Charlie Next Door

by Debashish Irengbam

  So here they were now, breathing deeply, suffering equally and trying hard to hold on to their weeping Inner Women in the burning hell of achy joints, cramped muscles and bladders that were crying out for relief.

  ‘Breathe in deeply, ladies,’ said the instructor. ‘Experience the beautiful enigma that is your body.’

  ‘Mine’s a bloody slaughterhouse right now,’ rasped Anupama. ‘Why did we have to do this in the middle of my period?’

  ‘Relax, it will only get easier after this,’ said Neena.

  It didn’t. For what followed next was a series of gravity-defying yoga poses that promised to stretch muscles in areas they didn’t even know existed. They would have given up at the first try, but the ease with which their Woman instructor performed each asana served as an effective guilt trip, along with her declaration that all elderly and physically invalid members were exempted from this exercise if they so wished. Mix that with the egos of three dehydrated women facing the looming shadow of menopause and you had an epic saga of determination, pain and revenge.

  ‘I will get you for this if it’s the last thing I do,’ swore Renu, looking daggers at Neena.

  ‘I’m doing this for you, you ungrateful witch,’ grumbled Neena, as she twisted painfully in an attempt to grab her right ankle with her left hand.

  ‘Do you think I would be eligible for a refund if my kidney burst halfway through?’ asked Anupama.

  ‘So, he actually told his mother about you, huh?’ Neena asked her, gasping in her pose.

  ‘We are not discussing that.’

  ‘Yes, we are. I need a distraction,’ she croaked. ‘What are you going to do now?’

  ‘What can I do? If I back out now, it will only make things worse.’

  ‘It’s a strategy,’ said Renu, bending forward as sweat beads dripped off her forehead onto the floor.

  ‘What do you mean?’ said Anupama, attempting to follow suit as her tendons screamed in agony.

  ‘Oldest trick in the book. His mother will see you, disapprove, and the next day, you will get a call from him that he can’t go against his mother’s wishes. Classic escapist ploy.’

  ‘We don’t know what she’s going to feel yet,’ said Neena.

  ‘’Course we do.’

  ‘Gee, thanks, buddy,’ said Anupama coldly.

  ‘I’m just laying out the facts here. What was your first reaction when you found out Misha was seeing this older lecturer of hers?’

  ‘It might have taken me some time, yes, but I did accept it eventually.’

  ‘You mean after she caught you making out with Charlie?’

  ‘We weren’t making out!’

  ‘No one goes to Bandra fort for the scenery, darling.’

  Three sharp claps brought their attention back to the instructor. Her zen expression had been replaced by a rather severe one as she glowered at them.

  The class progressed to the Warrior pose with the three friends in the last row wobbling on their knees.

  ‘I think it’s sweet of him. How many guys would introduce their partners to their mothers if they weren’t serious about it?’ said Neena. ‘I, for one, didn’t meet Hiten’s mother until a week before the wedding.’

  ‘They were in Namibia.’

  ‘Wouldn’t have killed them to book their tickets earlier. Can you believe they just gave us an Oven-Toaster-Grill for our wedding? What did she expect me to do with that? Open a bakery for our daily expenses?’

  ‘Let’s just focus on one issue at a time,’ said Renu, raising her arms over her head with the others. ‘So, what’s your strategy, Anu?’

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘What do you mean nothing?’

  ‘I was just thinking I will be myself.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘What do you mean “why”?’

  ‘I mean why would you do that? I thought you wanted this to work.’

  ‘I do!’

  ‘Then trust me, the last thing you would want to be is yourself.’

  ‘Wow, this pregnancy is really bringing out the best side of you.’

  ‘I’m serious, Anu! This is going to be one of the most judgmental, nerve-racking and challenging experiences of your life. Imagine an interview where the interviewer has made up his mind that he is going to hate you before you even enter the office.’

  ‘She has a point,’ conceded Neena. ‘Every mother thinks her son is the most unique piece of manhood to walk the earth. And in the case of someone like Charlie, let’s just say the stakes get a bit higher. I mean, where did he get those eyes from?’

  ‘How do you know that? You haven’t even met him yet.’

  ‘I saw the pictures Renu sent us.’

  ‘Who’s us? What pictures?’

  ‘You’re not in the group?’

  ‘What group?’

  ‘I think I’m going to be sick,’ moaned Renu.

  ‘Renu!’

  ‘No seriously, I think I’m getting my first bout of morning sickness!’ She raised her hand to get the trainer’s attention. ‘Where’s the toilet?’

  ‘Ladies—’

  ‘Oh, fuck your “ladies”, I’m about to puke!’

  ‘Last door on the right.’

  Fortunately, there happened to be a café nearby that fulfilled all of the pre-conditions that Renu had laid out for sitting in – namely, a steady supply of chocolate truffle pastries and ginger lemon tea, a complete absence of cinnamon in their menu (she had just started to abhor the smell), and a separate, readily accessible bathroom for ladies on the ground floor. The fact that the head waiter was cute and the manager a desi look-alike of Harrison Ford served as an added bonus for the trio as they sat down at a table facing the aquarium, in the hopes that the fish would have a calming effect on their flushed friend.

  ‘Why would you have an aquarium in a café?’ cried Renu irritably, glowering at the catfish snuffling innocently in the slime within the glass cage. ‘It’s so stupid. What if someone orders a tuna sandwich? Fucking lack of sensitivity towards our fellow creatures.’

  ‘They are omnivorous. They eat other fish. They would probably eat the tuna if you offered it to them,’ said Neena soothingly.

  ‘Can you please stop talking about fish? I’m nauseated enough as it is,’ snapped Renu.

  ‘But you starte—’ began Neena, when a quelling glance from Anupama silenced her.

  Much to their relief, the chocolate truffles arrived just then, and the next few minutes of Renu’s attention were spent devouring the pastries until not a crumb remained on any of the three plates. Only when she was done did she turn to look at her rather anxious friends, their ginger lemon tea untouched as yet.

  ‘Look, I know I’ve been a bit of a head case lately, but this situation isn’t something I was prepared for, to say the least. So, suffice it to say that every moment that I’m not eating or pissing or puking, I’m freaking out.’

  ‘We understand, honey,’ said Anupama, patting her knee.

  ‘You’re sure you don’t want to tell us who the father is, though?’ asked Neena.

  Renu shook her head. ‘Trust me, there’s no point. Neither of us had any intentions of settling down with each other, and it wouldn’t be fair if I thrust this responsibility upon him.’

  ‘But shouldn’t he at least know?’

  ‘I told you, there’s no point.’

  Neena was about to pursue the topic further when a well-aimed kick from Anupama’s foot beneath the table deterred her. Pursing her lips, she excused herself to go to the bathroom and limped away.

  ‘Don’t mind her. She’s just trying to be helpful,’ said Anupama, the moment she had gone.

  ‘He knows,’ said Renu tonelessly, sipping her tea.

  ‘Sorry?’

  ‘The guy. He knows. I told him.’

  ‘You did? Then why—’

  ‘Because he’s not an option. And that is why I’m asking you to be careful with Charlie.’

  It took Anupama a moment to understand the correlation.
‘Oh, Renu.’

  ‘It’s not that big an age difference, to be honest with you. He’s thirty-one. I’d met him at a textiles conference last year in Bangalore and we’ve been meeting up over the months whenever he visited. He’s not even from the city. And honestly, it’s not like I need him in my life anyway. I’m fully capable of handling this on my own. Besides, I was honest when I said the thing with him wasn’t supposed to be romantic in the first place. I’m not in love with him, and given a choice, this probably wouldn’t have been my preferred course in life either. But it has happened, and now, I don’t know, I feel like I want to see it through.’ She placed her hand softly on her belly. ‘In its own way, it feels like it was meant to be, you know.’

  ‘So, you really don’t want him to be involved?’

  ‘I don’t. I told him just so he would know. He made his stance abundantly clear to me, so I said fuck you very much and went my way. You know how men are – they always think there’s a lot out there to be explored before they settle down. The only reason I haven’t told Neena is because I know the moment she hears this she will take out a morcha in my name, and command him to take full responsibility. She may think it’s justice, but honestly, I’d rather stay on my own happily than be with a wimp who shits bricks at the thought of this miracle.’

  Anupama clasped her hand firmly. ‘I’m with you.’

  Renu smiled, pressing her hand back.

  ‘And that’s why you have been so wary of Charlie,’ said Anupama.

  ‘Honestly, it’s you I am wary about. I know you, honey. I know you enough to know how hard you’re falling for this guy. And the one thing which scares me more than the thought of this baby emerging from my body someday, is the thought of that guy breaking your heart if it doesn’t work out. I’m all for you finding someone, but – don’t you think it would be better if it was someone … I don’t know, more…’

  ‘Stable? Like Rajeev?’ asked Anupama pointedly.

  ‘Those were different times.’

  ‘And we were different people. We made our decisions, and we lived through them. So why repeat the same mistakes? I know it’s a risk, but isn’t it time I took one? Just for myself?’

  Renu stared at her, speechless.

  ‘Sorry I took so long!’ trilled Neena, re-appearing. ‘The loo was such a mess. I had them clean and disinfect it twice over before I deigned to step in. So … another round of chocolate truffles?’

  Renu and Anupama nodded, getting back to their teas with just a tiny glance of understanding at each other, as they felt their Inner Women embrace each other in a warm hug of mutual support and solidarity.

  25

  On Wednesday evening, between half past four and five, in a suburban, high-rise apartment building in the Nungambakkam district of Chennai, a woman was stabbed to death in a crime of passion by her next-door neighbour.

  On Thursday morning, a printout of the news article reporting the crime was put up on the bulletin board of the A, B and C blocks of Atharva Hari Cooperative Housing Society. Right next to the article was a notice stating that to prevent tragedies of a similar nature, all floors of the residential blocks would now be equipped with CCTV cameras to note the comings and goings of not just the visitors but the neighbours as well, just to be on the safe side. The first floor to have this surveillance installed would be the seventh floor of the C block, whose residents included Mr (late) Rajeev Arora and family, and others. The notice included a special note of thanks from the governing body to Mrs Mehtani for coming up with this noble idea, keeping in mind the safety of her fellow residents.

  On Saturday morning, Renu drove into the premises of Atharva Hari and parked her car in the residential parking slot allotted to C-703 via the permission of its owner, Mrs Anupama Arora. Upon being asked the purpose of her visit, she replied that she had just taken on the project of renovating the flat of a certain Mr Charlie, who lived in flat C-704. She was an interior designer by profession, and would require the assistance of her colleague, Anupama, in this project, which would begin every day at 9.30 a.m. and carry on until however long it took to complete it.

  And thus, the universal gesture (a royal middle finger) was shown to the watchful eyes of whomsoever it may have concerned as Anupama blithely strolled in and out of Charlie’s apartment for ‘research purposes’ as the CCTV camera sullenly recorded her walking to and fro between the two apartments day after day. The surveillance footage was there, but what good was it when you couldn’t question the activities recorded? Of course, had anyone bothered to check, they would have probably found it odd that even after seven days of regular visits by Renu and Anupama, barely a curtain had changed in Charlie’s place. But then, that would have required another impromptu inspection, and after the failed pest control ambush, even Mrs Mehtani had run out of excuses to make another innocent visit.

  However, the Chinese whispers had begun swinging with Tarzan-like ease through the grapevine across the micro-cosmic arrangements of tea-gatherings, kitty-parties and walkers’ groups. Mrs Mehtani made sure of that. Rumours began to fly of the growing friendship between the reticent Mrs Arora and her hunky neighbour next door. No one had the guts to say it out loud yet, mostly because a lot of them had as little faith in Mrs Mehtani’s gossip as in the charitable causes that knocked on their doors for donations every Navratri, and also because they still owed a tiny amount of gratitude to Charlie for introducing them to the joys of a far more flattering reflection in their mirrors than they were used to. However, the idea of something so naughty and scandalous happening right under their noses was too tempting to dismiss, especially when they played over the various titillating possibilities without admitting it to anyone. Some sniggered, some sighed, and a small minority even wondered what was it that Mrs Arora had that they didn’t. It’s not even like she was the tallest or the thinnest or the prettiest one around. And in terms of social skills and emotional baggage – the lesser said the better. What a mismatch – a few remarked to themselves every time they saw Charlie strutting about the premises from the corners of their eyes. What an upgrade – others mused, remembering the diminutive, unsmiling Mr Arora, who always smelt of the same Amla oil brand and wore identical-looking checked cotton shirts bought in bulk discount during festival seasons. What luck, they all universally agreed without exception.

  Small wonder Mrs Arora was participating in the Monsoon Goddess this year, they all concluded. Love gave you wings – wasn’t that the expression? Or was it really love to begin with? It had been two years of abstinence, after all…

  And all through these what ‘if’s and ‘maybe’s and probably’s, one thing that was definitely happening was a spicing up of Anupama and Charlie’s love lives in more ways than one. She hadn’t even known what a 69 was, much to his surprise. And then, there were the other terms and positions he had to gently introduce her to without freaking her out, while dealing with the struggle to keep the lights on whenever they had sex. Why did Indian women have such a huge issue in admitting the virtues of nudity and pornography? Charlie wondered. Or was it only her?

  Daytime was another matter, when they would retire to the bedroom while Renu sat out in the living room, waiting patiently and working on her laptop. The initial few times had been queasy, as Anupama found it discomfiting to have her friend at such close proximity during her intimate moments, but gradually, the routine set in, and so did her comfort level. Besides, beggars couldn’t be choosers. She had to admire Charlie’s commitment as well; he had moved to the evening shift at his salon to accommodate their daytime trysts. The curtains in his bedroom windows would be shut tight every time, not allowing the least trickle of daylight in (not that there was much, thanks to the incessantly wet and grey weather outside), almost as if she were afraid of a spy drone hovering right outside their window, waiting to transmit the first compromising visual it could capture.

  ‘You know, you could at least remove the newspapers from your kitchen window now,’ said Charlie, as they lay in be
d, entwined in each other’s arms. ‘It would be nice to watch you as I cook. May even increase the nutritional value of the food.’

  ‘You barely cook.’

  ‘I was talking about the weekends, or nights. You could wear that sexy pink nightie of yours, and I could wear – well, whatever you want me to wear. We could check each other out while frying our onions and kneading our dough.’

  ‘Mmm, you really know how to turn a woman on.’

  ‘We could even talk on the phone to spice things up a bit, if you know what I mean,’ he went on excitedly. ‘I could show you something, you could show me something…’

  ‘You know I have two kids living with me, right?’

  ‘The best pleasures come with a certain degree of risk.’

  ‘No, thank you. Besides, have you seen the way it’s been raining? It would be impossible to see anything clearly.’

  ‘Oh, come on,’ he said, lifting the covers to give her a peek of his manhood, which was impressively ready for action again. ‘You really doubt its visibility?’

  ‘What I doubt is its life span if my son ever spots you flashing that at me. Besides, why settle for a blurry view when I can get a close up so easily?’ she said, reaching down and stroking him in that way he loved.