Think of what your boss goes through when he disciplines or coaches his employees. When he has to correct someone on something wrong, it is an intense act of courage that isn’t very easy to do. This takes strength and a firm understanding on one’s role as an authority to do properly.
A lot of people come to believe that confrontation is wrong or that confrontation is mean, therefore undesirable. However, the best way to be authoritative is to be willing to confront people. But confronting others requires you to step outside of your comfort zone. It requires you to step up and deal with a potentially unpleasant situation. Yet the reality is that without confrontation, there cannot be any kind of growth.
Sometimes people need pushing, sometimes they need confrontation, and sometimes they just need someone to tell them the truth as it is. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that just because confrontation feels scary or uncomfortable that it’s a bad thing. Confrontation is what separates a leader from a follower.
This means that you’re going to have to learn to become comfortable with confronting people. This doesn’t mean you have to harm people, this is doesn’t mean that your intentions are to cause people ill. Remember, confrontation is not a bad thing. The problem is that we live in a world where confrontation is looked at as the ultimate wrong, and we are willing to do whatever it takes to avoid that. As a result, we become weaker and softer. Don’t make that mistake, do not think for even a split second that confrontation is bad. Confrontation is really good; confrontation is what will allow you to achieve great things in your own life.
Are you unhappy with your marriage? Believe it or not, but confrontation is necessary to improve your relationship. Confrontation is not the same as fighting. Fighting is the decision to cause harm, confrontation is the decision to show truth, to make a point. If you think that you can be a leader without any form of confrontation, you are unfortunately very, very wrong. You must stand up for yourself, you must tell other people your opinions, and you must be willing to bruise some noses or step on some toes if you want to be where you want to be in your life. Be comfortable with confrontation, don’t be afraid of it.
Authority Tip 4: Develop Thick Skin
We live in a culture where being offended is rewarded with attention, sympathy, and pity. There is no shortage of people in this world who are going to be offended by the things you say, but believe it or not, an easily offended person has little chance of being seen as an authority figure. Being offended evokes strong emotions, and those emotions prevent you from being able to think clearly. The solution to that is to learn how to be thick-skinned.
Now I’m not advocating for you to suppress your emotions, but I am advocating for you to learn how to sift through them in such a way that you no longer have to worry about how other people talk to you. If someone is able to elicit strong emotional reaction by what they say to you, who is really in control? Not you! You are not in control if someone else has the power to change how you feel and think based on your emotions. Developing thick-skin, getting rid of the right to be offended makes you stronger. It makes you healthier. Don’t fall into the false trap of becoming offended by what other people have to say, even if it is really harsh criticism. An authority figure will experience blowback. They will experience people pushing back against them in so many different ways, ranging from agitation, to sedition, to backbiting or even to petty name calling. If you are concerned with avoiding all of those kinds of offensive actions by other people, it will impede your ability to get involved as a leader in your life, because you will be voluntarily subjecting yourself to such treatment at times.
You’re going to have to be a boxer if you want to be an authority figure. The boxer’s first job is to learn how to hit, the boxer’s second job is to learn how to be hit. In fact, if you can’t take a punch, guess what? You’re gonna be a terrible boxer because boxers are gonna get punched. When you choose to climb into the boxing ring of life and be an authority figure, you’re going to get walloped occasionally. That’s fine though, it’s perfectly normal to endure pain on occasion. How you react to the pain, how you react to rejection, sorrow, frustration and confrontation will determine how strong of a person you actually are.
Think about it like this: how in control is someone if they are offended and emotionally manipulated by offensive behavior? They aren’t really in control at all!
How do we develop thick-skin? Well it’s simply making a conscious decision to stop allowing other people to control us with their words. We don’t have to become angry because someone wants us to be angry, we don’t have to be taunted when someone wants to get us upset. Offense is a state of mind; you can only be offended if you allow someone to offend you. The question is: are you willing to give up the right to be offended or do you prefer to be offended by what other people have to say? A strong, ruthless man doesn’t worry about what other people have to say because he has a strong control of his own internal emotions. He has a thick wall up around his heart and that wall prevents other people from shooting arrows into it. It doesn’t mean that he’s unable to take criticism or listen to what other people have to say to him, what it means is he doesn’t let it deeply affect the innermost part of his soul. He takes criticism with a critical eye, he doesn’t take it personally.
We live in a world where most people take it personally. They get upset, they are offended and they feel like everything everyone is out to get them. This just isn’t true but that doesn’t change the way they feel. Most of the time people say things because they are trying to express themselves, they just don’t really know how to express themselves well. Take everything that people tell you with a grain of salt. Just because someone says something is true doesn’t make it so. By remaining objective and refusing to allow your emotions to get involved with a confrontation, you will be able to diffuse the situation without fear.
Being an authority figure isn’t easy, being in control of your own life is really hard. That is why most people aren’t in control of their lives, it’s why most people choose to give all their hard-earned freedom to other people. But the truth is no one will care as much about your life as you do. They won’t make the good decisions for you, no one is going to help you along in your life. You have got to be the one to do it all. You got to be the one to step up to the plate and get it done. You are in charge and no one else. This is a tremendous responsibility but guess what? You are up to the task! By accepting your natural role as a leader, you will be able to achieve incredible things in your life!
Chapter 7: Go to War and Win
We’ve talked about confrontation a little bit here and there. We’ve discussed the necessity of confrontation, and we talked about how important conflict is if you want to become a ruthless individual. This entire chapter will be discussing how to become the best confrontational person that you can be. We’ll talk about all the things that make up for a good confrontation, and then finally we’ll talk about how you can become more confrontational.
Let’s start with the simple definition of confrontation. Confrontation is at its core making the decision to tell someone something that they won’t like. It’s as simple as that. It’s not swearing at someone angrily, it’s not yelling at someone, it’s not trying to fight them with your fists, rather it’s simply telling someone something that will cause them to resist. Does this change your idea of what confrontation is? It most likely has! Think about it like this: if you are at a grocery store and you wanted to purchase something with the coupon, you go to scan the coupon and the cash register operator tells you that the coupon is no longer valid, that is actually a confrontation. How you respond will determine the nature of this confrontation. You wanted something, but you were blocked by an interaction. That interaction told you that you couldn’t have what you want. You don’t like that. So therefore, it becomes a confrontation. Most people in their lives would one of several things, they would blow up and get angry at the teller, they would meekly accept it, they would ask to see a manag
er or they might just pretend it didn’t even happen. Regardless of how they react, this is still confrontation at its core.
Any time you have a disagreement, friendly or hostile, it is a confrontation. Whenever you say something to someone and they don’t like it, it starts a confrontation. Confrontations are plentiful in this world, but most people try to shy away from them. They don’t like the feelings they experience while they are in a confrontation.
The problem with avoiding confrontation is that it prevents growth. Confrontation, if done properly, can improve your relationships, solve disputes and resolve longstanding problems. Many people look at confrontation as simply fighting, but that is incorrect. The difference between a fight and confrontation is intention. When someone wants to fight, their intention is to cause harm. The intention is to cause chaos and to inflict punishment on someone. Consequently, the intention of a confrontation is simply to get one’s way. This is much different from someone who seeking to cause harm. We all want to get our own way in life. That is the nature of being human.
So, if the reason that you don’t get involved in confrontation is because you are afraid of causing harm, then you need to be able to adequately gauge your own intentions. This is what makes a cruel person different from a ruthless individual. A cruel person only desires to inflict harm. A confrontational or ruthless person only desires to get his own way. Don’t think that you can exist in this world without effective confrontation. The problem is that we are rarely taught how to confront one another. We are taught to play nice, to obey, to let everyone get their own way and to never ever step out of turn. At the end of the day, this creates a victim-based society. We look at confrontation as the bad thing.
The reality is that confrontation allows us to get what we want. The question is: are you willing to become confrontational? Better question: Are you willing to become confrontational and win at those confrontations? If the answer is yes, then read on!
Confrontation truth one: confrontation is healthy
If we are going to develop a mindset that is based around the idea of being willing and able to engage in confrontation, we must recognize that confrontation is a healthy thing. Confrontation by its lonesome will allow you to express yourself, and the expression of the self is one the most valuable things that you can possibly bring to the table. One of the things that creates unhealthy confrontation is when violence is used. A lot of times we think of violence in a very physical term. We think of violence as pushing, shoving, kicking, or punching, but the truth of the matter is that violence is not always about physical damage. Rather, violence is about our tone, our method of expression and the words that we use. This is what creates the idea that confrontation is bad. When violence is used in a confrontation, we come to believe that all confrontations must be violent. For example, if a husband and wife are having a disagreement about something and the husband says “you are an idiot for saying that,” he is using violence. Violent communication fills our world. Especially in the political realm, we see our leaders using only the most violent possible communication. As a result, we begin to believe that in order to be able to win a confrontation, we must be violent. And this causes a problem for us. Because we believe that violence is required to win a confrontation, we can shy away from confrontation because we are scared of being violent. The truth of the matter is that violence is a form of unhealthy confrontation.
There is no benefit to unhealthy confrontation. Unhealthy confrontation causes problems, it hurts people, and worst of all it can damage relationships, preventing you from getting what you want out of the situation. The best thing you can do is learn to tell the difference between unhealthy and healthy confrontation.
Healthy Confrontation:
- Is for a purpose.
- Is respectful of the individual.
- Isn’t emotional in the moment.
- Is based around clear communication and expression of desires and intention.
- Isn’t personal.
Unhealthy Confrontation:
- Is destructive.
- Causes problems.
- Isn’t respectful of the individual.
- Creates or is charged by emotions.
- Doesn’t communicate desires as much as feelings.
- Becomes personal.
By adopting a clear understanding of the differences between healthy and unhealthy confrontation, it can take away some of the fear of confrontation. The realization that you are doing good when you confront people, can improve your ability to healthily engage in conflict.
Confrontational thinking isn’t bad because confrontational is based around the idea of getting what you want or at least expressing your desires to the other party. There is no bonus in life for moving through discussions without telling people how you actually feel. Another word for hiding your actual feelings and emotion is dishonesty. Confrontation and honesty are best friends, avoiding confrontation requires a certain level of dishonesty.
Confrontation Truth two: confrontation makes you stronger.
Confrontation requires you to have strength, fortitude and the ability to stomach the harder emotions. In short a hearty love for confrontation will eventually lead you to becoming stronger as a person. Confrontations make you better, because each time you engage in a confrontation you gain more experience in handling such conflicts. You’ll grow in your mastery and you’ll get better with each confrontation.
It’s somewhat like lifting weights, the more weight you lift, the stronger you’ll get. Therefore, the more confrontation that you will be involved in, the less nervous it’ll make you. Over time, you will find that you are becoming much better at confronting people. Remember, confrontation isn’t a dirty word, it’s not about hurting people or making people angry, it’s about expressing yourself and making sure that you get your own way.
Each time you confront someone, you will find yourself being forced to deal with adrenaline, nerves, fear and other things that will hold you back. And each time you overcome those feelings and continue with your confrontation, you will be able to strengthen yourself for the next time around. Eventually you will cease from being a pushover and start becoming a strong, assertive individual. This is where we change from being normal to being ruthless. Each time we make the conscious decision to assert ourselves, and push other people back, we are growing our confrontation skills. Eventually you reach a point where you don’t need to worry so much about other people pushing you around and instead you’ll always jump at the chance to engage in a confrontation.
Before we get into the quick and dirty tips to win any confrontation, let’s go ahead and take a look at all of the elements that make up someone who is effective at confrontation.
Element one: assertiveness.
Assertiveness is the act and the art of putting yourself forward. Being assertive means making your opinions, points, ideas and thoughts known to other people. It’s not very easy to be assertive because our default nature is one of compliance. Compliance punishes assertiveness and calls it selfishness. To be assertive means to have your own interests first and put yourself forward more aggressively. Assertiveness has a forcefulness to it, and there’s nothing wrong being forceful.
A lot of times people aren’t assertive because they don’t want to be seen as brash or mean. But that’s just something that you’re going to have to give up if you want to become more assertive. One way to become assertive is to speak louder, be more forceful with what you say, and refuse to back down from your position. One common situation that denotes lack of assertiveness is where someone makes a claim, determines the value of that claim and then immediately retracts the claim. For example, suppose a man were to tell his wife “I think you’re too mean to me.” She responds poorly and he replies with “you know I’m just kidding.” That is the polar opposite of being assertive. Retracting a claim after someone disagrees with what you say isn’t assertive, you have to be willing to be resolute and strong. It requires you to be honest and
courageous. Assertiveness is necessary. Think of being assertive like having a hand that pushes out. Your voice is that hand when it comes to assertiveness. Don’t speak with a nervous softness, speak with a strong, firm authoritativeness that dictates that you are in perfect control of the situation. This display of force is known as assertiveness and it will garner you respect in the negotiation. Don’t confuse assertiveness with aggressiveness. There is no value in being nasty, mean or insulting to people. You have no reason to be aggressive with anyone when you’re making negotiations during a confrontation. Assertiveness and aggression are two entirely different things and they need to be treated as such. You can build up your assertiveness by focusing on being heard whenever you have a confrontation.
Element number two: readiness
Not only do you have to be assertive when it comes to conflict and confrontation, you also need to be ready at all times to engage in confrontation. This means you have to look for opportunities in which you can refine your skills. A lot of people are looking to avoid confrontation, so they see it coming and they try to get out of the way. On the other hand, if you are someone who wants to become more confrontational, then you need to develop a willingness to run into confrontation. This requires a change in your own perspective, because no longer are you focusing on avoiding something, instead you’re focused on engaging in a battle. The readiness will reduce your nerves and fear because it’s something that you are wanting to do. The act of running towards confrontation improves your stomach for it. This means that you look at things as an opportunity to grow and improve as opposed to avoid. This is a major change in thinking because it creates the readiness to get involved on a serious level.
The Art of Being Ruthless Page 8
