Time and Space

by Rachel Robinson

  I put two hands on each side of his face. Honesty. This is it. This cut will be the deepest. I take one huge breath and another just for good measure. “I’ve never stopped loving him. How could you think I would be able to stop? That’s not fair. This whole situation isn’t fair! I can’t reconcile my future when my past morphs into the present. Dax, he was my future,” I explain quietly, my eyes imploring him to understand. How can he, though? Cody isn’t supposed to be here. I said yes to Dax. A knife blade twists inside my stomach. I said yes. I didn’t wait long enough. It’s my fault. I should have waited longer. I owed Cody that.

  Dax looks away, pulling out of my grasp. “What now then? What do you want now? Let’s heap a little more unfairness onto this situation. Where do we go now?” His eyes rove over my body. He thinks he may never see me again. I lay my hand on his forearm. Dax’s eyes dart down to my touch as he gently pulls away.

  Defeated, I say, “I don’t know.” It’s honest, at least. “There’s no manual on how to proceed when the dead love of my life comes back to life to meet the new love of my life.”

  He arches a brow. I see the wheels spinning. “So, it’s a fair playing field?” No.

  “You know I love you.” Not a lie. A tortured expression passes over Dax’s face. He sits back in a more comfortable position. I scoot closer to him, feeling every bit of pain that there is no way I can fix. I put it there. After everything he’s done for me, I’m causing him pain.

  Quickly he takes my hands in his. “I can’t believe I’m going to say this.” He looks up at the ceiling and then his blue eyes meet mine again. He’s tortured and a jolt of unfamiliar uneasiness hits me. I actually have no idea what he’s going to say next. “Figure it out. However you need to do it. I’ll wait. It’s an even split. Fifty-fifty. What kind of person would I be otherwise? I won’t give you ultimatums, Lainey. I can’t live without you. Be with him if you want to, but pick me in the end,” Dax professes. His eyes shine; his bottom lip trembles the tiniest of fragments and I think that’s it. I can’t hurt his man any more than I already have. I have to live my life like Cody is still dead. That’s what a good woman would do. Me? I’m plain awful—a miserable combination of selfish and mean, nasty bitch.

  “You’re serious? You would let me…” I can’t even say it. Sex. Fuck. Bang. Bump uglies.

  Full lips in a firm line, he asks, “Fuck him? That’s what you want. First you want to see him and then befriend him. Fucking him is the next logical step. An easy step as you’ve probably already fucked him a thousand times before.” My hands are trembling as his words pierce my heart. Dax knew from the beginning that this is how it would go down and yet he accepted my decision to see Cody without question.

  I drop his hands. “Dax, please! I don’t want to hurt you. How can you even consider this? More importantly, what does that say about me?”

  He shakes his head and looks past me. “The hurting has already commenced. This is just an easy way for you to figure out what you want. I’ll be as graceful as my patience and God will allow me to be, but I can’t make any promises. Do what you need to do and I’ll be here for you.” Roughly, Dax grabs my shoulders and pulls me to him. Without stopping to let me respond, he kisses me—his hands in my hair and his heart pounding against my chest. He’s here for me. He’s always been here for me. His tongue tastes sweet and his face smells like his soap and I’m immediately turned on. It doesn’t take long for my mind to fix things, though. My eyes flutter closed and Dax’s hands turn into Cody’s and the smell of soap is Cody’s cologne, and the way Dax kisses isn’t the way Cody kisses. Dax doesn’t bite my lip or tilt my head just so.

  I pull away, breathless. “I’m messed up. I’m so messed up over this.”

  He doesn’t make any moves to continue the kiss. He merely says, “I know.”

  “I love you, Dax. I’m so sorry.”

  “Why does that sound more like goodbye? I’ve taken every ounce of my testosterone and manhood and placed it into your hands. Don’t make this more difficult. I love you, too. You need to get your head on straight and unfortunately I think there’s only one way to do it. Spend time with him; whatever that means to you.” With that, he stands up and heads to the closet and begins riffling around and tossing things onto the bed. After years of being around Dax, I know exactly how upset he is right now just by the manner in which he tosses a T-shirt.

  Why can’t I tell him to stop? That I want him to stay? That it’s him? Why can’t I tell him that he’s my everything?

  Because he’s not. Not anymore. “I don’t deserve you,” I say, wiping tears from my face. “Please don’t hate me. You mean so much to me.”

  “If I could ever hate you I wouldn’t be standing here right now, handing you my balls on a silver platter. I can’t talk about this anymore. I’m going to stay with Griff. You know the number. Call me when you need me.” Need, not want.

  Panic wells in my chest. “What about the wedding…all the planning.” I’ll have to tell my mother. Dread doesn’t begin to describe the prospect of that conversation.

  He shrugs. “Do nothing or cancel everything. It’s up to you. People will understand. This is probably the only circumstance that could possibly happen in which no one can judge your decisions, Lainey,” he says matter-of-factly. Dax packs his leather duffel bag and leaves the house, his hair still wet. Standing in my foyer with a T-shirt on and bare feet, I feel like a dirty whore mated with a stubborn teenager instead of an engaged woman watching her fiancé drive away.

  My heart hurts. My stomach is in knots, but that doesn’t stop me from dialing Cody’s number before Dax’s taillights even disappear.

  This will surely be the most uncomfortable phone call I’ll ever have. His cell rings once and then again. Padding over to the kitchen, I look out at the neighbors’ empty house. It used to belong to my friend Morganna, a real bitch of an attorney. After she moved to the country for her own happily ever after, it sits empty. No one can afford the mansion in this current market. I draw the shades that peer into her living room.

  It rings a fourth time. “You,” Cody answers the phone call, his voice traveling from my ear all the way down to my core. He has an immediate effect on my body and mind.

  I smile through the sadness. “You,” I say back.

  “A little late for phone calls, isn’t it?”

  “You’re awake deciphering code or working on something ingenious, I’m sure. I’ll let you go if you want.”

  Cody clears his throat. “Of course you’re right, and no, you won’t let me go.” I take a deep breath. This is why I’m in this situation.

  “I’m fucked up over you, Cody. An utter mess. Dax just left me, but not before issuing the world’s most noble and insane proposition.” Sitting down at the dining table, I put my head down on my arm and click on the speaker phone.

  “I’m listening,” Cody replies. How do I tell him? “And don’t be a mess. You’re just getting used to the new normal. You’ll straighten it out eventually. You always do.”

  I scoff. “He wants to share me with you.”

  His reply is swift. “What?”

  Might as well spill it all Lainey verbal diarrhea style. “I told him I can’t just get over you now that you’re in my life. I told him that unfortunately for him I never stopped loving you. I love Dax, Cody, but I loved you first. I still love you. He told me to figure out what I wanted. I guess the better way to put it is that he said to figure out whom I wanted. Dax will wait for me while I figure it out. He said I could be with you.”

  Cody’s breath is heavy on the other side of the line. He must be enraged at this proposition. An alpha male to the core, how could he possibly think this is acceptable? “You’re serious,” he says, voice low, scary.

  “I know it sounds completely insane. There’s no way I can consider it.”

  He groans. It’s a defeated noise. “You want to, though, don’t you? It would be the weird Lainey thing to want.”

  Cody knows me too w
ell. “I want you,” I deadpan.

  “But you want him, too. Maybe we should have a three-way and you can pick your victor. To the winner will go the spoils!” I can’t tell if he’s joking. It doesn’t matter either way.

  “I can’t imagine a life without you now that you’re back in it. Dax and I have a history. A history you’re not a part of. Of course I want that part. See? Mess. ”

  Cody blows out a breath. “Yes. I accept. Only because it gets me what I want.”

  Silenced by his reply, I wait for him to say something else.

  “He’s a brave man.”

  “What? Why do you say that?” I ask.

  “He’s freely giving what he should treasure most. One can only assume that he thinks he has the upper hand. Which isn’t the case, is it?” Smug. Smug. Smug. He’s right.

  “Hypothetically, if we do this, and I’m not sure if I’m capable of it, I don’t want to rub it in his face. I’ve already hurt him more than is reasonable.” His wounded expression flashes in my mind. I knock my forehead against the table to rid my memory of it. Horrible.

  Cody laughs. “What type of man do you think I am? I respect Dax as a brother, but as a man, he’s being foolish. You haven’t hurt him, Fast Lane. You’ve scared him. You threw him a curve ball he wasn’t ready for. That’s life. Sometimes shit things happen and you learn to deal with them or you move on. I suppose this is his way of dealing with it because he doesn’t want to move on. I can’t blame him. Look at you.” I look down at my ratty T-shirt and think of the wet mascara running down my face.

  “We can go as fast or as slow as you want. Tell me what you want.” Tingles rise on the back of my neck. Two sentences and I’m wet, ready and willing for everything he has to offer. Cody didn’t even mean that in a sexual manner. I’m so fucked. Literally and figuratively.

  “Where are you?” I ask.

  “I’m in V.B. this week, but I have a job next weekend, and then I’ll be in California the week after that. Breakfast tomorrow at my house? You know where my new place is?”

  “Yes,” I reply. I hear static on the other end of the phone.

  Cody groans. “I’ve gotta go. Other line. But, Lainey?” My heart kicked it into fast mode the second I said yes—half out of guilt and the other half with anticipation. Now it pounds at a more frantic pace.

  “Yeah?”

  “In my mind you’re already mine. This isn’t something I’ll take lightly. I want everything that was once mine. I want everything he stole from me. I won’t stop until I get it.” He clicks off the line without saying goodbye. He stole from me. I shiver.

  Well, doesn’t that sound ominous with a side of possessive? I want him even more for it. He’s probably shirtless right now, in front of his desk. Maybe he has his earphones half on and half off, maybe leaning back in his chair looking like a computer sex god. They do exist, you know?

  Pulling the phone back in front of me, I tap my favorites and my finger hovers over Dax’s name. It even has a little heart emoticon next to it. I’ve tapped that button a million times, excited to hear his voice, but right now moving my finger an inch to call him might as well be a thousand miles. I turn off my phone instead. When I know what the hell I’m doing I’ll call Dax. You already know what you’re doing, I say to myself.

  I plug my phone in to charge in the kitchen so I’m not tempted to use it and head back to my bedroom. The pillows smell like Dax’s soap. My shower is still wet from his shower, and you know what else is there? Probably the sand from this morning’s beach date.

  Now is the time to dwell with my quite unusual life choices and feel badly for destroying one man’s life.

  It’s just not the man you think.

  Chapter Seven

  Lainey

  I tossed and turned in my bed for seven hours. Seven. During that time I compiled a list of pros and cons to Dax’s proposition. After a while all the points I came up with could be lumped into the same category, not one or the other. A text from Cody sits on my cell phone. It says one word. Ten.

  It’s six o-clock in the morning and I decide to wake up my friend Chloe because she is the least judgmental friend I have to my name and because she’s permanently single and will have a completely different perspective. She yells at me for a few seconds, unintelligible, sleepy slurs, but I interrupt her with my very real, very terrible predicament spilling into around seven sentences, and that shuts her up real quick.

  “How can this be real life? Who are you? I think you have the wrong number,” Chloe growls, her rough voice punctuated by sleep. She has the type of tenor that most porn stars have. I can’t copy it even if I try. “I’ll be over in ten¸” she says, ending the call before I can tell her I have somewhere to be at ten. I disarm my security system so she can enter without fuss.

  Talking to myself while I make a pot of coffee helps me feel better. Chloe rings the doorbell and I yell for her to come in. She’s wearing pajamas and her hair in a top knot so high it’s waving to God.

  As she approaches me in the kitchen, she says, “You’re going to need something a lot stronger than coffee.”

  I breathe out a deep breath. “I know. Hell, do I know. What am I doing?”

  Chloe slings her bag onto a barstool next to her and sits down. She nods to the coffee pot and I pour her a cup and fix it how she likes it. “How much of a whore do you want to be?” she asks after I hand her the mug. “On a scale from prostitute to slutty, cheating bitch, where are you at? I need to get a feel of what I’m dealing with right now,” she rasps, eyeing me over the rim of her cup. Her eyebrows are perfect.

  I shrug. “I’m not even on the scale. I don’t think I can go through with it. Spend time with Cody, sure. That’s it, though. Dax has been so good to me. After all this time, he just loves me. He’s there for me. I’m surprised he even brought this up to begin with. I’m not sure why.” Why did he offer this option to me? Surely it can’t be solely for my happiness. Am I missing something? Selfless, sure, but like Cody said…it’s foolish.

  Chloe digs through her purse and pulls out her oversized cell phone. “Do you love him?” Her finger scrolls wildly across the screen.

  I close my eyes. “Yes,” I reply. “What type of question is that?”

  She stops scrolling and points her laser gaze at me. “Who were you thinking of when you answered that question?”

  Him. I was thinking of him. I shake my head. “What would you do?” I counter.

  Chloe smiles. “I’d do exactly what you want to do. When the cat’s away the mouse will play.” This is why I called her. I knew she would give me the answer I wanted to hear. She looks behind her, trailing her gaze over the expanse of my huge house. It’s the product of a lot of hard work and a very small social life. I worked hard, earning every client the old-fashioned way: doing a good job and relying on word of mouth. I’ve lived here alone for many years, so being here by myself doesn’t bother me that much. The reason why Dax is gone bothers me the most. “This house sure is big and lonely when Dax isn’t here, isn’t it?” she asks.

  Her eyes grow big and round. “The wedding,” she exclaims at the realization that I’m planning a big ole’ party of a wedding. Two hundred people are invited and guests have already started buying off the wedding registry. It makes me cringe. As one of my bridesmaids, it makes her cringe as well.

  “I know, I know. Don’t worry. It’s going to be fine,” I say, rising from my seat. I’m too restless to stay in one place for long. “Everything is still on. Dax didn’t break up with me, Chloe. He just…wants me to be sure.” I think that’s what he wants. “The wedding is still on.” Saying it out loud comforts me. I’ve been planning for months. The save the dates have gone out. All of the fine details are tuned and my grandma, God bless her soul, even booked a plane ticket. How can I be so sure of something and have that surety turned on its head in a matter of days?

  Chloe follows me into my bedroom as I tear open my closet and begin my search for something to wear. The sme
ll of Dax lingers in here. His clothes all hung color coordinated with shirts on the top and pants and jeans on the bottom. My side of the closet is a fucking rainbow of shirts next to skirts next to jeans and multiple items draped on one hanger. “It maximizes space,” I say to Chloe when she sees the disaster.

  Shaking her head, she leaves me to my pit and walks to look out of the enormous bay window that overlooks the water. Boats come and go all day, but right now the water is still, peaceful. The opposite of how I feel inside. The water makes me feel safe…like I’m on a tiny island that no one can reach unless I decide to allow them. The reality is that one hurricane could wipe out my entire existence in this house. I’ll never be truly safe. Chloe prattles on, saying things meant to comfort me or help me make a decision, but she knows I have to follow through with my friendship with Cody and whatever she thinks that means. Merely thinking of the man makes me weak in the knees. I’ve missed everything about him. I’ve missed looking at him and hearing his voice, feeling him beside me, on top of me…inside me. There’s no denying what I want to do. Now it’s just a matter of feelings. Cody’s and Dax’s.

  Chloe interrupts my thoughts by saying, “I need to ask you one thing.”

  I nod.

  “You knew he was alive for a long time and you didn’t want to see him. Why?”

  I tell her as much as I can. “Because it hurt too much and it was too confusing and odd. Until you stare down a ghost from a former life, you can’t expect to understand. I visited his gravesite regularly, Chloe. Remember the video? I watched him die. He was gone. It took some getting used to before I could come to terms with it. Seeing him again messed me up just like I thought it would—even worse, actually. Look at the decision I have to make.”

  She asks a few more questions to which I give pointed answers and she helps me pick out an outfit. Her initial question is still fresh in my mind, as is the legitimate answer.

  My proximity only puts him in danger. Followed up by another fact: I cannot stay away any longer.