Never Been Loved

by Kars, C. M.

I hate being reminded of the fact that I’d be gone without her. Not that I’m not grateful, just that I’m a shit for not taking care of myself better. I squint at her, backpedalling to the whole friend-zoned shit. “Men and women can’t be friends. It’s a proven scientific fact.”

  “Bullshit. They can to. I have tons of guy friends!” she shouts, and her eyes are big, and her bun has slipped sort of to the side, and I have this crazy urge to hug the shit out of her. Relax.

  “How many do you have?”

  She rolls her eyes at me – so fucking cute. And squirms in her seat. I hold my breath when she shudders from her cold jeans. I’d gladly ask her to take her pants off, but I don’t want to get slapped anytime soon.

  “I may have exaggerated. I exaggerate eighteen hundred percent of the time, just so you know. I have four guy friends.”

  “Are they single?” I ask.

  “Yeah, they are.” Looks like Sera can’t add 2 plus 2.

  “They’re not your friends,” I say, and watch her face get mean. The way her lips pull back from her teeth and her eyebrows shoot low on her forehead have my dick getting hard again. I’m going to pass out from the constant north-south game in blood loss. Jesus.

  “What the frak do you know? They are my friends. Buddies. People I can trust. What does it matter if they have a Y chromosome or not?”

  “Are any of your boys gay?” It’s kinda fun poking at the angry little lioness. She’d rip my throat out for sure, but her fierceness in something so inane has my heart tripping its time.

  “No. It wouldn’t matter if they were.”

  “Baby.” It just comes out without even thinking about it. “No one would just want to be friends with you.”

  She laughs, right in my face, like what I’ve said is so damn dumb, it just doesn’t exist in her reality.

  “And I’m telling you, baby, that they are my friends. Plain and simple. They’ve never put moves on me. Ever.”

  I’ve pulled her in with my teasing, and she’s leaned so far forward, arms crossed on the table doing fucking magnificent things to her tits.

  I want to kiss her, just lean over and kiss her. But there’s a game to be played, and a finesse I need to acquire before I can get her to be mine. Her lips look soft, and she’s doing that parted-mouth thing that’s begging me to kiss her and get my tongue in the mix.

  I think for a split second we could be on the same page, only for that fucking kid waiter to not even clear his throat, but plant plates in between us. Asshole.

  Sera’s cheeks have turned a little pink, and I find myself grinning for no reason at all. She digs in, and says around her food, “You know, you can meet the boys, if you want. Matty thinks they’re cool. We can even all go hang out – as friends.”

  Christ, I like her eyes on me, watching me cut my food, and pop it in my mouth. Manners, manners.

  “If you think they’re your friends, then fine.” I set down my fork and knife. Pull in a sharp breath. Christ, I feel like a kid. Rejection sucks, no matter how old you are.

  “I don’t want to be your friend, Sera. Ever since that first day in the elevator with Aly.” I rushed through the last bit, trying to get past that ugly part of my life. “You’d moved in a couple of days before that.” I look back all those days ago, her wearing that shirt, and reading, of all fucking things.

  “You were wearing a custom shirt, something about Ponyboy Curtis? I saw you reading a thick-ass book, and you were reacting to it, freaking out at what was written there. The shirt made me smile. You made me smile. I hadn’t smiled for a long time. You made my day better.”

  I’m half afraid I’ll laugh if that piece of chicken panini falls out of her mouth since its wide open in shock. “But you’re with her, Alysha, I mean.”

  “Aly... Alysha never reads and she doesn’t wear shirts that only a few people would understand. She’s not like you. Never could be like you.” I catch her pinching herself, and yeah, I get that squeeze in my chest ‘cause I want Sera really fucking bad. “Aly and I had an arrangement that ended. Looks like she’s been talking to my mother.”

  “I don’t know why you’re telling me this,” she says. She’s gone quiet and I’m not too sure what that means,

  Christ, she’s gonna make me work for it. I can do even better. I grunt. “I’m not with her. I stopped everything I had with her the day after the elevator. When you were the one that took me to the hospital and she was nowhere to be found. When you were the one that had to take Matty home and watch him overnight.”

  She shakes her head slightly, like she’s trying to wake up from a dream. “I did what anyone would have done. I had to help you out. I mean, your mom coulda taken him home, too, but I was cool with it and-”

  I can’t take it anymore. I need to touch her.

  “Baby, you didn’t have to do any of that. You didn’t have to take Matty home with you, a stranger’s kid. If Aly was my girl like she really wanted to be, she’d have been there, not you.”

  “I also happened to find you leaning against the wall.” She pulls away from me, but keeps talking. “It could’ve been her who found you, not me.”

  I shovel more food into my mouth ’cause I need to be at my best. Sera can talk circles around me and I know if I let her, I’d do anything she commands me to. I’m enthralled by her graciousness, her sweetness, and how she can be so fucking considerate to a complete stranger.

  “Should’ve been her. She was in my apartment when I told her I wasn’t feeling good and needed to get out in the hall for some extra space,” I explain. “I’m not rational when my sugar spikes. I can’t think properly or logically. I just want what I want. And I wanted to get out.”

  Sera nods, and I feel like explaining my illness isn’t going to be so hard with her. Invisible weights fall off my shoulders and I can breathe a little easier in what feels like fucking years.

  “How long were you waiting out there, in the hall?” My little fierce lioness has got her tiny hands curled into fists, and she’s clenching her jaw so tight I’m afraid she’ll crack a tooth.

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “Are you fraking kidding me?” she snarls. “You could have died out there! What if I hadn’t come up when I did? What the frak is that?” She stops abruptly and looks anywhere but at me.

  I’m... humbled by her concern. I don’t think my own mother gives that much shit about me, yet Sera does. I don’t even try to fight back a smile.

  “I’m sorry. I forgot that my volume control’s off.” She stares into her newly replaced glass of water and wraps her hands around it.

  “How can someone do that? Just leave you out there?” I watch her mouth pop open and I really, fucking really need to kiss her. “Oh my God, what about Matty? She was there when I yelled out for him? What the fuck was she doing, taking a dump?”

  I can’t help it anymore. She’s glorious when she’s pissed, and that it’s on my behalf, well, I feel like I can move the planets out of alignment. I laugh, a full-blown laugh, the kind I used to have when I was a kid before everything went to shit.

  “What’s your favourite movie in the whole entire world?” she asks, eyes lighting up with something like mischief. I don’t think I’ve ever been teased this way in my life.

  “It would be The Goonies. Like I said, Brand was like my idol until I hit puberty. But I like everything Martin Scorsese does. I can watch The Departed all day long.” She smiles at that admission and I find myself wanting to tell her all the stupid shit about me if it gets me that smile on a regular basis. “And yours?”

  “It’s so hard to choose. I probably have one in every category, then there’s sub-categories and all that. But I’m on a superhero kick right now. But I also watch a lot of British TV. Have you seen Sherlock?”

  I shake my head. “Nope,” but I end up popping the ‘p’ sound and watch her smile get big and wide. I don’t even know what I did.

  “It’ll rock your world. Every single show is pretty much awesome.”


  I’d like you to rock my world. All day and all night.

  Talking about our favourite movies and shows gets us through the rest of our meal, and Sera orders no dessert, maybe because I can’t have any, but orders a coffee.

  “I still haven’t seen The Avengers,” I say, more to see her reaction than anything else. Back when it came out, I was younger, a year in to being a Dad and just bone tired all the time. Come to think of it, I still don’t go out much.

  I grin then nearly pass out when she chokes on her coffee.

  “That could be on par with never having seen Star Wars.” I let my face do the talking for me. “No. No fraking way. What is wrong with you?”

  “I have a lot wrong with me, actually.”

  She actually sticks her tongue out at me. “That’s not what I meant and you know it. Well, looks like you’re going to be borrowing a lot of my DVDs. There are rules to be followed when it comes to my preciousses.”

  “Why don’t we watch them together?” I just might still have some game left.

  “Friends do that. They watch movies together. It happens,” I say, shrugging. Don’t scare her off. Let her give you a chance, you asshole. Don’t push her too far.

  “This is true,” she says, nervously drinking more of her coffee. “Can you call to see if Matty’s okay?”

  I let go of my breath, and fish my phone out of my pocket. She’s not Aly. She actually likes Matty.

  “I was going to call in a bit, but if you really want to know.” I dial Mom’s place, and watch Sera looking at me, waiting to see how the little guy is doing. I have to be careful with her. “Hey Mom. Put Matty on the phone, please,” I say once she picks up the line.

  “Hunter, we need to discuss what happened here today. Why are you out with that whale? Where is Alysha-”

  I don’t let her finish. “Yeah, I’ll talk to you later, but I want to speak to the kid.”

  “Hunter-”

  “Yeah. Have a good night, then.” Mom sighs long and hard just to prove a point. But she gets Matty anyway.

  “Hey, little man.”

  “Hi Daddy!”

  “Did you get a shower? Good. Are you watching a movie?”

  “Yup.”

  “Which one?”

  “Peter Pan! It’s my favourite!”

  “Ah, kid, again? All right. We’ll see you soon, okay.”

  “Okay. Love you, Daddy!” I’m kicked in the gut when says that to me, every single time.

  “Yeah, love you, too. Sera says hi.”

  “Oh! Say hi!”

  “All right, I’ll tell her. Bye, buddy.” I really fucking like the look on Sera’s face when I end the call. Could be she thinks I’m cute, too.

  “Ready to go?” I ask, then try to freeze her with a look when she goes fishing in her purse for what can only be her wallet.

  I like that she’s having none of it. “I’m going to pay for what I ate. We’re friends. Friends share the bill. It’s a proven fact. You don’t mess with fact, Hunt.”

  Holy fucking shit, her nickname for me goes straight to my dick. How in fuck does she do that? Say something intelligent, man.

  “Not if one friend decided to treat the other one, for you know, looking after him twice, and getting him to the hospital that one time?”

  “I... uh...” She’s stumped, and then glares at me. “You can’t use that bloody trick forever! Next time, it’s on me. Got it?”

  “Sure.” Yeah, right.

  I grab her hand as we leave the restaurant giving a nod to the waiter kid. We walk towards my car, and I’m almost at the passenger side, ready to open the door for her, when she makes me laugh again.

  “You have gone out of friend territory. Please turn back at the slightest convenience,” she says, voice robotic.

  I squeeze our interlocked fingers and pull her closer to me. She doesn’t resist.

  “Who said I ever wanted to be friends?” I ask.

  “I did. I’m pretty sure I did. Yes, I did.” She nods, head bobbing up and down. Christ, do I really make her that nervous? Do I like making her that nervous? “I can’t be with you... like that.”

  Ah, fuck. Knew it bro, from the beginning. You can’t land a prime piece like her.

  “What’ll it take to convince you, then?” I’ve opened the door for her, but now we’re standing in the space between the car frame and the car parked next to me.

  I say what I’ve wanted to do all night long. “A kiss?”

  I make the mistake of staring at her mouth for a fraction too long, then look into her eyes. The eyes that look so dark in the evening, but I know they’re made of dark green fire. The eyes that say so many things without her lips moving. She’s a puzzle I haven’t figured out yet since I don’t have all the pieces. I don’t think I’ll ever have all the pieces.

  But the way she’s looking at me? Fuck.

  It’s not fair the way she’s gone somewhere in her head, and I’m pretty sure we’re almost getting hot and heavy in the safe space of her brain. I sort of wish I could join her there, too.

  Paralyzed, I watch her lick her lips and stare at my mouth with so much longing and intent, my skin starts to tingle. This one, pure look on her face destroys me. She wants me. I know she does.

  But I’m not going to push.

  “No,” she says, dead serious.

  I’m going to have to wait for her to come to me first – even if it kills me.

  Chapter 14

  I screwed up. Royally fucking screwed up. I jumped the gun.

  I don’t know what to say, and I’m not sure what to do.

  I crossed a line. I pushed too fast.

  What kind of girl wants to deal with your shit all the time anyway? Who wants to be told that you can’t go out yet, ’cause you gotta check your sugar, and Matty’s. Who wants to wait for you to drink a juice before doing anything on the fly? Who wants a kid around either?

  Jesus Christ.

  The silence is oppressive in my car. I just can’t open my mouth to apologize for my awful behaviour. I grind my teeth and settle for using my hyper-attention on the road. I’m just so tired of fighting my body to do the things I want. I’m tired of putting up a front when most days I just want to go to pieces and stare down a dozen donuts and wonder if, after all this time, I’m miraculously healed.

  But I can’t do that – I have responsibilities, and no matter how much I’m attracted to Sera, I can’t force her into wanting to be with a guy like me. My face and body have taken me years of hard work to maintain as I tried to regulate my sugars. They both mask the disaster zone underneath the flesh and muscle.

  I’m a fucking mess all the time, and no one deserves to have that burden placed on them without a hundred percent disclosure.

  I just can’t stop the tiny flare of firework hope in my chest thinking that Sera’s already seen me at my very worst, and maybe, just maybe, she can come to terms with the fact that I can be better, that I’m more than blood sugar levels and perfectly portioned meals.

  I wasn’t paying attention to her, or how uncomfortable my silence would make her, and that’s the last thing I want to do. Make her uncomfortable around me. Next thing I know, she’s gently grabbed my hand off the shift and wrapped both of hers around my paw. She does this all delicate-like, as if I’m going to go ape-shit any second.

  And Christ, my skin tingles where we make contact.

  I feel completely out of my depth; floating somewhere in the vast ocean of something I don’t have a name for. Sera’s doing something to me, and I don’t know what it is.

  I think she’s charming me, seducing me in a way that has nothing to do with her body, or her sexy mouth. I’m afraid I’m going to say something stupid, that I’m going to ruin the spell.

  What’s worse, I’m kind of terrified, the whole shaky feeling invading my gut that she’ll take her hand away from me. My mind’s half on the road, and half on the anchor her hand on mine has become. She’s holding me close, like I’m going to run away.


  Shit, she must feel the sweat along my palm as we get closer and closer to Mom’s house. How shitty that place is, like a fucking black hole, sucking all the good and bad in with it just because it can, because there’s nothing else it’s good at.

  I park in front of my old house, absently looking at the layers and layers of brick that never made this place a home. Fuck, what does she think about me? What’s going on in her head right now, looking at my old house, where I come from?

  I look over at her, pulling my hand away from the cradle of hers. I almost smile when she keeps both of hers around mine, unwilling to let me go. I bring hers close to my mouth, laying a kiss on her knuckles, her skin warm and soft, smelling like vanilla sugar.

  I keep my mouth on them, looking at her, trying to figure out what’s on her face. If this is all I’ll ever have with her, if this moment in my car - my mouth pressed against her knuckles – is the only one we ever get, I think I could be satisfied with that.

  I think I could pull away now, and survive, knowing that there aren’t only women like Aly and my mom out there – that a woman like Sera could possibly want to spend time with me, even when I’ve shown her how hopeless my situation is.

  “I like what we have,” she says, keeping our hands together. I’m suddenly very aware of my heart beat, the deep rhythm rushing in my ears, pulsing through my veins. “I like being with Matty, and I like hanging out with you. Don’t ruin it. Please don’t ruin it.”

  Hopeless. I was so close to kissing her, to tasting her. To seeing what it’s like to be looked at without lust, without wanting something from me.

  I can’t help the grunt that bolts out of me, like someone sat on my chest, pushing all my air out. I drop my mouth from our hands but she doesn’t let go. My heart races wildfire in my chest, and if I didn’t know better, I’d think my sugar was dropping again.

  “What about what I want? When do I get to choose?” she asks me, and I can’t help flashing my teeth at her.

  Animal. No one wants the wild animal.

  “You made all this fucking shit, my entire fucking life, better just by walking into it with your stupid shirts.” My voice is tight, like I’m being strangled by the very words I’m uttering. I just look at her, really look at her and see the fear on her face. She’s scared – of me? Of what we could be? Which one?