by Susan Berran
This exciting series is about a boy just like you! What makes Sam just a little bit different sometimes, is that he escapes his mum and baby sister on the sort of escapades you have only dreamt of! Don’t you wish you could escape too at times? Well, when you join Sam on his amazing adventures, you’ll be there right alongside him. What are you waiting for? Join Sam on the adventure of a lifetime! Just make sure that you’re as brave and daring as he is, before you turn the first page…
Toe Jamm’d
Published by JoJo Publishing
‘Yarra’s Edge’
2203/80 Lorimer Street
Docklands VIC 3008
Australia
Email: jo-media@bigpond net.au
or visit www.jojopublishing.com
© 2010 JoJo Publishing
First edition published 2009
This edition published 2012
Text Copyright © Susan Berran 2010
Illustrations Copyright © Susan Berran 2010
www.susanberran.com
No part of this printed or video publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electrical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the publisher and copyright owner.
National Library of Australia
Cataloguing-in-Publication data
Berran, Susan, 1962-
Toe jamm’d / author and illustrator Susan Berran.
Edition: ePub
ISBN: 978-0-9872959-2-7 (ePub.)
For primary school age.
A823.4
Designer: Adam Laszczuk - Madacin Creative
Editor: Susan Cutsforth
Love you …
I love you mama.
(Mel typed this here when I started this book.)
To Marie
who read my 1st book, SPLINTERZ,
& laughed at just the right time.
Thank you
Toe-jam … yum …
Damn, I can’t reach it!
Don’t you just hate that?
You’re sitting on the edge of your bed in nothing but your undies. And all you want to do is use your finger to dig between your toes and drag out the FLUFF, sweat and SLUG-SLIME that’s all chunked together like a huge blob of festering, mouldy, smelly mud. Be careful though; remove it from its home and it just might not be too happy about the move …
Don’t believe me?
Fine, don’t read another page . . . go on, nick off!
Changed your mind?!
Then read on!
Me and my best mate, Jared, had been hanging out all summer. We did everything together, we always had, right from the time he’d moved here with his family. We’d both come from the city where there was always heaps to do. So it took a lot of getting used to, doing a whole lot of nothing, being stuck way out here in the sticks.
For ages Mum had tried to tell me how great the countryside would be.
“You can go on picnics, hikes,” blah blah blah … “All that clean fresh air.” Yeah right! It was all she ever talked about.
‘Oh yes please Mummy,’ I thought. ‘Oh do give us a cheese and vegemite sandwich wrapped in a pretty pink chequered napkin. And we shall skip along the road holding hands and singing Twinkle Twinkle as we blow kisses to each other.’
I think I’m now going to throw up from just thinking about it!
If Jared hadn’t turned up when he did, I think I would have gone completely and utterly CRAZY.
The only other kids around here have lived in this dust bowl all their lives. So they’re always out cow riding, shearing horses and milking sheep or whatever it is they do around here. But me and Jared do our own thing. We usually go skateboarding or work on our totally awesome and cool gadgets. And all last summer we did just that.
We made this wicked skateboard park that had everything. It started at the old hay shed out in the back paddock of Jared’s place. There were old tractors and machines from the days of cavemen. I reckon they’re even older than my Gran; and she’s really old, almost turning to dust old. If she took off her clothes with a fan on, she’d almost certainly just disappear into thin air.
Oh great, I wish I hadn’t thought of that. Now I can’t get that picture of Gran out of my head … oohh, yuk!
Anyway, the shed had all this old stuff in it when a huge storm hit a couple of years ago. The walls stayed standing but just about all the roof collapsed onto the junk. Luckily one edge of the roof was still attached along the top of a wall. So now we had this massively awesome skate ramp. It was brilliant,
… it was incredible,
… it was AWESOME,
… it was REALLY DANGEROUS!
So of course we just had to do it!
We tossed one end of a rope up and over the top beam where the wall met the roof. When it dropped back down, we tied a plank to it to sit on; easy. Then we just had to pull the rope and we’d be able to haul ourselves up. Once that was sorted, we got a few twisted roof sheets that had blown off and a couple of hay bales to form another smaller ramp at the bottom.
It looked totally awesome.
After a couple of weeks sweating our butts off, it was ready to go. The most incredibly wicked skate ramp in the known universe.
Better than the council one in town … better than the city one for state competitions that I went to last year … and waayyy better than the one at the back of Toffee Thomas’ place. It’s just a pile of dirt that his dad shoved there.
We chose a day for me to go over to Jared’s place when his mum would be in town. That was about forty minutes away, perfect. Then we waited until his brothers were busy playing some lame TV game. As soon as they started playing, we snuck off across the creek and out to the back paddock, just out of sight of the house.
It was harder than we thought, hauling ourselves up to the top of the shed. Jared went first. He thinks he’s stronger than me but I could whip his butt anytime. Next, he sent the plank back down for me to tie our boards to, and up they went. When Jared finally sent the plank down for me, I didn’t even get to sit on it before he started yelling at me to hurry up and get up there. I didn’t want him to know that I was actually a bit nervous about heights so I just shut up and kept going. By the time I was halfway up, my arms were aching like crazy, so I had to stop for a second.
“Get up here, ya girl!” Jared suddenly yelled, poking his head over the side.
“Yeah yeah, keep ya bra on!” I spat back.
Finally, with my arms about to drop off, I reached the top. And as my face rose above the top edge of the wall, where Jared was already sitting, the wind hit me. It hit me like a CHARGING elephant with diarrhoea heading for the loos and almost knocked me right off the plank. I looked out across the horizon and then down to where the other end of the roof was touching the ground …
‘oh … crap!!’
Talk about sweat! I was a raging waterfall under my T-shirt.
We sat on the top for what seemed like hours, not saying a word, just staring off into the distance. Suddenly Jared leapt up as if he’d been stung by a bee on the butt.
“Well … I’m off,” he said.
And that was that!
Without another word, he hooked the back wheels of his skateboard over the edge of the wall, stood up and placed one foot on the front of the board. Then as he raised his back foot, the rear of the skateboard lifted … WHOOOSHHH!!!
He flew down the roof like someone had just lit a rocket that he’d been hiding up his backside.
Down the roof … building speed, FASTER and FASTER. The hair on his head was barely hanging on. Each curl stretched out into a long, red streamer. His clothes began to tear away from his body, forming great billowing sails along his
back. The wind filled his cheeks, puffing them out like a couple of beach balls. His lips looked like slimy-red Play-Doh, flapping about and slapping him all over the face.
This was going to be great!
He was going to fly off the bottom of the ramp at warp speed ten,
… shoot across the ground,
… race up the hay-pile ramp,
… sail through the air, and land gently and safely on … on … oh oh, I knew we forgot something.
Jared! STOP!!
It was like watching some great world catastrophic event unfolding in front of my very eyes, and there was nothing I could do to prevent it.
Jared ZOOMED down the roof,
… sailed across the ground,
… raced up the pile,
… soared through the air,
and slammed straight into the most massive tree I’ve ever seen in my entire life. WHAMM!!
Then he crumbled to the ground like a cheap soggy tissue soaked by the snottiest nose on earth …
SPLATT!!
We were both grounded until camels grow a third hump.
But worst of all, Jared’s mum got one of the farmers to bulldoze our shed while he was still in hospital.
Eighty-three stitches, two steel pins and a couple of false teeth later, Jared came home with some of the most awesome, wicked Scars ever … the lucky bugga!
I spent the rest of that summer doing any crappy job that Mum could dream up for me; pulling weeds, cleaning the gutters, washing my little sister’s nappies …
… and any other dirty sweaty job that Mum could think of.
Jared’s punishment was sitting around in bed all day eating ice-cream and having his pillows fluffed. Every time his mum started on about how he could’ve died, blah blah blah, he just moaned a little louder and faked another tear-drop. Straight away his mum would be running to get more ice-cream for him.
What an actor … he’s brilliant.
But while he enjoyed his PUNISHMENT, I sweated so much that I reckon I could’ve filled a pool and swam in it.
‘Mmmmm, salty.’
Maybe I should have showered a bit more. You know, a quick rinse every couple of days. But I did have a few dips in the half-empty dam where the cows hang out. I always left my shoes and socks on the top edge though. That way Mum wouldn’t bug me to clean my shoes before coming into the house, smart huh!? Each time I walked down to the dam, the fresh cow pats squelched and squeezed up through my toes like squishy brown Play-Doh.
It’s actually very warm.
The trouble is, that once you’re out of the water, you have to walk back up through the freshest cow pats to retrieve your shoes. I usually run around for a while, until the poop gets crusty and dry enough to just pull my socks on over it.
Make sure it’s really dry though. Once I put my socks on before the dung had set properly. It soaked right into their fibres and then set like concrete to every hair on my leg. I couldn’t ask Mum for help, she’d be all … “That’s disgusting,” and, “You walked in poop, you can get out of poop.” It took me over half an hour to get them off. I had to wedge a ruler down between my leg and the solid sock. Then I sawed up and down all the way around my crusty leg. It was just like taking off a pair of gumboots except that the inside was stuck like glue to every single little hair on both of my legs. As I carefully levered off each sock, the hairs were slowly being ripped out, one by painful one.
I was being plucked by a sock.
By the time I’d managed to remove both socks, it looked like I’d shaved my legs with a jagged piece of glass. Droplets of fresh RED BLOOD slowly wound their way down my legs … my pink, raw legs. The only bright side was that between the cow pats, the dirt, the slugs and plenty of sweat, I’d built up quite a good wad of toe-jam.
I even had to wear bigger shoes.
It had taken all summer to build up. My feet were more like flippers. But now it was time to dig out the prize-winning wad. I guess I could just soak my feet for a few hours in a bucket, but where’s the fun in that? Or I could have a decent bath … Nah! Digging is definitely the way to go. That way you can get up nice and close to really smell and study what you’ve created.
I waited until bed time when Mum gave the usual, “Your turn for the dishes,” … so what else is new? “Hurry up and do your homework and teeth. And don’t forget to shower!” she shrieked.
Well, I reckon three out of four should be enough.
So in the middle of doing the dishes, I splashed a bit of water around my face and shoved some soap suds under my armpits and down into my pants … the trick is to get done before the water gets too greasy.
“Night Mum,” I yelled out from the kitchen as I took off into my room. Ok, homework … I’ll do it in the morning, maybe. Teeth … I stretched up the hem of my T-shirt and wrapped it around a finger. Then I stuck it into my mouth and gave a quick wipe along the top and bottom row, done!
Footsteps … Mum’s coming!
I ripped off my T-shirt, tossed it into the corner and dived under the bed covers. “Lights out!”
“Yeah,” I replied, flicking off the switch and being plunged into darkness.
I waited and waited … then, there it was, the sound of Mum’s favourite TV show starting.
Crackle … she opens the bag of chips, Ffsssssss … that’s the can of drink, and up goes the volume.
Torch, on!
Sitting on the edge of my bed wearing nothing but undies, I rested the torch on my pillow. Taking careful aim, I shone the light beam right between my toes. Then pulling my knee up to my chin and grabbing hold of one toe with each hand, I yanked the first two apart … crack!
Bits of fluffy dung were flung and flicked into the air right across the room. Flipper, my gold fish, started head-butting the sides of his bowl as the water turned a sewage-brown from bits of toe-jam landing in it. With my middle finger, I dug out the first HUGE dob of toe-jam and wiped it onto the bed sheets beside me. WOW, there was heaps, excellent! I moved along my foot, digging buckets of CRUD from between my toes. Occasionally I stopped to hold up a finger loaded with the toe-jam close to my face … turning it … studying it … smelling it. I was trying to see just how much of the crud was animal hair, carpet fluff, slug-slime, or just mould. Most of it seemed to be just good old green festering great quality mould. Cool! It was even better quality than I’d hoped for. Some of it was really stuck though. I had to use the handle of Miss Melly Prissy Pant’s toothbrush to push it out. Then the bristle end to really get into all the wrinkles and get every last little bit that I could.
By the time both feet were done, I had a blob of toe-jam the size of my fist. I couldn’t wait to tell Jared at school, he’d be so jealous.
Holding up the clump of toe-jam, I patted it gently. This would be the best show and tell at school, ever!
So into the shoe box it went.
I lay down and flicked off the torch. But how could I sleep now? I kept imagining show and tell at school. The girls would be screaming in HORROR, “Eeeewwwww … boys are so disgusting.” Some might faint, if I’m lucky. And for the ultimate top marks, hopefully one or two might even hurl.
It was going to be great.
I tossed and turned for ages trying to get to sleep.
Damn … there was an annoying itch right inside my ear. I shoved my little finger as far as I could down there and gave it a little twist … THOOP!!
Using the torch, I could see a nice size glob of ear wax sitting on the end of my pinkie. It was sort of greeny-yellowy and the ideal addition to my blob of toe-jam. As I scraped it onto the top, I decided I may as well check the other ear … THOOP!! Out came another even bigger ball of wax.
This had to be the world’s champion of toe-jam balls, topped off with a crown of shiny, thick, ear wax.
It felt like hours trying to get to sleep because I was so HAPPY and EXCITED. And all through that night I had the most absolutely wonderful dreams.
There I was, holding a huge golden cup above
my head. And poking out from the cup was my ball of toe-jam. Mum and the teachers were cheering, bands played, everyone was applauding and it was raining streamers and balloons.
Jared was bawling his eyes out and holding a crappy green third place ribbon stuck to a ball of toe-jam about the size of a marble. Best of all, the girls were screaming and chucking their guts up and then fainting. People were fighting each other to get a closer look at my incredibly spectacular FUZZY BALL.
My toe-jam was the size of a bowling ball and getting bigger and bigger by the minute. Trophies surrounded me:
It didn’t get any better than this.
I was so happy.
I woke up the next morning in a bath of sweat, feeling like I’d run a twenty-kilometre marathon dressed in an oven. Chucking on my school uniform for the last day before the holidays started, I dashed out to the kitchen, grabbed some toast and FLEW out the door.
Oh NO! My toe-jam, I forgot it! Racing back into my room, I snatched up the shoe box, shoved it up my shirt front and headed out the door to school.
“Jared, check this out,” I said with a huge grin as I caught up to him on my bike and handed over the box.
Jared looked over at me sarcastically … “ So? ”
“Look in the box, drop-kick,” I said.
“I did, so what?”
“It’s only the world’s biggest toe-jam ball topped with ear wax, that’s all,” I replied annoyingly. I couldn’t believe he wasn’t totally jealous and gasping in awe. “There’s nothing in there you idiot,” he said as he tossed the box back at me. “What!!”
I hit the brakes HARD and just about flew headfirst over the handle bars. Dirt and gravel sprayed up from the tyres, hitting Jared like hundreds of tiny darts.
My toe-jam ball! Where was it?
The rest of the day at school I was totally annoyed. I couldn’t concentrate or sleep; which I quite often did, especially during maths. I couldn’t believe it, where could it have gone?
