Scarred

by Amber Lynn Natusch

  I sighed as I put my stiletto back in its place. I hadn't meant anything by my comment, but I also hadn't thought much about my choice of words before saying them either. Sean had weaknesses, though he was far better at hiding them than most. I made a mental note to be more careful of what I said until I knew what all of them were. He was just starting to lower his defenses, and I didn't want to trigger any alarms that would throw them back up again.

  After getting dressed, I crept into the kitchen where his back was to me, stirring something simmering on the stove. Reaching my arms around his middle, I lightly rested my head on his back.

  “You're my favorite,” I whispered, hoping to do some damage control. His chest rumbled loudly in my ear.

  “Ares is an unwelcome topic in this house,” he said sternly, “just to let you know.”

  “I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it, Sean.”

  “I know you didn't, but keep that in mind for future reference,” he advised, his tone cautionary. “He's an unwelcome topic in general.”

  “And your mother?” I asked, holding my breath. I figured it was best to lay out all the ground rules at once.

  “She'd be a welcome topic, if there was anything to talk about,” he said, sounding mournful. “I never knew her. She left after I was born.”

  “Left you with who? Ares?” I asked in shock. Nobody in her right mind would leave a child in that psycho's care.

  “He is my father, Ruby,” he sighed, turning to face me. “From what I was told, her hand was forced. She didn't have a choice.”

  Didn't have a choice. That was a concept that I was all too familiar with. I immediately felt a strange kinship with the woman that neither of us knew. Certain that she had no other options, I bet she fought tooth and nail to keep him, even if it was futile. Whatever drove her to leave him must have been dire. No woman seemed to be able to just walk away from Sean.

  “I'm sure she was, or is, amazing,” I said, looking up at him.

  “And why is that?” he asked, wiping a wet curl off of my face.

  “Because you're clearly not your father's son. It's the good in you that he hates. She must have been truly something to create a child able to override his evil nature.”

  “Well, she is an angel.”

  “True,” I agreed, “but that just makes me wonder what in God's name made her want to be with someone like Ares.”

  “Don't let him fool you, Ruby. He once had a ruthless charm. Enough so that he could coax the angels down from heaven, apparently,” he said with a certain awe to his voice. “But he poisons everything he touches, including his children. Some more so than others.”

  “You're not poisoned, Sean.”

  “That's debatable,” he said, pulling me closer. “Perhaps it's why I'm so attracted to your inherently good nature.”

  “Maybe you just like pasty blondes with crazy hair.”

  “Maybe,” he said, a playful grin playing across his face. “Maybe we should skip dinner and see just how much I like pasty blondes with crazy hair.”

  My skin flushed at the thought, but I kept my composure.

  “No. I'm sticking to your rules if for no other reason than to show you it's within my abilities to do so,” I informed him, grabbing a plate off the counter and piling food onto it. “Besides, I need some energy that I can burn off later.” I gave him my most wicked grin, and even cocked an eyebrow at him. He visibly unraveled ever so slightly. As a man who was used to being on the offensive, he must not have realized that he liked having me press his buttons—in a good way.

  “Then go sit down and start eating,” he whispered in my ear. “I'll fix you another plate.”

  * * *

  It was not an elegant meal. The food was amazing, but my manner of eating it was close to feral at times. He baited me the entire time, and I quickly realized that, in the sexual tension game, I was a freshman—he wrote the curriculum. I nearly ran to the sink with my dishes, rinsing them as quickly as I could before sprinting to the bathroom to brush my teeth and pee. I didn't want fennel in my teeth or a bathroom break to interfere with the evening's festivities.

  When I emerged, the entire apartment was pitch black and dead silent. The combination of the two always gave me a rush of adrenaline, given my track record. I called his name, feeling like an idiot immediately thereafter, knowing that he was likely naked and in bed already, the thought of which only added to my epinephrine surge.

  I tiptoed down to his bedroom, dragging my hand along the wall for direction. There was little light offered by the windows in his room, but just enough to cast an eerie glow around his figure as he stood on the far side of the bed—naked. Very, very naked.

  In the darkness, I slipped my pants off, silently laying them on the floor. I unhooked the bra from under my shirt and placed it atop the pants. He continued to stand motionless on the far side of the bed, undoubtedly in an effort not to spook me. He knew I'd been hurt, a fact which seemed to pain him greatly, as though he himself had inflicted the pain. To show him I wasn't afraid, I stepped into the only crack of light that reached as far into the room as I stood―the spotlight for my performance.

  The silver-blue glow of the nearly full moon made my skin radiant in a ghostly fashion, almost iridescent. I felt exposed even though I was still partially clothed, and it made me wonder how, after everything we'd done the previous night, I could still feel so nervous and uncertain. Then it dawned on me. In all our debauchery, he hadn't actually seen me naked. Somehow my shirt had stayed on the whole time as though removing it would have interrupted things far too much to bother. The times that Sean had seen me naked over the past year, including an hour earlier in the shower, seemed different somehow, and I struggled to make sense of what those differences were.

  I was comfortable with Sean―loved him―and yet in that moment, standing before him, ready to bare myself to him and him alone, I felt truly exposed. Strangely, it was one of the most trivial yet terrifying things I'd ever faced. The shirt was not only a physical barrier for my flesh but also so much more. I wanted desperately to turn my back to him and slip out of my shirt then dive under the covers―even started to do so. Strange how the acts I'd anticipated all evening weren't really the most intimate. Not for me. I'd learned to find comfort in hiding.

  What was ironic was there was nothing to hide from: no threat of danger, no imminent demise. And that's where the difference lay. My previous nudity had always been in the throes of turmoil, emotional or otherwise, or a product of the violence my life had been consumed with. When you're dying, you tend not to concern yourself with your state of dress.

  But in the quiet calm of Sean's bedroom, none of those parameters existed. I was left with only the man I loved whose eyes were laser-focused on me―watching, waiting. Waiting for me to make yet another choice: overcome my past, or crumble under the weight of it.

  No more running.

  I turned back, crossing my arms over my stomach to grab the hem of my shirt. Pulling it up slowly and over my head, I felt my breasts bounce ever so slightly once finally released. I added it to the pile I’d amassed on the floor beside me. My tiny cotton panties were the only thing standing between me and overcoming my fear. I closed my eyes and hooked my thumbs on the thin fabric sitting low on my hips. As I moved to pull them down, Sean was suddenly there, holding my wrists.

  “Not yet,” he said quietly. “Not yet.”

  He eased down onto the edge of the bed and drew me to him, spreading his knees to allow me between them. His hands splayed wide across the small of my back as he pulled me towards his face. With eyes closed, he brushed his lips along the edge of my boyshorts, breathing deliciously warm air on my cooling skin. My hands wandered to his scalp, playing mindlessly with his hair as he worked back and forth, back and forth across my stomach. He stopped when he felt my knees give out ever so slightly.

  When he opened his eyes, he clenched me tightly for a brief moment before releasing his hold on me entirely, his hand drifting up
below my sternum. He traced a line down along the thin, silvery, almost invisible scar that marked my near-death experience.

  The night he told me he loved me.

  “I almost lost you,” he whispered softly, his finger stopping when it hit the black fabric of my underwear.

  “But you didn't,” I answered. “You brought me back. You saved me.”

  “I can't lose you, Ruby,” he said, looking up to meet my eyes.

  “You won't,” I replied with a smile before kneeling in front of him, reaching up from my knees to kiss him. I laid my head against his chest, running my fingers up and down the distinct lines of his abs. “Unless Scarlet goes bananas and you have to take her out,” I said, jokingly.

  “Then I suggest you keep her on a tight leash,” he said sternly, scooping me up off the floor to lay me down across the comforter. “I have plans, remember? I don't like my plans being interfered with. Be sure that she gets that memo.”

  Before I could respond, his body pressed tightly down on mine and I lost all cognitive function. He kissed me so deviously that I couldn't do anything but lie there and take it. His destination was clear as he made his way down my chest, to my stomach, over the black fabric that still divided us, and continued along to my inner thigh, parting my legs ever so softly with his hands. With eyes locked onto his target, his body was ready to move in for the kill.

  “Sean,” I blurted out, as he brushed his hand gently across the fabric.

  “Yes?” he asked, lowering his head to meet his hand, placing a soft kiss on the cotton barrier. My eyes rolled back in my head.

  “There are things you should know...”

  “Like?” he asked, repeating his kiss.

  “About me—about my past,” I stammered, trying to make a point. Any point.

  “They must be terribly interesting if you want to discuss them now,” he teased, flicking his tongue over the fabric quickly. I gasped. I couldn't help myself.

  “They are.”

  “So enlighten me then.”

  But I couldn't think. I wanted to tell him everything he needed to know about what happened to me when I was raped—about Cooper—anything that could make him change his mind about me. If we were going to be together, really be together, then he needed to go into it totally informed. I couldn’t handle the thought of being abandoned because of something coming to light too late and backfiring. It was easier to have him walk away right then and there, rather than at some random point in the future.

  Unfortunately, it didn't come out how I wanted it to.

  “I've never really been with anybody before you...,” I started. When that didn't seem to faze him, I added, “Not by choice.”

  That worked.

  “What do you mean?” he growled, pushing himself into a semi-plank position, hovering above me.

  “It's just...you should know that before last night, I'd never really done any of this before. At least not because I chose to,” I explained, breathing hard. “In Utah—”

  He threw his head back and made that ungodly roaring sound that I'd heard very few times before. He wasn't happy, and it scared the shit out of me. I felt myself start to shake beneath him, suddenly feeling very trapped.

  In a flash, he dropped his head back down, breathing as frantically as I was. He looked like he was trying to get control of himself.

  “In Utah?” he ground out through a tightly clenched jaw, unable to look at me. Frightened, I tried to answer him as quickly as possible, leaving out the gory details that would only have enraged him further.

  “There were so many,” I whispered. “They did things—unspeakable things—things I'd never done, would never have done with anyone. They damaged me.”

  He said nothing in response.

  “Then, when the full moon came a few months ago, I thought Scarlet was going to kill me. She wouldn't stop until she got what she wanted. I slept with Cooper to feed her mating needs.”

  He continued to breathe heavily above me. I was too afraid to move, so I lay there playing possum, hoping that my stillness would lead his attention elsewhere.

  “I knew what they were planning to do to you...were likely doing to you while Gregory held you captive. I couldn't inflict enough pain on those around me to quell my growing rage. Every minute that I couldn't reach you made me insane. I would have done anything to get to you faster. Anything,” he said, finally able to look at me. His eyes were blacker than the room. “If I'd had the chance, I would have taken every one of them and tortured them, slowly, inflicting every bit of pain and anguish back on them tenfold,” he rumbled, trying to control his anger. “As for the full moon...you should have come to me.”

  “I couldn't, Sean. Sophie was still—” I blurted, cutting myself off with a hand over my mouth. When he didn't react unfavorably, I continued. “After that, you had a lot to deal with and we were trying to go back to the beginning, remember? I don't remember having full moon sex with you in the beginning.”

  He paused for a moment, still struggling with his emotions. I knew dropping the Cooper bomb was not going to be helpful, but if we were going to do this, we were going to do it honestly from here on out. No lies. No omissions.

  “No. We didn't,” he said, his face expressionless. “An oversight that we'll have to make up for soon.” He looked up out the window to see the almost circular moon glowing in the sky. His face returned with the same Cheshire cat smile that used to undo me. “Perhaps we'll just play until then. It'll make it even more worth the wait.”

  My lips parted slightly as a tiny breath escaped me. He wasn't angry with me. He was mad at himself because he thought he'd failed me. Heat built inside me knowing that he was as consumed with me as I was secretly with him.

  “And now?” I asked, voice catching with anticipation.

  “Now?” he said, lowering himself down onto me. “Now, you trust me.”

  He said nothing else, just slid back down to his post between my legs where he'd been before I'd so rudely interrupted him. Slipping right back into his pattern of kissing and stroking the light cotton, he kept it up until I couldn't stand it one second longer. As if knowing I was at my breaking point, he gently ran a finger underneath that horrible barrier my underwear provided, forcing it delicately to the side. I twisted the comforter up in my hands as I awaited his contact.

  A low rumble escaped him and shook the bed as he teased me into a frenzy, doing things I'd never thought possible before. He lovingly pinned me down as I wriggled and writhed underneath his tongue.

  We didn't have sex, but we flirted with it, affording me the opportunity to become familiar and comfortable with his touch—the touch of someone who loved me. It was going to be a long road to full recovery, but Sean seemed willing to go at whatever pace I set, ensuring my well-being with every step.

  I woke the next morning, our bodies entangled, a sheet drawn loosely over us; he was still asleep. Resting my head back down on the pillow, I giggled to myself. He was in for a long morning. He'd met his agenda that night; it was my turn to meet mine. The interrogation, over one year in the making, would start at breakfast.

  17

  The ever-annoying sound of my vibrating cell phone woke me. I slid out of bed quietly and tiptoed over to my purse to retrieve it. It was a text from Alan: Talked to McGurney. He's in.

  “Sean,” I said, walking around to his side of the bed. “It's Alan. His buddy agreed to help us. It's a go.”

  Sean went from sleeping to standing in a blink. “Let me see,” he said, reaching for my phone. I handed it over, watching his expression as he read the text. “This is excellent,” he muttered under his breath. “You did well. Now set up a meeting with him, and tell him I'll be there in twenty minutes.”

  “Uh, Sean...he's not one of your lackeys. He has a family and a job. Maybe he can't just drop what he's doing to accommodate you,” I pointed out indelicately.

  In that brief moment of excitement that Alan's text had provided, I hadn't noticed that Sean was naked. Wh
en he scooped me in his arms and pressed my body to his, I became very aware of it and much, much more.

  “Then I guess you'll have to be very convincing,” he said, kissing me lightly on the nose. “I think he'll be willing to bend a bit when you let him know that his family is safe from the Rev.”

  That was a rather large detail that I'd forgotten to let Alan know about, but in my defense, it had been a bit of a shitstorm, and I wasn't exactly sure what I could tell him. I didn't want to get Ronnie in trouble, or make Sean a suspect either.

  “How am I supposed to tell him that without...”

  “Just tell him the threat has been neutralized,” he said, rummaging through a dresser. “He's ex-military. He'll read between the lines. Beyond that, don't answer any questions he asks. I'll take care of the rest of it when I arrive.”

  “Take care of it...?”

  “Jesus, Ruby. I'm not going to hurt him. It'll be fine.”

  “But,” I started, walking over towards him. He wheeled on me, eyes darkening. “Alright. Never mind. But I'm trusting you to not hurt him or his family.”

  Sean pulled up his boxers with a smile before closing the distance between us. “And it makes me happy to hear that,” he said, emerald eyes locking down on mine. “Very happy.”

  The heat between us was rising quickly. I needed to shut it down fast or he wasn't going to be going anywhere.

  “Okay, okay. You have to go. I'm texting him now,” I said, punching the keys on my phone. “Wait, how come you're going and I'm not?”

  “Because I don't want you getting mixed up in the details of this stuff, Ruby. It's PC business, and the fewer people who know things the better,” he said, pulling on an exquisitely worn-in white v-neck that emphasized his olive complexion. When he turned to see the look of disappointment on my face, he donned a sympathetic smile and made his way over to me. “I don't like making you feel this way, but it's necessary.”