Music from Home

by Geraldine O'Neill

  She threw the paper towels over the puddle of sick and put the gown around Leo’s shoulders, then she held the towel to his mouth. “You’ll be okay,” she told him. “It’s quite common after a head injury.”

  “I’m sorry . . .” Leo tried to lift his head but couldn’t.

  The doors from the main waiting-room suddenly flew open and a trolley was pushed in, and within minutes Leo was up on it and being wheeled out, back to the treatment room.

  The next couple of hours passed in a haze as Maria and Diana waited for news. Then they were brought through to the casualty ward to see Leo settled in bed. He looked paler than before and was very tired.

  “I’m sorry to be such a nuisance,” he said, “but I think the bang was a little more severe than I imagined.” He smiled. “I hope I didn’t do the postbox too much damage, but I have a feeling I came off a little worse.”

  “You should sleep now, Leo,” Diana said. “It will do you good.”

  “I do feel like sleeping but the doctor has told me to wait a little longer as they are waiting on some results of tests.”

  Diana’s throat tightened. “Well, you must do exactly as the doctors tell you.”

  Then he put his hand out and took Diana’s and squeezed it. He then held his other hand out to Maria. “Two lovely ladies,” he said, “who have both been looking after me so well.”

  Maria lifted his hand up to her cheek. “You always look after me.”

  “Tonight I will have to stay here,” he said, “but I would feel happier if I knew that you were both together, looking after each other.”

  “Maria can stay with me tonight,” Diana said. “The spare room bed is all made up.”

  Then, a nurse came in and said it might be best if they let him rest. Diana and Maria kissed him and said they would see him soon.

  Leo smiled and raised his hand as they walked away.

  Chapter 23

  It was five in the morning when the house phone rang.

  On hearing it, Maria’s heart started pounding. She sat bolt upright in bed then she checked the time on the clock on the bedside cabinet. She listened as Diana’s footsteps went quickly down the stairs, but she could only hear the murmur of her voice as she spoke and nothing of the conversation. Then, all the dreadful possibilities racing through her mind, she climbed out of bed – wearing the green satin pyjamas that Diana had lent her last night – and went to the top of the stairs.

  Diana was coming up towards her, her face white and expressionless. “It was the hospital . . . they want us to go in.”

  Maria felt the same strange calm descending on her that sometimes came when she was worrying about her father late at night. The calm that helped her through her worst times.

  She turned back towards the bedroom. “I’ll get ready.”

  “The roads will be empty at this time of the morning,” Diana said. “So we can go quickly.”

  Maria did not answer. She went back into the bedroom to pull on the same clothes she had worn last night.

  They hardly spoke on the drive in. When they arrived at the hospital public car park there were only two other cars.

  As they went towards the main door, Diana said, “The nurse I spoke to said to go straight to Reception and they will take us up to the ward.”

  Maria slowed to a halt. Now they were so close she needed to prepare herself. “What did they tell you?”

  Diana looked straight ahead. “That he is in a . . . a deep sleep . . . and they are concerned.”

  “But that could be a good thing. He might feel a lot better when he wakes up.”

  “Yes,” Diana was nodding her head slowly. “Hopefully he might feel better.”

  There was a nurse waiting for them in Reception and Maria saw Diana’s face tighten when she asked them to follow her into a consultation room where the doctor would speak to them. As they walked along, Diana reached back and took her hand in hers and held it tightly. They went down a corridor and when the nurse showed them into the room, there were two doctors already sitting at a table waiting to see them.

  The doctors stood up and shook Diana’s hand and then Maria’s, and it crossed her mind that they probably thought Diana was her mother. They all sat down and there was a silence for a few moments and then Maria heard one of the doctors saying he was very sorry, but that they had done everything they could.

  Diana gasped and said in a whisper. “What exactly are you saying?”

  Maria felt a rushing in her head and ears and couldn’t quite make out what anyone in the room was saying. She shook her head to make herself concentrate and then she heard one of the doctors explain there had been a problem with bleeding immediately after banging his head. That was when she realised they had made a mistake and weren’t talking about her father at all.

  “But he wasn’t bleeding,” she said, looking from one to the other. She noticed that both doctors looked away when their eyes met her. “We checked, and there was no sign of any bleeding.”

  “I’m so sorry,” the doctor said, “but it was internal bleeding between the skull and the covering of the brain . . . by the time he was checked it was too late. He went into a coma, and I’m afraid he passed away just before you came in.”

  Diana gripped her arm tightly and Maria heard her say in a strangled voice, “Oh, no!”

  As Diana dissolved into devastated sobs, Maria felt the strange calm coming over her again. And she suddenly remembered feeling exactly the same way when her mother died –as though she had a shell around her that she carried everywhere she went. Back then, she at least had her father, who she knew would love and look after her. As he had done in all the years since. But that love and care, she now knew and understood, would be no more.

  Chapter 24

  From the moment they had left the hospital, Maria became Diana’s main priority. She knew she had to put her own feelings aside and do everything that was necessary. After her initial devastated reaction, she had kept herself resolutely on autopilot as the doctors and nurses took charge, taking them down to the side-room where Leo would be kept until the post-mortem procedure. They explained what would happen next and took details such as Leo’s religion, and then advised Diana and Maria who to contact regarding funeral arrangements.

  They left the hospital and drove back to the Contis’ house and, while Maria was in the bathroom, Diana phoned Franco to tell him the tragic news and then spent five minutes crying on the phone with him and trying to comfort him. Mrs Lowry was next on the list, and Diana found herself crying on the phone along with the housekeeper too. In between the tears, she had arranged that Mrs Lowry would come down to the house and stay there all day with Maria, as Diana said that she thought the girl needed to sleep.

  When she came off the phone from Mrs Lowry, Diana went up and tapped on the bathroom door to check that Maria was okay. When Maria confirmed that she was, she asked her if it was okay if she rang Jane Maxwell to let them know, or if she would prefer to ring Stella herself.

  After a few moments Maria said she would be grateful if she rang for her.

  Jane was in shock with the news, as was Stella when her mother called her downstairs. Diana had been glad that Maria hadn’t phoned her friend as she could hear her crying hysterically in the background. She had forgotten how highly strung Stella was and, having recently got used to Maria’s quiet ways, she somehow thought all teenagers were as calm and sensible as her.

  In the midst of her shock, Jane would still have liked a full, blow-by-blow account of the evening and the night in hospital leading up to Leo’s death, but Diana told her in a stiff voice that she was not up to going over it all again. She said she would know more details about the funeral when they had spoken to the priest, then she got off the phone as quickly as she could.

  She went back up to the bathroom and knocked on the door again and called to Maria to tell her who she had rung. When there was no answer, she asked her to please come out as soon as she was ready because she was worrying her
.

  Things,Dianathought at that point, were just as bad as they could be, and Maria withdrawing into herself would not make the situation any better, and might well make it intolerable. But of course, she could not say that, and she had to be patient and handle things as well as she possibly could. She walked back downstairs and sat on the sofa, staring out of the window into the small cul-de-sac, just waiting, and not allowing herself for one minute to consider her own loss.

  Eventually, she heard the lock on the bathroom opening and she jumped to her feet and went out into the hallway and stood at the bottom of the stairs. “Maria?” she called.

  When there was no answer Diana made her way up the stairs and found Maria in a crumpled heap on the landing, her body trembling with silent sobs. Diana gathered the girl in her arms and held her tightly and they cried together, their sadness echoing throughout the house.

  Eventually, Maria put words to her misery. “Why,” she asked, “did we not stay with him? Why did he have to die alone?”

  Diana struggled to find answers to the questions that she had been rattling around in her own head. “He wasn’t alone,” she said softly. “The doctors and nurses were with him. And from what the doctor said, he fell asleep quite quickly after we left the hospital and never really woke up.”

  “But I should have been there! He should have known that someone who knew him and loved him was there!”

  Diana stroked her hair. “Just remember the last time we saw him. Your father was happy and smiling. Do you remember what he said?”

  Maria said nothing for a few moments then she nodded her head.

  “He told us to look after each other, “Diana had said. “And we said we would, and knowing that made him happy.”

  “Yes,” Maria said, wiping the back of her hand over her face, “I do remember that. Thank God I have that to remember. It makes me feel a tiny bit better knowing that he was happy.” Then she halted again. “Will you help me, Diana?”

  Diana looked at her, not quite sure what she meant. “Of course, I’ll help you any way I can.”

  “I mean, will you help me with the . . .” She couldn’t say the word ‘funeral’. “Will you help me with all the arrangements? I know Dad has lots of other friends and we’ve only known you a few months, but because you were here a lot with Dad I feel you understand me better in ways.”

  Diana felt a lump forming in her throat. “Maria, I’ll help you with anything I can.” Then, afraid that she was going to break down again, she loosened her arms from around the girl. “Let me get a towel for you.”

  She got to her feet and went into the bathroom to the shelf where there was a tidy pile of half a dozen hand towels. She lifted two from the pile and wiped her own face with one and then went back to the hallway where Maria was now sitting upright with her back against the wall. She took the proffered towel and held it to her face, and for a moment Diana thought she was going to start sobbing all over again. Instead, she rubbed the soft material over her red, puffy face and then took a deep breath and sat back again.

  “So this is it?” she said, shrugging. “This is it now. I’ll never see my father again. I’ll never see his face or hear his voice, ever, ever again.”

  “Don’t think like that,” Diana had said, although the words had struck her to the bone.

  “But it’s true. It’s going to be exactly the same as it was when my mother died. It will be as if he never existed at all – just a huge empty space.” She struggled now to get to her feet, straightening her clothes as she did so. “It’s true what people say – death is final. There’s nothing of that person – apart from photographs or clothes or music – ever again.”

  “You have all the wonderful memories of your father,” Diana said. “And I know in the coming weeks and months that he will help you to cope through those memories.”

  Then, a car drew up at the gate and a minute or two later a knock came on the door and Diana had to go downstairs and let a distraught Mrs Lowry in.

  Eventually, after Franco and Bernice arrived, there came a point where there were enough people in the house to care for Maria without Diana feeling she was deserting her if she left for a while. Somehow, after only a few months of knowing this lovely young girl, she seemed to have found herself responsible for her.

  Chapter 25

  It was midday before Diana arrived back home, closed the door, and allowed herself to think about all that she herself had lost.

  With caring for Maria and dealing with the immediate practical details following Leo’s death, there had not been the space or the time to think exactly how losing him was going to impact on her life. And there had been the feeling at the back of her mind that, after knowing him for such a short time, she did not have the entitlement to be as upset as those who had known him longer. And even the list of names that Bernice had mentioned who would need to be notified – customers, business acquaintances and the Manchester Italian community – it was obvious that there had been many other people who had liked and loved Leo Conti.

  The house, though ordered, felt cold and cheerless so she went into the kitchen and switched on the central heating to warm it up and then she headed for the stairs to go and have a shower. It was only when she caught sight of herself in the gilt hall mirror that she suddenly stopped in her tracks. Overnight, her face seemed to have aged by years. She continued to stare at her reflection for a few minutes until her eyes glazed over and she could hardly see herself, then she continued upstairs to her bedroom.

  And it was when she looked at the bed she had made up the previous evening with the new navy and cream Habitatbed cover that her own loss of Leo finally hit her. The bed signifying the stage that she and Leo had carefully reached in their relationship, and where, she knew, they would soon have lain together.

  She thought back to the dreams and plans she had built around their relationship – the dreams she had not allowed herself to have with any other man for years. And now, it had all fallen apart. It was never to be.

  The tears that overwhelmed her were a mixture of sadness and anger. The sadness was for Leo – a fine man cut down at a time in life when he should have been enjoying himself and reaping the rewards of all the hard work in the restaurant. And there was great sadness for Maria who was now left without either parent, and at that delicate, confusing time when she was neither a child nor yet a woman. And Diana could already feel the heartfelt sadness from all the friends and people who had known and loved Leo for his kindness and generosity.

  But underneath it all, Diana was struggling even harder with the bitterness and anger she felt against life – against fate.

  Once again, her hopes and dreams had been shattered, but this time it was much worse than it had been with Brian. Her romance with Leo had been following an easy and natural course, and there had been nothing to suggest it would not continue. They had talked easily and both had been open with each other about their pasts. Leo had told her that meeting her was the best thing to happen him since his wife had died, and that he had never imagined himself in a relationship again where he would feel so relaxed and able to talk about things. And he had confided in her about his gambling and drinking, explaining that he could now see he had been using them to fill a huge gap in his life – a gap that Diana had slipped so easily and naturally into.

  Diana had not been naïve about the situation – she knew that Leo had a lot of work to do to sort out his finances and to break the habit of late-night drinking and card games, but she had somehow known deep inside her that all that would have been be resolved now that he had found other things to replace them. Now they had found each other.

  She felt that his difficulties and his trusting of her had made their relationship more real – more human – and it was because of those reasons that she was finally able to open up to him about Brian. She was able to tell him the truth about their long-standing – but going-nowhere – relationship, and the truth about their break-up – something she had never imagine
d sharing with anyone – friend or lover.

  The relief she had felt after sharing that particular burden was more than she could ever have envisaged. And that, coupled with all his other attributes, had led her to imagine that she could build a future with Leo Conti.

  But it was not going to happen because he had been kind and stood up for a man who many people ostracised because he was effeminate and different. Leo had not been sure whether Timothy had even been a practising homosexual, but he chose not to judge him whatever the case. And he had stood up for Timothy on not one but several occasions, because he believed in right and wrong and had the courage to live out his convictions.

  Brian, Diana knew to her cost, had done the complete opposite. He had lived a lie and had sucked her into his world for too many years. And yet he was still willing to lead a life built on hypocrisy. The recent letter she had received only yesterday from him contained numerous declarations of love and another marriage proposal. He described a big, rambling house he had seen in Wilmslow that would suit them if she would agree to a wedding, and the landscaped garden that was perfect for the two or three children they could easily have before it was too late. It was all down to her, he wrote. The ball was in her court. She only had to say the word and he would put the plans in action.

  She noted that there was not a single mention of the reason they had split up. Nothing about the young man who had rung his apartment to ask for directions to the hotel they were meeting in that night. Nothing about the horrendous, sexually explicit male magazines she had found when she searched his desk for clues. And after she had confronted him with all the evidence about his homosexuality, and after he had admitted that he had been leading a double life, he still expected her to trust him again and even marry him and have his children.

  How ridiculous, she thought, when Brian had obviously not felt any inclination or desire for her during all the years they were together. If he felt that he now could change and feel physical attraction for her after all this time, then that was most unfortunate, because she certainly did not feel the same about him.