Annie's Truth (Touch of Grace)

by Beth Shriver

  Annie followed her family into the home of Jake Umble. Each family took its turn to host a singing, even though most didn’t have the room for the hundred or so that attended. There were two churches that met in different homes every other Sunday.

  She followed her siblings as they all sat together on a row of benches. Her mamm sat at the far end, and Daed sat at the other end. Annie usually sat in the middle to help keep the young ones from acting up, but today of all days she sat next to Daed. Lost in her thoughts, she hadn’t paid attention to where they were seated, but the moment she sat down she felt incredible discomfort. He had made it clear he didn’t want her to go, and there would be no forgiveness if she did. Now, sitting next to him, she sat ramrod straight and kept her eyes forward. Annie wondered whether he felt the same tension or only resentment toward her.

  The oldest man in the congregation carried the Ausbund, a hymnal published in German with nine hundred pages of songs, in a satchel-like box. He silently went to the front of the room and took out the thick book. Slivers of yarn protruded from the old book, which was marked after last week’s singing so as to be prepared for today’s choices. As Annie reached beside her for her hymnal book, her hand brushed Daed’s. He stilled, frozen for only a moment, then continued to open his book to the required song.

  Annie’s fragile emotions captured her, and her eyes begin to water. She took deep breaths until the tears dried and she was able to sing, forcing out the notes until the song was finally over. Usually one to enjoy singing, she blocked her thoughts and turned so as not to catch a glance from her daed.

  The next Vorsanger hymn leader stepped up and began the new song, which was always the “Loblied,” a hymn of praise. Annie had never felt so void of passion for these dear songs that expressed their faith. The leader belted out the song with a small smile, but Annie felt nothing—no joy in her heart or lifting of her spirit, just words and music that held no meaning.

  Because they played no instruments, each person’s voice could be heard much easier than when drowned out with music. Her daed’s baritone voice filled her ears and tugged on her heartstrings.

  A third leader stepped up to sing. He sang the first word and waited for the congregation to join in with him. These men would be the ones considered for the lot when a minister was to be selected. Annie had always thought this man before her would fit the role well but now felt plagued that she didn’t consider them all equal, as was expected. She grabbed hold of the seat in front of her as her knees trembled. She continued to analyze every detail, tune, and person around her. The room faded, and her breathing became labored. She tried to hold on to her senses until the ministers came out from their pre-service council meeting. Then she could sit and catch her breath. When they finished the song and no one appeared, Annie groaned. Her daed stiffened but did not look over at her. Annie waited, hoping not to hear another song announced, and she’d have to stand again.

  “Page 492, stanza 25,” the leader called out. A swish of pages filled the room.

  “Beulah Land,” a favorite of most her age, began. It was sung at a faster pace and kept her thoughts off her overstimulated mind.

  Finally the ministers came forth to begin the sermon. When it was over, Annie had never been so glad to leave. Her anxiety lessened once she stepped out of the house and into the sunshine. She took in a breath of the crisp air and felt more like herself again.

  After worship service Amos and the boys went to tending the animals, while the girls helped Mamm with the cooking. Although most meals were eaten in silence, this one was painfully so.

  Annie went up to finish packing. She’d started days ago to prepare herself, as the time was drawing close. Hanna stood in the doorway and watched. She met her gaze but continued packing. Neither of them spoke. Hanna opened Annie’s drawer and placed some heavy black hose in Annie’s suitcase. She stared at her for a moment and then returned to her packing, with Hanna assisting by her side.

  As Annie watched her sister struggle to close the full suitcase, she tried to understand that Hanna must feel abandoned, much like she did, but the trepidation Annie felt was something none of them could comprehend. They lived a sheltered life, away from where she was going, but she didn’t expect them to empathize with or condone her actions. Annie was going against everything she had learned up to this point in her life—to be satisfied living in the community. Once she left, would she be marked forever?

  Annie stepped down to the bottom of the stairs to see all of her siblings lined up at the door. As she looked at each one of them, she began to falter. It had seemed so obvious only moments ago, but now looking into their eyes she questioned herself. She sucked in a breath and took the first step onto the squeaky wooden floor and smiled as she walked toward them. She went from Eli, the tallest, to Samuel, the shortest, and then up and down the rest of the way down the line until she reached her mamm.

  “Where’s Daed?” Annie looked around the room, hoping against hope he’d see her off.

  Mamm stroked Annie’s hair. “He won’t be coming, Annie. I’m sorry.”

  Annie nodded once. “I guess I shouldn’t even ask about Mammi and Dawdi.”

  Hanna looked away, as did Eli. Augustus twined his fingers together in front of him, and Frieda gazed at her with an apologetic smile. Samuel and Thomas were oblivious, for which she was grateful. No need for them to know how harsh their daed was.

  Annie reached for her suitcase, but not as quickly as Eli did. Annie squeezed Hanna’s hand as she walked by her. When she stepped outside, Eli stopped and dropped the suitcase. “Morning, John.” He looked at Annie. “I’ll bring the buggy around.” Eli pecked her on the cheek and walked into the house.

  She quickly turned to John. He stood at the bottom of the stairs with one boot on the last step. His face was expressionless. “I see why you’ve been avoiding me.”

  Annie wanted to look away, but her eyes wouldn’t move. Right at that moment she wondered how she could leave him, how she could have stayed away from him these past couple of days. She’d done well to evade talking with him about her plans for a while, but it had become more difficult toward the end.

  “I knew if I was around you I wouldn’t go.”

  He took the four stairs to the top and stood only inches away from her. “So you do care about me.”

  She scoffed. “Of course I do.”

  He grabbed her by the arms. “Then don’t do this.”

  Surprised by his force, she stared into his fiery eyes. “I have to, John.”

  He let go of her and looked away. “You won’t come back.”

  Annie’s emotions jolted. She was so far from that thought; she didn’t know how to respond. “Jah, I will.”

  He shook his head. “You’ll see the idols of the outside world, and you won’t return.”

  John’s eyes misted, making a lump form in Annie’s throat. Maybe she was wrong; this wasn’t necessary after all. She could just stay here, where it was safe. She’d lived eighteen years without knowing. Why did she need to know now?

  Looking into his eyes, she could make it all go away, all the questions and the raging battle in her heart. She knew it wouldn’t last, though, that she’d be miserable if she didn’t go. But she would come back. That too she knew was true.

  “I will come back, John.” She reached up to touch his face, feeling the stubble from his whiskers against her fingers. This was a familiar and safe place, next to him, one that she would remember when she was gone. “I promise.”

  He reached for her hand and took in deep breath. She knew he was fighting to keep his emotions under control. “I wish I could believe that.”

  “John, you of all people have to believe me, believe in me. I know you don’t understand, but maybe you don’t have to. Maybe you just need to support me, pray for me, and give me the strength to go so I can come back a complete person.”

  He touched the tip of her nose with his finger. “You already are complete. I wish you could see that.”
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  So he wouldn’t understand. The one person she’d counted on couldn’t give her what she needed.

  His eyes glazed, as if he knew the disappointment she was feeling. Then he lowered his head and squeezed both of her hands. When he pulled away, he touched his head against hers. His eyes never opened. Annie stared at him, waiting to see the deep brown of his eyes that had comforted her for so many years.

  He turned and slowly walked down the stairs, his dark locks brushing the collar of his white, starched shirt. He stopped at the bottom of the stairs, paused, and then stuck his hands in his pockets.

  Annie waited for him to turn so she could see his striking face, but he looked to the ground and took a few steps before breaking into a jog until he disappeared into the thick grove of golden trees that separated them.

  Chapter Seven

  COUSIN ABRAHAM KINDLY left his shop to take Annie to the bus station. Their trip to town had been quiet, filled with thoughts about what to expect. She had done all the thinking on the emotional side but only knew what little her mamm did about the outside world and what she would need to get by. Once she was with the Glicks, Mamm felt sure Annie would be in good hands.

  The bay horse and black buggy pulled up next to the train station amongst the many automobiles. Abraham pulled on the reins and hopped down from his perch. He came around to Annie’s side and grabbed her suitcase. She held Abraham’s shoulder as she stepped to the ground.

  “I’ve never been inside.” Annie felt intimidation creep in as she scanned the brick and mortar building before her. Traveling by a motored vehicle suddenly seemed like a bad idea. She liked the slow trot of a horse and the open air against her face. But there was no going back now. Not after what she’d put her family through. She had to do this now, or live with the questions for the rest of her life.

  She studied the huge machine from top to bottom and side to side. “This is a big change from a horse.”

  Abraham’s large hand rested on her shoulder. “You know how many horses are under that hood? Four hundred and forty-four.” He grinned. “You’ll be where you’re going in no time, with all that power.”

  His knowledge of something so unimportant in their world surprised Annie. “How do you know that?”

  “Couldn’t help but ask one day when I saw one of those Greyhounds roaring down the road.” He gestured toward his own stocky horse. “Makes Gracie seem irrelevant, doesn’t it?”

  “You can’t nuzzle up to a bus.” Annie tried to smile through her anxiety.

  He gave Gracie an admiring grin. “I guess we do have a relationship.”

  She turned to him and wrapped her arms around his thick waist. “Danke, Abraham.” It was easier having him drop her off and generous of him to take time away from his shop.

  “Go on, now. Do what you need to do and come home, ya hear?” He forced a smile and gave her a nod.

  “I will. That’s about the only thing I know for sure, that I’ll come home soon.” She sighed, hoping the cleansing breath would calm her nerves.

  “Maybe that’s all you need to know for right now.” He winked and watched her go.

  Annie sat in the middle of a row of chairs at the bus station. She’d been to the small town of Staunton only a number of times, when she was needed to carry goods or take her mammi and dawdi in for something they needed there, but never for anything to do for herself. She suddenly felt selfish with all the attention drawn around her.

  Though it was forbidden, she was curious about some places in the town, but not enough to make excuses to go to them, like some of her friends did. Some of the magazines exposed as much of people’s lives as their skin in revealing clothes, and some of the restaurants served alcohol, which made some of the teenagers curious. The more enamored they became with these temptations, the more they drove her away. The things she had seen created a strange feeling in her stomach, as they did now.

  “Lord, keep me safe on this journey,” she whispered with bowed head.

  She tried not to stare as she considered the variety of clothes people wore and wondered what it must be like to have so many choices. She observed one man’s arms, which were tattooed from forearm to wrist, wondering how he decided on a green vine wrapping up his arm to his bicep. It reminded her of the jasmine that grew on her mamm’s lattice by the garden. Another young man wore earrings from his earlobe to the top of his ear. Even if her community didn’t forbid the practice, she knew she wouldn’t want any part of that. She cringed at the pain it must cause.

  A man and a woman groped one another, their lips locked. Annie hoped only one of them would be boarding the bus soon. She’d had enough of an education on public affection for a while.

  An unshaven man with tousled hair paced through the station. Annie wondered why another man had on a suit with shiny shoes, and this man searched in the trash cans for food. His long coat was dirty and worn, as were his red high-top tennis shoes. Annie remembered some of the Amish girls wearing high-tops with their plain dresses and looked down at her flat black shoes.

  One woman chased after her toddler and gave him two hard slaps to his behind. The boy wailed and screamed. The mother sat beside him with a tense face, trying to ignore him. Annie wondered who suffered more from the disciplinary action—the mother or the child.

  An elderly lady slowly walked over and sat near her. She put her purse in the chair between them and took off her scarf. “I’ve always admired those bonnets you ladies wear.” She gazed admiringly at Annie’s kapp.

  “Danke.” Annie paused when the woman smiled. “I mean, thank you.” She noticed the purple scarf she’d removed from her puffy hairdo and then folded neatly in her lap. “That’s a pretty color.”

  The woman’s eyes lit up. “You don’t wear color?”

  “We wear some dark colors.” Annie smiled at the lady’s interest.

  “Really?” She chuckled. “Soon enough you won’t be able to tell a Mennonite from an Amish.”

  Annie thought on that for a moment. The woman might be right. Wouldn’t that put a wrinkle in Mammi’s bed sheets? She had known Mammi and Dawdi wouldn’t come to see her off, but she was disappointed her daed hadn’t told her good-bye. She’d never forgive herself if something happened to him while she was gone. He would probably never understand why she’d left.

  “I didn’t offend you, did I?” The woman put a hand on Annie’s arm.

  “No, it’s our faith that matters most. And we do agree on that.”

  “Well, that’s what I’ve always thought.”

  “Some of our rules are not the same. But we appreciate our similarities more than our differences.”

  “Smart girl.” She smiled and reached for her bag. “Are you riding on this bus?” She nodded toward the window into the huge garage that housed the buses.

  Annie noticed the Harrisonburg name on the side. “Jah, I am.” She made a mental note to try and curb her Deitsch tongue.

  A man wearing a shirt with the Greyhound logo stepped down from a bus and yelled to the crowd. “Now boarding for Harrisonburg, Virginia.”

  The lady scanned the room and all the people heading for the bus. “Looks like it might be crowded. Maybe we can sit together.”

  Annie nodded. “My name’s Annie.”

  The lady held out her hand. “Mine’s Delores.”

  She took the woman’s warm, wrinkled hand in hers. A common gesture, but the Amish handshake was a single, firm pump.

  “Do you have friends in Harrisonburg?”

  Not wanting to share her story, Annie nodded. “Do you?”

  “My grandchildren, whom I miss terribly.”

  “It must be hard to be away from them.”

  “Yes, yes it is.” A grim shadow fell over Delores’s face as she turned her head forward to follow the line to the garage.

  Annie thought about how hard it must be not to have all the generations of family together. As much as her grandparents were difficult to be around at times, she couldn’t imagine them not b
eing next door. And she still dearly missed her mamm’s mamm as well. She didn’t live far, but it was far enough that it took all day to get there, eat a meal, and come home again.

  By the time they got on the bus, few seats were left. They took the last two that were together and settled in and talked for a short while before Delores fell asleep.

  Annie couldn’t. There was too much to see. The acres of crops soon turned to pasture, and then houses were everywhere, one on top of another, with small yards crowded together as far as she could see. She’d always figured they must be very compatible. How else could they live that close together? Drops of rain hit the window and bounced off the leaves of a row of maple trees they drove by. The moisture would keep the foliage green a bit longer before autumn would alter its many colors in the valley.

  Annie tried to enjoy the ride and not think about what her family was doing. She was homesick from the minute she stepped onto the bus. She knew thinking of home wouldn’t help, but when she shut her eyes, its images flooded her heart.

  They’d been fishing all morning, and not a single fish dangled from the string. Annie yanked in her line and threw the pole on the grass behind her. She felt regret when John laid his rod on the bank beside him and waved her over. “Dig, right here.” He pointed to a muddy spot next to the water.

  Annie squinted up at him.

  “It’s just like making a mud pie.”

  The dirt became soft, and she scooped out a large handful. He touched her nose and stuck a finger in the middle of the pile. Out popped a pink worm, fat and lively as it made its way out of the brown earth in her palm.

  John took her pole and then the worm, which he stuck on the hook and then set in front of her. “Now give it a good spit.”

  Annie caught his eye to confirm his request. He nodded. She swished the saliva around in her cheeks and puckered, then forced the liquid from her mouth. She missed and frowned at John.