Fluorescence: The Complete Tetralogy

by P. Anastasia

  Black and brown cows moseyed along in the distance. Some sprawled out on the ground, sunbathing. Others mindlessly chomped away at the grass. A few little calves—about the size of German Shepherds—bounded playfully in circles around their mothers.

  I smiled.

  “Hey.” Kareena turned toward me.

  “Hey. So, did everything go okay with the manager?” I asked.

  “Yeah,” she replied, wrinkling her lips to the side. “It went okay. I mean… I didn’t have any trouble getting a room or whatever but the guy’s a total perve.”

  “Oh?” I ran my finger over a smooth section of the barbed wire fence and gently prodded at one of the barbed knots down the line.

  “He freaking tried to hit on me.” She scoffed. “He tried to hit on me and he wouldn’t stop staring at my boobs. I mean, seriously. Back off, Grandpa.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that.” I returned my focus to her. “He was a little creepy.”

  She was wearing the same skimpy black-lace skirt and burgundy tank top from yesterday—not that she had any other alternatives—so no wonder the manager had gotten the wrong idea.

  “You might have to start dressing down a little around here. Maybe a bit more conservatively even?”

  “Damn.” She shook her head. “It’s bad enough we’re in the boonies out here. I have to dress like a hick, too?”

  “Well, no, but…”

  “Yeah. I get it. Get off my ass, Brian. I’m in no mood for this.”

  “Sorry.” I brushed some crumpled dead leaves from the top of a nearby tree stump and sat down. “I’m a little on edge, too.”

  Kareena took a step closer. “So… you and Alice. You guys okay?”

  “Yeah. Why?” I squinted. “It’s not really your business.”

  “I know. I’m just asking. You’ve been under a lot of pressure and she doesn’t seem like she’s taking it very well.”

  “We’re fine. Don’t worry about us.”

  “Okay. Whatever. Sorry I asked.” She turned back toward the pasture.

  I watched some calves prancing back and forth, bucking and jumping at each other. Oblivious to the outside world.

  It’s ironic how in movies, cows so often get abducted and dissected by aliens.

  In movies.

  But not in real life. Not in our lives. We were the ones being picked apart.

  “Hey, Kareena?” I shuffled toward the edge of the tree stump and picked at a piece of loose bark peeling up on the edge.

  “What is it?”

  “About Alice… have you noticed anything different about her since you got here? I know it’s only been a few hours, but still.”

  “If by different you mean she’s not glued to you, then yeah.”

  “You noticed that, too?”

  “I noticed she’s not hanging all over you like she usually is, if that’s what you’re trying to ask me. It’s probably stress. Maybe she can’t handle it like you can. Or, maybe she just…” Her voice trailed off.

  “Just… what?”

  “Maybe she doesn’t want to be here. You ever thought about that?”

  Didn’t… want to be where? With me? Is that what Kareena was hinting at?

  The idea crushed me.

  Sure, we had marched out on Jane abruptly, but I thought Alice had trusted my decision. I’d done it for both of our sakes. We’d needed to get out of there. We’d needed to move on.

  I didn’t do this for myself. I did it for us.

  “Brian?” Kareena bent down and looked me in the eye. “You asked me what I thought, and I told you. But don’t let it get to you. I can’t do this without you, you know. You have to stay strong for me, too.”

  . . .

  “Alice? We need to talk.” I slammed the motel door shut behind me and locked the deadbolt. Alice jerked her face up from a brochure she’d been reading while sitting on the bed.

  “Brian? What’s wrong?”

  “Don’t bother getting up.”

  She plopped her feet onto the floor and stood. “What is it? Tell me what’s wrong.”

  “So now you care?” I reached toward her shoulders and she staggered back, frightened. “Look! You’re doing it again. Pulling away from me.”

  “Brian, what are you talking about? I don’t understand.”

  “Kareena was right. Do you even want to be here? With me?”

  “Of course I do, Brian. But I’m just—”

  “Exactly. There’s always a ‘but.’ You can’t just admit that what I did was the right thing, can you? You can’t even thank me for putting my own ass on the line for you. You haven’t shown me a sliver of gratitude for any of it.” I grasped her forearms. “You can’t keep pushing me away.” Her legs bumped against the edge of the mattress and then she tumbled onto the wrinkled up sheets.

  “You don’t get it, do you?” I bounded onto the bed and crawled up over her. She tried to scramble out from under me, but I straddled her legs and wrapped my fingers around her wrists, forcing her arms back by the sides of her head.

  “Brian? What are you doing?!” Her eyes glistened. “I don’t understand. Why—”

  “You’ve been acting like a goddamn child for far too long.” I squeezed her wrists a little tighter. She flinched and sucked in a shuddering breath. “You’re repulsed by me. Like I’m a horrible mistake you can’t stand to admit.” I took a breath and broke eye contact with her for a moment. “I’ve been trying to tell myself that you just need some space and that I should let it go, but I can’t.” I looked down at her again. “I won’t let you treat me like this. We’re in this together. You’re not the only one having a hard time.”

  I pulled her left hand up so she had to face the ring I’d given her. “Do you even remember why you accepted this? Because you used to… want me.”

  “Brian,” she muttered, her lip quivering. “Stop this.”

  “Do you remember back when you texted me because you couldn’t stand another second without me? When you wanted me so much you almost gave in and we… But, no. You were so worried about what your mom thought of you that you couldn’t make your own decisions. You couldn’t decide what you wanted. What you needed.” I put her arm down and pressed it into the bed, crouching down even closer over her.

  “Stop, please. You’re hurting me.” She squirmed and tried to wriggle her arms out of my grasp.

  I wouldn’t let go.

  She trembled beneath me. Something she once did passionately… not fearfully.

  Never fearfully.

  I brought my lips to the side of her neck and exhaled.

  “You used to need me, Alice.” I breathed the words against her skin. “What changed?”

  She squeezed her eyes shut and turned her face away. “This isn’t you. Please don’t…”

  I scoffed.

  Seriously?

  “I would never ever force you to do anything!” I pushed her arms deeper into the mattress and then released her abruptly. “The fact that you even thought for one second that I would, disgusts me.” I hopped off the bed and marched toward the door. “Stop being so goddamn selfish and think about me once in a while. What I’ve given up to be here. And what we’ve been through together. Think about that.”

  I left, slamming the door behind me.

  I needed air.

  Space.

  Anything to clear my head of that fearful look in her eyes.

  I walked to the edge of the parking lot and sat down on an old prickly wood pallet. It creaked and bowed a little beneath my weight but held up.

  Alice actually thought I would force something on her?

  How could she even think that? I love her.

  Damn it, Alice. Damn it!

  I heard movement and lifted my face, hoping it was her but…

  Kareena knelt beside me.

  “Is everything okay?” She bit her lip.

  “Yeah. Sure. I… Never mind.” I drove my hands th
rough my hair and groaned.

  She sat down, her hip pressing against mine, and rested a hand on my knee.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” she asked, walking her fingers up my leg. Bright red nails lightly scratched against my jeans.

  “No.” I exhaled loudly.

  She rested her head against my shoulder.

  “I know how you feel,” she whispered, so close to my neck, I felt her warm breath on my skin. “I know exactly how you feel.”

  “Do you really?” I stared off into the distance, focused on nothing. I doubted she could ever understand how I actually…

  “Brian?”

  I turned and looked her in the eye, our noses almost touching. She gazed up at me through ebony lashes and cracked a smile.

  “I’m here for you… if you need me. If you need anything, I mean.” She pressed her fingertips deeper, sliding them up toward my thigh. Her eyebrows rose.

  I swallowed hard and a lump caught in my throat.

  She had this look in her eyes. This I’ll-sleep-with-you-and-we-don’t-have-to-tell-anyone look.

  But I’d seen it before. More times than I had wished to.

  And in a way, I couldn’t blame her. With the fluorescence threatening to burst her head every time she flirted with a regular guy, it had to be hard for someone like her—someone who made a hobby out of sleeping around.

  “I know you care about me, Kareena,” I said. She glanced at my lips. “I’ve seen it in your eyes. But…”

  She brushed a hand across my jaw line. Warm fingertips sliding over my face. My eyelids drew closed against my will and I exhaled.

  Maybe it wasn’t so bad—her wanting me.

  At least someone did.

  But all she wanted from me was…

  Fingernails tickled the back of my neck and I opened my eyes. Her woodsy green irises glimmered with longing. Her hand crawled toward my waist. She tangled two fingers around my belt and tugged gently, inching closer. Her shallow breaths rising and falling in her chest. So near, I could feel the heat of her body—the intense craving she had for me.

  And for one goddamn second, I thought about it.

  I almost considered her blatant offer. Considered saying to hell with the rest of the world and humoring Kareena. Knowing how desperately she wanted to please me with her twisted little fantasy, it probably would have been freaking amazing.

  But it would have ended right there.

  It wouldn’t change things. It wouldn’t extinguish the fire building inside—the need to have Alice back. My Alice.

  I didn’t love Kareena. Maybe I’d grown to care about her, but I didn’t want her.

  I couldn’t. Not the way I wanted—needed—Alice.

  “This is just a game to you.” I pushed her hand away. “I’m not that desperate, Kareena.”

  It wasn’t about sex. It was about having the girl I loved with me the way she had been before—back when she wasn’t filled with so much fear. Before every minute threatened our very existence. Back when I’d embrace her and she’d melt into me, trusting me completely.

  Back when I knew she needed me in her life.

  Now she recoiled. Annoyed by my every word and action.

  “You can’t win this one,” I said. “So save your energy and drop it. I’m with Alice. Only Alice.” I pushed up off the pallet and headed back toward the motel.

  “Have fun with your little girl!” Kareena called after me, snarkily.

  I clenched my teeth and turned. “Have fun being alone.”

  Her jaw dropped and she huffed, crossing her arms and looking away. She let out a loud, frustrated groan as I walked away.

  Chapter 33

  From outside, I heard sobbing beyond the door. I shoved the key into the knob, turned it until it clicked and released the lock, then eased the door open.

  At that moment I couldn’t have hated myself any more.

  Alice lay curled up in the fetal position, quaking, crying her eyes out on the bed. A mountain of tissues balled up on the floor. I approached slowly and climbed onto the bed. My weight sunk into the mattress and she let out a muffled whimper.

  “Alice?” I scooted up behind her, resting my fingers onto her bare shoulder. I kissed her arm and she cringed.

  What have I done?

  “I’m sorry, Alice.” I kissed her cheek, tasting salty tears. “I am so damn sorry.” Her skin trembled beneath my fingers and my chest tightened. “I shouldn’t have done that to you. There was no excuse for it.” I shuddered and strained to keep my composure. Every stitch of my being was unraveling. “I did all of this for you. I can’t… I don’t want to be here without you. I’d rather be dead right now, than go this alone. Please, Alice.” I rested my forehead against her shoulder and a tear streamed down my cheek.

  My face grew hot. “We have an entire lifetime ahead of us, but I feel like we’re drifting apart already. In just a few days. And that scares the crap out of me, Alice. Every moment I breathe is only because of you—because I want to be here with you. I need you in my life.”

  She sniffled, then rolled over to face me, wiping her cheeks with the backs of her hand. “I want a life with you in it, too, Brian,” she said, quivering. “But I never wanted a life like this. Always afraid. Uncertain. Like oddities in a traveling freak show. I’m tired of it.”

  I scooted closer and rested my arm on her waist. “So am I.”

  Her breaths softened.

  “Brian, I can’t find the strength to love you when I don’t even love myself right now. I wake up every morning and contemplate how I could die that same day. How I might lose you. How we’ll get by. How to end the day without hurting more people. These aren’t the kinds of things a girl my age should be worrying about.”

  “I love you, Alice. I’ll love you no matter what. But you can’t let this nightmare the Saviors created change who we are.” I took her hand into mine and pressed a kiss to her knuckles.

  “I understand,” she replied. “But I need you to believe in me, too. Respect me for being who I am. For being strong. Responsible. I can do it, if you let me. If you believe in me.”

  I propped myself up onto my elbow and brushed her hair behind her ear. The fluorescence ignited in my arm and the blue cast a soft tint on our surroundings. I couldn’t hide how much passion I had for her.

  “It never should have gone this way, Alice. I shouldn’t have pushed you. I’ll try to let up more from now on and give you space to grow. I’ll try.”

  “Thank you, Brian.” She combed her fingers through my hair. I closed my eyes and exhaled a slow, contented breath. Warm fingertips gliding across my scalp. Slender fingers lovingly coiled a length of my hair.

  If she could forgive me, maybe I could forgive myself.

  Maybe…

  “I love you, Brian,” she said, cupping my face with both hands, her voice breaking. Her eyes gazed into mine. “Don’t ever… ever doubt that.” She leaned in to kiss me briefly, then came onto her knees and pushed me off my elbows and onto my back.

  “I won’t doubt you anymore. I promise. I’m sorry for what I did to you earlier. I—”

  “Shh.” She pressed a finger to my lips and moved forward, on top of me. “You’ve been dealing with so much anger and pain. Bottling it all up inside. We all have. What you did was a mistake, but I forgive you for it. It’s in the past now.”

  I slid my hands to her waist and wrapped my fingers around the supple, smooth skin peeking out above the waistband of her jeans, my thumbs flitting over her hipbones. The warmth of her body made me shudder. Goose bumps rose across my arms, and the hairs on the back of my neck perked up. She came down to kiss my lips first and then the sensitive flesh of my throat.

  The light of my fluorescence tinted her skin a gorgeous soft blue. The green glow of her shoulder sparked to life dimly at first and then grew brighter, taking on a faint teal hue.

  Alice?

  “We’re meant to be together,”
she said, exhaling a hot breath near my ear and then kissing me there. Her wandering hands wrinkled up my shirt. “Together we’ll get through this.”

  My Alice.

  . . .

  I put my feet onto the knobby carpet and craned back to look at her. Even tangled up in ugly beige sheets, Alice was breathtaking. Wavy dark brown tresses complimented a porcelain white complexion.

  Warm, afternoon light seeped in between the curtains, making the soft blue of her eyes sparkle. A subtle pink flush of color on her skin made her glow with new life.

  I didn’t want to leave her, even for a short while. But she could take care of herself. She needed me to believe that—to trust her.

  From now on, I would.

  I bent down to scoop my clothes up off the floor and pulled the t-shirt over my head. Alice reached across the bed and twisted her fingers around the hem of it.

  “Don’t go,” she said, looking up at me with a frown.

  I chuckled. It was the first time I’d smiled in nearly two days.

  “I’m just going to take a quick walk down the street and see if I can grab us something other than protein bars to eat.”

  “Be careful,” she added, withdrawing her hand as I stood. I tugged my jeans up both legs and weaved my belt through the loops.

  “I will. Don’t worry, beautiful.”

  Alice smiled.

  “I’ll be back soon.” I quietly closed the door behind me and locked it.

  The manager had mentioned a gas station and some drugstores not far from where we were.

  I set out to cross the parking lot toward the main road.

  After only a few steps, I froze.

  Voices.

  I heard someone talking. Worried it could be the cops, I held my breath and listened.

  Kareena?

  Who was she talking to?

  David?

  No. It couldn’t have been. At least I hoped it wasn’t. I wasn’t prepared to deal with the havoc he brought along with him. Not today.