Lost Angel (The List #1)

by N. K. Love

  These two vital changes were the turning point for Next Chapter. We managed to keep my grandmothers warm friendly atmosphere but with the integration into the world of technology, we opened the doors to the younger generation. The footfall of students from the local university and colleges gave us a massive boost. Profits increased month on month, having settled into a steady lucrative amount, which exceeded my estimations and did more than pay the bills.

  I managed to start saving a tidy amount each month ‘for a rainy day’. In the back of my savvy mind, I always knew it was wise to have a cushion of financial comfort whenever I may need it in my life. Mike also had his own savings account.

  Over the hours and hours spent together, Eddie and I built up a great working relationship. So as soon as he sees me waltz into the shop whistling, he knows something’s different. He is a tall guy with a geek chic look about him, wearing thick rimmed glasses with frames that he colour co-ordinates with his attire.

  “Why good morning Bethany!” He strides over and plants a kiss on my cheek with a suspicious squint in his eye.

  “Hey Ed. Good weekend?” Trying to look oblivious to his inquisitive tone.

  “Yes thank you, the usual, nothing to write home about… Yooou on the other hand, are… different… Pray tell—”

  “Yes well, I have been a busy bee—” He stares at me nodding quickly, rotating his hand in that blatant way that says ‘yes yes get to the bloody point’.

  “—Sooooo Mike and I have split up and I’m now living with Willow—” His mouth gapes. “—aaand from the look on your face, that’s not what you were expecting?”

  Eddie isn’t attempting to hide the shock on his face. “No of course not, I thought you were going to say that you’re preg— Shit sorry honey that was insensitive. I just can’t believe it.”

  Eddie fixes us a coffee and we talk things over whilst we get the shop ready for opening. I tell him that I plan to work from Willows for the next few weeks, which works fine, as there’s plenty to do without being confined to the shop walls. Eddie is supportive and I know he has everything under complete control here. He will probably enjoy the breathing space as I do sometimes catch myself micromanaging.

  The day flies by and it’s soon time to lock up and leave again.

  6:00pm

  Work was great and I’m surprised that this surge of energy and motivation isn’t waning. Okay, next item on my list today is to call my mom and break the news. I decide to do it whilst preoccupied with driving so then I won’t be tempted to babble.

  The car speakers begin to ring and my dad answers. “Hey Dad, how you doing?”

  “Hey sweetheart, we’re fine, just got back from a lovely walk along the cliff tops after dinner. Do you want your mom? Hold on let me fetch her.”

  “Thanks Dad, I’ll speak to you soon, love you.”

  “Goodbye Bethany, I love you too.” Here goes…

  “Hello darling, this is a nice surprise. I thought it was strange we’d not heard from you over the weekend… Bethany—” God I would love a big hug off her right now.

  “Hi Mom, yeah sorry, it’s been pretty hectic. It’s just… that… it’s just that Mike and I have fallen out… permanently. As in, we’ve split up, forever—” There that wasn’t too hard, even if I do sound like a blithering idiot.

  A few moments of silence later… “Oh Bethany dear. I’m so so sorry. This is such a shock, are you sure you’re sure? Is there no chance of reconciliation?”

  I can hear her whispering to my dad and swatting him away.

  “No Mom. It’s definitely over but I’m fine, it was a mutual decision. Honestly, it’s been bizarrely stress-free so far and I actually feel pretty great today. Like I’ve got a new lease of life or something… Not that I wasn’t happy before, this just feels magnified if that makes sense… There’s been no fighting or cheating or months of crying into a pillow, we just both came to realise that we want different things out of life.” I’m just around the corner from Wills now.

  “I don’t know what to say, I… I just can’t help my motherly instinct to want to wrap you up in cotton wool and make everything better… But, it doesn’t actually sound like that’s what you need sweetheart. So, you’ve moved out?”

  “Yes, straight after we’d finished talking. Our minds were made up and it didn’t feel right me staying there any longer. I packed up and moved in with Wills. There’s plenty of space and you know we love each other’s company so there’s no pressure for me to make any rash decisions on a new place.”

  “Oh Willow is such a good friend. You tell her from me how very grateful I am that she’s looking out for my baby. Maybe it’d be an idea for you to come and stay here, just for a few nights? You know the affect the sea breeze has on you… You could bring Willow along, the two of you would have a lovely time.”

  “Mmmm… Maybe Mom. I’ll mention it to her. I think I need to find my feet a bit more first. I wouldn’t want to feel like I’m running away to bury my head in the sand. It’s only been a couple of days but I’m doing well so far.”

  “Okay darlin’, you know what’s best. The offer is there when you’re ready Bethany. Well, your father has been pacing the hallway trying to speak to me in sign language so I’d better go and fill him in. Would it be okay if I gave you a little call tomorrow, give me chance to digest all this?”

  “Of course, Mom. I’m working from home now so call me anytime. Don’t get worrying though, I’m honestly fine.”

  “Okay Bethany, you have a nice evening and I’ll call you in the morning. We love you so much dear.”

  “Love you both too, thanks Mom. Bye.”

  “Bye Bethany.”

  Pulling the car onto the drive alongside the house, Willow meets me at the door with her phone to her ear covering the mouthpiece. “Hair and nails – tomorrow – 5:30 – Is that cool?” She looks so pleased with herself.

  “Sure” I nod with a smile.

  When we get inside she’s delighted to hear that I’ve decided to work from home for a while; not least because this means she will take every opportunity possible to distract me. I’ve got a feeling my days will gradually start and end later and later under her influence, and I’m sure alcohol will play a part too.

  Chapter Four

  Tuesday 17th March 2015

  4:30pm

  Mom called just before lunch and hit me with the mother of all heart to hearts, knocking me totally off guard.

  She told me how she hadn’t slept all night, thinking about me and apologised for not being there when I needed her, which I tried to explain is totally ridiculous and that I now felt guilty for worrying her.

  We have a lovely relationship that I wouldn’t change for the world. But she said that when they moved away, she detached herself from my life more than she wanted to because she thought that’s what I wanted. I was newly engaged and loving my business so she chose to ignore the niggling voice inside her that told her I still needed my mom.

  Mom said that she knows all I’ve ever wanted is to be happily married, to love and be loved, and to be the best mother possible. She didn’t say it, but I got the feeling she had been concerned about my relationship with Mike for a while. Most of the times when we spoke on the phone, Mike wasn’t there for one reason or another. I’d find myself making excuses for him. I knew that bothered her so I always laid it on extra thick when we did get some quality time together. If we got to go for a meal, I would tell her every last detail to convince her that we did spend enough time together. I’d subconsciously try to score him brownie points when I knew he was falling short. Mike had only ever visited St Ives once, when my parents first moved. Even then I had to talk him into it. Mike just didn’t get how much I valued family time and he should’ve wanted to be part of that. I accepted it because he wasn’t very close to his own parents so how could I expect him to make an effort with mine. I was wrong. I know that now. I hate that the subconscious sacrifices I’ve made are making themselves known now. Unless
that’s part of the process that helps me to understand where I went wrong and what I need out of a relationship.

  Of course, at that point in the conversation I was blubbing all over my phone and pillow. Her words exposing my inner Miss Innocent, who was straightening up shyly, shrugging apologetically that she’d been found out. I could barely string together a sentence, so stuck to monosyllabic responses.

  Mainly I listened, which was good because she obviously had a lot to get off her chest. She went on to tell me all about her ups and downs with Dad and how they went through a rocky patch after she’d had her hysterectomy.

  Mom had just given birth to me and haemorrhaged, resulting in having an emergency hysterectomy, which saved her life. I’ve spoken to her often about it but never about how it had affected my parents’ relationship.

  Dad had apparently always wanted more children and as far as she was concerned, she’d let him down. Considering herself a failure as a wife, not being able to give the love of her life what they’d always dreamed about. It was heart wrenching to hear the pain still present in her voice as she relived and shared such private memories for me.

  Convinced that Dad would leave her with their newborn baby, she pushed him away, in a twisted way of protecting us in the long run. Instead she tried to concentrate on working out what motherhood was all about but the first few weeks were tough so she began to feel like a failure at that too. But she wouldn’t admit it or accept help; help that she needed as a first time mom. She must have been so sad and scared.

  It would have been incredibly hard for my dad too; just becoming a daddy and having to see his wonderful wife wither away before his eyes.

  Thankfully my dad is as stubborn as her so he didn’t give up and finally showed her the light, getting her help for post-natal depression and over time putting their marriage back on track. Mom said that although their love never faded, it felt like they fell in love all over again after that.

  She told me how I’ve always put too much pressure on myself to be happy, forgetting that happiness isn’t something that we can control and plan. It shouldn’t be hard work – I think that was aimed at Mike too but I didn’t stop her to clarify. Growing up with such loving, tactile parents must’ve planted a seed in my heart years ago and I’ve let it consume me, becoming my driving force. I’ve always been controlled and methodical in any choices. In actual fact, ironically, my need to be in control slowly spun out of my control the moment I believed my life was a play and that I wrote the script… So pretty early on then!

  I’ve tried to predict my life, somehow thinking that this would protect me. Mom is right and her departing words will stay with me forever:

  “Let great times be your memories and bad times be your lessons but most importantly; Let. It. Go. Stop living for your future and live for today. Live in the moment Bethany dear!”

  It was so inspiring and thought provoking; I briefly reached for my laptop to type it down so I wouldn’t forget. But lay back, sinking into my damp pillow, surrounded by the unconditional love that had poured out of my phone throughout the entire conversation, realising I could never forget those powerful words. I recited them over and over. A massive pivotal moment and I didn’t just know it, I felt it.

  After having my heart pampered by my mom, what better way to mark this turning point than pampering my hair and nails with my sister from another mister, Wills.

  Wills drives us over to the salon in her yellow Beetle and I tell her all about the conversation with my mom.

  “Your mom is so amazing Beth. What a woman… you know that’s gotta be your mantra from this point on? Every time you feel yourself overthinking things or doubting your instincts, you must repeat ‘Live in the moment, live in the moment’… Oooh I feel all inspired man, we’re so gonna hit the yoga mats when we get back and I’m tapping into your chakras B—” Her excitement is as infectious as ever. I’m feeling the love today and I love love.

  Wills tells me about how she believes my energy has been blocked in some chakra and my physical, mental and emotional imbalances may manifest by way of anxiety. It sounds very confusing but interesting and something I’m open to exploring more, especially if it’ll keep this positivity flowing.

  6:30pm

  We leave the salon and walk back to the car. I’m in fits of giggles as Wills has just started to tell me how she came… literally came… whilst the hairstylist washed her hair and massaged her head.

  “I kid you not B, and it’s not the first time it’s happened either!” She actually sounds proud.

  “That’s a freakin’ trip Wills. I’ve never heard anything like it. No wonder you were so eager to book an appointment; any excuse for you to get off.” I stop walking, outstretching one arm towards her head and make a sweeping gesture down to her toes with my other arm. Looking towards an imaginary audience— “Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, Willow; my orgasmic, kinkalicious best friend.”

  Wills takes an exaggerated bow and we carry on walking along the pavement linking arms. “You can’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it you know. Listen, a few years ago my yoga instructor introduced me to the wonderful world of tantric sex, which I was even sceptical about. I will tell you all about it properly later, remind me when we get home. Anyway, after I’d bagged my first orgasm through tantric sex, I realised how much our minds are capable of controlling our body… The next time I was having a pedicure, I let my imagination run away from me as this sexy beautician, with a cleavage for miles, massaged me, giving my feet her undivided expert attention. Out of the blue I felt a sudden rush of spasms and I couldn’t help but give in to them, having some crazy spontaneous orgasm. I had to start coughing as a distraction so she’d get me some water whilst I composed myself… And so it began, my world of obtaining free orgasms from strangers, and mastering the art of doing it in silence!” Her tone is so matter of fact and flippant.

  We are both now standing outside her car and I’m half sitting on the bonnet with one hand clutching my mouth and the other squeezing her forearm. “Wills, I don’t know whether to condemn you or bow down and worship you.”

  “Hmm… I’ll take the latter thanks.” She winks. “I swear it was a head fuck at first but it’s just a bit of harmless fun now. An occasional hobby of mine, if you like.”

  We jump in the car and drive home aptly singing along to “Undercover Lover” by Smooth. The difference in Wills case being that even the hairstylist was in the dark.

  I comb through my newly washed, layered and straightened hair, with my immaculate dusty pink talons. My shiny soft hair still reaches over my ribs, as I chose to keep the length, having just a few layers chopped in as well as some highlights, giving me more of a bronde look on top.

  To christen my new mantra we spontaneously decide to continue our fun by having a random night out. This ‘Fuck It’ attitude is growing on me.

  8:36pm

  Wills pours us another glass of wine and, as promised, she enlightens me in the world of tantric sex. I’d started reading an article about it ages ago so I knew that it was something about having a long-lasting sexual experience that is supposed to intensify the feelings between the people involved. But that’s as far as I got before turning the page. The words ‘long-lasting’ and ‘sexual’ didn’t bode well with Mike and I didn’t fancy being embarrassed out of bed for bringing it up. It was a rarity to get much more than ten minutes out of him – As if he’d commit to anything that was both timely and sexual! No, my dignity ensured I chose my bedroom battles wisely so they were few and far between towards the end. Mike was no gladiator and, fantasies aside, I was no Zena; so the Colosseum in our bedroom saw about as much action as our sexual arena did.

  “It means ‘the weaving and expansion of energy’. It’s a Hindu practice dating back thousands of years so you know it’s gotta be shamazing, right? There’s lots of ways to try it but my favourites are the delayed orgasm techniques. You fool around with typical foreplay and then every time either of you get close to
orgasm you ease off. Sometimes people call it peaking or surfing or edging… Anyway, eventually when you’re both really ready and finally let go… Maaaan, it can be that intense it brings you to tears. I don’t do it that often though. It wouldn’t be fair to neglect my other persuasions now would it? Variety is the spice of life!”

  I wouldn’t know. My version of variety is occasionally going on top or maybe deciding to leave the radio on whilst we have sex.

  We stand at the kitchen island as it’s got the best lighting and do our make-up together. Wills takes it upon herself to demonstrate various tantric positions, which then moves on to us taking it in turns throwing each other around to demonstrate all manner of sexual positions. I come up with some craziness that has her taking mental pictures. We are both very creative, Wills from experience mine from my sheer imagination! I can’t remember the last time I felt this happy and carefree. We both vanish to finish getting ready.