by Cassia Leo
She bit her lip. “People die. It sucks, but it happens.”
He rolled over on his side, facing her. “Right. Everybody dies. I’m going to die. You’re going to die. My parents are. Isabella. Everyone.”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“No, really. It’s like guaranteed or whatever.”
She wasn’t sure what to say.
“Do you believe in Heaven?” said Eli. “The pastor at the funeral was going on and on about how we should all get saved, or else we’d go to hell. Do you believe that stuff?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “Do you?”
“Heaven, I could believe in. Maybe not with the angels and the choirs and the big, fluffy clouds. But a place where you go and you’re happy all the time or something? Yeah, I guess I could believe in that. I just can’t believe in hell, though. Like, why would a god who loves everyone make a place that’s all just torment or something?”
Cathy let out a bitter laugh. “You know, I’m not sure if God actually loves us. I think maybe he makes us suffer for his own amusement.”
He sat up. “Seriously?”
“When I think about Heaven, I think about being free. And I think that if I was trapped in some place where people were happy all the time, it would drive me crazy. If all they did was smile and be nice to each other and walk by pearly gates and things, I’d start throwing tantrums. I’d tell whoever was in charge that I wanted to be set out, back to earth. And then… I’d like to be the wind. I’d go wherever I wanted. Blow through things, blow around things. Have no shape. Just fly, free and bodiless, over the entire world. That’s my idea of Heaven.”
“Whoa.” Eli was quiet, gazing at her with something like adoration.
She hid her face, embarrassed.
“That’s really beautiful,” he said. “That’s how I think of you, too. You’re too wild to be contained, Cathy. Like the wind.”
“Whatever. I was only saying stuff.”
“I’m glad you did.” He crooked his finger at her. “Come here for a second.”
She chewed on her lip. Hesitated. But then she went across the room to him.
He pulled her down on the couch. He kissed her.
She closed her eyes. She bet the wind never felt guilty, even if it ripped the limbs of trees or the siding off of houses. If she was the wind, kissing Eli wouldn’t make her feel this way.
*
Cathy watched as Matt staggered into the kitchen. He’d been drunk for weeks now. It seemed like he was always drunk. He never left the house except for to get more alcohol, and he wasn’t in a good mood most of the time.
“Where’s Gage?” Matt asked her. She caught a whiff of his rank breath.
“You don’t need to see the baby right now, Matt,” said Cathy.
Matt opened the refrigerator door. He took out a beer.
“Hey, maybe you should lay off for a little bit, huh?” she said. “I could make you some coffee?”
“You want one?” Matt held out the can to her. “You can have a beer if you want, Cathy.”
“That’s okay.” She chewed on her lip. “Um, Matt, I know that you’re upset about what happened to Fran, but it can’t be good for you to—”
“Where’s Gage? I can’t find that boy.” He turned to Cathy. “You’re hiding him from me, aren’t you?”
“No,” said Cathy.
Matt’s expression hardened. He glared at her, but his eyes didn’t focus properly. “You’re poisoning him against me. Half the time when I pick him up, he starts crying, like he hates me. And he’s all I got left of Fran.”
“He’s a baby. He cries sometimes.”
“Why are you doing that, Cathy? Why you making him hate me?”
“I’m not,” she said.
Matt pulled a steak knife out of the dish drainer by the sink. He brandished it. “How would you like it if I stuffed this blade down your throat?”
Cathy left the room. Her brother was starting to get scary. She stopped in the den and picked up Gage, who was in his playpen. She’d take the baby upstairs and lock both of them inside her bedroom.
But Matt was waiting for her in the hallway. He pulled Gage out of Cathy’s arms.
Gage started to scream.
“Stop that,” said Matt. “Stop screaming at me. I’m all you got now. You better learn to smile when you see me.”
“You scared him,” said Cathy. “He can’t help it.”
“You going to cry?” said Matt. “I’ll give you something to cry about, Gage.” He started up the stairs, still holding the little boy.
“Stop!” yelled Cathy. “What are you doing?”
Matt halted at the top of the steps, dangling Gage over the railing of the balcony. “See, little guy, this is something cry about.”
“Matt, stop it!” Cathy started up the steps.
And the door opened. Heath walked in, still dirty and sweaty from the fields.
Matt was startled, and he lost his grip on the little boy. Gage went into a free fall.
Cathy shrieked.
Heath moved forward, quick as a cat. He snatched the boy out of the air.
Gage gave a great heaving sigh, hiccupped, and smiled at Heath.
“You!” roared Matt. “It’s your fault I dropped him. I told you that I didn’t want you in the house.”
“If he hadn’t been here, Gage would be dead.” Cathy ran over to where Heath held Gage, checking the baby to make sure he was okay. In a lower voice, to Heath, “What are you doing here?”
“Looking for you,” Heath whispered back.
“I’m going to kill you all,” Matt said, leaning over the railing. “All of you. I’ll kill you myself.”
Heath inclined his head toward the door. “Come on, let’s get out of here. He’s drunk, and he doesn’t know what’s going on.”
“We have to take Gage.”
“Of course,” said Heath.
*
The truck bumped its way over the dirt road that wound through the fields. Alice in Chains was playing over the speakers. Cathy turned it up, resting her head against the window. Gage was in her lap. He seemed to like the music. She watched the scenery through the window. The farm looked the same as it always did. As it always would. Now, more than ever, she just wanted to get away.
Heath turned down the music.
“Hey,” she said. “I like that song.”
“I didn’t bring you out here with me so that we could listen to music.”
“Why not? That’s what we usually do,” she said. That and have sex. She was glad he wasn’t living in the barn anymore, because otherwise, she guessed they’d be doing it there. The tenant house was better.
“I haven’t seen you in days, Cathy.”
“I’ve been busy,” she said. “Everything’s crazy. Matt’s losing his mind now that Fran’s gone.”
Heath smirked. “Yeah, I could see that.”
“Heath!” She furrowed her brow. “He’s really hurting.”
“Good.”
“You can’t mean that.”
“Why wouldn’t I mean that?” Heath tightened his grip on the steering wheel. “He deserves it.”
“He’s my brother.”
Heath didn’t say anything.
She sighed. “You could pretend not to hate him, you know. For me.”
“Does he pretend not to hate me?”
She reached over to turn the music back up. This was turning into a conversation she didn’t want to have. It reminded her of the way Heath had reacted to her father’s death. Sometimes, she wondered how he could be so hard and unfeeling. He didn’t care about anyone except her.
Heath stopped her. “Hey, look, that’s not what I wanted to talk about either.”
Cathy pulled her hand back. “Fine. Then talk about what you want to.”
“I…” He let out a frustrated breath. “I wanted to see you. I missed you. That’s all.”
She felt guilty all of the sudden. “Oh.” She turned to look at hi
m. “I missed you too.”
Heath pulled the truck over to the side of the road, but left it on so that the music was still playing.
She clutched Gage closer and scooted across the seat.
Heath gathered her into his arms.
She rested her head against his shoulder.
Heath held her. She held Gage.
“I’m sorry Matt’s so nuts right now,” Heath whispered into her hair.
She shut her eyes. “It’s not your fault.”
“I wish I could make everything perfect for you, Cathy. I’d do anything for you.”
She smiled. “And I’d do anything for you.”
His lips found her neck, just below her earlobe.
She gasped.
It was perfect, then. Right at that moment, she was secure in Heath’s arms, the stubble on his chin tickling her neck, his solid, firm chest cradling her. Stalks of corn surrounded them, and the breeze went through them, riffling them like strands of a little girl’s hair. Everything was peaceful and tranquil. She was safe. Happy.
She turned her head, letting her lips meet his.
Their kiss plunged her into dense pleasure, a world that belonged only to her and Heath. She couldn’t imagine being parted from him. Ever.
*
Matt riffled through his cash. “I’ll raise.” He slapped several bills down on the floor of the living room.
Heath considered his cards. “Too rich for my blood.” He put them down. “Fold.”
Matt sneered at him. “Gypsy coward.”
Heath shrugged. Matt was down here with them drinking every few nights or so since Fran’s funeral. According to Cathy, when he wasn’t with the guys, he was drinking at the house. Drinking didn’t improve his personality, Heath found.
Saul handed Matt a bottle of Jim Beam. “Boy’s not a coward. He’s got balls of steel that one.”
Matt took the bottle and took a drink. Grimacing, he set it down with a clunk. “I don’t even know if he even has any balls.”
One of the other workers laughed. “Why you got it in for Heath so bad, anyway, Boss? Is it just because he’d always banging your sister down here?”
Heath turned to him. “Shut up, man.”
“What?” said Matt.
“Oh yeah,” said the worker. “She’s a squealer, that Cathy.”
Heath rested his forehead against his knuckles. “Great. Just great.”
Matt shoved him. “You’re screwing my sister?”
“We prefer ‘making love,’” said Heath.
Saul snorted. The other workers laughed too.
“Balls of steel,” said Saul. “But you’re a stupid son of a bitch.”
Matt scrambled to his feet. He gathered up his stack of cash and waved it at the workers. “Hold him down. You hold him down, I pay you.”
Heath got up, both hands up in surrender. “Hold on, Matt. You’re drunk, you’re mad, but I don’t want to get into it with you.”
Matt unbuckled his belt. “Hold him down.”
Abruptly, there were strong arms on Heath. He tried to fight them off, but there were three of them and only one of him.
They slammed him into the wall face first, and held him fast.
He managed to turn his head, coming face to face with Saul. “You?”
“Money talks, boy,” said Saul.
Matt’s face, at his ear. So close he could smell the liquor on his breath. “You should never have touched her.”
“Fuck you, Matt,” said Heath. “You want to fight, then fight me. Don’t pay people to hold me down. You call me a coward?”
The belt bit into Heath’s skin.
Heath flinched, gritting his teeth.
“Gypsy bastard,” panted Matt.
The belt came down again. And again.
I’ll kill him, Heath thought. If I have to wait forever, I’ll get him back for this. For every fucked-up thing he’s ever done to me.
And there were a lot of things. A whole, long list.
*
Cathy shut her eyes, trying to pretend it wasn’t Eli touching her, but Heath instead.
They were in the backseat of his car, and his hand was down the front of her pants. His fingers were clumsy, and he was pushing too hard. She tried to writhe away from him, missing Heath’s gentle caresses.
But Eli misunderstood her movement. “You like that?” he whispered.
“Uh huh,” she lied.
He sighed into her temple. “You make me crazy, you know that?”
Goddamn it. It was getting harder and harder to put him off. Every time they made out, he pushed for more. She knew what he wanted, and she wanted to avoid going all the way with him if she could.
She put her hand on his chest and gently pushed him back into the seat. She reached for his zipper.
He gasped.
She freed him from his pants, and he was rigid in her hands. She rubbed him.
He moaned.
And then she bent down and took him in her mouth. It always shut him up, pacified him. And it was as far as she wanted to take things.
She bobbed up and down on Eli’s shaft, listening to his heavy breathing.
Let him do it fast this time, she thought.
But it wasn’t fast. It went on interminably, and she got a crick in her neck, and her jaw got sore.
Not to mention how boring it was. Moving her mouth up and down on him over and over again was monotonous. She didn’t hate it, not exactly, and it was more fun with Heath, for some reason, maybe because it didn’t take him so goddamned long to come.
Of course, they didn’t get to the coming part all that often when she did it to Heath, because he’d always stop her and put on a condom, whispering in her ear that he wanted to be inside her, which always made her insides go to jelly.
Finally, Eli spasmed in her mouth and pumped his come down her throat.
She swallowed it and sat back up, wiping her mouth.
Eli’s eyes were half-lidded in pleasure. “Fuck, Cathy.”
She did her best not to roll her eyes. She settled for a sexy-sounding, “Mmm…” instead.
“You’re too good to me,” he said. He kissed her.
At least he wasn’t a horrible kisser. If the kissing was as terrible as the way he tried to feel her up, she didn’t know if she’d be able to put up with him at all.
Anyway, she wouldn’t have to do any of it much longer.
“You should probably take me home,” she said. “I have homework to work on and stuff.”
“But you’re…” He touched her face. “You always go down on me, and you’re sweet about it, but I never do anything for you. And I want to. I want to make you feel good.”
She patted his cheek. “You do make me feel good.”
“I want to make you come.”
As far as Cathy could tell, her body could not have an orgasm in front of an audience. She couldn’t do it with Heath either, although she could rub herself under the covers at night when she was alone and be having an orgasm in five minutes flat. For some reason, when someone else did it, she felt too self-conscious, and she couldn’t get into it properly. It wasn’t the same.
“You will,” she said. “It’s harder for girls.” She smiled at him. “Come on, I really need to get started on my French.”
He rearranged his clothes. “You’re too perfect, you know that? I don’t deserve you.”
She blanched, looking away. Why did he have to say things like that? She was the one who didn’t deserve him. Hell, when it came down to it, she probably didn’t deserve either of them.
He kissed her forehead and crawled into the front seat of the car.
She followed him.
He drove her back to the farmhouse, pulled up right in front of the door.
She reached for the door handle.
He caressed her neck and turned her to him. His lips found hers, and he kissed her thoroughly. She touched his face, guilt thrumming through her like it always did.
But whe
n he let go of her, she asked anyway. “Look, I don’t mean to be a big pest, but I was wondering if—”
He held up a hand and cut her off. “I was going insist you took this, anyway.” He took out his wallet and pressed money into her hand.
She looked down at it, the crisp green bills in her palm. They were worth all this, weren’t they?
“Thanks, Eli,” she said. “I’m sorry I’m such a mooch.”
“Are you kidding? I’ve got plenty of money. It doesn’t mean anything to me.” He kissed her again. “I just want you to be comfortable.”
She got out of the car smiling. She tucked the bills into her pocket and skipped up the steps. It was almost over. She wouldn’t have to do it for much longer.
She opened the door to the farmhouse.
Strong hands grasped her shoulders and propelled her into the wall.
It was Heath. He wasn’t wearing a shirt. His dark curls were hanging in his eyes. His black, black eyes. They looked wounded and lost, but the rest of his face was a mask of rage.
“What are you doing in the house?” she said. “Why aren’t you working in the fields?”
“I’m not working because Matt took a belt to me last night while everyone else held me down,” he said. “And I’m up here, because I saw Matt leave, and I was getting some salve for my back.”
She looked at him. She could see red welts hugging his torso, raised and swollen. “Oh, god, Heath, what did he do to you?”
“No,” said Heath. “Don’t try and pretend like you care about me. I saw you kiss Eli, Cathy. I saw it with my own fucking eyes.”
“I… I can explain.”
He shook her. “Explain? You going to tell me it’s another school project, Cathy? That what you’re going to say? You think I’m really stupid, don’t you?”
“It’s not what you think.”
“How could it not be? You were kissing him.” He shook her again, harder this time, and her head jerked back and forth painfully.
A jolt of fear ran through her. “Just… let go of me. Let’s go upstairs. I’ll explain all of it, I swear.”
He clenched his teeth together.
“Let go of me, Heath. You’re hurting me.”
