Razael

by Alisa Woods

  She peered into his eyes. “It’s hard on you—the blessings.”

  “Yes,” he breathed. But his eyes were blazing at her again.

  “Why?” She felt her heart expanding. Maybe he was afraid to touch her—because of what Elyon had done. Just a day ago, she could hardly stomach the thought of sex. But since then, she’d died, been brought back to life, and was feeling more safe than she ever had—all because of this angel sitting on the bed with her. Sex with Razael would be… like the dream she had when he was giving her blessings. She was sure of it.

  He was holding back, not answering her question.

  “It’s okay,” she said, patting his arm again. “You don’t have to tell me.”

  A smile broke through his tormented look. “Do you know what Kindness looks like?” he asked, that smile turning into an almost goofy grin.

  “Um… I guess not?” What did he mean?

  “It looks like your soul,” he said, piercing her with his deep look straight into it. “Right now.”

  She felt heat in her cheeks… was she actually blushing? Of all the things to blush over—

  He dropped his gaze but kept the smile, shaking his head. “Even in this, you surpass me,” he whispered.

  “What?” What on earth was he talking about now?

  He lifted his gaze, but the humor had gentled. “I’m an angel in shadow, Eden. I’m not worthy of the likes of you.”

  “Um.” She was confused and a little concerned—she was just an ordinary woman. Sure, she’d made a terrible mistake with Elyon, but surviving that didn’t make her some kind of saint. And what did he mean “not worthy?”

  Razael smiled again. “I fathered a child once.” He gave a loving glance to her belly that had her skin prickling… in a good way. “When I was still an angel of Light, full of the kind of Virtues you so effortlessly lavish on me, I fell in love with a woman.”

  “You did?” Her attention was suddenly captured. In love? Like Micah claimed to be in love with Ren? At least he was half human. Could angels even love? Then again, she only knew Elyon. But this angel—Razael—seemed to be made of love. She had a sudden spike of envy for the woman who he made a child with—she could only imagine how beautiful their lovemaking must have been.

  “I was so deeply in love, I lost all sense. All reasoning.” Razael’s eyes crinkled at the corners. She couldn’t tell if it was laughter or pain. “Her name was Elizabeth. The man she was betrothed to tried to force himself upon her. I was his Guardian, sworn to protect him, yet I found myself throwing him physically off the woman he was supposed to marry.”

  Eden’s heart swelled. He’d stopped a rape. No wonder he was protective of her. “You saved her.”

  “I wanted to save her,” he corrected. “From that monster. From a marriage she did not wish. I foolishly thought if I made a child with her that somehow I could keep them both.”

  “Why couldn’t you?” Her heart was breaking for them, and she didn’t even know this woman. She barely knew Razael.

  He sighed and looked down to where her hand still rested on his arm. His skin was warm—almost too warm—but she hadn’t noticed until the heat of his stare was there too. She pulled it back. Was he sensitive to touch? He hadn’t seemed so when he gave her the blessing before.

  His eyes held that longing again. Like he wanted something he could never have. Before, she had thought it was her. But now she understood. It was Elizabeth.

  “I loved her.” His voice was so quiet. “So much. It was like a flame that burned inside me. She shone with Virtues so strongly I simply couldn’t turn away. But when I touched her…” He stopped and looked away. When he spoke again, it was to the air, his voice more mechanical than before. “We made love the first time. The second was pure Lust. After that, I could hardly control myself. It was like the fire was consuming me from the inside out. I needed it, craved it, hungered for it.” He sharply swung his gaze back to her, startling her heart. “I was out of control. I had to leave her and the baby. I wasn’t safe to be around.”

  He left rather than hurt them. She could see how he blamed himself—for this out-of-control thing and also for leaving them. But all she could see was a man in love who sacrificed everything to protect the ones he loved.

  “What happened to them?” she asked, breathless.

  The hard mask of his face cracked. A smile slowly worked its way out. “This was a hundred years ago, Eden. Elizabeth is long gone. But my daughter…”

  Her heart surged again. “You have a daughter?”

  His smile was pure joy again. “And a granddaughter. She’s just a tiny thing.”

  She could barely contain her smile. He had a grandbaby he loved! Somehow, this made her melt. But then she realized… “Wait, so they must be angelings?”

  “Yes.” His pride shone in his eyes. “Angelings live much longer than humans, and while my daughter Erelah was raised by the angels of Light and lost to me for a long time, the fates conspired to give her back. It’s quite a story. But for now… you need some rest.” His gaze was roaming over her face and body, but not in that intense, heated way from before. More like he was concerned about her and the baby. His caring was like a warm blanket wrapped around her, holding her snug.

  “I am a little tired.” She gave him a smile. “Could just be the blessing wearing off.”

  He flashed a heated look, then quickly rose from the bed and said, “Or it could be that you haven’t eaten or drunk anything since nearly dying.”

  “Or maybe that.” She actually felt good. Better than she’d felt in a long time, even if a lingering weakness haunted her at the edges.

  “Rest.” He nodded for her to lie back down. “I’ll have someone bring in food for you. I need to check on the status of things.” He was suddenly agitated like he couldn’t get out of there fast enough. And there were other things to concern him than nursing her back to health.

  But she couldn’t help the slight panic in her chest. “Are you leaving?” The words were out before she could stop them.

  He froze. “Only… only for a moment. You will not be unguarded.” His gaze softened, and it swept across the length of her body again, only this time, she felt the longing as he looked. When he sought her eyes again, he whispered, “You’ll be safe, Elizabeth.”

  Then he turned and vanished.

  She stared blankly at the empty space where he had been.

  Elizabeth. She wasn’t surprised that he had called her by the name of his long-dead love. It was plain to see he still loved her, still grieved her, and that he had saved Eden and her child because they reminded him of what he had lost.

  What surprised her was that it hurt when he did.

  She frowned and curled back down to lie on the bed. He was an angel—a good angel, but still something altogether different. He had given her back her life and her baby. He was protecting and providing for her. She should want nothing else from him, especially when even touching her was apparently an overwhelming thing for him. She reminded him of his dead lover, and touching her—or even wanting to—reminded him of how he lost control and lost her and the baby both. It was wrong to want anything from him that would just hurt him, even if he were an all-powerful angel who could practically rescue people from the dead. She owed him better than that. Better than wanting things from him that he couldn’t safely give.

  Eden closed her eyes and tried to pretend she didn’t.

  Chapter Eleven

  You’ll be safe, Razael had told her.

  But he couldn’t guarantee Eden any such thing.

  “We should strike Elyon now,” he said to Zuriel. They were gathered in the throne room with her top angelings. He had dispensed Laylah to provide Eden with food and anything else she might need.

  “I’m not eager to get cut in half again.” Zuriel glowered at him.

  “I told you—Evangeline has agreed to help.”

  Zuriel’s gaze sharpened. “And what exactly was the nature of that agreement?”

/>   “It doesn’t matter.” He had no interest in sharing that knowledge, especially not before an audience of angelings. He would owe Evangeline some kind of sex party after the banishment, but his Sins hardly needed to be public knowledge.

  A pop in the air announced Laylah’s return.

  Razael narrowed his eyes. “Has Eden been provided with food?”

  “And new attire. At her request.” She gave Razael a pointed look, which he was determined to ignore, but his soul cringed. She didn’t like it. The diaphanous gown had displeased her enough to discard it as soon as possible. He prayed he hadn’t further distressed her with his selfish adoration. When he said wasn’t worthy of the likes of her, it had been Truth.

  “Very well,” he said briskly, moving on. He faced Zuriel. “We should attack as quickly as possible. His strike against us was intended to destroy Eden and recapture Ren. Given his failure, he’ll likely try again as soon as he can assemble the forces to do so.”

  Zuriel arched her eyebrow. “The dark angels who have pledged their angelings to him?’

  Razael nodded. “I’m sure he will try to convince them, but they may balk at chasing after his spawn. If they’re unwilling, he will likely try without them, perhaps via some trickery.”

  “He may believe Eden and the child are dead,” Zuriel said.

  “Perhaps,” Razael said, but he didn’t believe it. “For a while—as long as my blessings bathe the child’s signature in my magic.”

  “But those will fade.” Zuriel’s eyes narrowed. “Unless you intend to keep attending to her in your chambers.”

  Twin surges of Lust and Wrath welled up—Razael had been battling his Lust non-stop since Eden awoke, but the Wrath was unexpected. The implication he was keeping Eden alive for his own sexual needs enraged him—perhaps because he feared all too much that his motives might not be pure, even as he struggled to make them so.

  “Even with the blessings as a mask,” Razael said, keeping his voice even, “Elyon will eventually sense the child’s presence. That it still lives. And he will come for Eden again when we are least prepared. Which is why, as soon as she has eaten, and I’m satisfied she’s sufficiently recovered, I will remove her and Ren and the babies from my Regiment.”

  Surprise lifted Zuriel’s expression.

  Laylah seemed less surprised than intrigued. “Where will you take them, my lord?”

  “To the one place we might reasonably keep them safe.” The plan had come together in his mind as he sat in his chambers, indulging in that hand-holding and blessing-giving and heart-baring talk with Eden. She had mesmerized and enthralled him. Not just her physical beauty or the shining of her Virtues, but the chance to simply… speak with her. He’d told her of Elizabeth, something he’d not done since divulging the shame of his Fall to his daughter, Erelah. And that was only so she may know where she came from. For Eden… there was no excuse for burdening her with such knowledge.

  Laylah and Zuriel were waiting for more.

  “We need to contact the dragons,” he said, finally. “The ancient magic of their wards kept Elyon out the last time, when he was set on destroying my daughter and her child. At least, the wards held against his power for a while. And where he might break the ward in time, he will be unable to take us by surprise. What’s more, we might use it to lay a trap for him, given he will be drawn there at some point.”

  Zuriel’s expression was the kind which accompanied a bitter taste in her mouth. “Dragons?”

  “My daughter is mated with one of them,” he said brusquely. He knew angelkind—especially the shadow realm—rarely kept up with events affecting the lesser immortals. They wore their Pride in being superior creatures amongst their many Sins. “Surely you felt the renewal of the treaty protecting humans from the fae.”

  “Not that I terribly noticed.” Zuriel sniffed. “But your human pet should be pleased to leave. Before Elyon’s attack, she was entreating me to whisk her away from the stifling confines of your Regiment.” She cocked an eyebrow.

  “She was simply unaware of the dangers.” But Zuriel’s words cut through him.

  “Well, that shouldn’t be a problem now.” She was regarding him coolly.

  Did she think Eden would attempt escape? Was he still, in fact, holding her prisoner? These thoughts suddenly seized him.

  “Will you stay with Eden in the dragon’s keep?” Laylah asked with far too much curiosity. She had warned Razael away from visiting Eden before; now she seemed eager to see them together. Or perhaps just luridly intrigued. He had spent hours personally attending Eden. Zuriel seemed to believe he was compromised in this, if not outright slaking his Lust by keeping Eden prisoner. Just like Elyon. He repressed the surge of shame that caused.

  Did Laylah believe this too?

  “I will accompany her there,” he said, keeping his voice even to not show his growing torment with all their assumptions. To Zuriel, he added, “But then we will need to discuss the ancient spells we will use to trap him. Once the humans are secure, we should join Evangeline and Jael as quickly as possible to make arrangements.”

  Zuriel nodded. “I’ll occupy myself as I await your summons.” At his skeptical look, she rolled her eyes and added. “Without the distraction of your delicious angelings. I am capable of keeping my hands to myself, Razael.” She lifted an eyebrow. “I would worry about yourself.” Then she twisted and disappeared from his throne room. The small cohort of her angelings quickly left with her.

  Only Laylah remained.

  “Be my emissary to the dragons,” he said to her, quickly. “I need to return to Eden. She is still fragile, and when I made to leave, she became… concerned. The trauma has not yet left her.”

  “Understandable.” But Laylah’s expression betrayed that she read more into than he meant. She waited.

  “Yes?” Razael asked, his irritation returning. Even more irritating was his impatience to return to Eden—it was like an itch against his skin.

  “Do you have Love of her, my lord?” Her eyes were wide and… hopeful.

  “You need to stop calculating my Redemption,” he scolded, too harshly.

  “I only wish for…” But she didn’t finish that, just dropped her gaze.

  “Do not wish for it.” But this was the angeling who had sacrificed herself to bring him news that Elyon had come after Eden. And Razael did have Love of her, something that was plain in his soul for those who could see. Zuriel must have seen it. Fortunately for him, angelings were not blessed with that level of sight. But Laylah had to have seen the full power of the blessings he had bestowed upon Eden. And it was easy to discern his attentions as being… unusual. Especially for him. He softened his voice. “I do have Love of her, Laylah. And not the kind of ordinary love angelkind has for humanity.”

  Laylah’s eyes were round, and she was rapt in her listening.

  “But my love for her must remain pure,” he said with a pained smile. “I cannot risk the very Lust that caused my Fall to interfere with our plans to entrap Elyon. Much less endanger her and her child. I may be in shadow, but I have a few Virtues I still call my own.”

  Laylah looked at him with the awe his angelings of Light used to have—back when he deserved it, and they sought his counsel. “Your strongest Virtue isn’t Chastity, my lord. It is Kindness.”

  He smiled. “Well, it certainly isn’t Wisdom.”

  She seemed confused and slightly alarmed by that.

  “Do not dream of my Redemption, my brave angeling. Think of your own. And go to the dragons so that we may have a safe harbor for our humans while we work to ensure all shadowlings have a chance to seek their own Redemption in the good grace of time.”

  “Yes, my lord.” The fire in her eyes spoke of determination as she twisted away from his throne room.

  He sighed and took a moment to collect himself. He wished to rush back into Eden’s presence, but as fragile as he believed her to be, she had endured far more than he wanted to imagine… and survived. Right until Elyon l
iterally ripped the life from her. Whereas Razael struggled to merely contain the most basic of Sins—his rampant Lust—in her presence. He was truly unworthy of her. And even if he controlled his Lust well enough to… to partake of the sweetness that loving Eden would be… he couldn’t allow it. He’d made this vile pact with Evangeline to gain her cooperation. It would be one thing to break his vow of Chastity with Eden—it was dangerous to even envision it, the allure was so powerfully strong—but it was an entirely different thing to do that and then tarnish himself with Evangeline’s depravity. For she had vowed to break him with Sin, and he was sure she wouldn’t stop until she succeeded. He simply could not allow that to wound Eden in any way.

  So he would return to her, beseech her to stay with the dragons for safekeeping, and keep his hands and his thoughts to himself. If she required more blessings to speed her healing, he would administer them with the utmost respect and detachment, as any righteous angel would.

  At least… he would try.

  His steadfastness lasted as long as it took him to travel back to his chambers.

  Her eyes lit up when she saw him, and she sat up on the bed he had conjured. The angel-breath nightgown had been replaced by slim black pants, and a billowing white blouse that looked like a cloud had come to rest on the feminine curves of her breasts and her belly. He’d only be gone for an hour, and then only in the next room over—his throne room was adjacent to his chambers—and yet his human form reacted to the sight of her like he was gasping for air and she was a fresh breeze. He literally ached. How in the name of magic would he resist her given any amount of time together?

  “Have you eaten?” he asked, his voice a whisper. Plates heaped with fruits and pastries stood on a table next to the bed. He couldn’t tell if she’d partaken, there were so many.