by Cassia Leo
He let her go. He stalked away from her, dragging his hand over his face.
She could see his back now. It was crisscrossed in welts. Some were broken open and weeping. She let out a little noise, covering her mouth with her hand. “Your back. Baby, your back—”
“Don’t call me that.” He snatched her by the wrist. “Let’s go upstairs. You said you could explain. I can’t wait to hear this.”
He dragged her to the steps. She almost lost her balance. His fingers dug into her wrist painfully. She was afraid.
But they got to her room. And she opened up her dresser drawer, and she took out the roll of bills that she’d been saving. Every dollar that she’d manipulated Eli into giving her was here. She’d been saving them all up.
Heath looked at the money. “Where did you get that?”
“From Eli,” she said. “I want to get out of here, Heath. I want to get you out, away from Matt. So he can’t do things like that to you anymore.” The sight of Heath’s back made her want to cry. “And it’s easier to get Eli to give me money if I’m kissing him.”
Heath stepped back, disgust all over his face. “No.”
She nodded. “I knew you wouldn’t like it, but I didn’t know what else to do. And if you don’t want me to do it anymore, I’ll stop. I almost have enough money anyway.”
He shook his head. “No, Cathy, no.”
She went to him. Wrapped her arms around his neck. “It was for us. You have to understand that. So that we could get away.”
He pushed her away. His face was twisting. “You smell like him,” he choked.
She bit her lip. “I didn’t want you to know.”
“You kiss him for money?” said Heath. “You do other things too?”
“I… not really.”
“You fuck him?”
“No,” she said. “I swear to god, no. Never.”
Heath laughed, a wild, maniacal sound. “You know what that makes you? Whether you’re fucking him or not?”
She cringed from him.
“It makes you a whore.”
She recoiled. The word was like a slap. “Heath—”
He took the money out of her hands. He threw it aside, and green bills fluttered everywhere.
She started to cry.
“Oh, and you’re crying.” His voice was sarcastic. He bit down on his fist.
She sat down on her bed. Sobs bubbled up in her, and she couldn’t stop them.
That was all there was for several moments. The sound of sobbing. Heath wouldn’t look at her.
Then he massaged the bridge of his nose. He came to her and knelt down. His voice was gentle. “Cathy, if you want money, I can get you money.”
“No, you can’t,” she said. “You don’t have anything, Heath. Nothing.”
His jaw twitched. He looked at the ceiling.
“I want to be with you, but I can’t. Not like this. Maybe if Matt hadn’t brought you so low. Maybe then you could have graduated from high school, and you could have done something with yourself, but now?” She shook her head. “What do you think it would be like, Heath? I’d marry you? Where would we live? The barn?”
He stood up. He ran a hand through his hair, turning away from her.
“I can’t be with some guy who never washes his hands and hangs out drinking beer and playing poker. You… you embarrass me.”
He whipped back around to look at her. His eyes shone wetly. “Embarrass you?”
She looked away.
He laughed in disbelief. In pain.
And then he swept out of the room.
She went after him. “Heath, wait.”
He went down the stairs. He didn’t look at her.
“Heath,” she said again.
He stopped at the bottom of the steps. He looked up at her. His voice was soft, barely more than a whisper. “You bitch.”
And then he was gone, out the front door, and the house was quiet.
She sat down on the top step.
She’d screwed everything up.
She sat there, staring after him, too stunned now to even cry. She felt broken.
A thin wail cut through the air.
Gage.
She got up numbly and wandered to the baby’s room. He was squirming in his crib, his face screwed up and red from his crying. She picked him up, held him close.
He cried even louder.
“Poor little guy,” she said. “You’re all alone, aren’t you?”
She changed his diaper and gave him a bottle. Eventually, he quieted. It was almost as if all the crying had exhausted him. He peered up at her with his baby blue eyes.
She rubbed his head. “Oh, Gage. I think I ruined everything.”
Gage just sucked on his bottle.
“Heath and me are forever,” she whispered. “I think that whatever souls are made of, his and mine are made of the same stuff. We’re the same.”
Hadn’t she felt it when they made love?
She rocked Gage. “He’ll come back when he’s cooled down. I made him angry. I hurt him. But we can’t be away from each other. We can’t be apart. He’ll see that. He’ll forgive me. He has to.”
*
But Heath didn’t come back. The hours ticked by, and the sun sank in the horizon, and the stars poked out of the dark sky. The night air was frigid, the first breath of winter. He was all Cathy could think about. Heath.
She got her jacket and went down to the tenant house.
Saul was standing on the porch, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders. He was smoking. “You looking for Heath?”
She nodded. “Is he okay?”
“Wouldn’t know,” said Saul. “Haven’t seen him. He wasn’t here when we got back from the fields today, but your brother sure gave him a beating last night. Maybe you should steer clear of that boy. For his own good.”
“He’s not here?” That didn’t make any sense.
“Nope,” said Saul.
Cathy turned and ran, without saying goodbye to Saul. She went to the garage, where the vehicles were. But Heath’s truck was still there.
Was he on foot then?
She felt frantic, thinking of him wandering alone along the highway. Could he even stand to wear a shirt over those welts on his back? Was he freezing to death?
How long had he been walking?
She wrapped her coat tight around her body and dashed down the driveway. He had a huge head start on her. What if she didn’t find him?
She ran as fast as she could, sprinting along the road.
When she got a stitch in her side, she kept running.
When she was gasping for breath, she kept running.
And when the icy air made her hands and nose go numb, she kept running.
She kept running until she dropped.
*
“It’s for you, Cathy.” Matt held the phone out to her, his face stony.
She didn’t respond. She’d been lying on the couch in the living room for what might have been days. She hadn’t eaten, but she’d had a little water at one point.
“It’s that Linton boy,” said Matt. “Again. He’s going to keep calling until you talk to him, you know.”
She stared through Matt. She didn’t want to talk to Eli. Eli had cost her Heath. He was gone, and he hadn’t come back. And it had been days. Weeks, maybe. She didn’t know what to think. She worried Heath was dead.
“If you won’t talk to him for yourself, would you talk to him for me?” said Matt. “I don’t want the family to have any reason not to go through with the sale. Please, Cathy?”
She reached out her hand for the phone. “Hello.” Her voice sounded strange and wooden.
“Cathy, are you okay? You haven’t been at school.”
“I’m sick.”
“Well, let me come over and cheer you up. I’ll bring movies. I’ll make you soup.” Eli’s voice sounded so alive, so golden. He was always sunny and bright, wasn’t he?
“No.”
“Why
not?”
“I don’t need anything.”
He was quiet. “Did I do something? Are you angry with me? Do you want to break up or something?”
And there it was, so easy. All she had to say was yes, and she’d be free of him. She didn’t have any reason to lead him on, after all, if Heath wasn’t around. And her relationship with Eli had all been a sham. She’d only done it for his money. Now that she didn’t need that, she should end it.
“No, I don’t want to break up,” she said, her voice cracking.
“You don’t?”
She shook her head, then realized he couldn’t see her. “No.”
“Good, because I… I really miss you.”
“I guess you could come over if you wanted.” Guilt welled up in her. She really was the worst person in the history of the universe. She was dying inside because Heath was gone, and now she was using Eli as a bright distraction. All she did was use people.
“Yeah? Really?”
“Really.”
“I’ll be there soon.” He sounded so excited, like a puppy dog.
She shut her eyes. How was it that life kept happening even after everything important to her had been demolished?
***
1995
Cathy pumped at the keg and then put the trigger inside her red plastic cup. When she pushed, only a small trickle of amber liquid came out.
“Let me help you with that,” said a guy, coming over to pump the keg.
The stream began to pick up. “Thanks,” she said.
“You’re welcome,” he said. “I’m Trevor.”
“Cathy,” she said.
“You come to these parties often?”
“Oh, god no. I can’t stand fraternity parties. I got dragged here.” She winced. “Oh, you’re probably in this fraternity, aren’t you?”
“Actually, no,” said Trevor. “I’m, um, fraternity free. I got dragged here too.”
Her cup was full so she pulled it away.
Trevor stopped pumping. “I feel like I’ve seen you before, though.”
“Maybe on campus?”
“Maybe. What’s your major?”
“Business,” said Cathy. “You?”
“English Lit,” he said. “I think we’re on separate sides of the campus.”
“Well, who knows, then.” She shrugged.
“Did you come to the candlelight vigil for Kurt Cobain?” he asked.
She laughed. “No, I thought it was kind of hokey. I mean, he was a great musician and all, but I get don’t the idea of commemorating his death a year afterwards. People act like he was a religious leader or something.”
He clutched his chest. “You got me. I’m guilty. I’m actually a reverend of Cobainism. It’s better than Christianity, trust me.”
She laughed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to insult you.”
“No, it’s okay,” said Trevor. “You’re not obsessed with Kurt Cobain. That’s a good thing. Everyone should be a little bit well rounded. Let me guess, you’re a gangsta rap kind of girl.”
“What? Little white bread me?” she said. “I don’t think so.”
“It’s amazing Kurt’s the one dead and not Tupac or Coolio, though, huh? They’re always rapping about shooting each other.”
She laughed again. “You don’t like gangsta rap?”
He shrugged. “I think it’s misogynist. Calling women bitches and hos. I’d never do something like that.”
“Yes, you seem like a perfect gentleman, Trevor.”
“Would you like to find out?”
“Find out?”
“Go out with me,” he said. “On a date.”
“Oh!” She turned away, embarrassed. “That’s so sweet, but—”
“But you’ve got a boyfriend.”
She nodded. “We’ve been together for two years.”
“Two years?” He shook his head. “You kidding me? I totally took you for a freshman.”
“Oh, I am.” She raised her eyebrows. “High school sweethearts.”
“Get out of here.”
“It’s true,” she said.
“That’s never going to last,” said Trevor. “When you dump him, come find me, okay? I’ll help you get over the breakup by making you a Nirvana mix tape.”
She laughed, looking away.
“I’m joking,” said Trevor. “Well, mostly, anyway. It was nice to meet you, Cathy.” He offered her his hand.
She took it. “Nice to meet you too.”
“This sweetheart of yours here tonight?”
“Yeah.” She pointed. “Over there. The blond.”
Trevor cocked his head. “Right. All-American. Looks like he just stepped right out of the 1950s.”
“What?” Cathy arched an eyebrow. “He does not.”
Trevor shoved his hands in his pockets. He fixed her with a mock-serious stare. “So I guess you’re in love with him, huh?”
Cathy peered down into her beer. “Of course.”
*
The door to Cathy’s dorm room swung open. “No sock on the door for once,” said her roommate Nelly. “I swear, you and Eli have more sex than is natural.”
Sticking a sock on the outside doorknob was the way Cathy communicated to Nelly that she and Eli were using the room to have sex. They almost always did it in her room, because Eli’s roommate wasn’t easy to get along with.
Cathy was sprawled out on her bed—the top bunk—with her biology textbook. This was going to be her last science final ever, since she was completing her requirements, and she was glad to kiss the entire subject goodbye. Freshman year had been a lot like high school, continued.
She didn’t even look at Nelly. “You shouldn’t talk, Miss I-Don’t-Remember-His-Name.”
“That was one time. I remember all my other sexual partner’s names.”
A pillow hit Cathy smack in the middle of the back of her head. She laughed and tossed it back to Nelly. “All of them,” she teased.
Nelly threw herself down on the bottom bunk. “I guess you’ve only ever been with Eli.”
“No,” said Cathy. “There was someone else.”
“Oh, two boys,” said Nelly. “Well, well. Haven’t you been a naughty girl?”
Cathy peered over the edge of the bed. “I’m trying to study here. I have a final exam tomorrow. It is finals week, you know.”
“Yes, that’s why I was at a party,” said Nelly. “The thing that normal college students do during finals week.”
Cathy rolled her eyes. “I was at a party earlier. And now I’m studying. So try to keep it down.”
“Excuse me,” said Nelly. “I didn’t realize you were being so collegiate.”
Cathy decided to keep her mouth shut. Maybe if she did, then Nelly would be quiet too.
No such luck. “So, who was this dark horse contender that preceded Eli? He did precede Eli, right? You weren’t banging them at the same time?”
Cathy covered her face with her hands. What Nelly didn’t know… “I don’t want to go into it.”
“Did you lose your virginity to him?”
She sighed. “Yes.”
“Was it awful?”
Cathy laughed. “No, it wasn’t awful. It was… intense.”
Nelly sighed. “Oh, of course it was. Because it’s always intense when you’re in high school. Everything’s intense. Like you can kiss for hours and hours on end, and you think that if he doesn’t call you, the world will end.”
Cathy turned the page in her textbook. “What do you care, anyway? Was your first time awful?”
“Are you joking? Terrible,” said Nelly. “It was with Marty Lansky, and he had braces. And he hunted around for my clitoris for like hours and still never found it. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he was on the wrong continent.”
Cathy laughed. “Eli was kind of dumb about that too. Eventually, I had to speak up. Now, he’s well trained.”
“Eli was? What about the boy who took your maidenhead?”
“My maidenhead,” Cathy snorted. “Like it’s some epic novel from the 1800s.”
“Well? Did he know where your clitoris was?”
“Um…” Cathy smiled. “He was good at listening to my noises, I think. We were really in sync with each other.”
“Really?” Nelly pulled herself off the bottom bunk so that she was standing up. She propped her elbows on Cathy’s bed. “So, what happened to him?”
Cathy shrugged. “He left town. We got in a fight, and he ran off, and…”
“No shit. He left town because of you?”
“I don’t want to talk about this,” said Cathy, feeling uncomfortable. She hadn’t thought about Heath in ages. Trust Nelly to bring him back up now, right when she needed to be concentrating on studying biology.
Nelly put a hand over her mouth. “Oh my god, you’re not over him, are you? You still totally have it bad for that guy.”
“Stop it,” said Cathy, glaring at her. “And I do not. Eli and I are very happy together.”
“What was his name?”
Cathy sighed. “Heath. Heath Galloway.”
“Whoa,” said Nelly. “That’s just so tragic. It is like a novel.”
“It isn’t,” said Cathy. “It’s just… life. Now will you leave me alone? I really need to study.”
“Sure, fine,” said Nelly. “I’m heading to the bathroom anyway.”
She left the room.
Cathy rubbed her forehead. Jesus. All Nelly had to do was bring that crap up, and she suddenly felt it all weighing down on her again, like she was being crushed under an anvil. Damn it.
She tried to concentrate on her textbook, but the words looked like something in a foreign language.
The door opened again. “Hey Cathy, you have any tampons?” asked Nelly.
“Sure,” said Cathy. “Bottom drawer of my dresser.”
“Thanks,” said Nelly. “I hate when it surprises you like that.”
Cathy nodded.
Then she sat up straight on her bed. When was the last time she got her period?
*
Cathy pounded on the door to Eli’s dorm room. “Eli? We need to talk.”
