Songs Unfinished

by Holly Stratimore

  “No, thanks. I’m already late,” said Shawn, putting on her coat. “She’s gonna kill me!” she added as she ran out the door.

  She spent her commute praying for God to take away her crush, praying she wouldn’t be late, and replaying images of yesterday’s rehearsal with Passion Play. She knew her feelings for Jaymi would only lead to heartache, and she mentally prepared herself to face her crazy-ass boss.

  Yesterday, once again, she had gone with Jaymi to rehearsal. She assumed that Jaymi had spoken to Nikki about the way she had been treating her, because Nikki didn’t make a single rude or wise-ass remark. In fact, she’d pretty much ignored her entirely, which suited Shawn fine. And this time, when she joined the band for their wrap-up jam, Jaymi insisted that Shawn play some of her own songs. With Jaymi, Nikki, and Kay grouped together to follow Shawn’s lead sheets, the band did two run-throughs of each song.

  It was the first time Shawn had heard her songs performed with a full band. Reliving the exhilaration of their praise and interest triggered goose bumps. She could feel her determination awaken, and she recommitted herself to pursuing her career. Open mikes. This week! I’ll do at least one. Gotta check that newspaper again. Maybe Jaymi will go with me. She reluctantly told herself that next Sunday she wouldn’t go to Jaymi’s rehearsal, but instead would spend the day alone to write and practice.

  Waiting impatiently at a red light, Shawn checked the time. No use rushing now, since there was no way she could get there in time. Not without speeding and risking a ticket.

  She crept into the building and discreetly punched in seven minutes late. No sign of the dragon lady. Good. She went right to work. But five minutes later, Karla paged her to her office. The dread lodged itself in her throat and she resigned herself for the inevitable.

  “Please, close the door and have a seat.” Karla motioned to the chair but the condescending tone she had used on Friday was missing, and there was a slight smile on her thin lips.

  Shawn sat and clasped her hands between her knees.

  “So,” said Karla, her smile widening, “did you have a good weekend?”

  What is this? Her twisted way of sneaking in for the kill? “Uh…yes.”

  “Good show Friday, wasn’t it?”

  “Yeah. Listen, you don’t have to waste your time with the small talk. I’m sorry I was late today. Please don’t fire me, I—”

  “Fire you?”

  “I’m so sorry. I really need this job and I’ll stay late to make it up, or I’ll work through lunch. I know I can do better this week. I’m really starting to get the hang of things. Anything, I’ll do anything, just please give me another chance.”

  Karla rose from her seat and came around to the front of the desk. She sat on it’s edge and crossed her legs at the ankles. “Look, I know I was a little hard on you last week. The big bosses have been riding my ass lately, so I was under a lot of stress. I didn’t bring you in here to fire you. But, since you offered, there is something you could do for me.”

  Shawn released a deep breath, but not without skepticism. “Thanks. Yeah, anything. Whatever.”

  Karla lowered her voice, as if she was afraid of being heard from outside the office. “How well do you know Jaymi Del Harmon? I saw you talking to her at Sparky’s.”

  Ah. Right. “We’re friends. Why?”

  “You live with her, don’t you?”

  Shawn turned her head slightly and narrowed her eyes. “How did you know that?”

  “It’s on your application. You put her as a reference, and you both have the same phone number.”

  “Oh, that. Sure.” Shawn cleared her throat and sat back in her chair. She didn’t appreciate the invasion of her personal space. “You want an autograph? I’m sure she’d sign a photo for you or something.”

  Karla leaned forward. Her breath suggested that she drank as much coffee as they shipped. “I want to meet her.”

  “Oh. Well, I think they have another gig next weekend and sometimes they do meet-and-greets after their shows. I could introduce you to the whole band if you want.”

  “No. I don’t want to be treated like just any other fan. I mean just me and Jaymi, somewhere private.” Karla’s smile seemed forced but her tone lost some of its edge. “Maybe I could buy her dinner or something. I don’t care about meeting the rest of the band.”

  “I don’t know…I’d have to ask her.” Shawn squirmed. Her face was beginning to burn with the rising explosion she was struggling to squelch.

  “Look, I don’t see why it should be such a big deal. She seems nice enough and she must appreciate her fans, right?”

  “Oh, she does, believe me, she’s grateful. It’s just, she’s a very private person, and I don’t want to disrespect that, you know?”

  “Well, I do have her number from your application. I suppose I could call her myself.”

  “No! No, please don’t do that.”

  “Then ask her. Ask her tonight and maybe I can tear up that written warning I filled out for your constant tardiness rather than turn it in to the temp agency. I’m sure they would think twice about giving you any more assignments.”

  “What?”

  “You heard me.”

  Shawn clenched her teeth. “I’ll see what I can do.”

  “Good. I’ll be waiting.”

  *

  “She actually threatened you if I didn’t agree to meet with her?” Jaymi looked at Shawn incredulously.

  “Yes. I’m so sorry, Jaymi, I couldn’t see any way out of it. You know I can’t afford to lose this job. I feel terrible.”

  “Hmm.” Jaymi took a bite of her dinner and a long swig of milk. Shawn had known the news wouldn’t go over well with her. Not that Jaymi didn’t enjoy meeting her fans or appreciate their admiration and support. But to be coerced into a private meeting hardly seemed appropriate. And to threaten Shawn in the process was unacceptable.

  Shawn shook her head. “You know what, forget it. I’ll just deal with it. You don’t have to do this. This is bullshit. It’s like blackmail or something, isn’t it? It can’t be legal.”

  “Are you sure?” Jaymi asked, obviously relieved.

  “Yes. I’ll just get to work early every day so she won’t have any reason to write me up. Shit, it’s just one warning, so what. I’ve dealt with worse. I’ll start looking for another job if I have to. And besides, she told me to ask you, and I did. I held up my side, right? She can go to hell.”

  “I’m sorry, Shawn, I’m just really not comfortable with someone demanding to meet me, and to threaten you like she did? I don’t trust it. It sounds like she’s got a screw loose or something.”

  “You know, this is only a three-month assignment. Maybe I can just stall her until I get my own place or find another job. I’ll tell her your schedule’s booked solid and it’ll have to wait.”

  “I’d appreciate that.”

  Shawn changed the topic, asking about Jaymi’s day. Even though it might mean she could lose her job or, worse, have the dragon lady on her case more often, she was relieved Jaymi wouldn’t be meeting her stalker-fan boss.

  And for the moment, she was grateful for the reprieve.

  *

  Jaymi woke, startled, at an angry, unintelligible voice coming from Shawn’s room, and once she had her wits about her, realized the voice was Shawn’s. She slowly opened Shawn’s door and through the darkness could see her body flailing beneath the covers.

  Shawn continued screaming. “Get off me! Get off me! No! Get off me!”

  Jaymi carefully sat on the side of the bed and placed a hand on Shawn’s shoulder.

  “Shawn? Shawn, wake up. It’s just a nightmare.” She shook her gently. Without warning, Jaymi was suddenly pushed backward onto the carpet and Shawn was on top of her, pinning her arms down. Jaymi shouted Shawn’s name at the top of her lungs. Shawn finally came to, shaking her head and gasping for air. She jumped to her feet and stumbled backward.

  “Shit! What am I doing? Jaymi, are you okay?” Sh
e stood wide-eyed, her breathing still labored.

  Jaymi sat up and caught her own breath. “Yeah, I’m okay. Are you?” She could see Shawn’s shoulders lurch as the sobs began.

  “I don’t…no.” She shook her head and wrapped her arms around herself as she cried. Jaymi approached her cautiously.

  “Do you want a hug, or will I get tackled again?” Shawn held up her arms and Jaymi pulled her close. God, she feels good in my arms, thought Jaymi, surprising herself. Shit, don’t be thinking that! It’s just been a long time since you’ve been with anyone, that’s all. She pulled away. “I’ll go get you a tissue.” She returned to find the bedside lamp on and Shawn sitting cross-legged on the futon, wiping the tears from her face. “You want to talk about it?” Jaymi asked, as she handed her the tissue and sat beside her.

  “I do, but I’m afraid to.”

  “It’s just me. Nothing to be afraid of.”

  “I know it’s just you. That’s what scares me.”

  Jaymi frowned. “I don’t understand. Are you afraid of me for some reason?”

  “Oh no, not at all. Shit, I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant.” Shawn slid off the bed and began to pace. “I’m afraid of what you’ll think of me if I tell you.”

  Jaymi caught her by the arm and stopped her midstride. “Just tell me. Let it out.”

  Shawn returned to her position on the bed and inhaled deeply. “Before I came back here, things were really bad for me. I did some really stupid things.”

  “And that’s okay, Shawn. You told me you were trying to make a new start.”

  “But I haven’t told you everything. Remember I had lost my job and my apartment? That actually happened to me more than once. I’d get fired from some two-bit shit job, and then I’d get kicked out of wherever I was living ’cause I couldn’t pay for it. Twice I lost my own place, and two other times I rented rooms where my roommates kicked me out. So the times I was homeless, I would hang out at the clubs and I’d pick up girls just so I’d have a place to sleep. I didn’t even know their names half the time.” She paused, clearly expecting judgment. When she didn’t get any, she kept going.

  “I felt awful. I mean it’s not like me to use people like that. Shit, Jaymi, I was desperate. I was living in my car.” She wiped her tears away with the back of her hands. Jaymi shifted closer to her and, after a slight hesitation, placed a hand on her back and began to lightly move it in a soothing circular pattern.

  “Shawn, were you homeless when I was living out there?” Shawn stiffened and stared at her clenched hands, but she didn’t say anything. “You were, weren’t you? My God, Shawn, why didn’t you say something? We would’ve given you a place to stay!”

  “You guys were so successful, and I was such a loser and I knew there was no way you’d want someone like me staying with you. I didn’t even consider it an option.”

  “Why would you think such a thing? I’ve never thought of you as a loser! My God, I feel awful. I didn’t know, Shawn. I would have offered had I known.”

  “I realize that now.” Shawn finally lifted her head and met Jaymi’s eyes, despite feeling even more ashamed now. She was on a roll, so she might as well tell her the rest. “Jaymi, it gets worse. After I lost that last job at the restaurant, I met this guy from a record company. Warren Brinkman. He saw me play, promised me he could get me a recording deal. He showed me his credentials and everything. He set up an appointment for me to meet him at this restaurant so we could go over the paperwork and sign contracts and so forth. I thought it was odd that we didn’t meet at his office, you know, with a lawyer or an agent or something, but hey, what did I know? By then, I didn’t care what it took. I was broke, homeless, and I was starving. I hadn’t eaten a decent meal in a month. I told him I’d sign wherever he wanted me to sign. But there was one catch.” Shawn coughed, clearing her throat as she choked out her next words. “He said I had to give him something first.”

  “Come here,” Jaymi said in a near whisper, giving her a gentle tug. Shawn moved next to her and couldn’t believe she was letting herself cry on Jaymi’s shoulder. With Jaymi’s arm wrapped around her, she actually felt safe again. Almost completely safe. Almost. She had yet to tell her everything. But still, it was safer than she had felt in a long time.

  Shawn wiped her sleeve across her nose. “He said I had to sleep with him. And, oh God, I can’t believe I’m going to tell you this, but I was gonna do it, Jaymi. We left the restaurant and I followed him to this motel. He was lying on the bed waiting for me. I started to unbutton my shirt, and I thought I was going to throw up. I’ve only slept with a guy once, and I hated it. But at least I liked that guy and I was in high school when that happened. But this creep…I told him I wanted to freshen up first, ’cause I needed to buy some time to work up my nerve. Well, I took one look at myself in the mirror and I hated myself. I really hated myself. I stood there asking myself, What have I become? I know that sounds corny, but that’s really what I thought. In the few minutes I was in there, I changed my mind. I knew I had at least one ounce of self-respect left and I knew I had to get out of there. When I came out, he had poured us each a glass of wine. I took one sip, to calm my nerves a little, and I told him forget it and grabbed my coat and started to leave. He was pissed. He grabbed me by the wrist, so hard I thought he’d break it and I’d never play again, and then he threw me on the bed and climbed on top of me and held me down. When I struggled, he punched me in the face—”

  “Oh my God, Shawn. He hit you?”

  Once again the tears flowed, and she felt her body shaking as the memory swept through her. “He tried to rape me, Jaymi. He tried to rape me.” Jaymi squeezed her tighter. “I kept telling him to get off me, and he laughed and said that I asked for it, and he was gonna give me what I asked for. I got an arm free and I grabbed the lamp on the table next to the bed. I swung it as hard as I could and hit him in the head, and then I got the hell outta there.”

  “You killed him?” Jaymi’s eyes were wide.

  “No, I made sure he was alive. At least, he was alive when I left, I’m sure of it. I could see him breathing. I left that night, and I headed back here and never looked back.”

  They sat in silence for a few minutes, and then Jaymi asked, “You didn’t go to the police?”

  “The police? And tell them what? That I agreed to sleep with this guy to further my career but I suddenly changed my mind?”

  “No, I mean, what he did to you, it’s a crime. What if he comes after you? What if he calls the police and says you assaulted him?”

  Shawn shook her head violently. “No way. What’s he going to say? That he promises music contracts in exchange for sex? No way. I’m just glad to be here. Away from that asshole and away from that place. The whole godforsaken town.”

  She got up and went to the bathroom. She splashed cold water on her face and tried to quell the need to vomit. In a way it was good to have it all out in the open. She thought about that weird feeling of being followed and wondered if she should mention it, but like she’d told Jaymi, there was no way the guy would come after her, let alone be able to find her when she’d gone clear across the country. She steeled herself to face Jaymi and returned to the bedroom.

  “So see? You sure you want such a loser staying with you?” Shawn shrugged, her guard back up, ready for the rejection she was about to face.

  “Loser? Brinkman is the loser.”

  Shawn couldn’t hold back her smile, but it quickly faded. “But I said I would sleep with him. I was willing to—”

  “So what? It doesn’t make it right, what he did to you.”

  “But what about the women I slept with? I used them.”

  Jaymi placed her hand on Shawn’s shoulder. “You were alone, and desperate, and scared,” she whispered. “I know that’s not who you are, Shawn. Sometimes we do crazy things when we’re in desperate situations. It doesn’t mean someone’s a bad person.”

  “How do you know that’s not who I am? You’re probably seei
ng red flags swarming all over me now.”

  Jaymi laughed and shook her head. “No, I don’t. You wouldn’t have told me all this if that were the case, you’d still be living that way.” She wiped a tear from Shawn’s cheek and then playfully tousled her hair.

  “But how do you know I’m not using you, too?” asked Shawn, a chill running up her spine from Jaymi’s touch. Or was it from the fear of rejection she was still fighting off?

  “I’ve heard your music.”

  “Huh?”

  “You heard me. It’s in your songs. There’s a purity in your lyrics, and honesty when you sing. I know you better than you think I do.”

  Shawn shook her head. “How can you be so willing to just accept someone like me into your home, Jaymi? I mean, you didn’t know me all that well to begin with, and now that you do, you’re still okay with me. I don’t get it.”

  Jaymi squeezed Shawn’s hand. “My parents taught me to be kind, Shawn. You fell on hard times and didn’t have anyone to help you. Do you think those women you slept with didn’t use you, too? Didn’t they get something out of it as well?”

  “I guess I never thought of it that way. I was just so aware of why I was in bed with them, you know?” Shawn thought back to the various women and considered what Jaymi said. She’d picked them up at bars, not book readings. They were out for a hook-up, and that was what Shawn had given them. The fact that it meant she hadn’t needed to sleep in her car and that she got an occasional hot shower out of it in the bargain didn’t mean they didn’t get what they wanted in the process. Suddenly the knot in her stomach loosened a bit.

  Jaymi gave Shawn’s face a light caress, wiping away the last of the tears. “Sometimes life really sucks, Shawn. And it sucks worse for some people than others. We all do what we need to in order to keep going. But beating yourself up, blaming yourself for other people’s actions, that’s just self-torture. Let it go, and be the person you want to be.” She got up and went to the door. “Shout if you need me. We’d better get some sleep.”

  Shawn watched her, perplexed and relieved. She’d told Jaymi the worst of it, and she still had a place to live and, maybe, a true friend. She’d been so convinced she’d be out on her ass again, she wasn’t sure how to process the fact that nothing had changed.