How to Get Ahead in Television

by Sophie Cousens

  The team all cheered.

  Mark turned to Rhidian and I. ‘Runners, you can both come with B team as it’s going to be tough getting all that kit up the rock escarpment.’

  Everyone leapt into action and I tried to be helpful rounding up camera kit to carry.

  ‘Beats sitting in an office, hey?’ Rhidian said, throwing a rucksack of camera batteries onto his back.

  I would actually have loved to be back in the office – JR might have emailed me. Perhaps he had tried to call, but I had no way of knowing with a dead battery and no reception.

  Trace, Mark, two cameramen, Rhidian and I set off out of camp at quite a pace. After half a mile or so, I was struggling to keep up and Rhidian lagged behind to walk with me.

  ‘You want me to take one of those kit bags?’ he asked.

  ‘No, I’m fine, thanks.’

  Rhidian started chatting to me, but I had to choose between saving my breath to keep pace with the others and being able to speak. I opted for the former.

  Mark was looking at a little screen, following a small red dot on the map as we climbed. The contestants were all fitted with tracking devices so the crew could keep tabs on them. A few miles up, Mark held up a hand for us to stop.

  ‘Cameras up, guys – looks like we’re close,’ he said.

  The cameras started rolling just as Bev Sillican emerged from a rocky outcrop twenty yards ahead of us. I didn’t know much about Bev, except that she was a rather overweight northern comedian who I’d only ever heard tell jokes about food, periods or how much food you eat when you’re on your period. She looked surprisingly pleased with herself for someone who’d been living wild for a week and a half.

  ‘It’s another day on Survival of the Wittiest, and Bev Sillican is still in the game,’ said Trace to camera. ‘Will she still see the funny side of—’

  Mid-sentence, Trace was hit in the neck by a lump of mud. He turned around to see where it had come from, and saw Bev flinging clods at him from further up the hill. On closer inspection, perhaps it wasn’t mud… By the smell of it, it was lumps of…

  ‘Don’t throw shit at me!’ Trace yelled, his voice reaching a hysterically high pitch. ‘That is totally out of order, Bev!’

  ‘Everyone loves toilet humour!’ Bev danced around gleefully.

  I stifled a giggle as I dodged another piece of flying excrement.

  ‘Cut, Mark. I won’t have this, I won’t.’ Trace flounced off, out of range. ‘I mean, we’re not animals, Mark. This is unacceptable.’

  ‘I know, I know, I’ll talk to her,’ said Mark.

  Mark and Trace had a quiet chat out of earshot, then Mark headed up the hill to talk to Bev.

  ‘Bev, we can’t use any of that on the show, I’m afraid. It’s against our Health and Safety guidelines. Are you going to stop throwing stuff and do something we can actually use?’ Mark called.

  ‘I’m not talking to you. You’re the biggest shitwit of them all!’ Bev screamed at Mark, flinging more faeces in his direction before ducking back behind her rock.

  I searched around in the supply bag for some wet wipes to help Trace clean his neck.

  ‘This is so out of order,’ he whined. ‘I’m trying to help these people learn how to survive and this is what I have to put up with?’

  ‘I know, it’s terrible,’ I said, trying to sound sympathetic.

  Bev emerged from behind her rock again. She’d taken her boots off and was clapping them together with her hands, singing, ‘Go tell it on the mountain, over the hills and everywhere’.

  ‘Oh bollocks, she’s properly lost it,’ said Mark. ‘Trace, you need to come and talk to Bev.’

  ‘I’m not going on camera with shit on my neck, Mark!’ cried Trace.

  ‘Poppy, you’re a girl, you talk to her,’ Mark said in desperation. He didn’t seem to be a man who was good in a crisis.

  ‘Me? What am I going to do?’ I asked.

  ‘I don’t know. Go try girl-talk or something.’ Mark shrugged. ‘Roll cameras in case we need this for an inquiry later…’

  I gingerly headed up towards Bev, holding my rucksack in front of me to fend off flying objects. Bev was still singing ‘Go Tell It on the Mountain’ and clapping her shoes together.

  ‘Er, Bev, are you okay? Do you want to go home now?’ I asked.

  ‘“Go on the show, your gigs will sell out,” my agent told me,’ Bev said, laughing. ‘“Good publicity,” she said, “a comeback,” she said.’

  ‘Okay, Bev, but you don’t have to be here if you don’t want to…’ I tried.

  ‘You know, I couldn’t afford the mortgage repayments on my house if I didn’t do this show.’ Bev was staring at me, wild-eyed.

  ‘Um, don’t worry. I’m sure it will all be fine,’ I said, feeling immensely unqualified to talk an emotionally unhinged comedian down from a mountain.

  ‘Keep ’em amused though, hey?’ said Bev. ‘As long as they’re laughing, I’m still in the game. I’M STILL IN THE GAME!’

  Bev was shouting at me now, and had picked up a pretty sizable rock from the ground.

  ‘Woah!’ I said, holding up my rucksack in alarm.

  ‘Hey, Bev,’ came a voice from behind me. It was Rhidian. He’d run up the hill and now positioned himself between Bev and me. ‘Bev, put the rock down, hey?’ Rhidian strode confidently over to Bev and put an arm around her shoulder. ‘I love your show, by the way. That joke you do about the carrot cakes – gets me every time.’

  ‘Really?’ Bev looked up at him hopefully. ‘You like that one?’

  Rhidian coaxed Bev to sit down on the rock and put his jacket around her shoulders. He started talking to her quietly so I couldn’t quite hear. She started to laugh and the insane look started to ebb from her eyes.

  I watched in astonishment as this unfolded in front of me. I couldn’t believe Rhidian had stolen my thunder like that. Mark had specifically asked me to try and talk her down, but Rhidian had leapt in there before I’d even had a chance to try.

  We all trooped back to base camp with Bev, Rhidian chatting to her the whole way down.

  ‘Wow, he’s got a knack with the crazy ladies, hasn’t he?’ the cameraman observed as I walked down beside him.

  ‘Poppy, have you got any spritzer?’ Trace asked me. ‘Perfume or something? I still smell of shit.’

  ‘No, sorry, I didn’t bring anything like that with me,’ I said.

  Trace rolled his eyeballs, amazed that a girl wouldn’t be fully equipped with make-up and perfume at all times.

  Back at base camp, Bev was led off to have a private chat with the show psychologist, to ascertain whether she was mentally fit enough to continue with the show.

  ‘You okay?’ Rhidian asked me, once Bev had been safely offloaded.

  ‘Fine, thanks,’ I said.

  ‘That got pretty hairy up there, hey?’

  ‘Yup.’

  ‘I mean, I thought she might actually throw that rock at you.’

  ‘Luckily my Rhidian-in-shining-armour was there to save the day,’ I said tetchily.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Never mind.’

  A couple of hours later, Bev was declared mentally unfit to continue with filming and I was asked to escort her back to London on the train. Rhidian helped load up our things and drove us to the nearest train station.

  ‘Thanks for everything,’ Bev said to him, clasping Rhidian’s hand as we waited at the station. ‘You really helped me see things clearly up there. I lost my shit for a minute there…’

  ‘You literally lost your shit,’ said Rhidian with a smile.

  Bev laughed and gave him a hug. Once Bev was out of earshot, he turned to me.

  ‘Hey, Poppy, I’ll see you back at the office.’ He reached out and touched my arm. ‘What shall we write this up on the chart as?’

  ‘Let’s call it: “Rhidian can’t resist rescuing a damsel in distress”,’ I said, turning away from him.

  ‘Hey.’ Rhidian reached out, took my arm and gently sp
un me around to face him. ‘I was just trying to help, Poppy.’

  He looked down at me. I couldn’t read his expression – he almost looked offended. I stood looking back up at him, unable to make myself move. In a flash his expression changed and he was smiling again.

  ‘Well, I definitely think I deserve a point for having you crawl into my tent looking for bear protection…’

  ‘Looking for a torch,’ I corrected him.

  ‘Poppy, listen, I—’ Rhidian started to say something, but our train had arrived. I had to go.

  STEP 29 – FIND A MENTOR WHO IS WILLING TO HELP YOUR CAREER GROW

  FROM: JAMES

  TO: POPPY

  Dangermouse, where are you? Haven’t seen u clutzing around office recently. Have you written up that proposal for me yet? JR

  FROM: POPPY

  TO: JAMES

  I don’t clutz, thank you! Been in Dartmoor on SOTW living off boiled squirrel.

  : (Writing ‘Bank My Bonus’ as I text you. C u in office tmrw. X PP

  I WOKE UP early the next morning, blow-dried my hair straight, put on a white shirt, pink blazer and skinny jeans. It felt great not to be camping, and even better to have finally received a communication from JR.

  ‘What are you wearing?’ Nat said as she saw me about to walk out of the door.

  ‘City chic? No?’

  ‘No, hun, you look like an air hostess. Take that jacket off and wear mine.’ She handed me her favourite Stella McCartney faux leather jacket.

  ‘Really? Are you sure?’ Nat never let me borrow her clothes.

  ‘You want to look good when you see JR, don’t you?’ Nat looked me up and down. ‘Much better, very Kate Beckinsale.’

  ‘Thanks, Nat, I love this jacket. Oh, did your mum get that cheque I left for her, by the way? I never see your parents.’

  ‘They’re both working ridic hours on cases at the moment. I’m so glad I’m not a lawyer.’

  ‘Nat, you are a lawyer.’

  ‘Yeah, but I’m not a proper lawyer, am I? I’m just doing the training.’

  ‘Yes, but surely you’re going to be a lawyer, otherwise why would you be doing the training?’

  Nat tapped her nose mysteriously.

  In the RealiTV reception, Mel was pinning her platinum hair into a bun.

  ‘Oh, hey, I nearly didn’t recognize you,’ Mel said, putting a hand over her mouth in mock shock. ‘It’s probably because you’re walking into a room face-first rather than arse-first.’

  ‘A very good morning to you too, Mel,’ I said.

  In the post room, David was wearing a Goodfellas T-shirt and baseball cap, fiddling with a Rubik’s cube.

  ‘Morning, David,’ I said.

  ‘It is true what they say,’ said David, holding the Rubik’s cube aloft. ‘Sometimes the old ones are the best. If I were in jail, this is what I would ask for, a Rubik’s cube: hours of entertainment. What would you ask for?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘If you could have one form of entertainment in jail, what would you have?’

  ‘A cellmate, I guess,’ I said, rifling through the post.

  ‘Good answer. Though if you didn’t like your cellmate, they might prove more hindrance than help.’

  ‘That’s true. If I was sharing a cell with Mel, I’d soon smash my own brains out.’

  I was about to leave the room when I glanced over at Rhidian’s chart, still plastered to the pinboard. Where I had written ‘Doing a good job for JR’, someone had added the word ‘blow’ before the word ‘job’.

  ‘Who wrote that?’ I asked David, tearing the chart from the board.

  ‘Wrote what?’ David asked, startled by my sudden outburst and dropping the Rubik’s cube.

  ‘This!’ I shoved the paper in his face and he read the offending annotation.

  ‘I don’t know,’ David said, stifling a giggle.

  ‘Really?’ I said, feeling a hot wall of tears building behind my eyes.

  ‘Really, Poppy, I would never write that, that’s really mean. I didn’t even know you were seeing Ravenstone.’

  ‘I AM NOT SEEING HIM! Who wrote it?’

  Venting my anger was the only way I could stop myself from crying, but as David cowered in his chair, I realized I was probably shouting at the wrong person – David didn’t have a bitchy bone in his body.

  ‘I really don’t know, Poppy, I’ve only been here ten minutes…’

  I scrunched the list into a ball and thrust it into my bag. I headed to the disabled loo to try and remedy my smudged mascara. Valerie Decouz’s words rang in my head as I tried to stop the tidal wave of tears. Maybe pursuing my crush on JR had been a terrible idea. This company was a hotbed for gossip, and I didn’t want people talking about me like that. I looked at myself in the mirror and straightened my hair.

  ‘Pull yourself together, Penfold,’ I whispered to myself. ‘No crying at work.’

  I headed straight to the lift to do a tea run upstairs; I couldn’t face going back to the post room. Just as the doors were about to close, JR appeared and jumped in next to me.

  ‘Ah, Penfold! The adventuress returns! How are you? Hey, are you okay?’

  He’d noticed my blotchy eyes.

  ‘I’m fine. I… I just… I have hay fever.’

  ‘Hay fever, in October?’

  ‘It’s southern hemisphere hay fever, hemisfever… because it’s summer there, you know… er… it’s very rare. Anyway, I’ve done that write-up for you.’

  ‘Excellent.’ JR took my hand and squeezed it. ‘Hey, do you want to have a drink tomorrow night?’

  ‘Um, yes… yes, that sounds good.’

  With one hand squeeze, JR managed to dispel my miserable mood. Even if it meant people gossiping about me, there was no way I was going to be able to resist going out with him again.

  ‘Great. Email me the write-up and I’ll see you tomorrow.’

  Then he was gone.

  I rode the lift alone up one more floor and couldn’t help doing a little happy dance. The lift opened on the fifth to Dominic Green.

  ‘Poppy, what have I told you about jumping in the lift?’ he said sternly.

  ‘I wasn’t jumping!’ I said.

  ‘I could hear you jumping in there.’

  ‘It was dancing.’

  ‘No jumping, no dancing. Just standing and pressing buttons. Okay?’

  ‘Sorry.’

  STEP 30 – TREAT YOUR COLLEAGUES WITH RESPECT

  FROM:

  TO:

  SUBJECT: Bank My Bonus

  ATTACHMENT: BANK MY BONUS – word doc.

  Write-up attached. Thanks so much for helping me with this, JR, I really appreciate it!

  Let me know where and when you want to meet for drinks later.

  PP

  RealiTV – because a real workforce makes real TV!

  THE NEXT DAY in the post room, Rhidian was sitting at Helen’s computer. I took a seat at the other one.

  ‘Hey, how good does it feel to be back in your own bed?’ Rhidian asked me.

  ‘Good. Though eating food that wasn’t squirrel-shaped was more of a relief,’ I said.

  ‘So, I see you took the chart down…’ Rhidian said, a sly note in his voice. ‘Did that last point I wrote up send you over the edge?’

  So Rhidian had written it. My heart sank. I knew he was competitive, but I’d never imagined he could be so outright mean.

  ‘You’re a dick, Rhidian.’ I took a deep breath, trying not to let myself get upset again.

  ‘What? It was obviously a joke!’ Rhidian laughed. He sounded surprised that I wasn’t finding it funny. ‘Fine, perhaps it’s for the best the chart is gone. So tell me, how was Bev on the train back?’

  I could not believe he was being so chirpy, dismissing such a harsh comment as a light-hearted joke.

  ‘I’m a bit busy, Rhidian. Some of us have work to do,’ I said.

  That shut him up.

&nbs
p; Just as I finished reading an email about printer cartridges, Rhidian piped up again.

  ‘Are you okay, Poppy? Did I do something to upset you?’

  But before I could point out his huge misjudgement on what constituted a ‘funny joke’, Mel sashayed into the post room.

  ‘Hey, Rhid, there you are! You wanna grab lunch today?’

  ‘Er, not today, Mel, I’ve got quite a lot on,’ Rhidian replied.

  ‘Oh, that’s cool.’ Mel looked put-out. ‘So how was your date with JR, Poppy?’

  ‘What? Who told you we went on a date?’ I said, thrown that she knew this.

  ‘Ah, so it was a date!’ Mel said gleefully. ‘I clocked you sneaking out together after work the other night. He’s way too old for you.’

  ‘You don’t know anything about it, Mel,’ I said, my cheeks flushing scarlet.

  ‘I think Poopy doth protest too much. So, Rhids, I’m free later if you wanna hang, whatever, I’m easy.’ Then out she sauntered, delighted to have wheedled something out of me.

  Rhidian and I sat in silence for a moment.

  ‘So… so you’re really seeing JR?’ Rhidian said after a couple of minutes.

  I couldn’t believe he was acting as though this was new information; he’d obviously suspected something or he wouldn’t have written that mean comment on his stupid chart.

  ‘Neither of you know what you’re talking about,’ I muttered.

  ‘So you’re not seeing him?’ Rhidian refused to let the matter drop.

  I swivelled my chair around to face him. He looked strangely flustered.

  ‘What’s it to you, Rhidian?’

  ‘Nothing,’ Rhidian said. ‘I just thought you were seeing that guy Ian. I didn’t think you were like that, Poppy – you know, one guy at home, one guy at work…’

  Oh great, so he didn’t actually care that I was seeing JR, he just had a misguided sense of indignation on Ian’s behalf. I was about to explain that I’d never really been seeing Ian, that he was just a friend, when I stopped myself; why should I have to explain myself to Rhidian?