by Jamie Summer
I glanced up at her with pleading eyes. “What happened?”
“The moment he woke up, he asked for you. He said he needed to see you.”
“Why?”
Lina shrugged. “I have no idea. He had a seizure. We don’t know why. It might have been a late reaction to the burns, but there’s no telling for sure.” She stopped. I could tell there was more, but I refrained from pushing her, no matter how badly I wanted to. “Emlyn, his heart stopped.”
I gasped at the news, tears streaming down my cheeks. “He… He died?”
“Yes…” Seeing the expression on my face, she quickly continued. “But we got him back. He’s a fighter. He’s resting now, but we want to keep him in ICU for a bit longer. You can visit him for a few moments again, but remember. Just ten minutes.”
“I need more,” I whispered. The mere thought of leaving Nathan alone now broke me little by little. The last thing I wanted was to be away from him. I needed to be here when he woke up. No way was I going back to the hotel.
“Emlyn, we put him in a medically-induced coma so his body can heal itself. His heart needs to go back to its own rhythm. The best way to do that is if he sleeps.”
I swallowed back more tears before answering. “And he can do that, but I want to be there. If I can’t stay with him in his room, I will stay in the hospital somewhere.”
“Emlyn—”
“I can’t leave him alone again. I left him last night and look what happened. I can’t do that. I can’t lose him. I need him. Don’t ask me to leave, please. I won’t bother anybody, but please, don’t make me go back to the hotel.” I hated the begging sound in my voice, but the mere thought of leaving made my heart crack wide open.
Lina sighed, placing her hands on her hips. “You can stay here throughout the day, but you can only be with Nathan ten minutes at a time. We’ll talk again tonight. In the meantime, let’s go see how Mr. Charming is doing, shall we?” I nodded, knowing it was the best offer I was going to get.
“Thank you.” Everybody was going through so much trouble for me, a mere thank you seemed inadequate for what they were doing.
“Don’t thank me yet. Thank me once Nathan is up and ready to get out of here.” Lina smiled.
We went up to the ICU. The familiar doors greeted me, and the nurse from the night before was the first person I saw when stepping inside the halls.
“Good morning, Ms. Cavanagh,” she said, her voice not showing any surprise at seeing me.
“He’s still in room nine.”
I glanced at the door, not moving. Lina gently shoved me forward.
“You know where to go.” I nodded. “I’ll stay here and come get you in ten minutes. Use the time wisely,” she said.
I walked to Nathan’s room and entered. He looked pretty much the same as he had last night. If I wouldn’t have known something had changed while I was gone, I would’ve thought he slept the night away. I sat on the chair beside the bed, carefully putting his hand in mine. It was even colder than the day before, worry rushing through my body. I tried to warm it, but knew it wouldn’t do any good.
“Hey,” I whispered. I had no idea why I felt the need to talk to him. “So, you scared the crap out of me, Nathan. That’s twice now. Not nice, if you ask me. You can’t go dying on me. Do you hear me? You can’t…” I stopped, swallowing. Tears fell freely down my cheeks, and I didn’t try to stop them. The lump in my throat felt as big as Mount Everest, but I pushed through the pain in my heart. The words needed to come out. “I need you. You need to get better so we can continue this crazy quest we’re on…and so I don’t have to be alone. What would I do without you? I’d be long dead, I’m sure.”
A small part of me hoped talking would wake him up, or at least give me some kind of sign he heard me, but there was no reaction. His face stayed still, the machine next to him keeping up a steady beep. No hiccups, no change in pace, nothing.
“Anyway, I know I need to apologize. You only went in there because of me. You went back because of my stupid notebook. I should’ve never asked. It was… I’m sorry.”
The more I talked, the more I cried. Everything I had bottled up inside me broke free. All the tears I hadn’t cried, all the heartache I hadn’t wanted to admit to… It was suddenly all there.
I put my head on Nathan’s bed and broke down.
I had no idea how much time passed, but was sure the ten minutes Lina allowed was long gone. I found a box of tissues on one of the shelves and took a few, drying my cheeks and eyes. I knew I probably looked horrible, but I felt ten times better than I did before. It didn’t mean I wasn’t still feeling guilty for what happened to Nathan. Or that my heart didn’t ache at the mere sight of him lying in the bed.
It hurt. All of it. Yet I had a chance to get it all out with no one to watch me fall apart.
There was a knock on the door and Lina poked her head in.
“Time’s up, Emlyn. The doctors are going to do their rounds in a few minutes and you need to be gone by then.”
I nodded. I gave Nathan one last look before I got up and walked out. The moment the door closed, Lina took me in her arms.
“He’ll be fine. He may take some time to heal, but it’ll be okay,” she assured me, making me start crying again. We stood like that for a few minutes. “How about we go get some coffee?”
I nodded, pulling away. “I’m sorry,” I mumbled, wiping at my tears.
“There is no need to apologize for anything. Sometimes seeing someone we care about in a hospital bed does weird things to us.” She linked arms with me and we walked to the cafeteria. I didn’t care how I looked, and even the pitiful looks other patients and their families gave me did nothing to me. At this point, all I needed to focus on was Nathan getting better.
Lina ordered us some coffee and we sat down at one of the empty tables. She didn’t talk or ask me any questions. Somehow, she seemed content to simply sit there and enjoy the company of someone she barely knew.
“I have no idea why you are, but thank you for being so nice to me.”
Lina met my eyes. There was a hint of sadness there, of understanding. I wasn’t sure what it meant.
She looked down, playing with her coffee cup. “I lost someone close to me when I was younger. We were playing around in one of those inside playgrounds when someone threw a cigarette into one of the trash bins and it started to burn. Since everything was plastic, it took five seconds before everything lit up. I barely made it out alive. I thought Jimmy was right behind me, but when I looked back, I couldn’t see him. I called out for him, but there was no reply. I wanted to run back in and search for him, but I was only eleven. One of the workers held me back, telling me the fire would kill me. So I stood there, watching the flames light up the sky, all the while knowing, in my heart, that my best friend was burning alive.”
I stared at Lina, sadness enveloping me.
“He wasn’t as lucky as Nathan. And while I might’ve been young, I knew I cared about him a lot. My whole world burned down that day. It took years to build myself up again, to find a new purpose in life.”
“Is that why you became a nurse?”
She nodded. “I wanted to make sure no one had to go through what I did. I wanted to help people. Maybe I could save someone’s brother, mother, sister. I didn’t want anyone to suffer like I did.”
My heart broke for her. For the pain she had to go through at such a young age. Her words hit home. I cleared my throat.
“I lost my twin sister in a car accident eight months ago.” Lina’s eyes probably mirrored the sorrow in my own. “We went to a frat party at our college. We were super excited. Not too long before, Jess had met a guy she really liked. He was supposed to be there. I was never much into parties, but I’d promised I’d go with her. She needed a wingwoman and I wanted to be there for her.”
I stopped, collecting myself. I felt more tears forming, but I wanted to tell Lina the story I hadn’t told anyone.
“When we got there, i
t was the party of our lives. We drank, we danced, we had fun. I remember the wide smile on Jess’ face when she came to me at some point during the evening and told me that Justin, the guy she liked, had asked her out. And kissed her. She was over the moon. It had been a long time since I’d seen my sister that happy.”
I took a deep breath. “Anyway… A few hours later, we were getting ready to leave. I’d stopped drinking a few hours before because I was going to drive us home, but Jess swore she was sober enough. It was her Beetle we came in, so she insisted she should be the one driving. I argued, but when Jess set her mind to something, I knew there was no swaying her.”
Lina gave me a soft smile. “I know someone like that.” I felt myself giving her one in return.
“She got behind the wheel, and I took shotgun. I was still on a high from the amazing party, so there was not an ounce of worry in me about Jess driving. She’d been coherent enough, even walked a straight line to prove she was perfectly capable to handling the car.” Tears streamed down my face and clouded my vision. “I should’ve taken the keys from her. Jess had way more to drink than I thought, so when the truck ran the red light, she didn’t react quickly enough.”
I couldn’t say the words that changed my life so many months ago. I felt a hand on mine and glanced up to see Lina nodding at me encouragingly. She moved her chair right next to me, ready to catch me if I fell. I tried twice to continue, but it took a few more until the words formed.
“She died on impact. The truck hit her side full force. She didn’t stand a chance. I was the lucky one. I only ended up with a broken leg, a concussion, and a dislocated shoulder. That was it. My sister died, and all I had was a few broken bones. It wasn’t fair.” I noticed people looking at me, so I lowered my voice. “I should’ve been the one who died, not Jess. She didn’t deserve to die. I did.”
For the second time that day, I broke down.
Chapter Seventeen
“You know whatever happened wasn’t your fault, right? It was the driver of the truck who was at fault.”
I heard her voice right next to me, but I barely registered the words. All I could see was the truck hitting us. My sister next to me, blood all over her, not moving. And there was nothing I could do.
“Emlyn?” I glanced up at Lina. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“She was my twin, my other half. I lost a part of me, all because I was a little tired and thought it would be nice to have Jess drive so I didn’t have to,” I sobbed.
Lina took me in her arms and held me tightly while I shed tears I had kept in for too long. After everything happened, I was an unemotional mess. I didn’t cry. I didn’t scream. I was merely numb. I couldn’t speak, eat, or sleep. My parents had no idea what to do with me. They tried to get me to talk, and even took me to see a psychologist, but I wasn’t talking. No matter what they did, I wouldn’t open my mouth. This was the first time I had ever told this story, and I told it to a stranger. Not even my parents had heard it. They’d gotten reports from the police, but their own daughter hadn’t managed to tell them what had happened.
“There’s nothing I can say that will make whatever you went through hurt less. I know that. But I want you to see that you had no fault in it. God, I don’t even want to imagine how much it hurts, but I’m sure the last thing Jess would want is for you to blame yourself. She decided to get behind the wheel. So blaming yourself for her decisions isn’t going to help. It was a horrible accident that probably could’ve been prevented. But not by you…or by Jess. Only by the truck driver who should’ve stopped at the light.”
Lina handed me a tissue to wipe my cheeks. When her phone rang, she pulled it out of her coat pocket.
“Hello?” A wide smile spread across her face. “Perfect. Thank you very much, Natty.” She hung up and turned to me. “Nathan’s awake.”
On our way upstairs, Lina told me about getting Nathan back from the coma. She explained that most likely, the doctors noticed he was doing better and pulled him out sooner than expected. We went upstairs and found a nurse and two doctors standing in the room with Nathan. I stopped before entering and watched him for a moment. His eyes were focused on them, his gaze not wavering. He had some color back in his face, and the determined look in his eyes made me hopeful the Nathan I knew had come back to me. Seeing him like that made me weak in the knees. Lina grabbed my arm, holding me upright.
“I got you,” she whispered. I gave her a grateful smile. We waited outside until the doctors finished and walked out of the room.
“He woke up about a half-hour ago. We checked him over, and he seems to be healing up nicely. We have no idea why he had a seizure, but he definitely has a guardian angel. There seems to be no lasting damage, and the burns should fade without leaving much scarring,” Dr. Clark told me. “You can go ahead. He’s already asked for you.” He smiled at me. When I blew out a breath of relief, he and Lina chuckled slightly.
“I’ll wait here for you. I have a few reports to fill out, but I’ll be around, okay?” I nodded at Lina, then opened the door to Nathan’s room.
They had propped the head of his bed up slightly so he wasn’t lying completely flat. He turned toward the door. “Emlyn,” he whispered, relief lacing his voice.
I couldn’t help it. I ran over, throwing my arms around him. I needed to feel him, needed to make sure he was okay.
He tried to wrap his arms around me, as well, but the burns proved too painful. He sucked in a breath. “I missed you,” he said in a quiet voice.
I swallowed the tears threatening to fall. I didn’t want to end up a sobbing mess for the third time today.
“I missed you, too,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper. I tucked my head under his chin, lying down next to him. If he minded, he didn’t mention it. Instead, he took my hand in his, tugging on it.
“You scared me,” I admitted after a moment of silence, hating how weak I sounded.
“I’m sorry. I thought I had enough time to get in and out, but the fire had gotten so much worse in the few seconds we were in the hall. When I tried to leave the room, it was too late. The flames had already turned on me.” Hearing him talk about what happened made the guilt in me soar to life again.
“I’m so sorry. You should’ve never gone in there to look for something as stupid as a notebook,” I apologized.
Nathan placed a gentle kiss on my head. “It was my decision to go in there. I wanted to get the notebook because I knew how important it was. I know you blame yourself, but it was as much my decision as it was yours. I won’t let you carry the burden alone.” I didn’t say anything, just listened to the sound of his slightly more erratic heartbeat against my ear. “I would do it again, you know. If it would save you from going into the flames, I would do it over and over again.”
I didn’t ponder what that meant. Instead, I relaxed against him. For the first time in a little over a day, I was finally able to breathe again.
We stayed like that for a long time. The even rise and fall of his chest told me Nathan had fallen asleep at some point, but I really didn’t want to move from the position I was in. An unfamiliar nurse came in at some point, probably to tell me that visiting hours were over, but when she saw us like that, she quickly slipped out of the room again.
“Hey, sleepyhead,” Nathan’s voice greeted me a few hours later. I didn’t even notice I had dozed off.
“Sorry about that. I didn’t mean to—”
“It’s okay. It seemed as if you needed the sleep as much as I did.”
I looked up to meet his gaze. I saw happiness, contentment, fear, and guilt all wrapped in one expression.
“What’s going on?” I asked, confused.
“What? Nothing,” he replied. “Can you give me the glass of water from my nightstand?” he asked, his eyes avoiding mine. I wasn’t stupid.
“Sure, as long as you tell me what’s going on.”
He sighed. “Can we wait until tomorrow? Right now, the only thing I want to do is quench my t
hirst and get some more sleep.”
I watched him for a moment before grabbing the glass on his bedside table. He took a tentative sip, then a bigger one.
“Thank you.”
I smiled softly at him. “You’re welcome. I’ll let you sleep for a little longer, then come back later.”
The way he looked at me, indecision clouding his eyes, made me wonder if there was something else he wanted to say to me. Whether or not he did, he stayed silent.
“Sleep tight,” I whispered and closed the door behind me. I hadn’t noticed how badly I’d been shaking until I was outside and sat on a chair.
“Drink this. It looks like you need it.” Lina stood there, holding out a cup of water.
“Thank you. You didn’t have to do that.”
“Considering you’re not really looking out for yourself, someone has to. You should also get something to eat. I’m guessing you had breakfast?”
“I did, yes. And I’m not hungry.”
She shook his head. “I don’t care. It’s after five, so breakfast was a long time ago. You will have something to eat, whether you like it or not.”
I knew I would love to have Lina as my nurse. As much as she was warm and compassionate, she also didn’t hold back when she thought you needed a kick in the butt.
“You’re not gonna let me off the hook until I’ve had food, are you?”
She grinned widely. “Nope. You know where the cafeteria is. I don’t want to see you back here for the next half-hour. And I’ll know whether or not you ate something, so don’t think you can cheat your way out of it.”
Lina wasn’t going to stop, so I sighed and got up. I vaguely remembered the way to the cafeteria and was surprised when I found it packed. Then again, it was dinnertime. I ordered mashed potatoes, meatballs, and veggies at the counter, then sat down after the lady told me she’d bring it right over. I wasn’t in the mood to eat, but I knew Lina was right. I needed something in my stomach. My food arrived shortly thereafter. The only reason I picked up the fork was because I knew I needed strength to keep myself going. In between bites, I shot glances at the clock. I wanted to get back to the ICU in exactly a half-hour.
