Lost Angel (The List #1)

by N. K. Love

  I can feel his chest brushing against my skin, making my nerves twitch in expectation. My nipples are hard against the lush fabric of my top. I don’t want him to stop talking or move away from me. I’m frozen to the seat. Even Miss Alter Ego, who rules my witty mouth, is speechless. My legs are still crossed so I clench my thighs together as tight as I can to ease some of the Jaxson-tension that’s building between them.

  I feel those perfectly sketched lips brush against my ear and achingly hover there, heightening my senses to a whole new level. His lips are right there, if I just tilt my head to the side we’ll be kissing… Do it Beth.

  I’m desperate to scream that I’m straight and demand he finishes what he started, but words fail me. He adds an air of sarcasm to his raspy tone and continues as though he heard my silent internal scream. “But of course, if you were straight, you could always pretend to be her instead. When I touch her, when I kiss her, you’ll almost be able to feel it….. And later when I take her to bed and you’re lying in yours; I want you to imagine that when my mouth’s tasting every inch of her body and I’m fucking her over and over, it’s actually really you—” Fuckity, fuck, fuck, is this actually happening? I’m either going to come all over his words or self-destruct. He leans back and moves his arms out of view. “—because that’s exactly what I’ll be doing the whole time, imagining she is you.”

  Man, he is something else. I’m not even ashamed to admit that he’s managed to turn me on beyond recognition whilst talking about fucking another woman! Miss Seductive has died and gone to heaven, in awe of this master of seduction. I remind myself that he now thinks I’m a pussy eating lesbian. Because you fucking told him that!

  It must be fate though because I thought he was out of my league but he’s not… he’s out of my hemisphere. He is my ultimate walking fantasy and that’s the way it will stay. Masturbation material at its absolute finest. Totally unattainable for me sexually; he’s like a worldwide bestselling author and I’m still unpublished, on my first draft of my first novel. Say no more! I need to get out of here fast, I need to breathe in some air that’s not saturated in Jaxson’s pheromones. I sense him move away so I climb down from stool and turn but he’s vanished into the darkness. I feel empty, flat. I discard my lolly stick, grab my handbag and go to find Wills.

  I’m not even sure how long I’ve been in that steamy vortex of oblivion but I feel out of sorts with my body. I’m not really in the mood for more dancing. Especially when I see how drunk everybody else is; that experience has sobered me up fast. Wills spots me and comes to meet me just off the dance floor. She tells me that she saw me with Jaxson and didn’t want to interrupt. When I hint that I’m ready to go home I have to reassure her that I’m fine, just tired. Thankfully, she says she’s ready too, so we go and kiss everybody goodnight.

  I wait in the corridor outside the toilets for her. Glancing through the archway to the main room, my eyes draw in on Jaxson weaving his way around the crowd. Then I notice his arm extending out behind him. Predictably, it hasn’t taken long for him to hone in on a scantily clad stunning blonde, who is trailing behind him, hand in hand. I absently wonder if he is actually trying to spot me so he can flaunt tonight’s lucky chosen one in front of me. I’m not sure what his opinion is of me or whether he believes I’m not interested. He stops when he sees me and I give him the friendliest smile I can muster and wave, miming ‘Bye’ so he knows I’m not hanging around to play his immature idea of a ‘little game’.

  Jaxson gives me a half-hearted salute and whilst keeping me connected via his piercing eyes, he bends down to lock lips with his latest conquest. I kick myself for replaying his words and find that I’m obeying; I easily swap her lips for mine, which instantly part at the thought. Those lips. God I want to feel them on mine. I love kissing and he’s bound to be a great kisser. He watches me—watching them. Sliding his hand from her neck down her body, skating over her breast and landing on her hip. I feel ever stroke of pleasure as though it was my curves he’s touching.

  Caught in a trance, I register his eyes again. He pulls away for a second, just long enough for me to see the upturn of his smug smirk before he collides with her mouth again. This time he spins them on the spot so that his back is to me, effectively invoking his control by shielding me from ogling any more. That move leaves me hanging in a cloud of confusion. Dammit. I hoped for an eyegasm from him tonight, not a complete headfuck.

  Wills reappears at my side. Following my stare, she rolls her eyes when she sees what I’m looking at.

  “Do you wanna talk about it babe?” My face obviously betraying my need to keep quiet. I shake my head and that’s the end of it, she doesn’t press. I give her a kiss and thank her for a genuinely brilliant date night. Even inclusive of my strange encounter with Jaxson. This night has royally rocked! She gives me a big squeeze filled with mutual love.

  We grab some food on the way home and drink plenty of water as soon as we get in. It’s not long after 5am, which I think it pretty respectable considering I was flaking three hours prior. I climb into bed which triggers Jaxson’s suggestive words once again. She’s probably undressing him right now but I’m too tired to even fantasize over him. That climax deserves my full attention so it’ll have to wait for a few days until my period ends.

  Instead my vivid imagination allows her to hitch up her skirt and reveal that ‘she’ is in fact a ‘he’, which earns herself—himself—a sharp exit. As if that somehow rewrites reality. The dregs of alcohol still left in my body find it highly amusing and I snuggle into my pillow, content with my mental little, immature victory.

  Chapter Ten

  Wednesday 25th March 2015

  All day Saturday I kept replaying my time with Jaxson; the confidence I felt when I went toe to toe with him, how attractive he made me feel shortly followed by the realisation that I am ‘unpublished’ by comparison. There’s no point talking the talk if I can’t walk the walk, which I can’t... at least not with somebody like him.

  I avoided 24/7 over the weekend. I had stomach cramps on Saturday but went for a road run and did some floor work at home on Sunday. Then on the evenings I’d got up to date with “Orange is the new black” and started “Mad Men” from season one, another great method of escapism.

  When Wills asked what happened with me and Jaxson I couldn’t go into detail, I felt like a fraud. What was I going to say; I can’t stop obsessing about some guy I had a conversation with? I kept it brief just saying that I found him intimidating so I freaked out and told him I’m a lesbian. She helped me realise I was slipping back into being an overthinking analysing fool, so on Monday morning I decided to woman up and get back on the ‘Fuck It’ ride. I went to the gym for a workout and a boxing class.

  By Tuesday I’d stopped bleeding so had a 6am workout at 24/7. I spent the rest of the day at Next Chapter, which was great to catch up with our customers. I collected a few new books; a magical realism book for Wills, some health and wellness books for me including one specifically about how to live in the moment, which I’d pre-ordered for collection using the website. Finally, a healthy recipes cookbook for the house. We both eat really well and mostly share responsibility, preferring to cook together and eat together when we can. This is something I missed with Mike. Our working schedules always seemed to overlap and it was only really breakfast we’d manage to eat together. In the evening I went back to 24/7 to hit their street dance class, which was brilliant. Such a great vibe, combined with decent music and positive energy. I met some lovely people and exerted excess calories and tension.

  This morning I did a spin class, successfully exorcising those spin class demons because as far as I was concerned in that moment, nothing else existed just me, the bike and that amazing scenery.

  I caught a few glimpses of Jaxson occasionally but avoided eye contact. That didn’t stop me from eyeing him up whenever I could get away with it. His wide shoulders and toned waist create the perfect shaped ‘V’ from behind. I observed the way peo
ple behave around him. With zero effort he simply demands the room. People metaphorically mentally stand when he enters the vicinity. So masterful and intriguing. Nobody instigates a conversation for too long. It’s just straight to the point with him, which I knew already. He takes his time to acknowledge as many members as he can when he’s in the gym, even if it’s just a nod of the head or a thumbs up from a distance. This leads me to believe that he’s probably fully aware of where I am and is purposely avoiding me just as much as I am him.

  I’ve been joining Wills in daily yoga and meditation, which helped me to overcome the bad vibes I felt after Friday night.

  Wills hasn’t got a shift tonight so we’re going out to some bars in the city centre where it’s livelier midweek than anywhere else. I remember Wills saying before that the best way to get over somebody was to get under somebody else. Not that I have to get over Jax, because I’ve not been under him, but something tells me I need to try and shake this guy out of my head before it gets too much.

  We have both gone for dresses tonight. Mine is a high rounded halter neck in raspberry velvet, which clings to my curves, exposes most of my back and drops just above my knees. I love the feel of velvet on my skin and Wills assures me it’s the one. My shoes are black platforms with an ankle strap. I wear my hair down with some chunky curls and slick it back at either side. Wills’ dress is off the shoulder, belted mid-calf length in butterfly fabric, coupled with funky strappy wedges and boho accessories. She looks awesome.

  11:20pm

  We are onto our third bar on the most mainstream stretch of nightlife this far into the city. We’re not going all out on the alcohol, pacing ourselves enough to feel the buzz but not too much too quick.

  We’ve been dancing loads and flirting with a few cute guys.

  Shortly after arriving here, we got chatting to a group of nice guys who were out celebrating some sort of milestone achievement at work. They were all clean cut, smartly dressed in suits and very quick to keep our glasses topped up. A couple more girls joined us and we were having a laugh. One guy in particular, Steve, stood out and we started flirting; which is fast becoming my new pastime.

  We gradually broke away more from the group so that it was just us talking and I was pleasantly surprised. He was self-assured but not arrogant and there wasn’t any awkwardness between us. Steve dished out corny compliments like there was no tomorrow but I appreciated the sentiment. I could tell by the way he kept finding reasons to touch me that he wanted to take this further. After surmising that he was harmless enough being the pen pusher type that I’m used to, I decided that I was ready to take the plunge.

  Even though I wasn’t that sexually inspired by him, he had a nice personality and he certainly didn’t intimidate me like some people. I need to stick to what I think I can handle and I’m pretty certain I can handle an office geek. Thankfully Willow was hitting it off with one of his mates too.

  An hour later, Willow and I have a brief conversation, resulting in deciding that the four of us would go back to Steve’s house as he lives the closest to the bar and we didn’t fancy the idea of taking them back to Wills.

  1:25am

  Steve sat in the front of the taxi and by the time we pulled up at his house I was squashing myself up against the side door to avoid the groping couple beside me. As Wills is getting her neck seen to, I flash my lit up phone screen to her, showing her the Fuck It list with number 5 highlighted, Sex in a car. She just flipped the bird. When we got out the taxi she whispered that I should grab a cucumber out the fridge on the way to the bedroom. I looked at her confused and she wiggled her eyebrows, miming ‘Food sex’, which made me giggle.

  After a half-hearted attempt to play host; offering us drinks and putting some music on, Wills cut to the chase and asked Steve to point her in the direction of his spare bedroom. She disappeared dragging her new friend behind her. “Good luck” I shouted after them and hear Willow reply “Not necessary babe”. I was actually talking to him…

  Steve and I make our way to his bedroom shortly after and I feel a wave of nerves hit me when the bedroom door closes. Shit. It’s just me and Steve, this ‘nice guy’ stranger I met a couple of hours ago… Deep breaths. My first sex post-Mike. It’s like knocking the dust off – literally. Orgasm City, here I come!

  The room smells musty and it reminds me of how I’d imagine a teenage boy’s room to be. Decent furniture but basic and scruffy, maybe he wasn’t expecting to pull tonight so hasn’t made an effort.

  We’ve already kissed in the bar a few times, although he isn’t as good as sexy-guy-number-three from last week. We start kissing again but our hands are less restricted now that we’re not in public. I take off his jacket and tie whilst kissing and undo his shirt buttons. He doesn’t follow suit but maybe he’s not sure how my dress is fastened so doesn’t want to fumble about.

  I make quick work of his belt buckle, button and zip. With some gentle persuasion, his trousers descend. He’s been making sounds of appreciation but he still doesn’t take the lead. With Mike, we were both on a level playing field, neither or us really having to take the lead because after the first year or so there wasn’t much variation to lead. If I’m honest I didn’t expect to have to be stepping up to the plate now but I’ve no choice. The fact that I’m not in the slightest bit intimidated by him means that I’m not second guessing myself though, which is just what I needed.

  Pulling away from his lips, he moves to my neck planting wet kisses up and down whilst I lift my ankles to undo my straps. I kick off my shoes and stand on his trousers that are gathered around his ankles so he can step out of them. Without hesitation I pull him onto the bed and lie down on my back, wanting him to take this as his cue to take the reins—but he doesn’t. Grrr… This is irritating me now. I’m trying to put the ball in his court…

  I can see from his boxer briefs that he is hard and I wish I was as turned on as him. Unfortunately, the only thing wet is the cold saliva he has left all over my neck. Dammit. He removes his cufflinks and puts them on the bedside table. Then slips his open shirt off, folding it—fucking folding it—and draping it over his chest of drawers. He lies down in the middle of the bed next to me and lifts his bottom to remove his briefs, kicking them to the end of the bed. At which point I notice that he still has his black socks on. As irritating as that is, I’m not about to oblige and remove them. What a fucking turn off.

  So I look back as his cock and instantly compare it to the only other one I’ve had inside me. They are pretty evenly matched, a bit more than a fistful but Steve looks thicker. This is actually about to happen. I start to get my head back on track, imagining the feeling of Jaxson pounding into me... What the—? Wait—what? Steve, I mean the feeling of Steve…

  That’s it, it’s ruined. I’ve tainted what could, but probably wouldn’t, end up being great sex with thoughts of Jaxson and his awesome… strong… overpowering body. The feeling of his cheek on my lips, his lips against my ear. Sexyass spine shivers. I’ve slid my hand over the lush velvet material of my dress and rub over breast, back and forth. Stop it, stop it, stop it.

  I blush, feeling guilty and put my hand on his chest, leaning up to kiss him. Instead Steve misconstrues my self-groping.

  “Oh, you like what you see huh? Come on then. Climb aboard Steve’s love train.”

  I think he is joking but his face tells me otherwise. I’m not really sure what to say to that but logistically does this mean he’s not a fan of foreplay either?

  I climb aboard as requested but when he answers my question by reaching for a condom, Miss Sensible—yes, Miss Sensible—takes pity and offers to help me out a little.

  “Not yet Steve.” I take his left hand by his wrist, lean forward and move it between my legs.

  He gets the idea and laughs. “Man, you’re really making me work for this aren’t you?” Is this guy for real? He begins to rub his hand up and down at which point I reach down with my left hand further between my legs. Shocking him, I take a firm
hold of his cock and pull up sharply to the tip a few times. Secretly I’m hoping this will wake up his inner sex God—please say he has one—who’ll take control and rescue me “Oooo yeah, tug it hard baby.” Oooooor maybe not…

  Mike wasn’t a big talker in bed. The idea of somebody telling me how they want to please me or how you’re making them feel is a major turn on for me. Unfortunately ‘tug it hard’ doesn’t qualify for manly dirty talk in my book. Nevermind putting the ball in his court, I want to put his balls in his mouth to shut him the hell up.

  Acknowledging that by some miracle I’m actually wet, possibly through desperation and thoughts of Jaxson. I’m becoming desperate to feel him inside me and hopefully ease these frustrations. Steve finally pulls my thong to one side and slides his forefinger in and it’s a much needed relief but nowhere near enough. I moan, trying to encourage him to give me more but he mistakenly thinks I’m that easily satisfied and starts pushing his finger in and out like he’s persistently ringing somebodies doorbell. I begin to wish he was so whoever it was could answer and come and take over from him.

  Regardless, he matches the rhythm of my hand on his cock and I gyrate my hips pushing down trying to get him to at least go deeper but again he gets it wrong. “Mmm you like that don’t you Bethany, tell me you like it—”