This means that when you see a chance to negotiate a new salary, or ask for a raise, you are willing to run in headfirst. This means that instead of hiding the truth from people, you are willing to speak honestly and earnestly in other people’s lives. This means that everything that you desire to engage in is no longer about your own comfort and safety but is instead about taking risks. This mindset changes the entire nature of your relationship with confrontation.
Element number three: playfulness
This might come as a surprise but the individual who is experienced and skilled with negotiation, confrontation and disagreement doesn’t necessarily have a solemn viewpoint of all of the above. Rather they have a feeling of sportsmanship or playfulness that they associate with their work. To them it’s fun to have these kinds of discussions. Rather than feeling afraid or worried, they move into these discussions and arguments with the feeling of excitement. They enjoy the thrill of the fight; they enjoy the experience of going back and forth. They don’t take anything too seriously and they aren’t worried about losing. This makes it far easier to stomach confrontation than just to worry about it all the time. Instead of going into some huge fight with the feeling of worry and fear, going towards it with a feeling of excitement and pleasure will reframe the entire experience. This will make you significantly more capable of dealing with the stressors that are involved with confrontation. Fights, anger, shouting; none of those things can really affect an individual when they’re looking at all of those things as part of the sport. It’s all about your perspective, if you are worried and afraid, then you will be far more stressed out than if you were to have a casual, relaxed attitude towards confrontation.
Element number four: honesty.
Part of confrontation requires you to be honest about your position. Many times, we like to hide how we feel, we like to pretend that we agree with something when actually we’re upset with it. This is no good for us. If we’re not going to be able to be honest with people, then we’re never going to get our own way. So, if you want to become a confrontational individual, then you have to develop a mindset of being honest. The honesty element cannot be overstated. For example, if you want a raise and your boss offers you something that isn’t satisfactory, our natural inclination is to accept that. We say thank you that’s great, instead of saying that it isn’t enough for us. The latter requires honesty whereas the former only prevents you from doing what you actually want. There are no prizes for lying, there is no reward for second best, and worst of all when you refuse to tell people the truth, you are making yourself out to be a liar. We don’t want to be liars; we don’t want to project falsehoods. You might realize at this point that being ruthless is actually more about being honest than it is about being deceptive. The difference between an assertive, confrontational individual and a cowardly individual is honesty. If you do not desire to be honest with other people, then you will never be able to be confrontational. Part of confrontation is stating the truth about what you want.
Element number five: goal oriented.
Confrontation also requires you to have a goal. Before you get involved in any kind of discussion, disagreement, or argument, you’re going to need to be able to realize what your goal is and then work to achieve a goal. The difference between a fight and a confrontation is that in a fight, the goal is usually to cause pain. Your goal in a confrontation is to get what you actually want. A lot of times we can start confrontations without realizing what we want. You can see this mostly in our relational circles.
When you have a discussion with someone and you begin fighting with them, it’s usually because you don’t actually know what you want out of the situation. Think about it like this, before you go into any serious confrontation, ask yourself what would make you happy in the situation. Is there some kind of resolution that you would like to see? Do you desire change in some area? Are you trying to get them to see things your way, gain respect, or just gain some additional money for your work? Don’t fall for the trap of thinking that just because you started confrontation, that you’ll be able to figure out what you want in the middle of it. That will cause more frustration and confusion on your end because if you do not have a clear position, you are going to feel your emotions rise due to a feeling of vulnerability.
Think of your goal like an anchor. It is the thing that keeps you from losing track of what you are saying. A good confrontation, good negotiation always has an end goal or objective before you start.
So, there you have it! A solid collection of all the elements and truths about confrontation. These together will make up for a strong, confident individual who is capable of confronting others without fear. Now that we’ve talked about both the elements and reasons to engage in confrontation, it’s time to start learning how to win at these confrontations.
Just because you’re in a confrontation doesn’t mean that you have to play fair. Many times, the entire point of a confrontation is for you to get your own way. If you want to achieve great things in the confrontation, then you’re going to need to have some kind of tactics. A good playbook is invaluable when it comes to negotiating a raise, arguing a point with a friend or trying to get out of a serious conflict gracefully. With that in mind, let’s go ahead and start looking at a series of tips and tactics that you can use to win any confrontation they you get engaged in.
Confrontation tactic one: stay cool.
When you’re in a conflict, there can be an immense temptation to lose your cool. Sometimes someone might say something that you don’t like, or worse they try to taunt you. Their taunting and badgering might give you the urge to fly off the handle and go into a rage, but it is important for you to be able to weather their attack. When you lose your cool in an argument, you essentially lose the argument. The moment you start to become emotional is the moment that that you start to lose control. Once you start to lose control, you’re not going to be able to get it back.
Instead of giving into the urge to get angry, try to remember that the entire point of winning a confrontation is to get your way. When emotion gets in the way, you will find it much harder to speak clearly, to make yourself known and to gain respect from your opponent. This is why you need to purpose in your heart to never allow for them to frustrate, agitate, irritate or anger you.
How do we learn to avoid such feelings? It’s simple, you just need to remember the goal of what you’re trying to achieve. Deep breathing exercises can help as well. Instead of just rushing to speak the moment you hear something, take a moment to pause and soak it in. Anger is a secondary reaction to fear. Usually, when we become angry it’s because we feel threatened on some level. The solution to keeping your cool is to realize that your opponent has no ability to harm you. This will reduce your anger and hopefully will help you have more self-control in the moment.
Keep your priorities straight. Are you there to inflict pain or are you there to win? If you want to win, you’re going to have to keep your cool, so never give into your rage.
Confrontation tactic two: never defend.
One of the trickiest maneuvers your opponent can use on you during a confrontation is to levy an accusation that will derail the conversation. When you go into a confrontation, you should have a specific plan and goal. When you begin the confrontation, the person that you’re engaged with will counter with something that isn’t entirely related, but it’s enough to warrant your interest. A lesser experienced individual will take the bait and begin to try and defend themselves. The entire argument then changes and is no longer about the subject that you brought to the table, rather it is about protecting yourself from the attack that your opponent laid at your feet. You should be able to see that this is simply a distraction tactic meant to change the point of the conversation.
So, what do we do when we encounter this kind of problem? It’s simple, we make a commitment to never defend against things that are not part of the initial discussion. For example, if you were going into ask for a raise
from your boss and your boss tells you that you didn’t do something right at your job the other day, you might want to give into the temptation to start arguing against that. But by doing so you are eliminating any chance for you to stay on topic. This is called losing ground. You don’t want to lose ground, so the right decision to make is to simply shelve that discussion. So, when someone brings up something that you aren’t interested in arguing about, you merely have to say that is not the point of discussion right now. By refusing to engage in their defensive tactics, you are empowering yourself to stay on target. This increases your chance of actually reaching your goals in the discussion.
What you do if they refused to let up from that topic? Well, that’s a tricky one, but one of the best actions that you can do is to simply tell them that you will have a discussion on that topic at a later date but you’re here to talk about the subject that you brought up.
One of the biggest dangers in an argument is the urge defend yourself. Whenever you try to defend yourself, you are just giving legitimacy to the charges they bring against you. This is very common in relationship arguments. Don’t give into the temptation to protect yourself, instead keep focusing on your goal and do not let go of your plan.
Confrontation tactic three: repeat yourself.
Believe it or not, but goals can become quickly muddled in the middle of a confrontation. The solution to this muddling is to consistently bring it back to your main point. This means you are required to repeat yourself.
Many times, we become so focused on our own emotions and opinions during an argument that we lose sight of what the whole point of the argument is. This will happen in your opponent as well. Your opponent will most likely be just as unfocused and frustrated as you are. This is why it is essential for you to continuously repeat your point, don’t bash it over their heads and certainly don’t repeat it angrily, just make sure that they are very well aware of what your intentions are. By stating your intentions at the very beginning of a discussion, you are improving your chances of getting your way. Why is that? Because people tend to respond to the last piece of information that they receive. If they know that you are purely arguing to reach a specific goal and point, they will be significantly less defensive. Keep repeating what your main goal is and do not let them lose focus of it during the fight.
Confrontation tactic four: never get personal.
The easiest way to lose any confrontation is to make it personal. Rather than try to argue on the point, or argue on the merits of the conversation, you might just be willing to name call. Name calling, personal attacks and focusing directly on the character of the person that you are disagreeing with is a sure shot way to get yourself booted out of the conversation.
Nothing shuts a person down faster than the feelings of being personally attacked. That is when they become extremely defensive and will try to argue with you. Their emotions will rise significantly and they become impossible to reason with. It might be tempting, especially when you’re frustrated with the situation, to levy a personal attack against your opponent, but in doing so you are dooming the conversation. Instead, focus only on the points at hand.
If you want to be extremely clever, you’re going to have to learn how to be able to levy personal charges against someone without them feeling attacked. For example, suppose you were trying to confront a person about the way they treat you. They have been very hostile and mean to you over the years and you are sick and tired of it. So, you decide to put a stop to it by calling them out on their bad behavior. The most tempting solution to the problem would be to just simply tell them that they are a bad person, they are mean and that they are hurting your feelings. This will do nothing except make them even more defensive and pretty soon you are engaged in a back-and-forth that will never end.
So how do we present a personal issue to someone without them feeling that they are being attacked? It’s simple we learn how to communicate our grievances without directly assaulting them. For example, speaking in non-judgmental phrases helps. Instead of saying “you are a bad person,” try telling them how their behavior is affecting you. This changes the conversation entirely. It’s no longer about you saying something mean about them, rather you are talking about how you are experiencing their behavior. This gets past a defensive individual’s desire to protect themselves and it might end up helping resolve the problem more effectively. Speaking in nonjudgmental, non-accusatory language has a better chance of changing someone’s mind than pushing at them directly. Someone convinced against their will, never actually changes their mind.
Another effective tactic when laying criticism on someone is what’s known as the sandwich technique. Now the sandwich technique has different types of reception, but it generally works as long as you are authentic. How the sandwich technique works is that before you criticize someone, you say something nice about them. You say something nice, you criticize them gently, and then you say something nice about them again. This technique is designed to allow a person to feel heard and valued instead of just attacked. It’s very easy to point someone’s flaws out and there is very little work required to hurt someone’s feelings. But by using the sandwich technique, you are disarming your opponent by showing them that you have good intentions. Mileage may vary on this one, but it can be effective with the right people.
Confrontation tactic five: make them feel like you are on their side.
The easiest fight to win is the one that isn’t a fight all. Confused? It’s simple. If you have the need to bring something up to someone, it’s far easier to convince them that you have their best interest in mind than to convince them that you are right. For example, if you are calling someone out on a character flaw, bringing it up in such a way as to help the person improve from their flaw will work far better than just accusing them angrily. When a person feels like you are trying to help them by calling their behavior into play, it can benefit you greatly.
But what if your intentions have nothing to do with helping them, is it still worth using this tactic? Absolutely! Just because your intentions are different, doesn’t mean you can’t use this tactic. The goal of any confrontation tactic is to assist you in winning, so if you feel that it can help your case, then by all means use it. Convincing your opponent that you are on his side will allow for far more constructive conversation than if he were to feel that he is engaged in some kind of power struggle. You very well could have only your own interests at heart, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that he perceives you as caring.
How do we convince someone that we care? We talk about our struggle in language designed to assist them. We talk about the good of the company, we talk about how important this thing would be for them, we highlight the benefits of the action but we don’t focus on the benefits for us, we focus on the benefits for them. For example, if a wife is trying to get her husband to go to counseling, rather than focus on how counseling would fix him, she might make more noise about how counseling would benefit her and improve her behavior. The reality is a good counselor will cause both of them to change, but all she needs to do is get him to support idea of both of them going in the hopes that she will change. This greatly can stack the deck in your favor when it comes to convincing someone to do things your way.
Confrontation tactic six: do your homework.
The best way to go into a conversation with someone is to be fully aware of what you’re going to say. If you are trying to negotiate with someone, having additional information on the situation will drastically improve your chances for success. At the same time, if you fail to do your research and sufficient homework on the situation, you could end up walking into a situation where you’re potentially blind.
For example, if you are in a negotiation with the company and you are trying to acquire their firm, you should have spent sufficient time trying to find any vulnerability or weakness that this firm might have. If you’re fortunate, you might discover some weakness that will allow you to exploit them in t
he middle of your negotiations. At the same time, if you neglected to do any research, you are entirely at their mercy. There is no reason to assume that any individual that you are in negotiations with is telling the truth. Instead, what you’re going to want to do is research all of the facts for yourself, that way you know what is true and what is a lie.
What we do when we have caught them in a lie? We hold onto it until it is advantageous for us. Loudly calling out someone in a lie does you no good, you’ll want to use it when you have the opportunity to use it for good of the discussion. Remember, the point of winning a confrontation is to get your own way, not to feel superior or better than them. This means you need to hold onto pertinent information until it is absolutely vital to use.
One great example of doing sufficient research and holding onto the evidence is usually during politics. A good politician always makes sure to learn dirt on his opponent, but he doesn’t immediately release the dirt, he waits until it will maximize his political benefit. This might be seen as a scumbag move by other people, but it’s a legitimate strategy. For example, some politicians have a habit of unsealing their opponents divorce records. Divorce records can tend to be very nasty and if a politician plays his cards right, he’s able to get access to things that the opponent certainly doesn’t want anyone to know. Doing so can give him a tremendous benefit in the confrontation, and it could very well win him an election.
The Art of Being Ruthless Page 9
