Songs Unfinished

by Holly Stratimore

  “It’s so hard. Did you know she’s living with Randi?”

  “Yes.”

  Jaymi grabbed the counter behind her, suddenly woozy. Devin was up and by her side in a heartbeat.

  “Hey, you okay? Have you eaten today?”

  “No. Just coffee.”

  “Sit down.” Devin settled Jaymi into a chair and opened the refrigerator. It was nearly empty. “Let’s go. I’m taking you out for breakfast.”

  “You don’t have to do that.”

  Devin rested her hands on Jaymi’s shoulders, looking intensely into Jaymi’s eyes. “You’re right, I don’t have to,” she said softly. “You’re my friend, and I’m going to take care of you whether you like it or not.”

  Jaymi sighed and rested her head in her hands. If only everything was so simple.

  *

  “I let her down.” Shawn sat in LaKeisha’s office. She had just poured out everything that had happened.

  “How so? You didn’t know who she was.”

  “That doesn’t seem to matter to Jaymi.”

  LaKeisha looked at her intently and steepled her hands beneath her chin. “So what are you going to do about it?”

  “What can I do? I blew it.”

  “Shawn, you’re only human.”

  “Well, that’s comforting,” Shawn replied. “I’ll just tell her that. I’m sure all will be forgiven.”

  “Everyone makes mistakes. Hasn’t anyone ever let you down before?”

  Shawn immediately thought of her father. “That’s different.”

  “Why is it different? Why should you hold yourself to a higher standard? Why should Jaymi hold you to a higher standard? Do you honestly think you can go through life in a relationship and never let your partner down, ever? No one is perfect. And if Jaymi thinks she’ll find a lover who will never let her down, she’s in for a very lonely life.”

  “But…”

  “But what? If she can’t find a way to forgive you, then you have to move on. It’s her loss.”

  “Her loss? Her loss? Are you serious? With all the women out there who want her? Trust me, she can do better than me.”

  “Shawn, you are just as worthy of being loved as she is. Give yourself credit. Think about how far you have come in the last few months. Don’t let this one setback negate everything else you have accomplished. You should be very proud of yourself.”

  Shawn stared at the candle burning on a shelf behind LaKeisha until the flame blurred. The room was too warm, but Shawn felt chilled to the bone. “I hear everything you’re saying, but I don’t feel very proud of anything right now.”

  “Give it time. Give Jaymi time, too. In the meantime, I want you to focus on you, and only you. Not on Jaymi. Not on the past. Not on what you may have lost. I want you to focus on what you need right now as an individual.”

  “You mean, like my career?”

  “Exactly. Your day job, your music, your career, and—most importantly—your worth as a human being, with or without Jaymi. You need to stand on your own, whether you’re in a relationship or not. Because if you can’t, then even if you do get back together, no amount of love for each other can fill the love you each need to feel for yourselves.”

  Shawn closed her eyes and let the tears fall silently. She knew the advice was solid. But without Jaymi, even her career felt empty. How do I keep going?

  Chapter Twenty-six

  A month passed. June had rolled around with its thick green foliage, plush lawns, clear blue skies, and warming sun. Passion Play was almost finished recording their album, which was scheduled for release in the fall. Lance was aggressively booking them for two to three gigs every week all over New England.

  Nikki had insisted that Jaymi forget about her admission, telling her it was her problem and she would deal with it and put it aside for the sake of the band, as a true professional should. When Jaymi tried to get Nikki to talk about it, she was shut down, again and again. It was as though Nikki knew Jaymi didn’t love her in return, but couldn’t possibly stand to hear it out loud. Rehearsals were often awkward. Fortunately, once the band was onstage, the tension dissipated and they were able to focus on performing. The music, as always, played its role as healer.

  Jaymi discreetly kept tabs on Shawn’s career through Lance. Shawn had had no news yet from the record company, but Lance was still hopeful and had been booking Shawn for paid gigs in venues all over the region. She was glad for Shawn’s growing success, but it tore her apart that she was no longer part of it.

  Every Saturday and Sunday morning, Jaymi awoke early, despite her exhaustion from her busy weeks and late-night shows. Trying to go back to sleep proved fruitless. Inevitably, she would fall out of bed, put on a pot of coffee, and sit at the piano. She would sip her coffee and peck out the notes of her unfinished tribute to her mother as the lyrics sat before her, mocking her, begging for completion, awaiting that elusive burst of inspiration that still wouldn’t come. She would check the time. Play a little more. Check the time. Sing a little. Check the time. Play a little more. At ten fifteen, she would begrudgingly slide off the bench and scold herself for scuffling to the window hoping for a glimpse of Shawn. She was angry at herself for her weakness, but still she couldn’t stop.

  And there Shawn was, doing her daily work for Alice just as she said she would. She’d shed her winter garb long ago in favor of jeans and a T-shirt. Her rusty-brown mop flowed in the breeze. Her skin glowed. Her reluctant smile would emerge when she saw Jaymi in the window, before she moved on.

  Shawn’s sadness might have been well hidden to the unknowing eye, but Jaymi knew better. The sadness had no mercy. She suffered it every minute of the day as well. Why couldn’t she get past this pain and welcome Shawn back into her life?

  *

  Randi climbed into the passenger side of Shawn’s car, grinning. “I thought you’d never get here—those chores took forever. It’s a long ride to Boston. Are you sure you want me tagging along?”

  “You think I want to play my first gig at the Paradise without a single person I know in the audience for support? This is the biggest place I’ve ever played. Look at me, I’m a nervous wreck.” Shawn held out her hand palm down. It was visibly shaking. Randi took the hand in hers and brought it to her lips. “Hey!” Shawn exclaimed, whisking her hand away. She launched a playful tap on Randi’s cheek in a phony slap.

  “Sorry. Second nature for me.”

  “You promised—no flirting.”

  “I know, I know. But with me that’s like telling a wolf he can’t howl at a full moon. You know I don’t mean anything by it.”

  “I know. Sorry.”

  “It’s hard enough that you’re living under my roof.”

  Shawn started the car and fastened her seat belt. “Yeah. In the basement.”

  “Hey, now. It’s a finished basement. And you’ve got the whole damn floor to yourself so you can ham on that rocking new guitar of yours as loud as you want.”

  Shawn burst out laughing. “It’s jam, not ham, you knucklehead.”

  “Well, you are a bit of a ham when you play it, so I think the term still applies.”

  “You’re a jerk.”

  “I know. We going or what?”

  Shawn grinned and shifted into gear. Living with Randi had turned out to be pretty okay, although she ached for the home she’d created with Jaymi.

  *

  The audience wasn’t as large as Shawn had hoped, but at close to 300 people, it was more than enough to get her blood pumping. Randi had a front-row seat, and Lance stood off to the side of the stage watching his protégé protectively. After a ninety-minute performance, Shawn thanked the roaring crowd and took a final bow. She quickly exited stage left, simultaneously sorry and relieved it was over. She spotted Lance waiting for her wearing a huge smile.

  “I have great news.”

  But before he could continue, the crowd began to chant: One more song! One more song!

  Shawn’s eyes grew wide. “They want
an encore! What do I do?”

  “You give it to them, silly. Now don’t you disappoint your fans. Get back out there and give ’em one more song.”

  She gave them three. When the lights came up, Shawn’s burgeoning fan base finally gave up and began to shuffle its way to the exits. Most of them were taking the handout offered that listed Shawn’s upcoming gigs. Randi hustled backstage and greeted Shawn with a big hug.

  “Guess what?” Shawn was gushing. “Lance met a guy here that works for Sierra Sparks. Graham Paxton. He wants me—me—to be the opening act for her New England shows when she goes on tour this fall. Can you believe it?”

  “You’re fucking kidding me. She’s like the hottest singer out there right now. That’s great.”

  “He said the band that was originally hired broke up last month. This guy’s been checking out local talent to find a replacement. He told Lance that Sierra will love me and he’s sending her my demo and everything. Can you believe this? I can’t freaking believe this. I’m going on tour with Sierra Sparks!” Shawn was jumping up and down like a little kid. “I gotta tell Jaymi.”

  *

  “I never should have told you,” Nikki said. She had shown up unexpectedly that afternoon, but Jaymi didn’t really mind. Maybe they’d finally get to talk out the tension. Nikki sat stiffly on a bar stool, fiddling with a pile of junk mail, as Jaymi started a pot of coffee. “I’m sorry.”

  “I guess a part of me has always known. People tried to tell me, but I refused to see it.”

  “Really? You knew?”

  Jaymi leaned back against the counter and faced her. “You’re my best friend, Nikki. I never thought of you as more than that. I’m sorry—I know that hurts, but it’s the truth.”

  Nikki shrugged like she didn’t care. “What about the crush you had on me in school?”

  “That only lasted a couple months. I had just come out, you know how that is—you tend to fall for the first girl that brings you out of the closet. And really, when I think about it, it was never more than admiration. It still is. I do love you, Nikki. Just not that way.” She looked into Nikki’s eyes for a long moment until she couldn’t stand it anymore. She turned away and fixed their coffee, but remained standing on the opposite side of the bar when she returned. Nikki took a small sip and kept her eyes on the cup as she set it down.

  “I think you should give Shawn another chance.”

  Surprised at the change in the direction of the conversation, Jaymi looked at her incredulously.

  “I love you, Jaymi, and if that means letting you go so you can be happy, then so be it. You love her, and I’ve never seen you happier than when you two were together.”

  “I don’t know if I can—”

  “Look. It’s not her fault Peach was a lying cheater. I’ve seen you with Shawn. And as much as I didn’t want you two together, I can’t deny that she was good for you. I even tried…”

  She waited for Nikki to continue, but she remained silent. “What?”

  “Shit, Jaymi, I did something really stupid. But it was way back when she first got here and—fuck.” Nikki dropped her face into her hand and rubbed her brow. She looked up timidly and released a long breath. “It was me that put that marijuana in Shawn’s car. Randi was supposed to arrest her—but then you were in the car and it fucked up everything.”

  “I’m glad you finally told me.”

  Nikki’s eyes grew wide. “You knew?”

  Jaymi explained how she and Shawn had figured out the scheme, and her decision to forgo a confrontation in order to avoid a disruption to the band. As if relieved to have it out in the open, Nikki redirected the talk back to Shawn. “Anyway, in case you were wondering, Shawn and Randi are not sleeping together. In fact, they never have.”

  “Oh? Well, I didn’t think so,” Jaymi said, though she suspected her tone was less than convincing.

  “Randi said she’s living in her basement. She hardly comes up for air, just works on her music obsessively.” Nikki chuckled. “Randi’s frustrated—you know what a horny bitch she can be.”

  “So, you really think I owe Shawn another chance?”

  “Are you still in love with Peach?”

  “No.” The question seemed so absurd, Jaymi nearly laughed.

  “You sure?”

  “Of course I’m sure. I haven’t had feelings for Peach in a very long time.”

  “Do you believe Shawn is telling the truth? That she honestly didn’t know Peach was your girlfriend when she slept with her?”

  Jaymi closed her eyes and concentrated on her intuition. “Yes. I believe her.”

  Nikki enveloped both of Jaymi’s hands in hers and gave a gentle squeeze. Her eyes narrowed. “Then answer me this. Are you in love with Shawn?”

  Jaymi immediately felt her eyes well up as she held Nikki’s gaze.

  Nikki gently caressed her cheek and wiped a thumb under her left eye. “That’s what I thought.”

  Nikki rose, taking Jaymi by the hand and leading her to the couch, where she held her as she cried. When she had run dry, Nikki eased herself from the embrace and retrieved the tissue box from the piano.

  “Here’s what I think,” Nikki said, once Jaymi had blown her nose and composed herself. “You’re not pissed about Shawn sleeping with Peach.” Nikki arched her eyebrows and pointed her index finger skyward in a give-me-a-minute gesture. “You’re pissed because you can’t stand the thought of someone else sleeping with Shawn.”

  “Huh?”

  “You’re not hurting over someone sleeping with Peach—that’s old news, you’ve dealt with that already. You’re hurt because you’re jealous of Peach sleeping with your girlfriend. Your current girlfriend. Because it’s Shawn that you love, honey. Am I making any sense here?”

  “Oh my God.” Jaymi stood and paced the room. “You’re right. Nikki, you’re right. Every time I’ve imagined them in bed together, I’m heartbroken, not because I’m wishing Peach was making love to me—that’s what I used to do when I pictured Peach with Suri—but because Shawn’s supposed to be making love with me, not her. Oh shit, what if I’ve blown it? I’m such an idiot. I miss her so much it’s eating me alive.”

  “Then call her, damn it. Because you’re making us all miserable, and you’re going to spoil all the fun we’ll have when our first single comes out.”

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  Despite celebrating with Randi into the wee hours, Shawn forced herself out of bed early Sunday morning. She wanted to finish with the horses in time to catch Jaymi before she headed out for rehearsal. She hoped she wouldn’t mind if she stopped by for just a minute to share her good news.

  She completed her tasks ahead of schedule and stared at the stairway leading to Jaymi’s place. Slowly, she began to climb, cringing each time one of the steps creaked beneath her weight. What if she won’t see me? What if she doesn’t even open the door? She asked for time and I’ve given her a month. God, I miss her so much I want to crawl into a hole and die.

  She knocked gently and waited. And waited. She took three steps down, stopped, and went back up, rapping her knuckles on the door a little harder this time. Nothing. She headed back down again, only to reverse direction. She raised her fist to knock once more, didn’t, and turned and took one step down. After several deep breaths, she finally trudged down the thirteen steps and left.

  *

  Shawn leaned against the door, latching it shut with an unintentional slam, and tossed her keys and cell phone onto the kitchen table. After allowing her heavy bag to slip onto a chair, she picked up Randi’s note. It informed her that she was on second shift tonight, but she could help herself to leftover Chinese in the fridge. Maybe later. She had no appetite right now. She stared at her cell phone and ached to call Jaymi. And tell her what? That Graham Paxton had canceled on her at the last minute? That maybe her career wasn’t going as well as she thought it was? She’d been on such a high after that show, only to have this door slammed in her face. Although Lance had tried to r
eassure her that this was only a postponement and the meeting would be rescheduled, that didn’t make her feel any better. There was only one person who could comfort her tonight.

  She slumped into the easy chair. And so what if this did turn into her big break? Who was there to share it with her? She’d blown it with Jaymi. Blown it before it had even started.

  But how could she have known? Peach had lied to her. Well, no, not actually. Alex was her name, after all. But why suddenly ditch her nickname? Her skin crawled as she thought about that fateful night.

  Did Peach know who I was when she picked me up that night? And if she did, was it because she suspected Jaymi had feelings for me back then? Even subconsciously? Was Peach that perceptive? If that was the case, Peach was one vindictive bitch, Shawn concluded. Not that any of it matters now. She fidgeted in the chair; her pocket recorder was jabbing her inner thigh. She was about to stand up to remove it when the doorbell rang.

  Before she could open the door properly, it was slammed open, forcing her backward. When she saw who was in the doorway, every ounce of fear lodged in her throat.

  “I believe we have some unfinished business to tend to.” Warren Brinkman swiftly shoved her away from the door. He sharply grabbed Shawn by the left elbow and twisted. “Don’t we, Ms. Davies?”

  Shawn’s immediate fear was that he would break her arm with his crushing grip, jeopardizing her career, and for that reason alone, she refrained from resisting. Brinkman shoved the door shut with his foot. He pulled her closer, his eyes large as his evil grin spread.

  “Such a shame that Mr. Paxton had to cancel your appointment today, isn’t it?” Shawn’s jaw tightened as she pieced it together. She slipped her free hand into the pocket of her khakis. Her nimble fingers slid over the smooth plastic case of the recorder and pressed record.