My Name Is Not Alexa Pearce

by Kerri McLoone

  After a moment I understand what’s off — everything. The normal sounds I’m used to hearing every day. There is no whirring from the fans in the computers; no buzzing from that one light above the counter that hasn’t been fixed yet; no beep as books are scanned to be checked out, or being returned; no murmur of whispering voices.

  I actually am completely alone in this building. But now I suddenly feel vulnerable and exposed.

  You are a badass chick, and a powerful one to boot, I firmly remind myself. You know how to defend yourself with or without magic. You are not in danger, you are dangerous.

  I nod a few times at my pep talk and begin walking toward the front counter behind which the employee lounge is located. The lights begin to flicker on as I move reassuring me I am in fact the only one here right now.

  I sit down at the small table in the lounge and take out my breakfast. I search through my bag for my phone to send a text to Matt. As I eat, I type out that I’ll be in the basement all morning but if he’s free could we have lunch together at around one. Within seconds of sending it, Matt sends a reply.

  MATT: definitely

  My heartbeat quickens and I smile so wide that some of my food almost falls out of my mouth. I chalk that up to the foreign caffeine in my system rather than the fact that I have no chill.

  I throw my garbage into the pail and write Jeff a note that I am here and already downstairs. I tape it to the monitor of the computer that only he uses. I would typically hang up my jacket and put my bag away, but today I bring both of them with me downstairs.

  I have to use my card two more times just to get into the sub-basement. It’s darker in here than upstairs, less security lighting, plus no windows to let the morning light in. As I step into the room of cubes and the door closes behind me, the motion lights blink to life and the space is illuminated.

  I go straight to CCR1 to set up for the day. I put my bag down on top of the table next to the laptop, pull out Cali’s tablet and my notebook. I tug on the white gloves and go to the shelf to pick up the next book. My hands are on the book ready to lift it when my whole body becomes momentarily immobile.

  Cameras.

  The word suddenly repeats in my head over and over again. My brain flashes back to the conversation I had with Jeff yesterday in this very room. I didn’t think twice about it then but there are security cameras all throughout the library. That’s how Matt and I were able to bring a thumb drive to the police station to assist in identifying the men who attacked Cali.

  Are there cameras down here?! Have I been on video every time I’ve gone into room three?!

  My voice is a panicked screech inside my head. I rip off the gloves and practically lunge toward my bag. I pull out my phone and making sure my lanyard is still around my neck with my ID, I open the door to the first cube and step outside of it.

  I hold my phone up in the air and start to turn slowly in circles. If there is a camera in here, it would appear like I’m searching for a signal. In reality, I’m scanning the corners of the ceiling for a concealed red light, or a tinted glass dome, or an actual camera.

  I’m standing in the center of the room and I don’t see anything on the ceiling or in the corners. I walk down the makeshift hallway to the right of the cubes still holding my phone up to see if there is a camera inside the glass rooms. I don’t see anything that looks like a camera anywhere.

  I recheck the ceiling focusing this time on the air vents and the HVAC ducts that comes off the top of each cube. They are all uniform, no extra or misshapen pieces on the metal casings.

  I scan the entire room again, making sure I absolutely have not missed a camera before I am satisfied. I drop my arms and return to CCR1. I put my phone back in my bag, pull on the gloves again, and pick up the book marked by the piece of paper stuck underneath it.

  I get to work reminding myself that the more I get done before lunch, the more time I’ll have later to do the real work.

  ● 38 ●

  “Hi, babe,” I say as I come up to Matt outside the library near the bike rack. I lean in to give him a kiss on the cheek, but he turns his head so I get his lips instead. I smile before I pull back. His arms come around me and pull me in again for another long, lingering kiss.

  I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to kiss him. Now that I have, I don’t ever want to stop. I feel a stirring in my body and I want more. But I’m not the biggest fan of public displays of affection, so I put my hand on his chest and gently push him back a little.

  “Babe?” he asks.

  I think he’s about to ask me something so I respond with, “Hmm?” When he just looks at me expectantly, I realize he was questioning the use of the term of endearment. “Oh. Is that not okay?”

  “Actually, it’s great,” he says. I let out a small sigh of relief. “What do you want for lunch?”

  “Honestly, I could go for a burger or something. What about you?”

  Matt takes out his phone and starts tapping away. “Well, there are a couple of options close by.”

  He starts to turn his phone toward me but instead quickly spins me around, pulls my back to his front, and extends his arm out so we can both see the screen. It shows a map with a bunch of red pins and one blue one.

  “You are here,” he points at the blue pin. “The red pins are places with burgers nearby. Some are the food trucks up the block, some are sit down restaurants nearby. Any preference?”

  “I want to say food truck, but that seems more like a sit-down-only option.” I point up at the sky which is overcast with the clouds rapidly getting darker. “I’m regretting taking my bike today now.”

  Matt double-clicks the button on his phone and swipes through the open apps until he gets to a weather app.

  “Zero percent chance of rain today, just cloudy. Your bike should be fine,” Matt says. “So, do you want food truck or sit down.”

  “Well, in that case, food truck.”

  “Ah, excellent choice.”

  A couple of the food truck pins are around the block at the Shemanski Park Farmer’s Market. But most are at the Food Truck Village on SW 10th. Matt takes my hand and spins me around again and we start walking toward our chosen lunch place. We head a few blocks straight up 10th. As soon as we pass the Galleria, I can see the brightly colored trucks set up in the parking lot.

  A line is starting to form, so we jog over to the truck. When it’s our turn, I step up to the open side and order the truck’s version of a cheeseburger with avocado and a bag of kettle chips.

  “Ooh, that sounds good,” Matt says next to me. “I’ll have the same, but with fries.”

  I take out my wallet to pay then feel Matt’s hand gently cover my own. He shakes his head at me with a faux stern look on his face.

  “It’s on me,” he says.

  “Are you sure?” I ask. I don’t ever make the assumption that someone will pay for me so I never have the expectation that they will.

  “Yeah,” he says. Then after a moment adds, “Babe.”

  Matt pays for our lunch and shortly after, we find ourselves sitting on a bench under some trees eating our burgers. It’s quiet as we both chow down, the main sound being the rustling of the paper napkins as we grab from the mound between us.

  “How’s the project going?” Matt asks when he has only a few bites left.

  “It’s pretty cool actually,” I say as I wipe my mouth. “So far today I’ve come across The Federalist Papers by Alexander Hamilton and Twenty Thousand Leagues Under The Sea by Jules Verne.”

  “That’s one of my favorite books,” Matt responds. “And I’ve always loved the smell that old books have, you know? It’s like, dust and leather and paper and ink.” He inhales deeply as if he could smell it right now.

  “I know, I completely agree.”

  I finish my lunch at the same time Matt does. He leans back on the bench with his arm draped across the back. I angle myself so that when I lean back too, my back is resting more against him than the bench.


  This is nice, I think. It feels so normal. I’m just a regular twenty-something hanging out with a guy that I really like. A guy I have a date with in a couple days.

  “So about Saturday,” I begin. I can feel Matt tense a little underneath me. I realize I sound like I’m trying to cancel.

  “What do you have planned?” I ask. I turn slightly to look at him and continue, “You know, ‘cause I have to know what I should wear and all.”

  “Oh,” he relaxes with the sound. “Well, it’s a two-parter. So maybe wear something you’d wear to one of Mickey’s classes for part one. And then, I guess, bring something to change into that you’d normally wear when going out? Part two is pretty casual.”

  “Okay, well now I have more questions.”

  “You’ll just have to wait until I pick you up to find out,” he teases.

  “Oh? And what time will that be?”

  He purses his lips and looks up to the right as he calculates how much time each activity will take. “Four-thirty,” he says finally and with conviction.

  “Interesting,” I say.

  He chuckles at me and asks, “What?”

  “Just that I can’t quite figure out exactly what we’ll be doing.”

  “And...?”

  “And,” I pause for a moment then answer truthfully. “I like it. It’ll be a good surprise.”

  For the past five years, I’ve made every decision for myself. From the most significant choices all the way down to the mundane, I’ve never let anyone decide for me — I never could. So any surprise that came my way was never a welcome one.

  It started out of necessity, and remains one: Do I stay in this place or do I move on and keep searching? Do I give up and let Darius win or do I fight him to the end? Do I trust this person or do I stay guarded?

  It’s nice for the first time in a long time to allow someone else to have a say on the small stuff. To relax and trust someone enough to let them take the reins for a bit.

  Matt and I sit quietly for another ten minutes or so. He’s stroking my arm lightly as we sit and people watch. There’s a silence between us, but it’s comfortable. It’s as if the intimacy between us has been around for years rather than for a week.

  I may appear serene on the outside, but my brain is never quiet for long. And it just kicked into overdrive analyzing everything about the man I’m resting against.

  I obviously trust him enough to be beginning a... a what? A relationship with him? But, can I trust him with everything? I keep thinking in my head what I know about him, specifically about his friendship with Cali.

  I’ve made the choice to trust Cali implicitly. I’ve put my faith in her and know she’s someone I can count on. And Cali and Matt have been best friends since they were very young. So, if I can trust her doesn’t that mean I can trust him too?

  And I obviously feel comfortable with him. Each time I’ve kissed him, I’m left wanting something more. I’m sitting here leaning against him, and yeah maybe my mind won’t shut up, but I’m also not itching to get away from him either.

  I let out what I hope sounds like a sigh of contentment, rather than one of slight consternation just before the alarm I set on my phone goes off signaling that our lunch break is almost over.

  “I guess we should get back,” Matt says before I can. “You shouldn’t be late from lunch two days in a row.”

  I nod and stand up first since I’m technically pinning Matt to the bench. I throw our garbage out in one of the many large pails placed throughout the park.

  Matt wastes no time in reaching for hand and intertwining our fingers. We hold onto each other for the entirety of the short walk back to the library.

  Rather than go in through the main entrance, we use my keycard to go in through a locked side door that leads to one of the stairways. From there I can go right down to the basement and Matt can go into the library.

  It’s a secluded spot, so before parting ways to go back to our respective areas, I pin Matt to the wall and kiss him until we are both left completely breathless. My second alarm goes off that it’s really time to get back to work. I groan in frustration and take a step away. But Matt quickly pulls me back to him to kiss me again.

  I finally pull completely away from him. I want to give him one more kiss but I know if I do, I won’t be able to stop. I backpedal until my back touches the door that leads to the basement. Matt watches me with a look promising there is more to come. So much more.

  ● 39 ●

  Cali

  She’s sprawled across the covers of the bed, not quite asleep nor fully awake. The bed feels different though, smaller for some reason. Even the pillows and sheets don’t smell like they usually do. There’s a soft touch on her back. A hand rubbing gently up and down as she hears her favorite sound in the world.

  Mickey’s voice slowly worms through the warm fog in Cali’s head. The sound is beckoning her to consciousness, but the heaviness of her eyes pulls her back toward her dreams.

  “Cali... Caaal-lii... Baby…” Her girlfriend’s soft voice sounds so far away that Cali easily starts to fall back into a deep sleep.

  Suddenly a shout of, “Cali!” by Mickey and a loud bark from Milo sounds very close to her head.

  The volume of it startles Cali out of any of her remaining grogginess. She yelps and rolls away from it taking the covers with her. Wrapped in a comforter burrito, she lands on the floor with a thud. Between the front door opening and closing she hears her roommate yell out a, “Thank you!”

  “That was not nice,” Cali grumbles while trying to disentangle herself from the down blanket surrounding her. She feels herself being lifted into the air bridal style, comforter and all. “Ooh, but this is.”

  Mickey sets her back onto the bed and moves the blankets to expose her girlfriend’s face. She moves her face in close to give Cali a kiss but scrunches her nose and quickly pulls away.

  “Jesus, baby,” Mickey says making a face. “What did you eat last night?” Cali still wrapped up, just smirks at her. “Don’t, it’s too easy.”

  Cali raises an eyebrow at that. The brunette just rolls her eyes. Mickey helps the younger woman untangle herself and get out of bed.

  “What were you doing in here anyway?” she asks as Cali heads to the bathroom to brush her teeth. Mickey crosses her arms and leans against the door jam.

  “I couldn’t sleep last night, so I got up I think around three. I saw that Lex’s light was on and it sounded like she was talking to herself.”

  Cali puts some toothpaste on her brush and puts it in her mouth.

  “I knocked on the door and she said come in. She was checking stuff online with my tablet and had a bunch of papers around her.” She bends over the sink to spit and rinse. “She put them away quickly like she didn’t want me to see. Then we started talking, and I must’ve fallen asleep in here.”

  Cali takes two steps to her left and finally gives Mickey a good good morning kiss. She presses into the taller woman and swipes her tongue across Mickey’s lip. She opens her mouth and Cali deepens the kiss. She licks the roof of Mickey’s mouth then rubs her tongue against the older woman’s.

  Mickey pushes her body against Cali’s and maneuvers them so Cali’s back is now flush against the other side of the door jam. As Mickey puts more of her body weight against her girlfriend and their kissing intensifies, she takes Cali’s arms and pins them above her head.

  As her hands hit the woodwork, Cali’s brain flashes to yesterday. The sound of Milo’s aggressive barks and the man’s voice seeps into her brain. Her heartbeat picks up rapidly and not from having the body of her girlfriend so close.

  “Stop,” she says around Mickey’s lips. “Stop, stop.”

  Mickey immediately pulls back and looks in Cali’s eyes. They’re open wide, but with panic not desire. Mickey takes a step back and releases Cali completely. Her breathing is increasing rapidly and she’s starting to hyperventilate.

  “Oh my god, I’m so stupid,” Mickey says
. She doesn’t move or touch Cali but continues talking to her. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking. I’m so sorry. Breathe baby, it’s okay. You’re safe, Cali. Everything’s okay. Breathe with me.”

  Mickey starts taking slow deep breaths. Cali locks eyes with her girlfriend and mimics her breathing pattern. The older woman gradually increases the length of each inhale and exhale.

  Milo who had gone back to lounge in the living room once Cali was up, comes trotting up to the couple now. He stops a few feet away and looks between the women, his head tilted in confusion. He tentatively takes the next few steps toward Cali and lets out a whiney whimper as he gently presses himself against her leg.

  “I’m okay,” Cali says. She pats Milo on the head. “I’m okay, Dog Man.”