The Secret About Christmas

by Amanda Bennett

  “Yeah. Wow, you look amazing! How are you?”

  “Thank you, and I’m…”

  “Mom, mom, mom. She came. She’s here, and she brought me a gift.”

  Vanessa bent down to the small little girl that was tugging at her sweater, and I was instantly caught off guard.

  “That’s fantastic honey. Can you do me a favor and go play in the other room for a minute, and Mommy will be right there?”

  “Sure. Hi mister.” Her little hand came up and waved faster than I could follow.

  “Hi, cutie. How are you?”

  “I’m good, no, I’m great. My new best friend Noel brought me a very special gift.” She held up a perfectly wrapped present.

  “That’s awesome. So what is your name?”

  “I’m Lexie-May, but you can call me Lex.”

  I glanced between Vanessa and the small child as my mind began to run at a million miles a minute. “That’s a unique name, Lex. Who are you named after?”

  “Lexie-May, can you please give me and this nice man a few minutes to talk please? I will come get you in just a minute. Now off you go.”

  “Okay Mommy. Nice to meet you mister.”

  “You too, Lex.”

  I watched as the curly haired girl went bounding out of the room, her shiny present in tow. When she disappeared out of sight, I quickly turned in Vanessa’s direction. “Who is Lexie-May’s father, Vanessa?”

  “You know, I have a lot of people here, and I need to make sure everyone is okay.” She turned to walk away, but there was no way I was letting her get away.

  “Vanessa! Who is Lexie’s father? Because right now, all signs are pointing to…”

  “VANESSA! Oh my god, I finally found you. Oh, I see you met Hayden already. He’s a real piece of work.”

  Well apparently Noel came in and found a bottle of whatever she could, and is now wasted. “Noel, maybe you should head home and sober up a bit, huh?”

  “I don’t think you should be telling me what to do, you lying piece of man. Did you really think I wouldn’t find out?”

  How the hell did she know? I mean, I just barely found out, I think. “What are you talking about?”

  “Oh you know, that you’re a Darrington child. You…liar. Why wouldn’t you just tell me? I can keep you a secret.” Her words were now beyond slurred.

  “Noel, I think it’s time we took you home.” I reached for her arm, but she pulled it out of my grasp, and instantly lost her footing, causing her to go tumbling to the ground.

  “Luca, seriously? Help her.”

  “I am, Vanessa. God.” I reached for Noel’s hand to pull her up, but once again she pulled away.

  “You’re name isn’t even Hayden? God, what else have you been lying about?”

  “I don’t go by Luc…Look, now is not the time to talk about this. Let me help you up.”

  Now that we had the full attention of the entire party, I was beginning to feel like a complete and utter ass. This was not what I wanted to happen. I needed to speak to Vanessa more, but I felt obligated to take Noel home and make sure she was okay. Luckily, I wouldn’t be the one choosing.

  “Oh my god, Noel. What happened?” Nora was instantly at Noel’s side, pushing me out of the way long enough to get her into a standing position. “Come on, I’ll get you home.” Nora gave me a death stare as she moved past me with Noel draped over her shoulder. “Don’t worry, I called a cab. And don’t bother trying to follow us home.”

  I stood back in horror of how this party was turning out. This was not at all what I expected to happen tonight, and I was appalled that this was how I was being portrayed to the entire town. If I wasn’t in trouble with my father already, this was sure to put the last nail in the coffin.

  “I think you should leave, Luca, or Hayden, or whatever your name is.”

  “Vanessa, can I speak to you outside for a minute please? Just give me one minute, and then I’ll leave. I promise.” Surprisingly, Vanessa followed me to the front door, and as we both put on our jackets to brave the cold weather, I couldn’t help but stare at her. She looked so different from what I remember. She looked older, prettier, but tired. I guess raising a five year old will do that to you.

  “Okay, we’re outside. What do you need to say?” She was visibly angry with me, and I guess I couldn’t blame her, but I had to make this right.

  I began pacing across the porch in front of her, catching glimpses of Lexie-May through the window as I did so. Finally I stopped in front of the front window, and turned towards Vanessa. “Is she mine?” It was a simple question, and all I wanted was a simple answer from her.

  “Yes.” She muttered under her breath.

  I bowed my head, and took in a deep cleansing breath as I let my eyes flutter shut. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “You were a summer fling, Luca. I was sixteen, and you were, well…older. My parents would’ve killed me.”

  “Who did you say the father was?”

  “I didn’t. I told them…that something bad had happened.” Vanessa was twisting her gloves in her hands, and I wanted to scream and shout at the top of my lungs.

  “So your parents think her father is a rapist? Fantastic! Are you kidding me with this right now?”

  “I’m sorry, Luca. I am, but I didn’t want to get you into trouble, and you were only here in the summertime, so it’s not like you were going to be around to help at all.”

  I took three large strides and ended up face to face with her, anger flowing off of me like lava. “Are you fucking kidding me? I can’t believe this. If you would’ve just told me.”

  “Then what?” She shouted. “What would you have done? Would you have moved here, given up everything your father had planned for you, to come live in a small tiny ass town in the middle of nowhere? Because you and I both know that is exactly the opposite of what would’ve happened.”

  I grabbed her by the shoulders and forced her to look me in the eye, “Did you even try to tell me?”

  “Of course I did, but did you really think that the father of a guy that was in line to take over a multi-billion dollar company was going to let some small town girl take him away from that?” She pushed me away from her, and started heading towards the front door, but I slid between her and the door, and wrapped my shaking arms around her.

  “I’m so sorry, Vanessa. If only I would’ve known. I swear I would’ve been there for you every step of the way.” I could feel the heated tears starting to stream down my frozen skin. “I have a daughter.” I whispered into her hair, as I held onto her for dear life.

  “Yes, yes you do.” She whispered back.

  Her hands gripped onto my back, comforting me as I continued to cry into her shoulder. Never in a million years did I think I would even want children, but now that I was being faced with it, I wanted it. I wanted it more than I wanted to be part of my father’s company, or the drinking, and girls. This was my reason for changing, and damn it if I wasn’t about to start making my daughter proud of me.

  Fifteen

  Noel

  I tried to force open my eyelids, but the sun was burning my retinas like a laser. I could feel the heat trying to burn them right out of my face. I rolled over, trying to pull my comforter with me, but I fell to the hardwood floor with a groan. What the hell? I could tell by my surroundings that I was in my place, but why was I on the couch? Then suddenly everything that happened last night came flooding back like a bad dream.

  “Ugh!” I groaned.

  “I see we are starting to remember what happened last night, huh?”

  The sound of Nora’s voice scared the shit out of me, and I practically jumped out of my own skin. “Holy shit, Nor. Scare people much?” I clutched my head as I spoke. “Aspirin. I need Aspirin.” My head felt like someone was tapping a hammer against it, and I would do anything to get rid of it. “So the events of last night are a bit fuzzy. Care to fill me in?”

  “Well…that depends on how much you remember.”

/>   “Let’s just go with…not much.”

  “Well, you got wasted like the minute we got there. Hayden and myself went looking for some “fun”, but then he got side tracked. That’s when you came up to me and started yelling about how he was a liar…yada, yada, yada. After that, well y’all decided to go at it in the living room. That girl Vanessa was involved and everything. Y’all are a bunch of craziness wrapped up in nutso. I just took you out of there and brought you home.”

  I forced myself into a sitting position against the couch as I tried to take in everything Nora was saying. I remember yelling at Hayden, but for the life of me, I couldn’t remember why Vanessa was involved. “So was the party fun?” I laughed, but instantly regretted it as I clutched my throbbing head in my hands.

  “I had fun, and even met a cute guy. All in all, I would say it was a successful outing.” She laughed.

  “Have you talked to Hayden?” I was afraid to ask, but I still cared about him.

  “Noel, do you like Hayden?”

  I gave Nora a cross look. “Of course I do. He’s like my best guy friend here.”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean more than a friend.”

  I sat there…confused. “Honestly, a few days ago, I would’ve said no.”

  “But..”

  “I think I’ve been trying to cover up my feelings for him by getting involved with Jude. But, he’s the son of the owner, and he lied to me.” I looked up at Nora with tears in my eyes.

  “Maybe you should have him explain it to you before you go passing judgment.”

  I nodded into her hands that were holding my face up. “Okay. But shower first?”

  Nora helped me into my bathroom, and I quickly cleaned myself up. By the time I was ready to go, it was almost noon. Luckily it was my one day off, so I could get rid of this amazingly awful hangover and hopefully fix things with Hayden before it was too late. Nora left to go tend to her mom, so I was on my own. I opened my front door to head out, but practically ran into my own mother in the process.

  “Holy hell, Rachael. Were you even going to knock?” I turned to lock my door, and then headed down the stairs to my car. If she wanted to follow, then she would.

  “You know, Noel, I don’t know why you can’t just call me Mom.”

  I turned quickly to face her, anger radiating through my veins. “Are you serious right now? I don’t call you Mom because you’ve never been a mom. I think you’re mistaking yourself with somebody else. I don’t have a mom.”

  “Noel Joy, don’t you dare speak to me like that.”

  I turned back around and was right in her face. “You, don’t get to tell me what to do. You lost that privilege a long time ago. So how can I help you, Rachael?” I started walking away while she tried to muster up the courage to tell me exactly why she found it necessary to come to my house, uninvited.

  “I’M DYING!” She shouted.

  I stopped mid-stride, and let my head fall back as I let out the biggest laugh of my life. Without even turning around to look at her, I spoke. “That’s a new excuse.”

  “It’s not an excuse, Noel. I just found out about a week ago. I only have about a month to live.”

  I shook my head in disbelief. “I call bullshit.” I slowly turned to face my mother. “How is it even possible for you to be completely healthy for all these years, healthy enough to drink yourself into an oblivion, and shoot those nasty drugs into your veins, but all of a sudden you have a month to live?”

  “Surprisingly enough, the drugs and booze didn’t do this to me. I have lung cancer. I’ve had it for about a year and a half, and it has spread to every other organ. Who’d of thought, huh?” She laughed, and immediately started coughing.

  “Is this funny to you?” I asked angrily. “I haven’t seen you in almost five years, and even before that it wasn’t like you were even around. I mean, fuck, I left college to come home and take care of you, all so you could run off with some drug runner, but now I’m supposed to what, just forgive and forget?”

  I had pushed my anger and resentment for my mom deep down inside for so long that it was hard to even comprehend what she was saying to me. She had never been a mother to me. She always thought drugs and men were more important, and I literally raised myself for the majority of my life. How was this how it all ended? She was supposed to get clean, and come to me to reconcile. This wasn’t how it was supposed to end.

  “Look…I can see you need some time to let this all sink in, but when you do, I would love to sit down with you. Maybe work things out before I have to go?”

  I stood there nodding my head in agreement. If I even tried to speak, tears would start to run down my face, and I would literally fall apart. So I just stood there nodding. I felt a warm hand wrap around my shivering body, and I fell into Hayden’s shoulder, no questions asked. The look on Rachael’s face was one of joy, for what I wasn’t sure, but I let her have her moment.

  “Hi, I’m Noel’s…I’m Rachael.”

  “Hi Rachael, it’s nice to meet you.” They shook hands, and then she turned to leave.

  I watched her through blurry eyes as she made her way down the street. I wanted to call out to her, to run to her and wrap her in my arms, but I couldn’t. Something inside of me just couldn’t bring myself to do that just yet, but I worried that when the time came that I finally could, it would be too late. I turned into Hayden’s embrace, and let the tears fall like rain. He held me close, never uttering a word as we stood in the freezing cold.

  I wasn’t sure how much time had gone by, but Hayden was walking me up the steps to my place before I could protest. Even though he had been there for me just now, I was still angry with him. I let him lead me over to the couch, and make me some coffee, but that’s where my niceness faded.

  “Why are you here?” I muttered.

  “I came to explain to you what happened last night. I thought you at least deserved that.”

  “I do.” I responded in my zombielike state. Before he started in on his explanation, I figured I owed him a little bit of one as well. “That woman out there, she was my mother.”

  “Was?” He questioned.

  “Yeah, was. I lost her a long time ago to drugs and alcohol, but apparently she’s dying now. Funny how the world works huh?” I sat staring into my cup of coffee as though it held all the answers to life, but I knew it didn’t.

  “I’m sorry, Noel. I wish I could take your pain away.”

  “But you can’t.” I sobbed.

  “No…no I can’t.” He dropped his head in defeat as I looked into his hurt eyes. “Noel, I have some things I need to explain to you. First off, I have to apologize for lying to you. My real name is Luca. Hayden is my middle name. And yes, I am Roger Darrington’s son. My father sent me here to “fix” myself. I was getting into a lot of trouble in New York, and before he would hand the company over to me, I had to change my ways. So he sent me here. He thought if I lived the way normal people live, that maybe I would have a better appreciation for what I had. He was right.”

  He looked up at me with fear in his eyes. Fear of what I wasn’t sure, but I owed it to him to hear him out, so I let him continue.

  “When I met you, I thought you would be just another girl that I would sleep with and get over. But that wasn’t the case. From the first moment I hit you in the face, on accident by the way, I started to fall for you. There’s just something about you that made me want to be a better person. But when you showed no interest, and started dating Officer Jude, I knew my chance to be with you had passed, so I accepted the friendship. If I couldn’t be the guy that got to love you, then I would be the guy that you could always depend on. I bowed out gracefully, but my feelings for you have only grown, and I can’t ignore them anymore.”

  “Why didn’t you say anything before now? I’ve been dating him for weeks, and all the drama that happened with him and his brother…I mean, why didn’t you say anything?”

  “I didn’t want you to feel like you had to choose
me. If I wasn’t who you wanted to be with, then I wanted you to be happy.”

  “I would’ve been happy with you.” I reached for his hands, but he hesitantly pulled away. “What’s wrong?”

  “There’s something else you need to know. You know that girl Vanessa that you became friends with?” I nodded. “I know her.”

  I sat back in shock. “What do you mean?”

  “Well…I used to come out here every summer, and visit my uncle Harrison. I met her the summer I turned nineteen. We dated for a bit. It wasn’t anything serious, but she was the first girl that I opened up to, and actually cared about. I didn’t even remember her, until she came up to me at her party last night.”

  “She must’ve been real special if you couldn’t even remember her face.”

  “I know how it sounds, but it’s been six years since I’ve seen her, and in all fairness, she looks completely different at twenty-one than she did at sixteen.”

  The wheels in my head were spinning fast, and I suddenly put two and two together. “Lexie-May is your daughter, isn’t she?” He nodded shamefully. “I should’ve known. She looks exactly like you. I knew there was something familiar about her big blue eyes.”

  “I promise you I had no idea about her. I’m not that guy, Noel. If I knew I had a daughter, I would’ve been there, supporting them, and trying to be in her life as much as possible.”

  “I know you would. You don’t have to convince me.” He finally reached out for my hands, and I gladly took them. “So what happens now?”

  “I honestly don’t know.”

  “Do you have feelings for Vanessa?” I prayed the answer was no.

  “Not like that, no.” I breathed a sigh of relief. “I think I need some time, to process it all. You know? I need time to get to know my daughter, and to deal with my family and all of that drama.”

  “I can help.” I pleaded as I moved closer to him. “I want to be there for you.”

  “I know, and I want you there, but right now…I have to figure it out on my own. I need to be an adult, and do the right thing. I promise as soon as I do, I will be right back here asking for you to be mine.”