Before he could finish that sentence, Beth grabbed his face and brought his lips to hers. She had no idea she was going to kiss him, but she wasn’t going to pull away. At first, she just wanted him to shut up. And she knew he wouldn’t shut up if she asked. She had to do something about it. And this was the only thing she could think of that would work.
Plus, she wanted to kiss him again.
After seeing what it felt like after all these years, she wanted it again. In fact, she wanted to see what she could get away with, wanted to see how many times she could kiss him before he reminded her that they were just friends and she needed to get that silly little notion out of her head.
This time, it wasn’t slow.
Technically, it hadn’t been slow the first time they kissed either, but this time, there was hunger and passion and desperation laced in the gesture on both sides. The two clung to each other as their tongues warred, almost as though they worried the other would slip through their hands like grains of sand in an hourglass.
It was only when Knox’s hands found her waist underneath the hemline of her shirt did her eyes snap open, did Beth realize this was really happening and it wasn’t some dream she would wake up from. He pulled back slightly but didn’t move that far. His forehead grazed hers, and he tilted his head to the side. His fingers traced patterns in her skin, and she closed her eyes, trying to catch her breath, trying to slow her rapidly beating heart.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“If I recall, you kissed me,” he pointed out. Somehow, his own raspy voice wasn’t as breathless as hers was, and she inwardly winced. Why was she the one who always seemed much more affected by him than he was of her? It didn’t seem fair.
“I…” She let her voice trail off and played with the ends of her hair. She wasn’t wrong. Looking away, she tried to pull away from him, tried to remove herself from the facade of warmth he offered her, but he wouldn’t let her.
“I know,” he said.
Beth furrowed his brow. “No,” she said. “No, you don’t. And I’d appreciate it if you stopped pretending. You don’t know how I feel because if you did, you wouldn’t treat me like this.”
“Beth -”
“No, Beth,” she snapped. This time, she did manage to pull away, but it was much more difficult than she expected it to be. She wanted to feel his hands on her skin, wanted to have him rest his forehead against hers and pretend for a second, they loved each other, they cared.
But she was tired of living in this land of pretend. It was time she woke up.
“I love you, Knox,” she blurted out. “Honestly, I’ve loved you for a while, and I just...I know it’s my problem. And I’m trying to move on. But you need to let me do that. The last thing I want is to ruin our friendship with unrequited feelings.”
“Beth, I -”
She held up a hand, closing her eyes as though that would block out everything he was about to say.
“This is my problem,” she tried again, “and the last thing I want is for you to ruin it with words.”
Knox pressed his lips together like he was trying to contain whatever it was that wanted to come out. Part of Beth was curious what he could possibly have to say about this. Would he apologize for her feelings, like he hadn’t meant for her to fall in love? That had happened so long ago, it wasn’t something either of them could have expected. It wasn’t his fault.
She knew that now.
Knox was just so full of life, so enthusiastic about living, that it was difficult not to get swept up in who he was.
God, it was so easy to love him, even when he pissed her off.
“It’s okay,” she said again. “It’s okay.”
“Beth, I just want -”
“Me and Kent are going out again,” she said. “Tonight. After the game.”
“What?” His voice was flat, eyes narrowed, and he grabbed the back of the chair she had been sitting on as though he needed to hold himself up.
Beth looked at him, knitting her brow together. “I shouldn’t have kissed you,” she said. “I just, I wanted to know what it felt like, you know? Just once. But, um, yeah. I’m going out with Kent again tonight, so you don’t have to worry. I mean, I can stay away from you for a while -”
“Why would I want that?” He genuinely seemed like he had no idea why she would even talk to him about something like that. Like he just couldn’t fathom it.
“I don’t want things to be weird between us,” she replied slowly. Surely he was kidding, that this was all one big Knox joke.
“Why would they get weird?” Knox asked.
“Um, because we kissed twice,” she said as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Because I told you I was in love with you, Knox.” She clenched her teeth together. “I think, maybe, we need to take a break.”
“Beth -”
“I need it, Knox,” she said. “I’m trying here. Really, really trying. I’ll have to go to the game tonight. I told Kent I’d be there. But after tonight, I’ll just, I don’t know, disappear for a while, you know? I don’t want to make things weirder between us than they already are.”
“They’re not - I don’t want that.”
“It’s not about what you want,” Beth said. “You can’t have it both ways. You can’t be that selfish, Knox. Just go find someone else, another friend, someone who will clean up your messes and follow you around like some stupid dog, hoping for you to finally notice them, knowing they never will. I can’t do it anymore. And I don’t want to throw away our friendship either. So, I just, I’m going to go. And we can work things out later.”
“When?” he demanded to know. He shifted his weight. “Beth, I can’t lose you.”
Beth sighed, reaching up and cupping his cheek. Her eyes dropped to his mouth and she gently traced his lips with her thumb. “You can’t lose me if you never had me, Knox,” she murmured before dropping his cheek and taking a step back.
When she left, he didn’t follow her.
13
Knox
Knox knew he was being an idiot. He should follow her. He wanted to. But something kept him from doing just that.
He took the glass of goop and threw it across the kitchen until he heard the satisfying crash of it against the wall. Closing his eyes, he let out a breath through his nose before bringing his hands up and running them down his face.
What the fuck was he going to do?
He and Beth kissed. Twice. He didn’t even know what that meant - if it meant anything at all.
It had to mean something. It had to.
What do you want it to mean?
That was the real question.
Knox dropped his hands to his sides and glanced at the mess he made. Green slides edge its way down the wall and oozed out of the glass onto the floor. He sighed and then headed into the pantry where he grabbed a mop. From under the sink, he retrieved the spray and set himself to clean up the mess.
He swept up the glass into a dustpan. He was careful where he stepped, especially considering the fact that he wasn’t even wearing socks. When the glass was swept, he took the mop and ran it over the sludge. He wanted that shit gone, especially when his new hangover cure was a serious conversation with Beth. That look of disappointment that flashed across her face was enough to cause him to get his shit together and his head out of his ass.
Or maybe it was the kiss that did him in.
It could have been anything. He didn’t know. But it had to do with Beth. Of course, it did. It always had to do with Beth.
Fuck.
When the mess was clean, he disposed everything in the trash and put away the broom, the mop, the dustpan. He sauntered over to the couch and plopped down, reaching up to rub his temples. He was sober, but that didn’t mean that the headache had gone away.
And maybe he deserved it. Maybe he deserved the pain he was currently experiencing because Beth sure as shit didn’t deserve what happened this morning. He shouldn’t have kissed her.
He shouldn’t have fucked everything up with her. Hell, he wasn’t even sure if they were friends anymore. God, he hoped he hadn’t fucked that up. He could take anything, but the thought of her not being in his life was not something he could take.
Knox let a sigh slip past his lips and leaned back. He had a game later, knew he should be heading to the ice, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Which just didn’t happen. All he wanted to do was crawl back into bed and sleep forever, sleep until everything was back to normal and Beth wasn’t mad at him and he didn’t know what it was like to kiss her.
At that moment, his phone rang. He paused, trying to remember where he left it. It sounded like it was coming from his bedroom upstairs. Sighing, he trudged upstairs. The ringing had long since ceased, which might have been a good thing. He wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone unless....
But he doubted it was Beth.
She had just been here, and it wasn’t likely that she would call him so soon after she left, especially since she was pretty pissed about everything. And he didn’t go after her.
He should have gone after her.
He wound up finding his phone twisted in his sheets. Instead of checking to see just who called him right away, he opted to make his bed so it looked respectable. When he was satisfied, he took a breath and finally opened his phone - only to see Brandon’s name.
Frowning, Knox called his friend back. What did Brandon want? Was everything okay? Maybe tickets to the game tonight, though the guys weren’t exactly big hockey fans.
“What’s up, dude?” Brandon asked.
Knox rolled his eyes. “You called me, man.”
“Well, at least you’re not slurring,” Brandon said after a long moment.
Know opened his mouth to ask what the hell he meant by that, but stopped. Of course. He was at Brandon’s last night. Why didn’t he immediately remember that? Had he really been that drunk?
“Yeah,” Knox said after a moment, when he realized Brandon was waiting for him to say something.
“You good now?” Brandon asked.
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Well, you were pretty bad last night, dude. And you never get drunk, so I just wanted to make sure you’re okay, man.”
Knox pressed his lips together. He let out a breath, rubbing his head. There was still that pounding headache, but it had numbed slightly - a good thing, quite honestly. He needed to be sharp for the game tonight. The skate would suck - that much was certain - but maybe if he could get a nap in before the skate and the game, get some food in he wouldn’t throw up, and hydrate himself properly, maybe the game itself wouldn’t be a shitshow.
“Yeah,” Knox finally said. “I’m okay.”
There was a pause on the other end of the line. Then, “You wanna talk about it?”
Knox’s eyebrows shot up straight. Was Brandon actually offering to have a conversation about feelings? That wasn’t Brandon’s style, even with his friends. The only person who could get Brandon to talk about anything was Beth, and even that was like pulling teeth.
“Um…”
“Dude, I saw your face last night,” Brandon went on. “I know the fact that Beth went on that date with what’s his face pissed you off. But not in the way it would piss me off. There’s more to it and you know it.”
Knox opened his mouth. He wanted to deny it, wanted to tell Brandon he was mistaken, but the words wouldn’t come out. They were trapped in his throat.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Brandon repeated.
Knox wanted to say no. The last thing he needed was to admit - even to himself - what was going on with Beth. Hell, he still didn’t know what the hell that was, and he didn’t want to admit anything to Brandon, of all people, just to assuage whatever it was that was causing tension deep inside of him when it came to Beth. What if Brandon told her something? What if even admitting anything out loud changed everything between them because he was now forced to look at her differently? He wouldn’t be able to handle that. He didn’t want anything to change.
Maybe you do, a voice pointed out. Maybe you want things to change between you a lot more than you realize.
“I don’t know what to say, man,” Knox admitted. He was surprised to hear the defeat in his own voice. He made his way to the fridge, knowing he needed to start hydrating himself immediately. No matter what he did at this point, the game was going to suck, but he could try to help himself as best as he could.
“Tell me what’s going on between you and Beth,” Brandon said. Even though they were on the phone, Knox could picture him crossing his arms over his chest and giving him a pointed stare, almost as though to say not to even try and lie about it.
“What makes you think -”
“Come on, man.” Brandon was grunting. He only grunted was he was pissed about something. “Don’t bullshit me, okay? You can bullshit the others. Hell, you can bullshit her if you want. But don’t bullshit me. I know you too well for that shit. And I’m not here to say I know you better than she does because we both know that that isn’t true. But give me some credit, man. I see the way she looks at you, the way she drops everything the second you call. I want her to do that for me but she’s caught up in you.”
Knox pressed his brows together. He was about to take a long gulp of the water but stopped himself the second Brandon said the words.
“What?” he asked. He needed clarification, needed to know what he heard was what he thought.
“Don’t make me say it.” Brandon said. There was tension in his tone. “I feel something for her, man. I have for a long fucking time. But she’s crazy about you. And you have your head so far up your ass that you don’t even realize it. You know Beth is so fucking easy to fall in love with. You know that. So, if you don’t love her, then you need to let her move on.”
“What, so you can move in and -”
“Don’t come at me, bro,” he said, an edge to his voice. “That’s not what this is about and you know it. Regardless of what I may or may not feel for her, she doesn’t love me, and it’s pretty obvious from where I’m sitting who she does love. Oh, come on, man. Please don’t tell me that you can’t see it.”
“What are you talking about?” There was an edge to Knox’s voice, and he couldn’t seem to understand why. His fingers gripped the water bottle so tightly, the plastic crunched and bent under his fingers. Part of him was surprised he still had a hold of it, that he hadn’t thrown it across the room.
“Dude, Beth’s crazy about you,” Brandon said. “Has been, for years. She’s in love with you.”
“Man, don’t lie -”
“You can’t seriously be this stupid,” Brandon said. “You think I would push you to her if I thought there was one sliver of hope I could get her to fall for me?”
At that, Knox clenched his teeth together. This time, he did throw the bottle in the direction of the trash can. He wanted to hurt something, someone, but Brandon was a friend. Even though he was pissing Knox off, Knox didn’t have a reason to hurt him, though he was pushing it, what with his feelings for Beth.
“I wouldn’t,” Brandon said. “Beth is...she’s fucking too good for you to throw away. I’d rather have her as a friend than not having her at all. But right now, you’re fucking everything up.”
Knox wanted to tell him to fuck off. The last thing he needed to hear right now was someone else wanted Beth. How many people wanted her? Why was this something that mattered to him anyway? Why did he care?
Because you want her.
And you don’t want anyone else to want her.
Because if someone else wanted her, you could lose her.
Because what if she doesn’t want you?
Knox blew out a breath. “So, what?” he forced himself to say. “What do I do?”
“Well, what do you want, man?” Brandon asked.
“Fuck if I know.”
Brandon was probably shaking his head. “That’s bullshit and you know it,” he said. “You know what the f
uck you want. You’re just being a bitch about it.”
“Hey, fuck you.”
“Hey, fuck you,” Brandon snapped. “If Beth wanted me, I wouldn’t be pretending to know whether I wanted her or not. I’d fucking admit that I did and I’d do something about it, not have some kind of tantrum and get drunk and make a fucking ass of myself.” He paused. “You want her? Get your head out of your ass, man up, and fucking do something about it. Before I do.”
14
Beth
Beth didn’t have any idea what the hell she was doing here.
“Kent,” she reminded herself in a low voice.
Except, he hadn’t technically invited her to their game tonight. And she hoped he wouldn’t think she had invited herself. However, he knew she and Knox were close so she hoped that meant he assumed that she was here for Knox and not him.
Which, unfortunately, was the truth.
She was here for Knox.
She was always here for Knox.
For a moment, before leaving her dorm, she considered not going tonight. After everything that had happened between the two of them, she had no idea how they were going forward with anything. Were they still friends? Were they more?
No. She shook her head, even as she stared at the Mayhem warm up in front of her, shooting pucks at the backup goalie, helmets off, just having a good old time, messing around and preparing for the game. Beth wasn’t naive to think that one kiss - two, technically - meant they were suddenly in a relationship. She didn’t even know if that was what she wanted with Knox. She didn’t know what she wanted.
She leaned back in the uncomfortable plastic chair and recrossed her legs, trying not to look at Knox. Kent caught her eye a few times, and he smiled. He didn’t seem to have any problem with her being here, which was a good sign.
Knox kept shooting her looks, but she couldn’t read his eyes. Honestly, she didn’t want to. She knew she liked that he was looking, but she didn’t want him to. Those eyes seemed to ask questions and she wasn’t sure what the answers were. She didn’t know if they were okay. She didn’t know if they were still friends. Hell, she didn’t know what she wanted.
Rookies Hit It Better Page 8
