by Susan Berran
I spent the rest of the day trying to convince Jared that I really did have the world’s biggest toe-jam ball. Then, like a lightning bolt it HIT me. Mum … it had to be, there was no one else that could have taken it. She must have come into my room at some time through the night and discovered my toe-jam ball.
Typical! Just like a mother. Sneaking into your one private area. The only place where you can keep spare pizza in your undies’ drawer for those emergency midnight snacks. The only place you can sniff your undies and socks to see how many times you’ve worn them before shoving them back into the drawer to hide the pizza.
She’d probably have thrown my toe-jam ball into the bin by now. How could she!? After all, it was my toe-jam, not hers. Whatever happened to a little privacy?
I was so ANGRY, that when school was over that afternoon, I leapt onto my bike and ZOOMED off. Sprinting all the way home.
Without even waiting for Jared.
Skidding in the dirt, I half-fell and half-threw my bike down at the front door. The handlebar twisted and smashed to the ground. I stomped up the steps and slammed open the front door, flinging my backpack to the floor, all in one angry movement. I stomped up the hallway with gritted teeth. The anger that had been building all day was ready to flow forth, erupting and vomiting out all over Mum.
There she was, just sitting in the lounge room, the toe-jam WRECKER! With that innocent smile that only a mum can give. “Mum!!” I began, as I thrust forward my empty shoe box …
“Where’s my toe-jam!?” And then for the second time in one day, a great bolt of lightning hit me. The look on Mum’s face said it all. She had absolutely no idea what the heck I was talking about. And now I’d fallen into the DEADLIEST TRAP in the world … truth or dare! Could I tell Mum I’d been sweating a river and walking in fresh cow dung all summer to build up the world’s largest toe-jam ball? Or dare to see if I could get away with a teeny-weeny-tinsy-ween-sy-tiny fib? Of course I knew she would be sooo proud of me for the glorious world-record-breaking toe-jam ball that I’d created, not!! So there was no decision to make. The lie just oozed out of my mouth as if controlled by some brain-sucking alien.
“Where’s my ‘toe-jam’ sandwich?” I said with a shaky voice. “You said I could have a ‘toe-sted’ jam sandwich for lunch today. Where’d it go?” I continued to splutter out nervously.
Looking straight at me in complete and understandable confusion, Mum replied, “What are you talking about?”
“You know, toe-jam – toasted jam sandwich … for the last day of school. I told you last week. We’re doing this health thing about, you know, jam and stuff, with the other thing, toast. I told you about it, you know … everyone’s doing it.”
Mum looked at me blankly for a second and then …
ring ring, ring ring …
I leapt across the room in a single bound. I’ve never grabbed the phone as fast as I did right then.
“Mum, it’s for you,” I said with a massive sigh of relief.
For the first time ever, I think I now believe in ghosts, or spirits, or something. I’d been saved from the motherly nagging jaws of certain DEATH, by a phone call. But I sure didn’t want to risk being around when Mum got off the phone. So now was definitely the right time to perform a disappearing act into my room.
I didn’t want to waste any more time. So I tore off my school uniform and chucked on some shorts. Then I started searching my room. If Mum hadn’t taken it, then it had to be in there somewhere. I know my room looks like an atomic blast has just exploded in the middle of a junk-yard, but still. How could such a magnificent ball of toe-jam and ear wax just jump up out of a shoe box and run away?
I was so peeved! I searched all afternoon and found nothing! Well not exactly nothing. I did find a peanut butter sandwich that I’d started a couple of weeks ago … and a dead mouse. I think he ate the sandwich. But I thought it still tasted fine, a little dry maybe, but still fine.
Anyway my toe-jam was gone, what a waste. Jared even called on the walkie-talkie to see if I wanted to come over and start work with him on a new bike ramp. It was going to be even bigger and better than the skate ramp that we’d made before. But I had to find my toe-jam otherwise no one would believe me ever again.
It was no use and I was out of time. “Dishes, homework, teeth … and don’t forget your shower before bed!” Mum was barking out as usual.
It was too late.
Sitting on the edge of my bed in just undies, I kicked off my shoes and peeled off my socks.
What the … am I going crazy? My toes were PACKED with toe-jam! I couldn’t believe it.
I grabbed a sock and wiped away the goop from my eyes. It was still in there! How? WHEN? Naahhh! I must have dreamt that I’d made my toe-jam ball the day before. That was it! It had to be … it was the only logical explanation.
“Lights out!”
“Yeah, yeah keep your teeth in your head Mum.”
I lay back and pulled up the covers, waiting for the sound of footsteps. There it was, the double-checking Mum, off to get some munchies and then back to the lounge in time for her ‘soapie’. I waited for the tell-tale sound of music telling me her show had started, so I knew it was safe to go. But while I waited, I couldn’t help thinking, had it all been some wonderful dream, to have the world’s largest toe-jam ball. The music started.
Torch on!
There it was, just as beautiful as I’d dreamt. The FLUFF, the moist sweaty DUNG, the ear wax … ear wax, but how? I checked my ears, they were wax-less. The usual dirt sure, but the wax was definitely already mixed in with the toe-jam and not in my ears where it belonged. I figured that I was just overtired. Anyway, balancing the torch on the pillow, I went to work pulling apart two toes at a time. Oouch!
A dry bit of toe-jam flicked up into my eye. It stung like crazy until I managed to wipe it away with my stiff, smelly sock. And that reminded me … I looked over to Flipper. SPOOKY! In the bottom of his bowl were a few big lumps of fluffy, MOULDY, toe-jam … weird. I didn’t want to think about it any more. I just dug away between the rest of my toes until I had my nice huge dob of toe-jam. Holding it up in front of the torch, I examined it carefully. Nothing unusual, it’s just toe-jam. I rolled it gently between my hands, forming a nice, furry, round ball. Then very carefully I placed it into the shoe box and turned off the torch. I was exhausted, I really needed to sleep.
That night, I dreamt again about my wonderful toe-jam. We were in this fantastic parade. There were streamers and balloons falling from the sky. Clowns were performing. Great columns of people were marching along and brightly coloured bands were playing music. We were sitting on top of the back seat in one of those cars without a roof, waving to the enormous crowds that had lined the streets. Me with my ball of toe-jam, sitting right there beside me. Mum was in the crowd, crying and waving. Jared was running behind the car, waving around his tatty, green, third place ribbon and still bawling his eyes out. Girls were screaming and fainting everywhere. And up in front was a huge banner hanging across the road:
Even my toe-jam ball was waving to the crowd and growing bigger and bigger. Suddenly he wasn’t a nice round ball of fluffy toe-jam any more.
Dark storm clouds were gathering overhead. The music was replaced with loud screaming as the band dropped their instruments to the ground. They trampled all over them and each other in their desperate hurry to flee. Mum suddenly looked SCARED and HORRIFIED. Jared was running in the other direction, away from the car, just like the rest of the crowd. There was total chaos all around me. The banner fell from above, landing across the hood of the car. I didn’t know what was happening. I looked across to the toe-jam … it wasn’t just HUGE any more, it was absolutely humongous! And it wasn’t smiling and waving to everyone any more. Gigantic teeth with green, dripping drool were growling and snarling at everyone. It was like my toe-jam had gone totally wild, completely ferocious and definitely crazy. But not at me, surely not at me? I was its creator, it wouldn’t hurt me … would
it? Then in an instant, it turned towards me, glaring straight into my eyes.
Its mouth widened into a huge snarl. Green, hairy, mouldy teeth with slime dripping from them were coming closer and closer, suddenly it leapt at me … BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!!!
I slammed my hand into the alarm clock and sent it crashing to the floor.
What a NIGHTMARE! I woke up sweating like the armpit of a hippie crossing the desert in the middle of summer.
Reaching across and taking the shoe box from the table, I felt more than a little nervous. Of course I knew it was in there, where else would it be? There was no need to look inside. Well maybe just a quick peek. Lifting the lid just a crack, I put my eye against the box …
Nooo!! It wasn’t in there!
I threw back the bed cover, grabbed my leg and pulled it up towards me … Aaaaahhh!!
It was back!!
There it was, right between my toes. Moister, smellier, FLUFFier and even bigger than before. I panicked, I didn’t know what to do … Jared!
Grabbing the walkie-talkie, I called Jared straight away.
“Get over here … now!! ” I screamed. He was still in bed but he could tell by the urgency in my voice that I meant business.
I slipped on a pair of socks so the shock wouldn’t be too much for him. He’s a big wuss when it comes to ‘yucky’ things. Like when we were building our skate park. We were piling the hay when a rat ran up his trouser leg and started chewing on his undies. He screamed like a girl whose just found her first zit. His arms and legs were flipping about everywhere, like an octopus trying to dance on ice wearing roller-skates. Anyway by the time he got to my place, I was totally freaking out.
“What’s going on?” he said, looking more confused than usual. Jared then sat on my bed in silence as I replayed the last few days’ events in every detail. Right up until the moment I’d called him. His face showed no emotion as he listened intently to my every word. When I finished he sat motionless for a moment, as if in a trance or something. Then, without a word, he suddenly threw himself backwards onto the bed and broke into fits of laughter, like some loony hyena on pep pills.
“Good one Sam,” was all he managed to splutter out as he held onto his sides and continued to roll about uncontrollably.
Calmly I sat down on the bed beside him … “Ok,” I said pulling my knees up and resting my feet on the cover … “I tried to tell ya.” And with that I yanked off my socks. As Jared began to wipe away the tears of laughter from his eyes, he caught a blurry glimpse of my feet …
Aaaahhhh!!!
He leapt back so suddenly that he fell straight off the other side of the bed … THUMP!! … landing on the floor, flat on his back with only his feet poking up.
And he wasn’t laughing any more.
A few seconds later he peeked up over the edge of the bed cover. But only just enough to sneak another look at my feet. “Wow!! ” was all he kept saying. And he definitely looked green and pale. So I thought I better leave the joy of smelling them until later.
He eventually pulled himself together. “S-s-so what d-d-do you want me t-t-to do?” he said with a nervous stutter. “Help me get rid of it of course,” I said. Boy, sometimes Jared could be thicker than a stale loaf of bread buried in concrete.
I went and ‘borrowed’ Smelly Melly’s toothbrush and Mum’s eyebrow tweezers for the job. Then we both sat down on the bed, face to face and worked out our plan of attack. Jared thought it would be as simple as picking a runny nose; but he was wrong as usual, very wrong.
Holding my first two toes apart, Jared dug in with Mum’s tweezers. But it just seemed to moosh in further. Then he tried scrubbing it out using the toothbrush. But that just seemed to push it about. Finally he managed to scrape a whole heap out using his own long, thin, bony fingers. His fingernails were like little BULLDOZERS and actually worked pretty well. He had chunks of my toe-jam under just about every fingernail on his hands by the time we’d finished. It seemed to take hours. It was like the toe-jam didn’t want to come out. It seemed to be almost … hanging on somehow. But finally with one foot done and clear, I placed it down onto the floor. Then I pulled up the other foot to go through the same process. Jared stuck his finger between my toes . . . ouchh!!
He shoved that toe-jammed finger straight into his mouth and started sucking it like a baby as he just about fell off the bed again.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“It bit me!”
“Don’t be an idiot Jared, it’s toe-jam.”
“I’m not kidding!” he said, sounding more than a bit spooked.
“It’s probably a bit of hay in the cow manure. You know, like a splinter,” I said. We both decided it was probably easier to try the tweezers again anyway. So Jared tried grabbing it with them again, but the toe-jam just wouldn’t budge. It just kept mooshing up and moving around. We had another go at scrubbing it out with Miss Prissy Pants Smelly Melly’s toothbrush but it wouldn’t even flake.
“I don’t get it. Your other foot wasn’t that bad,” said Jared, now starting to sound very nervous.
We figured it just had to be really good quality sweat and cow dung in there. And probably the easiest way to shift it would be to get a bucket of water and soak it out. I slipped on a sock and then lifted the other foot off the floor to put that sock on when … ooohhh crap!
Crap was right. My toe-jam was back!! The foot we’d already cleared was packed solid with toe-jam again. But now it wasn’t just wedged between my toes, I couldn’t move them at all. The moist but crusty toe-jam covered in mouldy green fluff had formed a solid web between all of my toes. I could barely move them at all!
Jared gingerly reached over and touched the
‘new’ toe-jam …
“oww!! It bit me again!”
“Oh bull!” I said nervously, now starting to secretly worry. Maybe if I just used the tweezers to pull off some of the green fluffy stuff on top …
Zzzzap! An electric shock went right up through my arm. Jared was staring at me like I was some sort of experiment for ugly cream or something.
“What?” I asked him, just so he’d close his mouth to stop the dribble flowing down his chin. He said nothing, but his eyes were so wide that I thought they’d just drop right out of their sockets and roll about on the floor like two little ping-pong balls. I knew we were both thinking the same thing … there was something desperately wrong with my toe-jam. But neither of us wanted to say it out loud.
I tried to convince myself that maybe the zap was static electricity and Jared was on the same track.
We looked at each other. And without a word uttered between us, we both stretched out a finger as if they were some sort of long poisonous poker heading gingerly towards my toes. Closer and closer, slowly we edged ever nearer to the toe-jam. Then with less than a millimetrewards before contact …
Zzaaapp!!!
We both jumped higher than a kangaroo being poked in the butt with a lava-tipped javelin.
We were outta there!!
We flew out the bedroom window, our feet barely touching the floor. We didn’t even know where we were going but we went. I reckon we rode around for an hour before we even looked at each other. And even then it was only a quick glance. Then, there in the distance, was the old shed that had been bulldozed into the ground.
We headed straight for it.
Almost everything had been utterly and completely squashed. The old tractors were now just a tangle of wheels and steel with wire and roofing mashed into them. We dropped the bikes and surveyed the area. We walked all over the piles of wreckage as if we were exploring some distant alien landscape. It was as if by not looking at each other, we wouldn’t have to think about or accept what was happening. “So,what now?” I finally blurted out. Jared lifted his head, turned towards me and opened his mouth. Hopefully to impart some great words of wisdom that would solve this whole dilemma. For the first time since leaving home, I could see tears rolling down his face. His eyes were red and o
bviously swollen from crying.
“We go back to your place,” he said, with his voice cracking as he tried to hold back further tears.
“Are you kidding, no way, why?” Jared took a deep breath and looked me straight in the eyes and said …
“Because you’re only wearing undies and one sock Sam, that’s why!”
And with that, his face exploded into fits of laughter, spraying spit all over me. He grabbed at his sides and began to laugh so hard that the tears started flooding down his cheeks once more. Then he lost his balance and fell to the ground. He rolled about all over the place and laughed uncontrollably, like some mentally deranged hyena.
I think it took a good fifteen minutes or so before Jared finally managed to pull himself together.
I didn’t think it was quite that funny. But we needed to work out a plan of action … fast! The toe-jam was growing. I could barely see my toes at all any more. Heading back home was even scarier than the toe-jam. What if someone saw me? I’d never hear the end of it. So every time we heard a car coming, we’d crash our bikes off the road and straight into the bushes. Then we’d lie there until the sound of the car had disappeared into the distance. And it seemed that every time we got back up, Jared was giggling to himself … again!
Yeah that was helping, NOT!
By the time we got back to my place, it looked like someone had used a potato peeler on me.
Normally we never saw more than two or three cars in a day. But of course there must have been a wedding or a funeral or something on. We’d never seen so many cars. I was covered in cuts and scrapes from head to toe. Only now because of the toe-jam there were no toes to see any more.
We climbed back in through my bedroom window. I didn’t want Mum catching me there, so I carefully explained everything in a detailed note to her.
