Kick, Push

by Jay McLean

  “Clearly, you’re surrounding yourself with either the blind, the stupid, or the pathetic. I’m the pathetic.”

  “Stop it. It’s no big deal. It was just a kiss, right?”

  I shake my head, avoiding eye contact. “That’s the thing, though. I want to kiss you, Becca. You have no idea how much and how often I’ve thought about it and I never ever dreamed that you’d—”

  “Throw myself at you?” she cut in.

  “No. I was going to say give me the chance to.”

  “So what happened just now?” she asks, and a part of me wonders why it seems so out of character for her to be confident in the situation when I’m a mess, but I push it aside because she’s actually talking to me.

  She’s talking and she’s letting me touch her and I’m pretty sure nothing else matters. “I freaked out. Obviously. It’s just I know how fast things can escalate and kissing isn’t just kissing. Kissing leads to touching and touching leads to sex and sex is frightening as fuck for me.”

  “Why?”

  “You’ve met my son, right?”

  She smiles. “Okay. I get it.”

  “That’s what frightening sex leads to. At least in my mind. It’s years of diaper changes and months of potty training and finding peas in underwear and dirt in pillow cases and freaking out over every cough and every sneeze and—”

  She clamps her lips between her teeth, fighting to contain her laugh.

  “You think it’s funny?” I ask, finally facing her. I look at her now, right into her eyes, and raise my eyebrows.

  After placing her hands on my chest, she whispers, “I just really wanted you to kiss me.”

  “And that’s the other thing—why is it always up to the guy—”

  She fists my shirt and pulls me closer, cutting me off. And then she leans up and kisses me. Holy shit, does she kiss me. Properly. Not the shit version of a kiss I attempted. Her mouth covers mine, her wet lips moving across my lips. Just once. And then her tongue repeats the process and, fire truck, I give in to her and her kiss and her hands and her everything. I take everything she gives, returning it as best I can. Time slows, but my pulse doesn’t and when she pulls back slightly—gasping for breath—I take the opportunity to hold her closer and kiss across her jaw, down her neck and to her shoulder. Her hands move to the back of my head, her fingers lacing in my hair and I’ve never ever felt anything sexier in my entire life. “Maybe…” she says through a shaky breath. I jerk back so I can look at her but all I can see is her chest heaving up and down, up and down, and my gaze locks on her cleavage because BOOBS! “Maybe you’re right… about kissing leading to other things. I think maybe we should stop and get out of here.”

  I open my door and get out. She follows. I pull out two boards from the toolbox and drop them by her feet. “You want to practice some more?”

  She nods and steps on the board. I stand behind her, my arms out straight by her sides, like we did the day before. Only this time, she grabs my wrists and places my hands on her hips. She smiles when she tilts her head up and looks at me. I kiss her quickly.

  I can’t not.

  “Now I’m ready,” she says.

  So I kick.

  And I push.

  8

  -Joshua-

  “How the hell did we forget the sand?” I say through a laugh, staring at the empty sandpit and all the toys that go with it.

  “But I wanted to play in my sandpit,” Tommy whines.

  I check the time. “Everything’s closed now, bud. It’s almost bed time for you and you haven’t even had dinner.”

  “But I wanted to play in my sandpit,” he says again.

  “I don’t know what you want me to do, Tommy. All the sand shops are closed.”

  “But I wanted—”

  “I know, buddy. We can get it tomorrow. “

  “But you said I could play today!”

  “I know I said that but—”

  He starts to cry.

  I thump my hand on my forehead.

  Becca pouts.

  “Don’t look at me like that,” I tell her.

  She looks down at Tommy and back up to me and pouts again.

  “What can I do?”

  She steps closer, not touching me, but close enough so I can hear her whisper over his cry. “He’s so sad.”

  “Well—”

  “You did tell him.”

  “You’re not helping me right now.”

  She pouts again and goes to Tommy, squatting down so she can hold him. “But Daddy said,” he cries, and I roll my eyes.

  Becca rubs his back and whispers in his ear. I don’t hear what she says but it doesn’t seem to calm him and now they’re both looking at me with their sad, pleading eyes and stupidly adorable pouts.

  “Fine!” I shout, and point to the sandpit. “Get the buckets and shovels and get back in the truck!”

  I start walking to my apartment.

  “Where you, Daddy?” Tommy shouts.

  “Getting trash bags!”

  When I get back in the truck, Tommy’s already buckled in and Becca’s sitting in the middle of the front seat. “Where are we going?” she asks, trying to hide her smile.

  “The stupid beach.”

  We get McDonalds drive-thru on the way. I never let Tommy have this much crappy food in one day but I have no choice. We eat in the car in the parking lot at the beach. “I like today,” Tommy says.

  I adjust the rear view mirror so I can look at him. He’s shoving fries down his top. Eying Becca sideways, I say, “I like today, too, buddy. It’s a shame Becca was here. She smells.”

  Becca gasps and throws a fry at my head.

  Tommy giggles.

  I throw one over my shoulder at him.

  He laughs harder.

  Then Becca throws a handful at me.

  I pick them up and eat them.

  “You fun today, Daddy!” Tommy says.

  I turn to face him. “What do you mean today? I’m fun every day.”

  He shakes his head. “No you not.” Then he points to Becca. “Becca makes us fun!”

  It takes Becca and I a half hour to fill one trash bag with sand using the toy shovels and buckets and I curse myself for not bringing one of the fifteen actual shovels Chazarae has stored in the garage. Tommy’s too busy rolling around in the sand to help us. “That’s one,” I tell Becca. “Another what? Five or six to go?”

  Becca just smiles.

  I pick up the bag to take it to my truck. It splits at the bottom and the last half hour becomes a waste.

  I groan, but Becca—she cackles with laughter.

  “How is this funny? We just wasted all that time!”

  She shrugs and points around us. Tommy’s ankle deep in the sand, the ocean is still, and the sun is setting, turning the atmosphere an eerie orange. “Look around us and tell me again you’d rather be somewhere else,” she says.

  I watch her closely as she puts one bag inside another and starts to fill it with sand. After glancing at Tommy quickly and seeing that he’s distracted, I squat down next to her. “Tommy’s right, you know? About you making us fun.”

  Her gaze lifts, first to Tommy, then to me. She kisses me quickly and then looks away. “I love today.”

  “Can you watch Tommy for a second? I’m just gonna grab my phone from my truck.”

  She nods.

  I go to my truck, get my phone, and dial Robby’s number.

  “What’s up?” he says in greeting.

  “Hey… is that mini loader at your house?”

  “Yeah, it’s still on the trailer.” He pauses a beat. “Why?”

  “What are you doing right now?”

  I tell Becca not to worry about the sand anymore but don’t tell her why. So when the flood lights and the roar of Robby’s truck appear out of nowhere, Tommy instantly stops what he’s doing (using his shoes to shovel sand down in his pants) and squeals, “Uncle Robby!”

  Both Robby and Kim jump out of the truck, t
heir smiles matching Tommy’s. Tommy flies into Robby’s arms. “I hear your dad’s a goofball and forgot to get you sand for your sandpit,” he says, tickling Tommy’s side.

  “Daddy a poofdoll!” Tommy laughs.

  Becca comes up beside me, her arms full with all the stuff we’d brought to collect the sand. “Who’s this?” Kim says, walking toward us with a face-splitting grin and it already makes me afraid of the shit that’ll come out of her mouth. She stands in front of us, her hand out waiting. “I’m Kim.”

  Becca smiles and motions to her full arms. She nudges my side and I face her. Her eyes are wide, pleading. And for a moment I’m confused. Then it hits me. “This is Becca,” I tell them, forgetting she can’t—or doesn’t like to speak. Or touch. I guess that’s why she’s carrying all that shit. She nudges my side again and jerks her head toward my truck, then lifts her arms slightly.

  I nod. “I’ll give you a hand,” I tell her, pulling my keys out of my pocket.

  “I guess we better start getting this sand for you, huh?” Robby says, but my back’s already turned and I’m walking toward my truck. He adds, “You ever operated a front hoe loader before?”

  “Yes,” says Tommy and Robby laughs.

  Kim says, “Only your dad would go to this extreme to make you happy, Tommy. You’re one lucky little dude.”

  -Becca-

  shame

  ʃeɪm/

  noun

  a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.

  That’s exactly what I feel. Not for me, but for Josh.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper, looking down at my now empty hands while we sit in Josh’s car.

  “You have nothing to be sorry about, Becca.”

  “I embarrassed you.”

  “You did not.”

  “I’m a freak.”

  “What? Why?”

  “You know why… the not talking or touching…”

  “Hey…” He comes closer but I pull away. He sighs, his hands hovering in inch above my leg. His voice lowers to a whisper. “What’s going on?”

  With my gaze still lowered and my voice strained, I tell him, “Maybe this was a bad idea. You and me… doing what we’re doing…”

  He clears his throat and moves further away from me. His reaction doesn’t surprise me. Not even a little. I’d give up on me too. “I don’t really know what to say,” he says, his words drawn out. “Today’s been…” He laughs once. “Today’s been one of the best days I’ve had since I can’t even remember… and that has everything to do with you. If you’re not comfortable with us, you know, getting closer or whatever, then that’s cool. I mean, I’ll be upset, for sure, but I don’t want to stop hanging out with you. I like you, Becca.”

  I gather my courage and look up at him, but he’s already watching me, his eyes fixed on mine. I swallow my nerves. “I like you, too.”

  He’s quick to close in on me, and even quicker to smile. “So what’s the problem?” he says, his hand resting on my leg now.

  And I let him this time. I bite my lip and point out the windshield to the loader dumping sand into the back of a truck while Tommy squeals with excitement. “That. The real and outside world.”

  He shrugs. “Fuck the real world then. We’ll just live in our own.”

  “That’s not possible, Josh.”

  “You think?” He arches an eyebrow and dammit he’s cute. “Watch me make it possible.” He comes closer again, his eyes drifting shut right before his mouth meets mine. He kisses me once, soft but quick. Then he pulls away, his hand rubbing his heart. He huffs out a breath, his cheeks puffing with the force of it.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I think you broke my heart a little bit just now.”

  “Shut up!” I laugh out, leaning into him. He puts his arm around my shoulders while I place my hand on his stomach, feeling his hard muscles beneath it. And because I’m curious, I run a single finger down from his chest.

  Dip.

  Dip.

  Dip.

  His hand covers mine, stopping me from going any lower. “What are you doing?” he murmurs, his voice rough.

  I look up at him. “Playing.”

  He shakes his head, his eyes on my mouth.

  I lick my lips.

  He does the same.

  A tapping on the window interrupts us. Josh winds down the window. “We’re done. I’ll meet you at your house?” Robby asks.

  “Yup!” Josh says, louder than normal.

  Robby’s eyes drop to Josh’s hand on my leg. “I’d take Tommy but his seat’s not in my truck.”

  Josh’s fingers press down on my leg when I try to move away from him. “It’s cool. Can you just um… put him in his seat? I can’t really get out right now.”

  What? I think. But Robby says it out loud. Then after a beat, he laughs. “Oh!”

  Oh what?

  “Sure,” Robby says.

  What’s funny?

  As soon as Robby’s gone, Josh squirms in his seat, his hand on his lap covering himself.

  Oh! “Oh!”

  Josh shakes his head.

  I stare out the windshield.

  Kim puts Tommy in his seat. “See you guys there,” she says, smiling and waving just outside Josh’s window.

  He gives her a two finger wave.

  I blink.

  He drives home.

  I don’t speak.

  Neither does he.

  Not until we get home and he switches off the engine. I turn to Tommy. And then I laugh.

  “What?” Josh follows my gaze. “He fell asleep!”

  My grandmother takes Tommy into the house and tells us he can stay with her overnight so we can unload the sand and prepare everything for him for the next day.

  Josh talks with Robby and Kim while they work. I try not to listen. At some point, Robby leaves for a short time. When he returns, he’s carrying a case of beers. Josh gathers some lawn chairs and sets them up around the sandpit. I place the last of the dump trucks in the middle of the sandpit and stand up, brushing the sand off my hands. I tap Josh on the shoulder just as he sets down the third and last chair. He turns to me and sits down on it.

  I wave good night.

  His brow bunches and he reaches for my hand. “Where are you going?”

  I point to my house.

  “Why?”

  I don’t really know why he’s asking me questions when he knows I won’t answer him. So I just stare him down, waiting for his next move.

  His next move is to smirk, which just confuses me more. Then he grips my hand tighter, the other on my waist, and pulls me down and onto his lap.

  My eyes widen but he just keeps the smirk in place. He raises his hand not on my hip and the next second he catches a beer. He uncaps it and passes it to me, then repeats the process.

  “Wait,” Robby says, “You’re legal right, Becca?”

  Josh scoffs. “I’m not even legal.” Then he runs his nose across my shoulder until his mouth is next to my ear. “Just relax, Becca. I got you.”

  I relax. I could blame it on the beer, but I don’t think that’s all it is. It’s Josh, too.

  They talk a lot of shit. A lot of funny as hell shit. Mainly about Josh as a kid. I can tell they’re trying to embarrass him and it works. They don’t talk directly to me, but they also don’t make me feel like an outsider. I smile a lot. And I laugh. They’re silent laughs, but still, they’re there. They talk about Tommy and his cute and crazy antics. Kim mentions something about being replaced and how she’s jealous that I’m his new best friend. She doesn’t say it with malice though, and for some reason that makes me trust her. Just a little.

  “Did you get any skating in yesterday?” Robby asks.

  Josh shrugs. “A little.”

  “Street or park?”

  He points his thumb to where the trucks are parked. “Driveway.”

  “Really?” Robby says. “I let you take half the day
off and you fuck around in the driveway?”

  Josh smirks and taps my leg. “I got distracted.”

  Without even knowing I’ve done it, I raise my hand. All eyes snap to me. I clear my throat. “He tried to teach me but I suck.”

  I’m met with silence and confused stares and I instantly wonder if they’re just as freaked out about my voice as I am. My gaze drops and Josh’s hand moves from my leg to my stomach, pulling me closer to him.

  Robby’s the first to speak. “Becca, you know I’m the one who bought him his first skateboard when he was seven?”

  I shake my head, looking up at him through my lashes.

  “I’m just saying,” Robby adds, “If anyone should be teaching you to skate, it should be me.”

  His wife smacks him on the back of the head. To me she says, “Have you seen Josh skate, Becca? Like, actually, skate?”

  I open my mouth but the words catch in my throat and I hesitate. Josh—he must sense that because he kisses me, right under my ear. Then he pulls away and with a single finger under my chin, he makes me face him. He’s smiling, his dark eyes twinkling under the moonlight, and there’s something about the way he looks at me that completely confuses me—like he’s proud and accepting of me, just as I am, and I want to give him a reason to see me in that way.

  It’s as if he’s kicked off the ground, and now it’s up to me to push.

  I tear my gaze away from him and look at Kim. “Just around in the driveway,” I whisper.

  Kim raises her eyebrows at Josh.

  I turn to him. “Am I missing something?”

  “Nope,” Josh says quickly.

  “Is there more?” I ask.

  “Nope,” Josh repeats.

  “But it—”

  “Shh!”

  “I just—”

  He presses his lips to mine, cutting me off. I smell the beer on his breath, and when he opens his mouth and runs his tongue across my lips, I taste it. His hand tightens on my waist, the other going to the back of my neck holding me to him. And I forget everything else and get lost in his kiss. In him. He moans into my mouth, his hips lifting slightly and now my hands are in his hair and I’m dizzy. So dizzy.