Hate to Love You

by Jennifer Sucevic

  As much as it pains me to admit it, even privately to myself, maybe the woman isn’t all that bad. Although I reserve the right to withhold judgment for a later date.

  “I want us to spend time together,” Dad says.

  Even though it’s childish and I’m not proud of myself for it, I ask, “Alone?”

  The corners of his lips hitch upward, and he sighs. “Yes, alone. Until you’re ready, I won’t mention Bridgette, okay?” He glances at our entwined hands. “But you need to understand that I love her, Nat. At some point, I’m going to marry her. If you’re not ready for that, we’ll hold off.” He gives me a hard look. “For the time being.”

  I’d prefer he come back home and try to work things out with Mom, but I get it—that’s not going to happen.

  I nod. “Okay.”

  “Good.” He glances at his wristwatch. “Are you sure I can’t treat you to lunch? I have some time before I need to get back to the office.”

  For the first time since running into Dad, I remember my concerns regarding Brody not showing up for class. I shake my head. “No, I’m sorry. There’s something I need to take care of.” As I rise from the bench and scoop up my bag, I ask, “How did you know where to find me?”

  Whitmore’s campus is large and sprawling. Trying to find someone here can be like playing a game of Where’s Waldo.

  “Your friend Brody told me where I could find you.”

  I freeze. “Brody?”

  “Yeah, he came to see me at my office. I have to admit that I was surprised at first, but he helped me to understand how hard you’ve been hit by all this.” Dad clears his throat. “I’m embarrassed to say that I hadn’t realized just how affected you were by the divorce. I thought because you were older, it would be easier for you to deal with. But that’s not the case, is it?”

  I shake my head. No matter how old you are, when your family splits up, it hurts. But that’s not what I’m focused on at the moment. My knees give out, and I fall back onto the bench. “Brody came to see you?” I can’t believe he would do that.

  He nods. “Yeah, he did.”

  “When?” I can barely force out the word. My heart beats erratically under my breast.

  “Yesterday,” Dad says. “We talked for about thirty minutes.”

  Brody stopped by the day after we broke up? That doesn’t make any sense. Why would he do that?

  Tears fill my eyes. I couldn’t stop them from falling if I tried.

  “Nat?” Concerned, Dad asks, “What’s wrong?”

  I shake my head and wipe the moisture from my eyes with the back of my hand. “Nothing.”

  “That young man really cares about you,” he comments. “Is he your boyfriend?” He watches me carefully from across the table. I’m sure he’s trying to figure out what’s going on.

  “No,” I whisper. “He’s not.” Saying those words feels like being knifed in the heart. Pain floods through every part of my body. For the second time, I bolt from the bench and gather up my bag. “I have to go, Dad. I’m sorry.”

  He rises with me, his face marred with concern and confusion. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  My mind is so filled with Brody that I can barely concentrate on what he’s saying. “I’ll be fine.” I’m no more than a few steps away from him when I spin back around and blurt, “Is it possible for me to borrow your car?”

  “Sure.” He doesn’t even hesitate, just fishes the keys from his pocket and throws them to me.

  I catch them in my hand and start walking backward. “How will you get back to work?”

  “I’ll Uber it.”

  The edges of my lips lift. “Do you know how to do that?”

  “I’ll figure it out.” He shrugs. “How difficult can it be?”

  I smile. “Thanks, Dad.”

  He points toward the street. “I’m parked up a block on Denison. Now, get moving. I’ll see you later when you drop the car off. Maybe then you can explain what’s going on.”

  “I will!” With those words shouted over my shoulder, I take off running.

  I only hope that when I find Brody, he’ll hear me out and give me a chance to explain. Maybe it’s too late for us to get back together, but he needs to know that my feelings run so much deeper than I let on.

  Chapter Forty-Four

  Natalie

  I throw my dad’s Honda Accord into park and cut the engine. Butterflies swarm my belly, giving me a nauseous feeling. On the way over, I rehearsed everything I wanted to say. I had the whole spiel worked out in my head. But now, as I sit in front of Brody’s house, I can’t remember a single word.

  I’m concerned that he won’t give me the chance to explain myself. And I can’t really blame him for that. Even now, two days later, the look of pain that flashed across his face when I told him that I didn’t have the same kind of feelings for him leaves me cringing.

  Coming here feels like a huge risk.

  A mistake.

  But…

  I can’t not tell Brody how I feel. I can’t let him think that I don’t care about him, because I do. So much that it hurts my heart.

  I squeeze my eyes tightly shut and suck in a deep breath before expelling it slowly.

  Okay. I can do this. I can—

  Knuckles rap loudly on the driver’s side window.

  My eyes fly open, and I stifle the rising scream in my throat. I raise my hand and press it against my chest. My gaze locks on the guy standing next to the car. His brows pull together as he contemplates me.

  “Natalie? What are you doing here?” he asks.

  I gulp and roll down the window. “Hi.” I’m so nervous, I can barely speak. “I came to talk with Brody.”

  Luke straightens to his full height and folds his arms across his chest. Something in his eyes hardens. Luke and I have always been friendly. But right now, he’s eyeing me like I’m a bug splattered across his windshield. I get the feeling that if it were in his nature, he’d tell me to go fuck myself.

  “That’s not really a good idea,” he says.

  “Why?” Already I feel like I’m going to come out of my skin. His words only ratchet up my misery.

  “Because Brody has a lot going on right now.” The disgust filling his voice is palpable. It makes me wince. “He doesn’t need you messing with his head. You’ve already done a good job of that.”

  My mouth tumbles open. Guilt and anguish rush through my veins. I protest weakly, “I didn’t—”

  “Yeah, you did,” he cuts me off coldly. “Whether you realize it or not. You did.”

  I gulp and try to explain with, “But—”

  Unwilling to listen to anything I have to say, he shakes his head and takes a step away from the vehicle. “Brody’s in Milwaukee, checking out housing for next year. He won’t be back until Sunday night. The best thing you can do for him is leave him alone and move on.”

  Everything within me collapses.

  I thought the worst possible scenario was sharing my feelings with Brody and then having him tell me to go to hell. But this…not being able to put my feelings out there at all, is so much worse. He needs to know that our relationship wasn’t one-sided like I led him to believe.

  Forgetting about Luke, I lay my head against the steering wheel and stifle the tears that burn my eyes.

  What am I going to do?

  What I have to tell him needs to be said in person, not over the phone.

  “Natalie?”

  My head lolls to the side until I’m able to meet Luke’s eyes. His fingers now rest on the doorframe, and his concerned face fills the window.

  “I need to talk to him.” A sob rises in my throat. “I need to explain what happened.”

  “He really liked you,” Luke says begrudgingly. “I’ve never seen Brody so into a girl. And you…” he trails off.

  I squeeze my eyes tightly shut as if that will block out the pain. It doesn’t work. I’m all but steeped in it. “I know,” I whisper. “I know what I did. I never meant to cause h
im any pain.”

  “But you did,” he says.

  There’s no arguing with that comment. “I thought I was doing the right thing by letting him go.”

  Curiosity fills Luke’s voice. “Do you still feel like it was the right thing to do?”

  “No.”

  “You’re one of the few people Brody has opened up to and shared his life with. I hope you realize that.” Another dagger slices through my heart. Luke and Zara make the perfect pair. Neither one of them hold back any punches.

  “Of course, I do.” As if I didn’t already feel like shit, his unvarnished words only make me feel worse.

  Luke sighs and straightens. “Brody and his dad are staying at The Park Hotel in Milwaukee.”

  When I stare, he shrugs and arches a brow. “Now you know where he is. I guess the next move is yours to make, isn’t it?”

  Lifting my head, I nod and start up the engine.

  Chapter Forty-Five

  Brody

  “Any thoughts about the last condo we toured?” Dad lifts the scotch to his lips and takes a healthy drink. “Pretty nice, wasn’t it?”

  We flew in late last night and met with the Mavericks’ defensive coach this morning for breakfast. He and the old man played together in Chicago before Dad was traded to Detroit. Then we spent the rest of the day with Dana, the realtor who is showing us around Milwaukee. We got back to the hotel about an hour ago and stopped at the bar to have a drink.

  I nod, but I’m not really paying attention to what he’s saying.

  I thought this trip to Milwaukee would help take my mind off of Natalie. I could focus on the future and put a little distance between us. All I did was sulk around the house. I caught a glimpse of her on campus yesterday, and it nearly brought me to my knees. I just wanted to grab her and…

  I pinch the bridge of my nose.

  What? What was I going to do?

  Shake some sense into her?

  Demand that she acknowledge her feelings for me?

  No. I couldn’t do either of those things.

  Until I can wrap my mind around the truth that her feelings for me don’t run as deep as the ones I have for her, I need to steer clear. And getting out of Dodge seemed like the best way to do it.

  But all it’s done is slam home the realization that once I graduate this spring, I’ll be moving on with my life. I won’t see Natalie anymore. I won’t run into her on campus. Or at a party. Or in class.

  That chapter of my life will be over.

  Someone needs to explain to me how I’m supposed to walk away from her. From the one woman who actually makes me feel alive.

  “Brody.”

  I jerk out of my thoughts and back to the present. “Yeah?”

  Dad eyes me over the rim of his crystal tumbler as he takes another drink. “You need to get your head out of your ass and focus on what’s important.”

  I break eye contact and stare sightlessly out the wall of windows overlooking the busy street. It’s been gray and rainy for most of the day, which matches my disposition perfectly. “I am, Dad.”

  He raises a brow. “This is exactly why I didn’t want you getting involved with someone at this stage of the game. You don’t need some girl fucking with your head.”

  Irritated by his words, I drag my fingers through my hair and snap, “Can we not do this right now?” Dad is the last person I want to discuss Natalie with.

  “You’re better off without her, Brody. I tried telling you that before, but you refused to listen.” He stabs a finger in my direction. “You keep it light. No relationships.”

  It takes a moment for his words to sink in. My brows furrow. “What are you talking about?”

  After our discussion at brunch where he told me to cut Natalie loose, I’ve gone out of my way not to mention her. And I sure as shit didn’t tell him about our breakup because I didn’t want to hear yet another rendition of the I-told-you-so lecture.

  I need that like another freaking hole in the head.

  “That girl broke up with you, didn’t she? That’s why you’re in such a pissy mood?” Dad places the tumbler of scotch on a coaster. “Listen, the best way to get over one woman is to get under another. Go out tonight and have a little fun. You’re in the perfect city for it.”

  Those words send my temper skyrocketing. “How do you know that Natalie dumped me?”

  His eyes flick around the bar before settling on mine again, and he shrugs. “I don’t know. You must have mentioned it the other day.”

  Even though I shake my head, I keep my eyes focused on his. He’s lying. “No, I didn’t.”

  He sits back, putting distance between us. “Sure, you did.”

  I lean forward and rest my forearms on the glass table. My voice sharpens. “No, I didn’t. After what happened at brunch, there was no way I would tell you anything about her.”

  “If you didn’t mention it, how else would I know?”

  There’s something he’s not telling me. I feel it.

  “I don’t know,” I mutter. But an idea is taking shape in my brain. One I don’t want to believe could’ve happened. I think about the days leading up to the breakup, recalling the odd sensation that something wasn’t right between Natalie and me and being unable to pinpoint exactly what it was. The last time we made love, there was a strange intensity behind it. Desperation had poured off of Natalie in thick, heavy waves. And she wrapped herself around me afterward as if she couldn’t bear the thought of letting go. At the time, I hadn’t given it much consideration. I hadn’t understood because I’d been flying high.

  In retrospect, her behavior makes sense. All of the puzzle pieces now fit together perfectly.

  I narrow my eyes. “What did you say to Natalie?”

  A look of annoyance flickers across my father’s face. “What are you talking about?”

  “You spoke to Natalie, didn’t you?” As I release the accusation into the air, I know it’s true. Christ, I’m such an idiot. Why didn’t I see this before?

  He blusters before glaring and pointing a finger at me. “I told you not to get involved with anyone! I told you that it would be nothing but a distraction and you wouldn’t listen.” He shakes his head and grumbles, “Getting into fights with a teammate and kicked out of practice, looking like shit on the ice…That girl needed to go, and I took care of the problem before she could fuck up anything else for you.”

  Uncaring of the patrons around us, I slam my fist on the table as rage burns a hole through my gut. “You had no right to interfere in my relationship!”

  Several people in the vicinity turn in their seats and gape. But I’m beyond the point of caring. Let them stare.

  “I had every right!” Dad thunders. “You weren’t listening.”

  “I’m twenty-three years old, for God’s sake! I’m more than capable of making my own decisions. You never should have involved yourself in my relationship with Natalie. It had nothing to do with you.”

  He throws his arms wide. “What should I have done, huh? Stood idly by and let you fuck up everything we’d been working years for?” He shakes his head. “I wasn’t going to do that. This girl has you jacked in the head. Someone had to step in and save you from yourself.”

  God-fucking-damnit!

  “Natalie is the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” I growl. “And you ruined it.” The chair scrapes back as I come to my feet. I can’t sit here for another moment and listen to the shit he’s spewing.

  “Sit your ass back down, Brody,” Dad grits from between clenched teeth. “We’re not done talking.”

  A muscle ticks in my jaw as I try to control the rage rushing through my body. My father and I have always been on the same page. After Mom died, it was just the two of us. But this time, he’s gone too far, and I’m not sure if I can forgive him for it. “We’re done.”

  He rises so that we’re eye level. “Sit down,” he snaps. “And let’s discuss this like adults. Since you keep telling me that you’re twenty-three yea
rs old and can handle your own life, start damn well acting like it.”

  I lift my chin. “Sure, let’s sit down and discuss how you went behind my back and ended my relationship.”

  He rolls his eyes. “Don’t you think you’re being a bit melodramatic? What you had was nothing more than a fling. You let your heart get involved, and it got bruised. In a couple of days, you’ll move on. End of story.”

  I ball my fists and take a step toward him. “It was more than that, and you damn well know it.”

  He raises a brow. “Do I?” He reaches out and settles a heavy hand on my shoulder. I want to shake him loose, but don’t. “I didn’t force her to do anything. I put the decision in her hands, and she chose to break up with you. It was the right call to make, and she understood that.”

  My heart twists because there’s a sliver of truth to his words. Natalie could have told me what Dad wanted her to do, but she chose not to. She hid it from me and broke my heart.

  “It’s for the best, Brody,” he says quietly. “Further down the line, it would’ve only led to more heartache.”

  Fury boils up within me, and I slap his hand away. “Fuck you, Dad.”

  His eyes widen as I walk past him. “Where are you going?”

  “I’m packing my bags and catching a flight back home.”

  I have to see Natalie and figure out where her head’s at. The truth of the matter is that I love her, but I don’t understand how she could have walked away from me. If the situation were reversed, there’s no way I would have done the same. Nothing and no one could have ever forced me to turn my back on her.

  Chapter Forty-Six

  Natalie

  As the cab pulls up to the curb in front of The Park Hotel, I throw a wad of bills at the driver and tell him to keep the change. Was it really six hours ago when I raced home from the hockey house and searched for flights to Milwaukee on my laptop? Before I could overthink it, I pressed purchase and printed off the plane ticket. Then I grabbed an overnight bag, stuffed some clothes in it along with a toothbrush, and called a taxi to go to the airport. Three hours later, I lifted off, bound for Milwaukee.