Sons and Lovers

by Дэвид Герберт Лоуренс

  Paul wished he were stupid. “I wish,” he thought to himself, “I was fat like him, and like a dog in the sun. I wish I was a pig and a brewer’s waggoner.”

  Then, the room being at last empty, he would hastily copy an advertisement on a scrap of paper, then another, and slip out in immense relief His mother would scan over his copies. “Yes,” she said, “you may try.”

  William had written out a letter of application, couched in admirable business language, which Paul copied, with variations. The boy’s handwriting was execrable, so that William, who did all things well, got into a fever of impatience.

  The elder brother was becoming quite swanky. In London he found that he could associate with men far above his Bestwood friends in station. Some of the clerks in the office had studied for the law, and were more or less going through a kind of apprenticeship. William always made friends among men wherever he went, he was so jolly. Therefore he was soon visiting and staying in houses of men who, in Bestwood, would have looked down on the unapproachable bank manager, and would merely have called indifferently on the Rector. So he began to fancy himself as a great gun. He was, indeed, rather surprised at the ease with which he became a gentleman.

  His mother was glad, he seemed so pleased. And his lodging in Walthamstow was so dreary. But now there seemed to come a kind of fever into the young man’s letters. He was unsettled by all the change, he did not stand firm on his own feet, but seemed to spin rather giddily on the quick current of the new life. His mother was anxious for him. She could feel him losing himself. He had danced and gone to the theatre, boated on the river, been out with friends; and she knew he sat up afterwards in his cold bedroom grinding away at Latin, because he intended to get on in his office, and in the law as much as he could. He never sent his mother any money now. It was all taken, the little he had, for his own life. And she did not want any, except sometimes, when she was in a tight corner, and when ten shillings would have saved her much worry. She still dreamed of William, and of what he would do, with herself behind him. Never for a minute would she admit to herself how heavy and anxious her heart was because of him.

  Also he talked a good deal now of a girl he had met at a dance, a handsome brunette, quite young, and a lady, after whom the men were running thick and fast.

  “I wonder if you would run, my boy,” his mother wrote to him, “unless you saw all the other men chasing her too. You feel safe enough and vain enough in a crowd. But take care, and see how you feel when you find yourself alone, and in triumph.”

  William resented these things, and continued the chase. He had taken the girl on the river. “If you saw her, mother, you would know how I feel. Tall and elegant, with the clearest of clear, transparent olive complexions, hair as black as jet, and such grey eyes—bright, mocking, like lights on water at night. It is all very well to be a bit satirical till you see her. And she dresses as well as any woman in London. I tell you, your son doesn’t half put his head up when she goes walking down Piccadilly with him.”

  Mrs. Morel wondered, in her heart, if her son did not go walking down Piccadilly with an elegant figure and fine clothes, rather than with a woman who was near to him. But she congratulated him in her doubtful fashion. And, as she stood over the washing-tub, the mother brooded over her son. She saw him saddled with an elegant and expensive wife, earning little money, dragging along and getting draggled in some small, ugly house in a suburb. “But there,” she told herself, “I am very likely a silly—meeting trouble half-way.” Nevertheless, the load of anxiety scarcely ever left her heart, lest William should do the wrong thing by himself.

  Presently, Paul was bidden call upon Thomas Jordan, Manufacturer of Surgical Appliances, at 21, Spaniel Row, Nottingham. Mrs. Morel was all joy.

  “There, you see!” she cried, her eyes shining. “You’ve only written four letters, and the third is answered. You’re lucky, my boy, as I always said you were.”

  Paul looked at the picture of a wooden leg, adorned with elastic stockings and other appliances, that figured on Mr. Jordan’s notepaper, and he felt alarmed. He had not known that elastic stockings existed. And he seemed to feel the business world, with its regulated system of values, and its impersonality, and he dreaded it. It seemed monstrous also that a business could be run on wooden legs.

  Mother and son set off together one Tuesday morning. It was August and blazing hot. Paul walked with something screwed up tight inside him. He would have suffered much physical pain rather than this unreasonable suffering at being exposed to strangers, to be accepted or rejected. Yet he chattered away with his mother. He would never have confessed to her how he suffered over these things, and she only partly guessed. She was gay, like a sweetheart. She stood in front of the ticket-office at Bestwood, and Paul watched her take from her purse the money for the tickets. As he saw her hands in their old black kid gloves getting the silver out of the worn purse, his heart contracted with pain of love of her.

  She was quite excited, and quite gay. He suffered because she would talk aloud in presence of the other travellers.

  “Now look at that silly cow!” she said, “careering round as if it thought it was a circus.”

  “It’s most likely a bottfly,” he said very low.

  “A what?” she asked brightly and unashamed.

  They thought a while. He was sensible all the time of having her opposite him. Suddenly their eyes met, and she smiled to him—a rare, intimate smile, beautiful with brightness and love. Then each looked out of the window.

  The sixteen slow miles of railway journey passed. The mother and son walked down Station Street, feeling the excitement of lovers having an adventure together. In Carrington Street they stopped to hang over the parapet and look at the barges on the canal below.

  “It’s just like Venice,” he said, seeing the sunshine on the water that lay between high factory walls.

  “Perhaps,” she answered, smiling.

  They enjoyed the shops immensely.

  “Now you see that blouse,” she would say, “wouldn’t that just suit our Annie? And for one-and-eleven-three. Isn’t that cheap?”

  “And made of needlework as well,” he said.

  “Yes.”

  They had plenty of time, so they did not hurry. The town was strange and delightful to them. But the boy was tied up inside in a knot of apprehension. He dreaded the interview with Thomas Jordan.

  It was nearly eleven o’clock by St. Peter’s Church. They turned up a narrow street that led to the Castle. It was gloomy and old-fashioned, having low dark shops and dark green house doors with brass knockers, and yellow-ochred doorsteps projecting on to the pavement; then another old shop whose small window looked like a cunning, half-shut eye. Mother and son went cautiously, looking everywhere for “Thomas Jordan and Son.” It was like hunting in some wild place. They were on tiptoe of excitement.

  Suddenly they spied a big, dark archway, in which were names of various firms, Thomas Jordan among them.

  “Here it is!” said Mrs. Morel. “But now where is it?”

  They looked round. On one side was a queer, dark, cardboard factory, on the other a Commercial Hotel.

  “It’s up the entry,” said Paul.

  And they ventured under the archway, as into the jaws of the dragon. They emerged into a wide yard, like a well, with buildings all round. It was littered with straw and boxes, and cardboard. The sunshine actually caught one crate whose straw was streaming on to the yard like gold. But elsewhere the place was like a pit. There were several doors, and two flights of steps. Straight in front, on a dirty glass door at the top of a staircase, loomed the ominous words “Thomas Jordan and Son—Surgical Appliances.” Mrs. Morel went first, her son followed her. Charles I mounted his scaffold with a lighter heart than had Paul Morel as he followed his mother up the dirty steps to the dirty door.2

  She pushed open the door, and stood in pleased surprise. In front of her was a big warehouse, with creamy paper parcels everywhere, and clerks, with their
shirt-sleeves rolled back, were going about in an at-home sort of way. The light was subdued, the glossy cream parcels seemed luminous, the counters were of dark brown wood. All was quiet and very homely. Mrs. Morel took two steps forward, then waited. Paul stood behind her. She had on her Sunday bonnet and a black veil; he wore a boy’s broad white collar and a Norfolk suit.cf

  One of the clerks looked up. He was thin and tall, with a small face. His way of looking was alert. Then he glanced round to the other end of the room, where was a glass office. And then he came forward. He did not say anything, but leaned in a gentle, inquiring fashion towards Mrs. Morel.

  “Can I see Mr. Jordan?” she asked.

  “I’ll fetch him,” answered the young man.

  He went down to the glass office. A red-faced, white-whiskered old man looked up. He reminded Paul of a pomeranian dog. Then the same little man came up the room. He had short legs, was rather stout, and wore an alpaca jacket. So, with one ear up, as it were, he came stoutly and inquiringly down the room.

  “Good-morning!” he said, hesitating before Mrs. Morel, in doubt as to whether she were a customer or not.

  “Good-morning. I came with my son, Paul Morel. You asked him to call this morning.”

  “Come this way,” said Mr. Jordan, in a rather snappy little manner intended to be business-like.

  They followed the manufacturer into a grubby little room, upholstered in black American leather, glossy with the rubbing of many customers. On the table was a pile of trusses, yellow wash-leather hoops tangled together. They looked new and living. Paul sniffed the odour of new wash-leather. He wondered what the things were. By this time he was so much stunned that he only noticed the outside things.

  “Sit down!” said Mr. Jordan, irritably pointing Mrs. Morel to a horse-hair chair. She sat on the edge in an uncertain fashion. Then the little old man fidgeted and found a paper.

  “Did you write this letter?” he snapped, thrusting what Paul recognised as his own notepaper in front of him.

  “Yes,” he answered.

  At that moment he was occupied in two ways: first, in feeling guilty for telling a lie, since William had composed the letter; second, in wondering why his letter seemed so strange and different, in the fat, red hand of the man, from what it had been when it lay on the kitchen table. It was like part of himself, gone astray. He resented the way the man held it.

  “Where did you learn to write?” said the old man crossly.

  Paul merely looked at him shamedly, and did not answer.

  “He is a bad writer,” put in Mrs. Morel apologetically. Then she pushed up her veil. Paul hated her for not being prouder with this common little man, and he loved her face clear of the veil.

  “And you say you know French?” inquired the little man, still sharply.

  “Yes,” said Paul.

  “What school did you go to?”

  “The Board-school.”

  “And did you learn it there?”

  “No—I—” The boy went crimson and got no farther.

  “His godfather gave him lessons,” said Mrs. Morel, half pleading and rather distant.

  Mr. Jordan hesitated. Then, in his irritable manner—he always seemed to keep his hands ready for action—he pulled another sheet of paper from his pocket, unfolded it. The paper made a crackling noise. He handed it to Paul.

  “Read that,” he said.

  It was a note in French, in thin, flimsy foreign handwriting that the boy could not decipher. He stared blankly at the paper.

  “‘Monsieur,’ ” he began; then he looked in great confusion at Mr. Jordan. “It’s the—it’s the—”

  He wanted to say “handwriting,” but his wits would no longer work even sufficiently to supply him with the word. Feeling an utter fool, and hating Mr. Jordan, he turned desperately to the paper again.

  “‘Sir,—Please send me’—er—er—I can’t tell the—er—‘two pairs—gris fil bas—grey thread stockings’—er—er—‘sans—without’ —er—I can’t tell the words—er—’doigts—fingers‘—er—I can’t tell the—”

  He wanted to say “handwriting,” but the word still refused to come. Seeing him stuck, Mr. Jordan snatched the paper from him.

  “‘Please send by return two pairs grey thread stockings without toes.’”

  “Well,” flashed Paul, “‘doigts’ means ‘fingers’—as well—as a rule—”

  The little man looked at him. He did not know whether “doigts” meant “fingers”; he knew that for all his purposes it meant “toes.”

  “Fingers to stockings!” he snapped.

  “Well, it does mean fingers,” the boy persisted.

  He hated the little man, who made such a clod of him. Mr. Jordan looked at the pale, stupid, defiant boy, then at the mother, who sat quiet and with that peculiar shut-off look of the poor who have to depend on the favour of others.

  “And when could he come?” he asked.

  “Well,” said Mrs. Morel, “as soon as you wish. He has finished school now.”

  “He would live in Bestwood?”

  “Yes; but he could be in—at the station—at quarter to eight.”

  “H’m!”

  It ended by Paul’s being engaged as junior spiral clerk at eight shillings a week. The boy did not open his mouth to say another word, after having insisted that “doigts” meant “fingers.” He followed his mother down the stairs. She looked at him with her bright blue eyes full of love and joy.

  “I think you’ll like it,” she said.

  “‘Doigts’ does mean ‘fingers,’ mother, and it was the writing. I couldn’t read the writing.”

  “Never mind, my boy. I’m sure he’ll be all right, and you won’t see much of him. Wasn’t that first young fellow nice? I’m sure you’ll like them.”

  “But wasn’t Mr. Jordan common, mother? Does he own it all?”

  “I suppose he was a workman who has got on,” she said. “You mustn’t mind people so much. They’re not being disagreeable to you—it’s their way. You always think people are meaning things for you. But they don’t.”

  It was very sunny. Over the big desolate space of the marketplace the blue sky shimmered, and the granite cobbles of the paving glistened. Shops down the Long Row were deep in obscurity, and the shadow was full of colour. Just where the horse trams trundled across the market was a row of fruit stalls, with fruit blazing in the sun—apples and piles of reddish oranges, small greengage plums and bananas. There was a warm scent of fruit as mother and son passed. Gradually his feeling of ignominy and of rage sank.

  “Where should we go for dinner?” asked the mother.

  It was felt to be a reckless extravagance. Paul had only been in an eating-house once or twice in his life, and then only to have a cup of tea and a bun. Most of the people of Bestwood considered that tea and bread-and-butter, and perhaps potted beef, was all they could afford to eat in Nottingham. Real cooked dinner was considered great extravagance. Paul felt rather guilty.

  They found a place that looked quite cheap. But when Mrs. Morel scanned the bill of fare, her heart was heavy, things were so dear. So she ordered kidney-pies and potatoes as the cheapest available dish.

  “We oughtn’t to have come here, mother,” said Paul.

  “Never mind,” she said. “We won’t come again.”

  She insisted on his having a small currant tart, because he liked sweets.

  “I don’t want it, mother,” he pleaded.

  “Yes,” she insisted; “you’ll have it.”

  And she looked round for the waitress. But the waitress was busy, and Mrs. Morel did not like to bother her then. So the mother and son waited for the girl’s pleasure, whilst she flirted among the men.

  “Brazen hussy!” said Mrs. Morel to Paul. “Look now, she’s taking that man his pudding, and he came-long after us.”

  “It doesn’t matter, mother,” said Paul.

  Mrs. Morel was angry. But she was too poor, and her orders were too meagre, so that she had
not the courage to insist on her rights just then. They waited and waited.

  “Should we go, mother?” he said.

  Then Mrs. Morel stood up. The girl was passing near.

  “Will you bring one currant tart?” said Mrs. Morel clearly.

  The girl looked round insolently.

  “Directly,” she said.

  “We have waited quite long enough,” said Mrs. Morel.

  In a moment the girl came back with the tart. Mrs. Morel asked coldly for the bill. Paul wanted to sink through the floor. He marvelled at his mother’s hardness. He knew that only years of battling had taught her to insist even so little on her rights. She shrank as much as he.

  “It’s the last time I go there for anything!” she declared, when they were outside the place, thankful to be clear.

  “We’ll go,” she said, “and look at Keep’s and Boot’s,cg and one or two places, shall we?”

  They had discussions over the pictures, and Mrs. Morel wanted to buy him a little sable brushch that he hankered after. But this indulgence he refused. He stood in front of milliners’ shops and drapers’ shops almost bored, but content for her to be interested. They wandered on.

  “Now, just look at those black grapes!” she said. “They make your mouth water. I’ve wanted some of those for years, but I s’ll have to wait a bit before I get them.”

  Then she rejoiced in the florists, standing in the doorway sniffing.

  “Oh! oh! Isn’t it simply lovely!”

  Paul saw, in the darkness of the shop, an elegant young lady in black peering over the counter curiously.

  “They’re looking at you,” he said, trying to draw his mother away.

  “But what is it?” she exclaimed, refusing to be moved.

  “Stocks!” he answered, sniffing hastily. “Look, there’s a tubful.”

  “So there is—red and white. But really, I never knew stocks to smell like it!” And, to his great relief, she moved out of the doorway, but only to stand in front of the window.