The Wisest Fool

by Nigel Tranter

  Relief thereafter was very brief, for as they rowed out into the Medway the entire fleet opened up with incessant salvoes, and thereafter it was gunfire, at close quarters, for the entire day, the ships seemingly having an inexhaustible supply of saltpetre; and the inspection was accomplished up and down the lanes of Elizabeth's vaunted navy amidst clouds of billowing, choking smoke, ht by orange flashes and a noise as of the end of the dispensation.

  Queen Anne and certain of her ladies had a form of hysterics and James, berating them with apt Latin apologues, had weak women and bubbling bairns—for the Princess Elizabeth and little Prince Charles were in tears—transferred to another barge and taken to the flagship Elizabeth moored at a pontoon bridge from the dockyard, where eventually there would be the necessary banquet The bombardment continued.

  George Heriot’s was not the only sore head and short temper when, at last he climbed wearily aboard the said flagship, with his box of trinkets. But James was in high spirits and good humour—so much so that he knighted several naval captains on the deck, without so much as an enquiry into their financial capabilities—Lennox growled, presumably the ones who had made the loudest bangs.

  The repast which followed was held in a kind of silken saloon on deck, under a vast awning with cloth-of-gold hangings—for no cabin could have contained a tenth of the company. To counter the smells of tar, bilge-water, smoke and gunpowder, the area was sprayed with perfume for the ladies; but the Queen nevertheless excused herself, and remained below. There was a suitably nautical flavour to the feast, with many kinds of shellfish, including Rochester oysters with a pearl inserted for each guest; lobsters, some cooked but others still alive and waving their claws on the tables, giant sturgeon cooked in a piece, whitebait in wine, steaks of seal—very tough-roasted swans, and a life-sized mermaid sweetmeat, sculped in icing, each of the monarchs getting a breast. Christian who ate all set before him, declared that his navy was never fed so. Before the serious drinking started, James bestowed farewell gifts from Heriot's box on all the Danish party, and sundry others, rings, bracelets, medallions, necklaces and choice pearls, indiscriminately. King Christian, now very drunk, hiccupped that he would beat that on the morrow,

  Since the evening's entertainment seemed to be interminable, and Heriot had neither royal permission nor means to leave the ship, he presently found his yawning way below, eventually discovered a cabin of sorts not occupied by love-makers of one kind or another, and flung himself down to sleep—if his aching head would let him. And there he was, at some stage of the night, roused by the Duke of Lennox, summoned to attend forthwith on his liege lord. Protests, grumbles and mutinous threats availed nothing—the King's command was imperious and immediate.

  The Duke led his disgruntled friend to the captain's cabin, amidst scenes of some disorder, where they found James preparing for bed, being assisted out of his clothing by the Earl of Dunbar, recently Sir George Home, and Viscount Haddington who had been Sir John Ramsay, two old and tried favourites who could drink beaker for beaker with their monarch—despite the fact that the new Viscount was still only twenty-three. Disrobing in public never worried James.

  "Ha—Geordie!" he greeted, wagging a minatory finger. "There you are, then. Where ha' you been hiding yoursel', man ? Wenching in some bit corner, I'll be bound. A man o' your years should be fell ashamed!" The King chuckled, and made rude signs with his fingers.

  Heriot's bow was curt, and he made no reply.

  James cocked a lustrous eye at him. "Eh—so that's the way o' it, is it? Jinglin' Geordie Heriot has no word o' greeting for his liege—nor yet for his auld gossip Jamie Stewart, forby! That's no' right and suitable, man. Is it, my friends ?"

  The two courtiers made the required noises.

  Heriot spoke through tight lips. 'Your Majesty no doubt has more important matters to disclose to me than the state of my manners. To have roused me from sleep at this hour of the night."

  "Hech, hech—hoity-toity ! Hear you that, Doddie Home? And you, Johnnie? Frae an Edinburgh goldsmith!"

  "Insolent, Sire," Dunbar averred.

  "Your Majesty has all along been over-kind to this upjumped usurer !" Ramsay, who had never got on with Heriot, said.

  "Maybe, maybe. You think so, Johnnie? What do you say, Vicky ? Hae I been at fault wi' Geordie Heriot ?"

  "If you have, Sire, it is not in being over-kind to him!" the Duke gave back. 'Your Majesty knows a deal better than Ramsay does what you owe, what we all owe, what the realm owes, to Master Heriot."

  That man coughed. He was grateful to his friend—but this harping on debts and owing was scarcely calculated to improve the situation. "I am sorry, She, if you consider me lacking in proper respect," he said. "You know that my duty and regard for Your Majesty is of old standing, and has always been of the greatest. If I am less forthcoming than sometimes, it may be because I am but new wakened from sleep..."

  "Sleep, heh? You weary o' our royal bounty and hospitality, Geordie? We feed and wine and entertain you right royally, and then you go hiding awa' and sleeping, before we oursel’ hae retired. And waken crabbit as a bear! Shame on you, man!"

  "That is one way to describe my case, Highness. Another would be to point out that I have been on a long and tiring journey to Scotland and back, on Your Majesty's affairs, and returned to much labour, having to remain in London overnight to deal with my own affairs. Then hasten down to Greenwich, only to be sent back to London overnight to obtain gifts for Your Majesty's bestowal, so that I lost another night's sleep. And have all this day been all but deafened by cannon-fire on shipboard. If I am weary, Sire, it is in your service."

  "My heart bleeds for you!" James observed. "But where were you, man, twa nights ago ? Vicky here managed to win back to his sovereign lord's side, and his duty—but no' Geordie Heriot."

  "My lord Duke does not have the oversight of a trade and business of much weight and complexity, She—a trade which, though humble, enables Your Majesty to entertain me, my lords here, and the King of Denmark, thus!"

  The monarch, now in a state of complete nudity save for his hat —from which he was always loth to part—narrowed his great eyes, drew a deep breath—and then burst into hooting laughter.

  "Sakes—guid for you, Geordie!" he cried. "A right stout answer. Aye—audaces fortuna juvat timidosque repellit, eh? Did you hear that, Johnnie? Frae your upjumped usurer? Tak note-as an upjumped viscount! Ah, weel, Geordie—if that’s the way o' it, it becomes us to mak the best o' it while you are wi' us— and be gratefu', eh? What hae you to tell me, then? Out wi' it."

  Heriot frowned. "She—what I have to say, relative to the business you sent us on, is highly personal to your royal self." And he looked meaningly at Dunbar and Haddington.

  "No' suitable for the ears o' these friends o' mine, Geordie?" James asked, being eased into a bed-robe. "No, Sire," the other said firmly.

  "So be it Off wi' you, then," the King ordered, waving his hands in shooing gesture to the others. "Master Usurer, here, doesna cherish your company, my lords. But you'll let our Vicky stay, Geordie—will you no' ?"

  Looking daggers, the earl and viscount withdrew.

  "Aye, now—we'll have it," James said, in a different voice, as the door closed. He sat down on the bunk bed.

  "Yes, Sire. I do not know how much my lord Duke has told you. But, to be brief, we discovered the reason and terms of the Master of Gray's claim upon you. And the steps to take to come to a suitable arrangement, on Your Majesty's behalf. As instructed."

  "You did, did you!" James looked wary. "Suitable, eh ? How suitable?"

  "Twenty thousand pounds Scots, Sire. To be found for the Master by a special commission of judges, sitting in private. No open trial."

  James licked thick lips, and did not speak.

  "We strongly advise that you agree such a settlement, Sire. For your own advantage. As does the Lord Advocate Hamilton, and the Chancellor."

  'You say so ? When I desire the advice o' my Advocate and my Chancello
r I'll spier at them," the King declared. "I didna send you up to Scotland to collogue wi' them."

  "We were in some doubt, James, as to what you did send us up for!" the Duke put in, grimly. "It was less than clear."

  "You speak when you're spoken to, Vicky Lennox! And you, Geordie Heriot, tell me why I should pay twenty thousand pounds to that fell Patrick Gray?"

  "Because, Sire, it appears that you lawfully owe him the moneys. And if you do not pay it, he will make public much which would serve your present case very ill. About the proposed Danish troops to invade England from Scotland when Queen Elizabeth was ill—which was what the money was for, was it not ? Parliament, the English parliament, would not like to hear of that Oh, perhaps, would like it, to your cost I"

  The monarch fiddled amongst his private parts. 'Twenty thousand pounds is a lot o' siller," he said.

  "Less than half what Gray is asking."

  'This is mail, just—blackmail, man Geordie."

  Heriot and Lennox exchanged glances. The first waited for his friend to speak—but when he did not do so, coughed, and went on.

  "I fear that there is more blackmail than that, Sire."

  "Eh?" The look shot at him was sharp, calculating, vigilant. "You say so ? Gray ?"

  "Not... yet! No, Sire - the Earl of Orkney."

  A long sigh escaped from the none so slack royal lips. "So-o-o! You've been right busy, eh? Wheaseling oot a foul, stinking commerce ! The evil nundinations o' lying men!"

  "Was not that what you sent us to do, Sire? That you might be freed from their toils ?"

  James did not answer that directly. He considered his unwashed person thoughtfully for a space—and then looked up. "What hae you discovered?"

  "That Logan of Restalrig is dead—died in poverty, strangely. That the Master and the Lord Home, cousins, are amongst his heirs general—and likely to cause trouble. That the ill-spoken-of Casket Letters of the Queen, your royal mother, were at some time delivered by Logan to the Lord Robert Stewart, late Earl of Orkney, and are now in his son Patrick's possession. That Earl Patrick is now in dire need of money, much money—and the Master of Gray has learned of the Letters, and is seeking to buy them. Hence requires this old debt of Your Majesty's repaid."

  "Aye." Clearly none of this was unknown to James Stewart 'Filthy, stinking commerce, as I said. And you'd hae me to pay, man?"

  "Yes, Sire. Weighing the bad against the worse, yes. It will be no new thing, I think ? To pay ? "

  "That is as may be. You believe I'd do better wi' Patrick Gray than Patrick Stewart ?"

  "I... I think so, Sire. Gray would not wish to bring down the Crown—although he might wish to change the wearer! Stewart might!"

  "That is my opinion, James," Lennox said, "And Dunfermline's."

  'He kens o' this? You told Seton, man... ?" "He knew of it From ... other sources. And, of course, much else."

  "Much else? What?"

  Lennox hesitated. "Of more stinking commerce, James. Which you may, or may not, know of. Concerning Logan. And his poverty. A rich man, if a rogue—and suddenly poor. His estates sold. Sold, She, to friends of yours. Last year. To George Home, who has just left us—Lord High Treasurer of Scotland, as you have made him. He bought Fast Castle and Flemington. But did not pay for them—or fifteen thousand merks of the price. And James Elphinstone, Lord Balmerino, your Chief Secretary of State, bought Restalrig and Gunsgreen. And still owes eighteen thousand merks. Why should Logan sell all his patrimony? To your ministers? And not be paid for it? There was more blackmail than one going on in Scotland!"

  "You tell me that, Vicky ? Bad. Aye, bad. Unsuitable. Shame-fu', even. But no concern o' mine, mind. I'll hae a bit word wi' Doddie Home."

  "I suggest, James, that a word will scarce be enough! As you heard, Patrick Gray and the Lord Home, George Home's cousin, are amongst Logan's heirs. They make an ill pair to tangle with. They are going to want that money—and any more amissing likewise. Or know why not. And, it is likely, shout aloud until they get it! Not pleasing, for two so close to yourself, your ministers."

  "You're no' suggesting, Vicky Lennox, that I had a hand in this?"

  "I did not suggest that, Sire," his cousin said carefully.

  "As well, man—as well" James was up, hobbling about the wooden decking on his bare feet "But... see you now. A man forfeit in law has no rights in law. Is that no' a fact? And if no rights, then no credit. Debts wouldna need to be repaid to him. Or his heirs."

  "But Logan was not forfeit in law when he died."

  "No-o-o. But he could still be tried. For yon ill Gowrie business.

  And found guilty—as he was, you may be sure. And so forfeited. Is that not so?"

  "Lord!" Lennox whispered. 'Try a dead man? And forfeit him thereafter? To save... your friends money"

  "Why not? He was a scoundrel, yon Logan, and well deserves it! I've been keeping my eye on his attorney. Another ill rogue. A notary o' Eyemouth, one George Sprott Up to the neck in Logan's villainies. He'll serve us nicely. We'll squeeze Master Sprott—and Logan, late o' Restalrig, wi' him. And see justice done—and save a bit siller"

  "Then . .. then you knew of all this ! You knew of this man Sprott Nothing of it all came unknown to you ?"

  "I ken a wheen things going on in Scotland, although I'm no' there in my royal person, Vicky. Ooh, aye—I'm still King o' Scots. And no' so blate as some folks reckon."

  His cousin could find no words.

  Heriot could. "Sire—it seems that little or nothing which we have told you is news to you. But it makes ill telling, ill hearing. It but confirms what we saw and learned—that matters are in a poor way in Scotland. The country is, in fact, ill governed. My lord of Dunfermline is a good man enough, but not strong. And I fear there are rogues about him. You said, when you left to come South, that you would return at least every three years. It is now three years since 1603. I believe that you should return to your own country. For a space. Let men see that it still has a King. Put matters to rights. My lord Duke and I are in agreement that this is very necessary."

  "Yes, indeed," Lennox substantiated.

  "You are, eh? In your wisdom, you agree, the pair 0' you? To teach me my God-appointed task and duty! Right fortunate I am I But, see you, I've got a wheen wits o' my ain. And twa Privy Councils to advise me, forby. I ken the state Scotland is in. And meantime, I prefer to govern it frae here. Aye, frae here. By your leave! Yon's an unchancy realm, wi' ower many rogues in it, lawless rogues such as I've had to deal wi' all my days I had my bellyfu' o' them, waesucks! I'll deal wi' them through others, now, see you. And if some 0' the dealers I maun use are rogues too—well, Scotland's a great place for the like. And they can maybe best deal wi' their ain kind. Forby, the English need my presence here yet awhile—aye they do so. I'll return to Scotland in my ain time, Geordie Heriot"

  "As you say, Sire. Forgive me if I seemed to take a liberty. But we saw many signs of misgovernment there. And your ministers scarcely in good control."

  "Aweel—Vicky at least will hae the opportunity to put that to rights," the King declared, chuckling suddenly. "For he's going right back to Scotland, forthwith. My royal representative, wi' ample powers to disrogue the rogues. I've called a parliament, see you—a meeting o' the Estates. Moreover, for your especial convenience, Vicky, I've called it for Perth. So that you can bide wi' your bit whoor, Mary Gray, at yon Methvenl Aye—you will open and preside ower the parliament, as my viceroy, Cousin, and guide it to good decisions, guide it well."

  Lennox began to speak, but thought better of it

  "Mind, you'll hae some help in the matter, forby Seton and Elphinstone and the others. Doddie Home will go up wi' you, to lead the debates on this matter o' bishops. So you can see he pays his just debts, eh? And Elphinstone too. It should be a right righteous and reforming parliament, wi' Vicky Stewart in the chair—for you'll likewise hae the comfort and support o' a wheen bishops and twa archbishops I've made. The Lords SpirituaL As is right and proper."

 
; "Bishops ... ?" Lennox repeated. "How, bishops? There are no bishops in Scotland now—at least, none who rule as such. No bishops have sat in the Scots parliament for forty years and more."

  "But they will, frae now on, man. In my united kingdoms of Great Britain shall I have Lords Spiritual in England and no' in Scotland ? Am I no' head o' both kirk and state in both, and my powers and rights no' to be limited by a wheen arrogant presbyters and so-called divines ? Bishops will be restored in Scotland forthwith, as the proper leaders o' Christ's flock, for whom I deputise here on earth. And this parliament which you will preside ower will establish it. Dinna stand there shaking your head, man—this is my royal will, edict and command. I hae appointed the said archbishops and bishops, and they will attend the said

  parliament. To be sure, you'll find them a right help in your worthy efforts to improve the state o' my auld realm o' Scotland !"

  While his hearers digested that, the monarch climbed into his bunk, as an indication that the audience was all but over.

  "To say that you surprise me, Sire, scarce meets the case," the Duke got out, after a pause. "The wisdom of this policy is highly doubtful, I think."

  "The wisdom o' my policies is for my decision, no' yours, Vicky Stewart. And God be thankit for that! Now-awa to your beds. We've a lang and busy day ahead o' us the morn, wi' yon Christian awa at last, praise be. And Geordie is fair yawning his heid off!"

  "Do I go North again with my lord Duke?" that man enquired.

  "Na, na—you do not You've got the oversight o' weighty trade and business you'll mind, on which so muckle depends—which Vicky hasna ! You'll bide in London. But, nae doubt Vicky will carry a bit letter for you to the lassie Primrose!"