by Jamie Summer
Eating took about twenty minutes, then I stared out of the floor-to-ceiling windows for ten. There were enough people walking outside to keep me busy, and before long, the half-hour was over.
Lina groaned as she saw me walk through the ICU doors. “How did I know you’d be here a half-hour later on the dot?”
“Is he still asleep?”
She nodded. “You can go in, but I’d prefer if he stayed asleep a little longer. I have to make my rounds, but I will be back. The doctor said if he does okay over the next couple hours, including the night, we’re going to move him off ICU.”
I stared at her, unable to decide whether that was good or bad news. Last time they told me as much, Nathan nearly died.
“Remember? I told you he’d be okay.” Lina squeezed my arm and walked away.
I made my way back to Nathan’s room and sat on the chair next to his bed, resting my head on the mattress, his hand in mine. He continued to sleep, a peaceful expression on his face. For reasons unbeknownst to me, I was awfully tired and drifted off.
“Ms. Cavanagh?”
I opened my eyes, seeing warm, dark brown eyes looking at me.
“Detective Johnson?” I asked and sat up. “What are you doing here?”
“We wanted to talk to Mr. Holwell about what happened at the hotel,” he said. It was only then that I saw Officer Langston standing in the corner.
“Of course. Sorry.” I glanced back at Nathan on the bed. He was still asleep, and I wanted him to stay that way. “Can we do this some other time? He needs the rest. He had a rough night last night.”
“We heard, and we’re sorry about that. We only meant to ask a few questions, nothing else. Has he told you anything about what happened?”
I shook my head. “Nothing specific. He said when he realized the flames were too much, it was already too late. He couldn’t get out. The rest… I honestly have no idea. We haven’t talked about that yet.”
Detective Johnson nodded. “We have a few other things to take care of in the hospital, but would like to check back later. Would that be okay?” I had no idea why he asked my permission, but I felt myself nod.
“Emlyn?” Nathan’s voice sounded far off, slight panic in it. “Emlyn?” He tossed his head from side to side. The sight worried me.
I got up and leaned over him, squeezing his hand. “I’m here.”
He instantly calmed, his silver eyes opening. “Emlyn…,” he whispered. I barely managed a nod. “I thought… I dreamt… The shooting… I just…” He stopped, closed his eyes again, and took a deep breath.
“Mr. Holwell?”
Nathan’s eyes shot open, searching for the unknown voice that had addressed him. When he saw Detective Johnson standing next to me, his gaze flickered from him to me and back.
“Who are you?” There was a hint of worry, but the stern and protective sound overshadowed everything. There was nothing left of the soft and gentle Nathan I glimpsed earlier.
“I’m Detective Johnson. This is Officer Langston. We wanted to see if we could ask you some questions about what happened at the hotel.”
Nathan’s gaze met mine and I nodded at him, hoping he’d understand they could be trusted. They didn’t want to do us any harm.
“I don’t know exactly. I ran back in to get the notebook, but when I turned toward the door, the fire was everywhere. I tried to leave, but the flames blocked the entrance. I couldn’t find a way out. I don’t remember much after that. I must’ve blacked out. The next thing I recall is being in a car and hearing Em talking to me.”
The officers exchanged a look before refocusing on Nathan. “Was there anyone else in the room with you?” Nathan shook his head. “Did you notice anything unusual during the night this happened? Anything that struck you as weird?”
“Everything seemed perfectly in order. I lay in bed and watched TV for a while, then fell asleep. When I woke again, I smelled smoke.”
“Okay, Mr. Holwell. I already told Ms. Cavanagh to call us if there’s anything else you can remember. Please do, okay?” Nathan nodded. “Thanks for taking the time. I hope you’ll be able to get out of here as soon as possible,” Detective Johnson said, then the two of them left.
“Who pulled you out of that fire?” The question was out before I could stop myself. Nathan’s furrowed brows let me know he was a little surprised by it. “I mean, you should’ve died in there. Someone had to have pulled you out. There’s no other explanation. The fire department broke the window to my room once I told them you were still in there, but they didn’t find anything. So what happened?”
Nathan stared me for a moment before he answered. “Like I said, I don’t remember. I blacked out. The smoke got so bad, I didn’t see anything anymore. I simply blacked out.”
Something about the way he adamantly repeated the fact he blacked out made me study him carefully. There was nothing dishonest about the way his eyes begged me to believe him, but something about it still felt…off.
“I just wish we knew who saved you. Just to say thanks,” I eventually said, hoping he wouldn’t hear my suspicions. Or maybe I was simply seeing things that weren’t there. I should focus on the fact that Nathan was awake and talking to me, not doubting the truth of his words two seconds after having him back.
“I know. We’ll figure it out, okay?”
I nodded and pointed at the water. “The doctor said you need to drink, stay hydrated.” He drank a small amount, a smile on his lips.
The doctor came in to check on Nathan a short time later. Since everything looked fine, he assured us he’d be moved out of the ICU the next morning.
Once he walked out of the room, Nathan patted bed. “Care to join me?” he asked.
Nervousness spread through me like a wildfire. When I had lain next to him earlier, I hadn’t thought about anything, other than having him safe and sound next to me. Now, though, the close proximity we’d be in made my throat dry. It was stupid, considering Nathan hurt all over, but I couldn’t help it.
“Em, I just want to know you’re there, nothing else,” he explained. He wanted me there for the same reason I had needed to be close earlier. I knew I shouldn’t do it. The more time I spent with Nathan, the less I wanted to let him go.
Against my better judgment, I lay down next to him, my head on his chest. His heart beat a little faster than usual, and I marveled at the sound of it. He stroked my hair with soft movements. There was no doubt I could get used to this.
We didn’t sleep, but neither of us said anything to break the comfortable silence we’d created between us, either. For the first time in a while, all my thoughts vanished. I didn’t think about anything, just enjoyed the moment.
When dinner was brought in, we separated long enough for Nathan to try to eat. He got soup, which I didn’t envy, while I declined the offer of a dinner of my own. I was still full from earlier. I was surprised they served him dinner this late, but figured the ICU worked a little differently.
“Ms. Cavanagh, you need to leave now. Visiting hours are over, and Mr. Holwell needs all the rest he can get.”
I stared at the nurse standing in the middle of the room and tried to think of something to say that might make her let me stay, but by the determined expression on her face, I knew there was no use.
“I’ll be back in the morning,” I told Nathan in defeat. I didn’t want to leave, yet I knew I had to. Nathan pulled me into his arms once more before I left.
I would be back.
Bright and early.
Chapter Eighteen
I was back the next day. And the day after. And the day after that. Nathan had been moved to a regular room, as promised. His vitals improved, and the burns got significantly better with each day. I was with him most of the time, but when he rested, I went to the embassy and got a new passport. I also got all the necessary documentation ready for Nathan to get one once he was released, too. The moment he was able, he called his mom and told her he was fine, that she didn’t need to fly out. I
wondered if he didn’t want her to be here due to the circumstances, or if he honestly didn’t need her here. Somehow, I doubted the latter. From what he told me, they had a close relationship.
Our chats during the day consisted mostly of non-important stuff. Everything but the quest we were on, or the fact I was sure we were the reason the hotel had burned down in the first place.
It took seven days before the doctors were confident Nathan could be released. Some burns were still not starting to heal, but nothing bad enough they wanted to keep him. More than once, he’d told me he was ready to leave, but I wondered if he didn’t mean more than just the hospital.
I’d gotten everything ready for me to move on with our quest should I choose to. Passport, credit cards, everything. We hadn’t talked about what would happen once he got out of the hospital. It was the big pink elephant in the room. We both tiptoed around it, but neither one of us wanted to face any kind of reality.
The hospital called us a cab, which took us to the hotel. Everybody there had been more than accommodating, assuring me I needn’t worry about the bill. Apparently, I could stay there as long as I needed, free of charge. More than once, I mentioned that this was too much, but the hotel manager said there was no use arguing.
When we pulled up, Nathan’s shocked expression made me smile. It reminded me of my initial reaction when I saw it.
“Beautiful, isn’t it?”
He nodded as we walked in and over to the reception where Chris—I had learned his name over the course of the last few days—waited for us.
“Mr. Holwell, glad to see you up and around,” he said.
Nathan gave me a confused look. I smirked. I had a few days to get used to the fact people knew who I was. He hadn’t.
“Um… Thank you. Glad to be walking around,” Nathan replied.
Chris handed him a key. “Everything has been taken care of. The elevator is over there.”
While I knew Nathan would’ve been perfectly capable of walking up the stairs, I guided him toward the elevator. Most of his burns might have healed, but I didn’t want to take any chances.
They’d given Nathan the room next to mine, and I couldn’t help the flood of relief when I realized he’d finally be close again.
“Do you want to lie down and get some sleep?” I asked as we stood in the hallway. “I mean, that would be totally fine if that’s what you wanted to do.”
“I’ve slept so much, I think I’m good for a while. Do you want to go grab a bite to eat?” Since it was around lunchtime and I’d barely eaten anything for breakfast this morning, I was all for getting something to eat.
Plus, maybe that would give us a chance to talk about the things we haven’t talked about yet. We agreed to meet in fifteen minutes. Nathan wanted to take a shower and put on some clean clothes. His clothes, just like mine, had been replaced.
I used the time to take a shower myself, then dressed in a pair of blue skinny jeans and a loose yellow top. It was one of the most comfortable outfits I’d ever worn.
Fifteen minutes later, I left my room, just as Nathan walked out of his.
I smiled. “I thought we could go down to The Cellar. It’s the bar they have here and it’s pretty nice. Their food is really good, as well.”
Nathan nodded and followed me down to the bar.
“Hey there,” I greeted the bartender. I hadn’t been back a whole lot the past few days.
“Good to see you back,” the guy said with a grin. I didn’t miss the way his eyes raked over my body appreciatively.
“Thank you.”
I felt my cheeks heat slightly as I walked over to one of the corner tables. I sensed Nathan’s eyes on my back, but didn’t want to think it was because of what the bartender had said. It would bring up a whole line of questions I couldn’t—and wouldn’t—think about now.
“It’s really beautiful in here,” Nathan marveled as he sat.
“It’s one of the reasons I like to spend my time here. It makes you feel transported back in time. And it’s never too crowded. Plus, they have Guinness, so there was no reason to venture out by myself.”
“Was it hard for you to be here by yourself?”
I thought about his question for a second before I shook my head. “Not really. It was definitely different, but once I found you and could see you throughout the day, I didn’t feel too lonely. Everybody here made sure I felt included and had everything I needed. These people have been amazing.” Nathan smiled. “They’ve basically taken me in for free, then gave me a whole new wardrobe and everything else I might need. Way more stuff than I had when we arrived in town. I tried to give some of the clothes back, but they wouldn’t have any of it. They said it’s compensation for what I lost in the fire.”
I had to stop. A lump formed in my throat, making it impossible for me to continue. I couldn’t say it. I thought it was going to be easy, because he was the one who would understand best, but admitting I was the reason for the fire wasn’t something I could say out loud.
He’d nearly died.
Images of him running into the fire flashed in front of my eyes and I heard myself gasp at the harsh reality that stared me right in the face. I had tried to forget, yet all I did was remember.
“Emlyn?” Nathan took my hands in his and massaged the back of them with his thumbs. The soft pressure was oddly soothing.
“No!” I pulled my hands away. All of a sudden, I felt like I would suffocate in his kindness, his closeness. Everything that was him. I needed distance. I couldn’t have him be nice to me when I was the reason he could’ve died.
He watched me carefully for a moment. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“The hell it wasn’t.”
“You didn’t set that fire.”
“I might as well have. We both know why that fire started and to think that…that you almost died. I just… I can’t take it.”
Nathan seemed unfazed by my hysterical outburst. He moved his chair closer and didn’t budge when I tried to get out of the grasp he had caught me in.
“Emlyn Cavanagh, listen to me. You are not to blame. Not for the fire, not for what happened to me. You didn’t set that fire, and you didn’t make me go in there again.”
“But—”
He pulled away and looked at me. “No. I know what you’re going to say. Yes, you wanted the notebook, but I was the one who decided to go back into the room. No one else. So I might as well blame myself for what happened. We can’t change it. What’s done is done.”
I met his eyes, seeing the sincerity there. “I’m not sure I can do this anymore,” I finally admitted, my voice quiet and weak. I should feel surprise at the words I’d spoken, but all I felt was contentment. I had no idea when I made the decision to go home, considering I’d gotten everything to keep going. Considering I had sent Nathan into that fire for a notebook I now wouldn’t need anymore.
But I was done. Emotionally. Physically. In every aspect of my being.
“You don’t need to. You only need to say the words and we’ll be out of here tomorrow.” He squeezed my hand to emphasize his point.
I nodded. “I can’t live through another event like that. I need to… I need to let it all go,” I whispered. Nathan pulled me closer, my face pressed against his hard chest. It was a position we had been in quite often the last few days, but this was different. This was happening outside the confines of a hospital room.
“We’ll go home,” Nathan assured me, kissing the top of my head softly. I closed my eyes, wishing we could simply teleport back home now. It hadn’t been much of a home to me, but the small and simple life I had started to build for myself was growing on me.
“Thank you. For everything. For going through all of this with me,” I said, my lips moving against his shirt. His heart rate picked up. I wanted to sit up and check to make sure he was okay, but he didn’t let me. Instead, he held me in place.
“I’d do it all over again,” he said, a smile in his voice.
I fel
t a certain lightness within me, as if the weight on my shoulders was lifted by the knowledge we’d return home and leave all this behind. I didn’t care anymore. I wanted to be home, away from all this tragedy.
I ignored the nagging voice in the back of my mind that kept repeating there was no escaping this. I couldn’t listen to it. I needed to believe if we left here, I would be able to go back to my life. Without any lasting consequences.
When the waitress came over with our menus, we separated. I suggested a few items to Nathan, ones I’d tried and loved. In the end, I got the burger with a side of onion rings, and he decided on the same. Additionally, I ordered another Guinness, while Nathan was content with an iced tea.
The food came as quickly as the drinks did. We talked about our return home. I agreed that Nathan would book our flights as soon as we went back to our rooms. I told him I didn’t care about times, as long as he made sure to get us out of here as soon as possible. He still needed to go pick up his passport at the embassy, but other than that, we only had one other issue to deal with.
When Detective Johnson picked up on the second ring, I told him about our plan. He said that considering the investigation was going nowhere, and that there were no leads, we were free to return home. The only thing he mentioned was to be available in case there were follow-up questions. I had no trouble with that. I was fine with everything, as long as I could leave all of this behind.
Several hours later, we headed back to our rooms. Time had passed without either one of us realizing. Nathan eventually said he was feeling rather sluggish and wanted to get some rest, and I, having nothing better to do, decided to follow suit. It was almost night time anyway. I unlocked my hotel room and walked inside. After taking off my jeans and shirt, I fell onto the bed, asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.
Dreams had been the only peaceful companion in those tumultuous days after the fire. The one thing I could count on to take me back into nothingness.
