by Amy Clipston
Veronica turned toward her mother, who seemed to be deep in thought. “Did you talk to him, Mamm?”
Mamm sighed. “Yes, and he seems genuinely upset to me too. He wanted to know how he could get you to forgive him, and I told him to give you space.” Her eyes were full of sympathy. “I don’t think he meant to hurt you. Your emotions are still tender after losing Seth. You wanted to trust him, but he let you down. I’m so sorry, Veronica. I can’t stand to see you suffer like this.”
Veronica nodded. She could see the pain in her mother’s eyes.
“You know you have to forgive him,” Mamm added. “The hurt will get better. I promise you.”
Veronica considered her mother’s words. Of course she had to forgive him. That was their way. Her thoughts moved to Jason’s handsome face, gorgeous caramel eyes, and adorable crooked smile. He’d stolen her heart with his warm laugh and sweet personality. She’d trusted him with her deepest secrets and most precious memories of Seth. Now she’d have to find a way to get past this hurt along with her grief over losing Seth. Lying in bed and wallowing in self-pity wasn’t the way to do it.
She rubbed her hand across her face again. “Are you done hanging out the laundry?” she asked Emily.
Emily shook her head. “No, but I’ll get it done.”
“Let me help you.” Veronica stood up. “I think the fresh air is the best thing for my mood. I need to get outside.”
Mamm gave her a sad smile. “Ya, you’re right. But, Veronica, Jason also asked me to tell you he loves you. And I believe him.” Veronica sniffed and her lips trembled as she let her mother’s words take root. Then she blew out a deep sigh and followed her mother and sister downstairs. She needed to find her strength. Somehow she would overcome this emotional pain.
But how would she ever erase her feelings for Jason Huyard?
JASON FOUND HIS FATHER IN THE OFFICE, STARING AT ONE OF his accounting books. “Dat?” His voice was raspy with emotion. “Do you have a minute?”
Dat pulled off his half glasses as he looked up. “Jason?” His eyes widened with worry. “What happened?”
“Things didn’t go the way I’d hoped.” Jason pulled the office door closed and dropped onto the chair in front of his father’s desk. A skylight provided enough light to give the office a warm, sunny glow that seemed to mock his bleak mood. “I told Veronica the truth, and she was crushed. I tried to apologize and explain that I love her, but she told me to leave.” He detailed his conversation with Veronica as his father listened with a sympathetic expression.
Jason absently ran his fingers over his father’s wooden desk while he recalled the pain in Veronica’s eyes. “I’ve really messed this up, and I don’t know how to make it better. I love her, Dat. I love her more than I’ve ever loved anyone. How can I possibly make her see how sorry I am? How do I make this up to her? How do I prove my love to her?”
Dat leaned back in his chair and steepled his fingers while considering his response. “Don’t give up on her.”
“What do you mean?” Jason asked. “I’ve already begged for her forgiveness and explained how wrong I was.”
“You need to keep telling her that. You need to remind her every day if you have to. Show her you know you made a horrible mistake, but you’re not going to rest until she really sees how sorry you are.” Dat folded his arms over his chest. “If you love her, you’ll have to fight for her.”
Jason nodded. “I will.” He stood and started toward the office door.
“Jason,” Dat called to him, and Jason looked back over his shoulder. “If she’s as special as you’ve said, she will forgive you. It just might take her some time to realize you didn’t mean to hurt her.”
“Danki, Dat.” Jason walked slowly from the office, and the burden of his emotional and physical exhaustion weighed heavily on his shoulders. He hoped his father was right. He vowed not to give up until he convinced Veronica he loved her and was truly sorry.
CHAPTER 19
“YOU WERE QUIET DURING SUPPER,” MAMM SAID AS SHE carried dirty dishes to the sink.
“I have a lot on my mind.” Jason gathered up the glasses and placed them on the counter while she filled one side of the sink with hot, frothy water. “Could I possibly take some flowers from your garden?”
Mamm turned toward him. “What do you mean take some of my flowers?”
The idea had popped into his mind as he helped his father with paperwork earlier at work. He had been trying to think of something he could give Veronica to try to show her how much he loved her. Flowers seemed to always brighten a maedel’s day.
“I’m going to see Veronica tonight, and I want to give her something.”
“You’re going to see her tonight?” Mamm eyed him. “You look like you haven’t slept in days. I think you need to stay home and get some sleep. You’ll see her over the weekend.”
Jason had to tell her the truth. “It’s more complicated than just going to visit her and bringing her a bouquet of flowers. We broke up today, and I need to find a way to win her back.”
“Ach, no.” Mamm frowned. “What happened?”
The water was nearly to the rim of the sink and still running. Jason reached past her and turned off the faucet before it flooded the kitchen. He explained what happened when he told Veronica the truth, and Mamm’s hazel eyes sparkled with sympathy.
“I love her,” Jason said, his voice thick with anguish. “I just don’t know how to prove it to her. I know I was wrong to not tell her about Seth from the beginning, but I can’t accept that I have to lose her for the rest of my life because of it. I need to find a way to get her not only to forgive me, but also to give me a second chance.”
“Ach, Jason.” Mamm touched his cheek. “You’re on the right track.” She retrieved a vase from the cabinet beside her. “Help yourself to any of my flowers. Let me get you a box to transport them.” She disappeared into the mudroom and returned with a small cardboard box. “You’re a gut man, Jason. Don’t lose your faith.”
“Danki.” Jason added warm water to the vase, went to the garden, and cut a handful of bright-purple lavender, white daisies, blue lily of the Nile, yellow black-eyed Susans, white begonias, orange dahlias, and purple petunias. Then he climbed into his buggy and began the trek to Veronica’s house. His hands trembled and his chest constricted at the thought of losing her forever. He prayed for the right words to convince her he loved her and wanted to make things right.
VERONICA WASHED A GLASS AS RACHEL DRIED A PLATE after supper that evening. Mamm and Emily had gone to the harness shop to help Dat clean and to balance the books, and Veronica and Rachel had stayed behind to clean up after the meal.
“Emily told me what happened with Jason earlier today,” Rachel said.
Veronica nodded and kept her eyes focused on the glass while she rinsed it. She didn’t have the strength to respond to Rachel’s comment.
Veronica didn’t want to discuss Jason. Emily had analyzed the situation at least a dozen different ways while they finished hanging out the laundry. While Veronica remained silent, Emily discussed how genuine the look in Jason’s eyes was and how she believed he loved her. Emily insisted she had broken Jason’s heart when she’d first rejected him, and that proved he never meant to hurt her by keeping the secret.
Veronica was thankful for her sister’s emotional support, but she didn’t want to hear it anymore. She just wanted to get over him and move on. She’d hoped that would be the last of her family’s discussion about Jason for the day.
Then during lunch, Mamm had brought up the subject of Jason again. This time, to Veronica’s dismay, the discussion had included her father. Veronica wanted to eat her roast beef sandwich in peace, but Emily and Mamm talked on and on about Jason and the power of forgiveness while they ate. Dat kept his eyes focused on his sandwich, seeming to share Veronica’s uneasiness with the conversation. She appreciated that he didn’t chime in while Mamm shared her feelings, telling Veronica again that she would recover from
this pain and find love again.
Veronica was tired of talking about Jason, tired of thinking about Jason, and tired of wrestling with feelings for him.
“I’m sorry he hurt you,” Rachel continued.
Veronica braced herself for more platitudes and advice that would only make her doubt her instinct to push him away. Why was this so difficult? She placed more drinking glasses in the hot, soapy water and began to wash another one with her dish cloth.
“Emily told me Jason and Seth worked together and were best freinden. I would imagine he’s missing Seth too,” Rachel said nonchalantly while drying the glass Veronica had placed in the drain board. “He probably thought you could grieve for Seth together.”
Veronica stopped washing the glass and turned to look at her sister. No one had mentioned Jason’s own grief over losing Seth before. “What did you say?” she asked, wondering if she’d misunderstood.
Rachel placed the glass in the cabinet. “I said he must really miss Seth. I imagine that was why he came to see you in the first place. I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose Sharon. We’ve been best freinden since first grade.” She picked up a handful of utensils. “I’m sure he’s really hurting.”
Veronica’s hand shook and her stomach twisted. Had she been so engrossed in her own grief that she hadn’t given any thought to his? Was she wrong to not even consider how Jason felt after losing Seth?
But he lied to me!
Veronica’s thoughts and confusing emotions swirled together as she peered out the window over the sink. How could she allow herself to feel an attachment to a man who had lied to her?
A horse and buggy steered up the driveway, and Veronica turned to Rachel. “Are you expecting someone?”
“No.” Rachel brushed her hands on her dish towel. “I’ll go see who it is since everyone else is in the store.”
“Danki.” Veronica peered out the window as the buggy came to a stop.
The back door clicked shut as Rachel strode outside. Veronica dried her hands on a towel as an uneasy feeling washed over her.
Rachel returned a moment later. “Jason is here. He wants to talk to you.” Her brown eyes pleaded with Veronica. “I think you should give him a chance. He seems really sincere.”
“No.” The word was more forceful than Veronica had intended, and her sister took a step back. “I don’t want to see him.” She kept her tone even, despite her rioting emotions. “Tell him I’m not feeling well.”
“But he—” Rachel began.
“Please, Rachel.” Veronica rubbed her forehead. “Please respect my wishes. I’ve spent all afternoon and evening listening to lectures from everyone about how I need to forgive him. Right now all I need is some time alone to think. I need you to consider how I feel right now.”
Rachel’s expression softened. “All right. I’ll tell him.”
Veronica breathed a sigh of relief. She couldn’t face Jason right now, no matter how much she longed to see him. The thought surprised her. Why did she long to see him? How could she even consider giving him a second chance after he’d stung her to her very core?
She really did need some time alone with her thoughts. After the dishes were done, she would retreat to her room and avoid her family for the rest of the evening. She didn’t need their sympathetic expressions and unsolicited advice. And most of all, Veronica didn’t need to hear how sorry Jason was. She just needed time to sort through her feelings without worrying about his.
Veronica quickly washed the rest of the dishes, cleaned the table, and then went up to her room. She sat down on her bed and looked at the candle on her nightstand. It was the sweet candle Jason had given her—the candle she had enjoyed and that reminded her of his friendship. Part of her wanted to throw it out the window. Yet another small part of her wanted to keep the candle and light it every night while remembering how happy she’d been when she was picnicking with Jason at the pond.
Why is this so difficult?
Veronica turned her attention to the window and wondered what Jason had planned to say when he visited tonight. What could he possibly say to make things right between them? It didn’t matter. She was going to close off her emotions for him—and anyone else who wanted to try to take Seth’s place. Her mother had told her she needed to take time to grieve, and she intended to start right now.
Hugging Seth’s quilt to her chest, she leaned back on the headboard. The quilt brought her comfort, but somehow it wasn’t enough to stop the turmoil writhing in her soul. How would she ever find relief? She closed her eyes tightly.
Please, God. Please heal my broken heart.
JASON CLUTCHED THE VASE OF FLOWERS SO TIGHT HE feared he might shatter the glass. He leaned back against the buggy as Rachel made her way down the porch steps toward him. Her frown indicated the answer he’d both expected and feared—Veronica refused to see him. The trip to her house was wasted, as were the flowers he’d plucked from Mamm’s garden.
Rachel grimaced as she approached him. “I’m sorry, Jason. Veronica said she’s not feeling well.” She shook her head. “Who am I kidding? She told me to tell you she’s not feeling well, but honestly, she doesn’t want to see you.”
“I had expected that.” Jason’s hands shook as he held out the flowers. “Would you please make sure she gets these?”
“Of course I will.” Rachel breathed in the smell of the flowers. “These are lovely.” She studied the bouquet but seemed to be contemplating something else. Then she met his stare, and her expression softened. “Emily told me what happened when you came to see Veronica this morning.”
Jason’s stomach clenched, anticipating what Rachel might say to him.
“I understand why you didn’t tell Veronica the truth when you met her,” she said simply, and the tension coiling inside of him eased slightly. “You were grieving for Seth, too, and you were worried that you would scare her away if you mentioned something that was so painful. By the time you were ready to tell Veronica the truth, you cared about mei schweschder so much that you were terrified of losing her.”
He nodded with emphasis, stunned that Rachel understood him so well. “That’s exactly it. How can I make Veronica understand that?”
Rachel’s frown was back. “She’s very stubborn.”
Jason gave a wry smile. “I’ve already figured that out.”
“If you really love her, then you shouldn’t give up on her,” Rachel said. “She’s upset now, but I think she still has feelings for you.”
A tiny spark of hope seemed to ignite inside of him. “You think so?” he asked.
“Ya, I do.” Rachel smelled the flowers again. “I’ll make sure she gets these, and you make sure you keep reminding her how much you care about her. I have a feeling things will work out between you and Veronica.”
“Danki.” Jason told her good-bye and climbed back into the buggy.
Rachel waved before disappearing into the house.
As he guided the horse down the driveway, Jason considered Rachel’s words. Was she right about Veronica? Did he still have a chance with her? He didn’t know what to believe. All he knew was that he was overwrought with emotion—grief over losing Seth, anguish over losing Veronica, and confusion over what to do to make things right with the woman he loved.
Jason guided the horse down a side road and found his way to the cemetery where Seth was buried. His heart squeezed when he spotted Margaret Lapp standing by Seth’s grave. She must have walked here to visit Seth, too, maybe even to talk to him.
Jason took a deep breath, hopped out of the buggy, and after tying the horse to the fence outlining the cemetery, stepped through the open gate. His boots moved through the lush, green grass as he found his way to the small, gray, cement gravestone that marked the final resting place of Seth A. Lapp. The stone was identical to the rest of the grave markers in the small, private cemetery, but the name on it was significant to everyone who knew Seth.
Margaret glanced over her shoulder as Jason approached.
“Jason?” She smiled. “How nice to see you. How are you?”
“I’m all right.” Jason slipped his hands inside his trouser pockets, relieved she not only remembered him from such tragic days but seemed cordial. But of course she would remember him; it was his fault Seth was dead. How could she be so gracious to him now?
Suddenly he thought about how she and Seth’s sister, Ellie, could have been at the church service the day he visited Veronica’s—and Seth’s—district. Or Ellie could have been at that combined youth group gathering where he talked with Veronica by the pond. He had been so focused on Veronica that he hadn’t even thought of either possibility.
What would have happened if Veronica had discovered through Margaret the secret he was keeping?
“How are you?” he said, trying to push away that thought.
Margaret sighed. “Prayer keeps me going. And Ellie and I have been spending most Sundays visiting an elderly aunt of mine. She lives a few miles from here, but she’s lonely. Thinking about someone else’s problems instead of our own helps too.”
That explained it. But he felt shame for focusing on himself, on what-ifs, while Seth’s mother was helping others despite her grief.
Margaret was studying him. “What brought you out here today?”
“I’ve been having a rough time, so I thought I’d stop by to see him.” He pointed toward the gravestone, taking in Seth’s name, date of birth, and date of death etched in the cement.
“I’m glad you came.” Curiosity sparkled in her green eyes. He hadn’t realized Seth had gotten his eye color from her. “Seth thought a lot of you. He mentioned you often.”
A lump swelled in Jason’s throat. He felt he had to apologize to her once more, but he feared his threatening tears.
I have to. She deserves this.
“I’m so sorry about the accident. If I hadn’t left to get water, I could’ve broken Seth’s fall. I never should’ve walked away from him. I heard the board snap . . .” A single tear slipped from his eye, and his voice thickened. “I ran back as fast as I could, but it was too late. He was already . . . gone.”
