The Forgotten Recipe

by Amy Clipston

  At home he’d spent nearly an hour walking around the pond at the back of his father’s property, combing the ground for flat rocks that would be suitable for stone skipping. After he’d gathered ten of them, he stored them in a plastic zip-up bag and put them in the powder-blue gift bag he’d purchased at the drugstore. He’d picked that bag because it reminded him of Veronica’s eyes.

  Later that night, he shut himself up in his bedroom and tried to craft the perfect letter. It had taken him nearly two hours to write. He didn’t want to come on too strong, but he had a feeling this would be his last chance to prove to Veronica that he truly loved her. He finally settled on a short letter he hoped would be enough to convey how strongly he felt about her. Then he sealed it in an envelope and slipped it into the bag with the lotion and bag of rocks.

  With the gift bag in his hand, Jason climbed from the buggy and tied the reins to a nearby hitching post, then stood beside it as he watched Veronica.

  Despite the dark, threatening clouds in the sky, her complexion glowed against the cobalt-colored dress she wore with a black apron. The dress made her eyes a deeper shade of blue than usual. With her gaze trained on her customers, she explained her raspberry pie recipe as they listened with interest. The women handed Veronica money, and Veronica bagged their pies, jars of jam, and jars of relish as she continued to share information about her recipes and the Amish culture.

  She didn’t seem to notice Jason—or perhaps she was expertly ignoring him. He had expected to be ignored again today, but he refused to give up on her. He could never give up on someone he loved with all his heart.

  The women finally thanked Veronica and then piled into a maroon van before driving off. As the van motored down the driveway, the women waved to Jason as if they’d known him his whole life. He noticed one woman holding up a cell phone to take his photograph, and he looked away.

  Veronica had turned her gaze on Jason. Her beautiful face clouded into a deep scowl. Her pale-blue eyes shimmered with a mixture of disappointment and bitterness. His confidence sank, and his stomach clenched. He longed to take back all the mistakes he’d made during their relationship, starting with the first day they’d met.

  “Hi,” he said, trying to keep his tone warm, but his voice sounded strained and nervous. “How are you?”

  Without responding, Veronica slipped out from behind the bake stand counter and started toward the house.

  “Veronica!” Jason raced after her, quickly catching up to her. “Veronica, please. Wait. Just let me talk to you.”

  She stopped at the porch steps and spun, glaring at him with fury burning in her eyes. “I don’t know what else I have to do to make it clear that I don’t want to see you.” Her voice was laced with resentment. “Whatever we had is over, and you need to leave me alone. Just go home and forget all about me. Pretend you never knew me.”

  “I can’t do that.” He stepped toward her. “I could never forget you. My feelings for you run too deep. Please forgive me and give me a chance to show you how much you mean to me.” He took a deep, calming breath and gathered his thoughts. “I made a mistake. I should’ve told you the truth from the beginning, but I was a coward. We all make mistakes because we’re only human. Just give me another chance, Veronica. I’m begging you to listen to me. Don’t push me away again.”

  “I’ve already forgiven you, but that doesn’t mean we can just pick up where we left off. Some things become too damaged to be repaired.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “It’s too late for us.”

  “No, it’s not. You can’t possibly mean that after all we shared. You’re my best freind.” Jason’s voice beseeched her, his voice faltering with every word. “I made a mistake, but we can just start over. Please, Veronica.”

  Veronica shook her head as her eyes glistened with tears. “I can’t start over, Jason. I’ve been hurt once too often, and I don’t have the strength to do it.”

  “It’s easy. Let me show you how.” He held out his hand to her. “Hi, I’m Jason Huyard. It’s nice to meet you.”

  Veronica studied his hand, and her bottom lip quivered. “I can’t do this, Jason. I can’t take that risk with you again. It’s time for both of us to move on. Mary really likes you. You should get to know her. She could be the right girl for you. I’m sorry, but we’re not meant to be.”

  “You can’t mean that,” Jason said, his voice shaky with the agony of their breakup drowning him. “We have a deep connection. I know you feel it, too, or you at least felt it at one time. When we sat together at the pond during the youth gathering, you poured out your soul to me without any prompting. You trusted me the same way I trusted you when I told you about Arie. We belong together.”

  “No, we don’t.” Tears streamed down her pink cheeks, and he fought the urge to brush them away with the tips of his fingers. He longed to pull her into his arms and console her, but he knew she’d only push him away. “It was a mistake.”

  “How could you call that bond a mistake?” he asked, taking another step toward her. “Connections like that come along once in a lifetime.”

  “Ya, that’s true,” Veronica said, her voice almost as quiet as a whisper. “My connection died in April.”

  Jason blanched as if she’d struck him. She’d wanted to hurt him, and she did. The remark sliced right through him. “I know you miss him. I miss him too.”

  “You couldn’t possibly ever know how I feel.” She spat the words at him. “You used Seth to manipulate me.”

  “Why would I do that?” His voice rose with the frustration that bubbled up inside of him. “Why would I use my best friend’s memory to hurt his fiancée? I only wanted to help you, but I fell in love with you in the process. My feelings for you are real and pure, Veronica. The only mistake I made was not telling you the truth in the beginning.” His body shook with anger. “I’m sorry for that. I keep telling you I’m sorry, but it’s never enough. What do I need to do to show you how sorry I am?”

  “There’s nothing you can do,” she said, seething. “Please leave.”

  The hum of an engine behind him drew his attention to a blue sedan parking by the bake stand.

  “Excuse me,” Veronica said. “I need to take care of my customers.”

  “Wait.” Guilt rained down on him, and Jason reached for her hand and then stopped before touching it. Why had he lost his temper? He wanted to convince her to forgive him, not make things worse. “Veronica, I’m sorry. Just wait.”

  “I have to go.” She glared at him.

  He held up the blue gift bag. “I have this for you.”

  Her expression softened for a brief moment and then hardened again. “Please stop bringing me gifts. You have to accept that this is over, Jason. You’re wasting your time with me.”

  “I would never consider time with you wasted.” Jason pointed toward the porch steps. “I’ll leave this here for you.”

  Veronica paused and eyed him for a moment. “Have a gut day.” She turned and started toward the bake stand, lifting her chin as she walked.

  “Good morning,” she called to the elderly couple who climbed from the car. Her tone was bright and sunny as if she hadn’t just had an emotional conversation with Jason. She slipped behind the bake stand counter and forced a smile as she handed the woman a jar of jam and started discussing the recipe.

  Jason placed the gift bag on the steps leading to the porch and then folded his arms over his chest while he watched Veronica interact with her customers. He considered standing there all day and waiting for her to take back the words that had sliced at his heart. He had to convince her to give him another chance. She couldn’t possibly believe the connection they’d felt had been a ruse. She had felt it, too, but she refused to admit it. He had to make her see they were meant to be. He would fight for her.

  He turned toward the harness shop where a red pickup truck was parked out front. The bright-red Open sign was displayed in the window, beckoning him to go in and see Leroy. Maybe Leroy could help him
figure out what to do to help Veronica realize his intentions were pure.

  Jason glanced over his shoulder at Veronica and her customers once more, then started down the path to the shop, his work shoes crunching on the rocks. He hoped Leroy could help him. He didn’t want to give up on Veronica, but without some help, he had no chance of winning her back.

  “THANK YOU FOR STOPPING BY,” VERONICA TOLD THE ELDERLY couple as she handed the woman her change. “I hope you enjoy the pie and jams.”

  “Oh, I’m sure I will, sweetie.” She smiled and pushed the money into her wallet. “Have a nice day.”

  The man glanced up and frowned. “It looks like it might rain. Stay dry.”

  They said good-bye and climbed into their car.

  Veronica forced a smile and waved as they drove off. Once they were out of sight, she sat on a stool, and her body wilted as if she’d just helped her father’s horse pull the buggy to town and then back home again. She’d never expected Jason to visit today. If she’d known he was going to come, she would’ve asked Emily to run the stand for her. Her heart had fractured into thousands of pieces when they argued. She hated herself for being so callous toward him, but she had to convince Jason she wanted him to stop coming to visit her. She needed him to stay away from her. It was painful for her to look at him, because every time she saw him, she remembered that Jason was there when Seth died. Jason had witnessed the accident that had taken Seth from her, but he hadn’t told her about it. He hadn’t shared what Seth’s last words were. She couldn’t bear the thought that Jason had been one of the last people to see Seth alive.

  Veronica turned her attention to his horse and buggy and realized he hadn’t left yet. Where had he gone? Had he gone into the house to talk to her mother and Emily? Or had he gone to her father’s store?

  Tears flooded Veronica’s eyes as she recalled the cruel things she’d said to Jason. She told him they were never meant to be together and he belonged with someone else. She told him to see Mary. Why had it hurt her so much to say those words to him again? Why did she feel guilty for causing his wounded expression? Why couldn’t she just let go of him?

  And why did he keep coming back to her house with more gifts? She looked toward the house and spotted the lonely blue gift bag sitting on the porch steps. She longed to know what he had brought her today.

  The front door opened and clicked shut, and Mamm started down the porch steps. She stopped and picked up the gift bag, then made her way toward Veronica with a questioning expression.

  “I know Jason was here. I saw him out the window.”

  “Ya.” Veronica sighed. How could she be so hateful to him? He didn’t deserve that. The guilt weighed heavily on her shoulders.

  “What happened?” Mamm hopped up on the stool beside Veronica.

  Veronica ran her fingers over the counter. “We sort of argued.”

  “You sort of argued?” Mamm leaned forward with a quizzical expression. “What do you mean?”

  Mamm listened quietly as Veronica gave her a brief overview of the conversation with Jason, but then disapproval overtook her expression. “I shouldn’t have been so cross with him, but I was trying to make him understand that it’s over.”

  “Do you really think it’s over?” Mamm eyed her with suspicion. “Because I have a feeling it’s not over if your feelings are this strong for him.”

  “I don’t know.” Veronica shrugged as tears saturated her eyes again. “I’m so confused.”

  Mamm’s stare moved toward the buggy. “Is that Jason’s buggy?”

  “Ya, he’s still here. I thought he was going to leave. Do you think maybe he went to see Dat? But why would he?”

  “I guess he’s going to ask your dat for advice. I saw his expression when he was talking to you, and he looked desperate.” Mamm placed the gift bag on the counter, and Veronica studied it. “Did he bring you this?”

  Veronica nodded and brushed away a tear that had escaped her eye. A lump expanded in her throat, and she hoped she wouldn’t actually sob. She couldn’t allow her feelings to spill out uncontrolled. She needed to be strong. She couldn’t let Jason upset her. He’d hurt her too much already. Why wouldn’t this ache inside of her just go away? She was tired of feeling so conflicted. Why did Jason affect her this way?

  Mamm pointed toward the bag. “Open it.”

  Veronica shook her head. “I told him I couldn’t accept it. It’s probably something Seth told him I liked, so it’s not really a heartfelt gift.”

  “Please open it.” Mamm handed her the bag. “He brought it over here for you. The least you can do is open it.”

  Veronica bit her lower lip as she opened the bag. She pulled out a bottle of lotion and studied it.

  “What kind of lotion is that?” Mamm asked, craning her neck to read the bottle. “Oh, lavender.” She pumped out a small amount, rubbed it on her hands, smelled it, and smiled. “It’s lovely. Smell it.”

  Veronica breathed in the sweet aroma and frowned. “Why did he buy lavender? Seth used to buy me vanilla lotion because he said he loved that scent as much as I did.”

  Mamm gave her a knowing smile. “He’s not Seth, Veronica. He’s Jason, and I assume he wanted you to have it.” She touched the bag. “What else is in there?”

  Veronica reached in to find a bag of flat rocks. She immediately understood the reference to stone skipping, and her breath caught in her throat.

  “Rocks?” Mamm asked, her nose wrinkling with disgust. “Why would he give you rocks?”

  Veronica didn’t try to explain. Instead, she peeked in the bag and found an envelope. Her name was written on the front in his slanted cursive penmanship. She took out the letter and read it.

  Dear Veronica,

  I’m sure at this point you’re ready for me to give up and accept that it’s over between us, but I can’t allow my mind to relinquish you. You mean too much to me to just walk away as if nothing ever happened between us. That bond is still strong to me, and I can’t just forget it. I have a difficult time believing you are able to forget it so easily.

  Today I spent all day thinking about you while I was at work. I kept pondering the smell of your hair. I don’t know what kind of shampoo you use, but it reminds me of lavender. I searched a drugstore until I found lavender lotion. I hope you like it. When you use it, you’ll see how breathtaking your hair smells to me.

  You’re probably wondering why I would include a bag of rocks in your gift bag. The rocks are really more for me than for you. When you (hopefully) decide to forgive me, please bring these rocks with you when you come to see me. We can take them to the pond on my father’s farm, and we’ll skip stones until our wrists are sore. I look forward to that day.

  I can’t seem to express just how sorry I am. Instead of telling you I’m sorry, this time I’ll tell you I miss you so much that my heart hurts. You’re in my thoughts all day and in my dreams at night. You’ve become a part of me, and I can’t stand the thought of losing you forever.

  Please forgive me, Veronica. Ich liebe dich.

  Always,

  Jason

  Veronica’s hand shook as another tear escaped her eyes. Her chest constricted with a mixture of regret and love. She handed the letter to her mother.

  Mamm read it, and her eyes misted with tears. “Oh, Veronica. That is so romantic.”

  Veronica swallowed, hoping to dissolve the stubborn lump in her throat. “I’m so confused,” she whispered. “I don’t know how to feel about him. He hurt me so deeply, and there’s a part of me that can’t forget that. Of course I forgive him, but I’m not ready to give him another chance.” She cleared her throat while fingering the bag of rocks. “But then there’s this other part of me that still loves him and wants to run to him and hug him.”

  Mamm touched Veronica’s cheek. “Follow your heart.”

  “But I’m so conflicted,” Veronica said. “I don’t know which part of myself to listen to—the part that wants to forget him or the part that wants things to
be the way they were.” She lifted the lotion and turned the bottle over in her hands. He’d put so much thought into these gifts. He loved her, but she wasn’t sure she was ready to love him completely. She was better off without him instead of risking her heart again. She met her mother’s warm, supportive expression. “Have you ever felt this baffled?”

  Mamm nodded. “I have felt very similar to the way you’re feeling now.”

  “How did you handle it? What did you do?”

  “I took my time before I made my decision,” Mamm said. “You don’t need to feel rushed, but you should pay attention to how you’re feeling. Do what feels right and comfortable. Listen to that little voice in your head.”

  The sound of an engine alerted Veronica that another customer was arriving. She had to get herself together before they walked over to the bake stand. Veronica placed the lotion, rocks, and letter back into the gift bag, then brushed her cheeks with her fingertips.

  “Do you want me to talk to the customers for you?” Mamm asked.

  “No, danki.” Veronica turned to her mother. “I can handle this. Would you please take my gifts into the haus?”

  “Of course,” Mamm said as she lifted the bag. “Call me if you need me.”

  “I will, Mamm.” She faced her mother. “And danki for listening to me.”

  Her mother nodded. “I’ll always listen to you. That’s what I’m here for.”

  Mamm strode toward the house, and Veronica thanked God for her mother’s love and concern.

  She turned her attention to two middle-aged English women as they approached her bake stand. One lady had short brown hair. She was tall and thin and dressed in jeans and a T-shirt featuring a picture of a man wearing a cowboy hat. Veronica assumed the man on her shirt was a country singer. The other woman was short and plump, and her bright-red hair seemed to have an artificial hue. She wore jeans and a T-shirt that was a swirl of primary colors, which Veronica assumed was tie-dyed. Each of the women had a large leather purse slung over her shoulder.

  “Good morning,” Veronica said. “Thank you for stopping by my bake stand.”