together, no one blinking twice at her. It was incredibly liberating to not feel like we were being followed or to have to hide. I wanted that all the time, and in a small town like Gainesville, we might be able to have it.

  That night, I’d taken her to dinner at Dragonfly, treating her to the best sushi I’d found in town, and then we’d gone back to her hotel for the night. In the morning, I’d gone to class, and she’d met with the reporter from the fashion magazine at a little bistro I’d told her about. Trey, who liked to show the girls he dated a good time before he slept with them, had told me about it. It was intimate and had secluded booths where I knew Syd would feel comfortable. And thankfully Trey hadn’t questioned my desire to know about where he wined and dined his dates. He probably figured I wanted to seduce some girl I’d met, which was what he usually did.

  Sydney left the next morning, needing to be in Omaha for her concert that night, and I’d held her for what felt like an hour before I let her get on her private plane. I was so tempted to follow her up the stairs and never leave her side, and the only thing holding me back was the realization that I’d see her again in a week and a half. As soon as my finals were finished, I was going to be on a plane to meet up with the tour.

  We’d get to spend a week together before I had to be back for the second summer semester, which I wasn’t looking forward to in the least. But during that semester, I was going to fly out to L.A. for the charity event Sydney was hosting with the guys from Westside, and then I was going back out a week later for the Teen Choice Awards and then two weeks after that I’d be in New York for the VMAs. It would be a lot of traveling, but I didn’t care. I’d get to see her, and that would be awesome.

  * * *

  I was thinking about my upcoming travel schedule as I was walking across campus after my last final was finished. The last week and a half as I’d counted down to the end of the semester had been grueling, and I was glad to be done. My classes had been great, and I’d thoroughly enjoyed the material, but I was looking forward to taking a break. Mostly because taking a break also meant getting to visit my girlfriend.

  I stopped short when I reached the front lawn of the house and realized there were reporters and police cars out front. My heart started to pound, and my first thought was that something bad had happened.

  I stayed back as I pulled my phone from my backpack to call Jake. It vibrated in my hand, making me practically jump out of my skin. Jake was calling me.

  “Hey Jake,” I said when I answered the call, glad he was okay. “What the hell is going on at the house?”

  “Dude, where are you?” he hissed.

  “I’m out front,” I told him. “Calm down.”

  “Out front?! I’ve been texting you for an hour. What the hell?!”

  Shit, he sounded freaked, and I suddenly feared the worst, a myriad of tragic images running through my mind at once.

  “I was in class. I had a test,” I said, trying to stay as calm as possible. “My phone was in my backpack. Why are there reporters and police officers here?”

  “I called the cops,” he confirmed.

  “Why?”

  “Because the fucking media has been pounding on the door for the past three hours, and they won’t leave.”

  “Why? Did something happen? Is everyone okay?”

  “Yeah, everyone’s fine. There here for a different reason,” he said, his tone giving away what he didn’t want to say.

  I knew there was only one reason why the media would be there, and I started to back away from the house. They hadn’t seen me yet.

  “Some pictures of you and Sydney kissing were sold to some tabloid, and you guys are front-page news, apparently.”

  “Shit,” I hissed, jumping when a car horn blared to my right.

  I realized then that I’d backed up into the street. The horn honking caused some of the reporters to turn around, and as soon as they did, recognition flashed on their faces.

  “That’s him!” one called out, and I froze.

  What was I supposed to do? Run? They were all walking toward me at a clipped pace, and I frantically looked around for the cops. Where the hell were they?

  “Jake? Are you with the cops?”

  “Yeah. They just got here, and I was telling them what happened. But they can’t do anything except keep the reporters away from the house. They can be on-campus, though.”

  Shit.

  Flashes were suddenly blinding my vision and a wall of people surrounded me, shoving microphones in my face.

  “Ryder, is it true that you and Sydney Chase are in a relationship?”

  “Sydney’s team is confirming that you’re her boyfriend. Can you comment?”

  “How long have you been dating Sydney?”

  “Were you responsible for breaking up her and Dillon Paulson?”

  “Do you consider yourself to be a home wrecker?”

  “What’s it like dating someone as famous as Sydney?”

  “You and Sydney have been friends since childhood. When did you become more than friends?”

  “Do you and Sydney engage in sex through text messages regularly?”

  My eyes went wide. What the hell kind of question was that, but the guy who’d asked it had a completely straight face as he waited for me to respond. Like that was going to happen. I was like a freaking deer in headlights. I didn’t know what to say or what to do, but I knew when to keep my mouth shut.

  “Jake, I’m trapped,” I said to him instead of acknowledging the reporters.

  I looked up to see him peeking out the blinds of our room. Then he was gone. I hoped he was getting the cops outside to help me, because I was fearful of two things. One, if I stopped to realize what was happening, it was going to set me off, and I didn’t want to hurt anyone for asking questions I didn’t want to answer. Two, if I actually started to process what the reporters were asking me, I was libel to call Sydney right then and there and demand answers. And that was a bad idea. I needed to call her once I got inside, because there was one thing the reporters had asked that was resonating with me: Sydney’s team is confirming that you’re her boyfriend.

  Was it true? Had Sydney’s team made a statement? How did I not know this? Why wasn’t I told?

  Before I knew what was happening, two police officers were clearing the crowd around me, and telling the reporters to back off. I stepped out of the fray, glad to finally have air to breathe.

  “Are you okay, son?”

  “I’m fine. Thank you for your help,” I mumbled as politely as I could when I was livid on the inside. I stalked forward and into the house, equally annoyed and angry at the sudden turn of events.

  “Okay, people, you need to back off. You can stay on the sidewalk, but the yard of this house is private property,” I heard one of the cops say as I slammed the front door behind me.

  Jake was standing there, his iPad in hand. “Here,” he said, turning it so I could see it.

  And there before me was indeed a picture of Sydney and me kissing, but it wasn’t the one I feared it might be. Once while she’d been visiting, when we’d been out and she’d been wearing the wig and sunglasses, she’d let me kiss her. It was early evening, and no one was around. Or at least we thought no one was around.

  But this wasn’t a picture of that. No, this was a pi
cture that only two people had seen – Sydney and me. It was the one of us kissing in our hotel room. Not a single other person could have possibly been around. I’d taken it, and I hadn’t shown it to anyone, not even Jake. Sydney didn’t even have a copy.

  “Where the fuck did that come from?” I roared at him.

  “No clue, man,” he said, as my fists clenched at my sides. “But it’s not the only one.”

  He proceeded to scroll through four other pictures that were of Syd and me in our hotel room or just of her, including the one of her making the kissing face. They were all from my phone.

  “Did you do this?” I yelled, and he looked taken aback.

  “What the fuck, Ryder?” he yelled back at me. “Hell no! I’ve been keeping your secret for months. Why would I ever do this? I’m your best fucking friend. I wouldn’t invite this shit into your life.” He gestured wildly toward the front door.

  I ran my hands through my hair, sorry I’d gone there. I knew he wouldn’t do something like that, but I was panicking.

  “Fuck! No one knew about these pictures. I took them on the last morning we were together in Cleveland, and my phone hasn’t been out of my sight since then. Fuck!”

  I slammed the flat part of my hand against a nearby closet door before I turned back to Jake whose face had suddenly turned white.

  “What?” I demanded.

  “They’re from your phone?”

  “Yeah, they are,” I said, shaking my head in frustration.

  He shook his head. “Shit, man. I’m sorry.”

  “What do you mean ‘you’re sorry’,” I asked, getting up in his face. “What did you do?”

  He put a hand up against my chest to hold me back from coming any closer. “I didn’t do anything,” he said firmly. “But I know who did.”

  “Who?” I demanded, ready to kill the fucker who’d publicized something so personal to me. And it was on the fucking cover of Celebrity Weekly. What the fuck?! Was it Trey? Was it Alec? Had Jake told them about Sydney and me?

  “It was Kirsten,” he said, and I must have looked utterly stunned because he continued talking. “The night we were at The Swamp, you went to take a piss. Kyla decided to start in with me about how much she wanted me back, and we kind of got into a discussion. When she got upset and decided to leave, she looked over at Kirsten to tell her she wanted to go. Kirsten had your phone in her hand.”