Karma

by Barbara Huffert

  “I don’t know if I’m ready for this.” Alyssa shook her head.

  “Did you have the big talk yet?” Jordan asked.

  “Not with Joey and not specifically in terms of their own sexuality,” Shane supplied. “Don’t worry, ladies.” He noticed the frowns on both Alyssa and Kiley’s faces. “You already know Flynn is a sensitive guy, despite some of his previous experiences. Joey’s a good kid too. I’m sure they’ll be a little embarrassed but they’ll pay attention. And we’ll just ignore it when they can’t hide their arousal.”

  “Daddy.” Charlie walked in from the living room where she had been playing with Bear, Jordan and Kiley’s dog. “What’s arousal?”

  Shane ignored Alyssa’s glare as the others tried to hide their amusement. Charlie had a knack for arriving in the middle of a conversation and picking up on the most difficult detail to question. For a five-year-old, she had a remarkable memory.

  “Happiness,” Shane answered, hoping that would be enough to satisfy her curiosity.

  “I think I’ll go check on lunch,” Jesse excused himself.

  Abby was standing on her toes, stretching for something on a high shelf, unaware her sweater shifted when she raised her arm, exposing her bruised ribs.

  Joey noticed first and nudged Flynn.

  “Holy shit, who was wailing on you?” Flynn blurted without thinking.

  Abby spun around, tugging on the bottom of her sweater before wrapping her arms around her sides.

  When she didn’t speak, Flynn stepped closer, sensing her pain. “My first dad’s old man used to kick me too,” he confided softly.

  “What?” Abby finally looked at him.

  “When he didn’t want me anymore and sent me to live with his parents. The old man was a mean son-of-a-bitch. Used to work me over all the time. Didn’t need a reason. Had these big old boots he wore to work. He’d come home and smack me back and forth until I fell and then start in with his feet. Used to make me wish I would just die, hurt so much.” Flynn inched up her sweater and touched her ribs gently. “Musta been wearing pointy shoes.”

  “Looks like it still hurts,” Joey commented, touching her too.

  “Not broken,” Flynn stated before he lowered her sweater. “Jesse see that?”

  Abby nodded, too stunned to be horrified.

  “Good.” Flynn sounded serious. “Bet he doesn’t let it happen again.”

  “Not a chance,” Joey agreed, returning to the task she had given him.

  “You okay?” Flynn asked, sensing her growing discomfort.

  “I… It’s… I mean…” Abby fought the urge to run.

  Flynn surprised her by hugging her. He must have remembered what it was like to be beaten and alone, thinking that no one in the world cared if you lived or died.

  Jesse surveyed the scene in the kitchen. Abby obviously hadn’t noticed his arrival but Flynn and Joey were both watching him. He could read the anger and frustration on Flynn’s face. Joey was standing by, waiting to be told what to do.

  “Hey, Jesse.” Flynn spoke first, letting Abby know they weren’t the only ones there but not releasing her.

  “Guys,” Jesse responded, unspoken questions clearly on his face.

  “Abby was getting the basket and we saw her side,” Joey explained.

  “I told her about the old man,” Flynn added. “Joey already heard all about that stuff. We won’t tell anybody.”

  “Thanks.” Jesse rested his hand on Abby’s shoulder once Flynn dropped his arms. “Abby?”

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered, turning to face him but not raising her eyes.

  “You didn’t do anything.” Jesse tilted her chin.

  “But…”

  “Abby, it’s okay.” He smiled. “Flynn and Joey know you couldn’t control what happened to you, any more than Flynn could control his grandfather. They know it wasn’t your fault. They’re still here. They haven’t run away from you. Look at them.”

  Flynn and Joey stood uneasily, clearly wanting to help but not knowing how they could. When Abby finally faced them, they both gave her tentative smiles.

  “I’m sorry,” she repeated to them.

  Flynn shrugged. “Least you came here. Mom said she told you about what happened to me. You didn’t do stupid stuff like I did.”

  “I don’t know what to say now.” Abby trembled.

  “You don’t have to say anything,” Jesse replied. “Flynn’s just letting you know this doesn’t make a difference to him.”

  “Or me,” Joey chimed in.

  “You don’t think I’m an idiot?” Abby asked, clearly confused.

  “Nah. You think I’m one?” Flynn asked in return. When she shook her head no, he added, “Dad and Jesse used to tell me that what happened before I came here is over. They said I won’t ever be able to forget it but I can’t let it ruin what I got now. I got away and nobody can send me back. You don’t gotta go back either if you don’t want to.”

  “Thank you.” Abby reached for his hand.

  Flynn blushed and shuffled uncomfortably. “No big deal.”

  “We’ll come stay with you if Jesse has to go someplace and you get scared,” Joey offered.

  Abby felt Jesse squeeze her shoulder and sensed what he was trying to tell her. “You’re so sweet.” Abby kissed Joey’s cheek. “I really appreciate that. I’m sorry if I overreacted. I haven’t told too many people about any of this and I was a little surprised when you guys noticed.”

  Flynn accepted a kiss on his cheek too. “I don’t tell either. Just Joey.” His friend nodded. “Gotta have somebody you don’t have to hide stuff from. Told you ’cause you were gonna freak on us. Thought it might not be so weird if you knew you weren’t the only one it happened to.”

  “You’re right and thank you again. Both of you. You’re good guys and I’m very happy I got to meet you today.”

  Both boys blushed, causing Jesse to fight back an amused grin. “So when’s lunch?” he asked, breaking the moment.

  “We were just dishing it out.” Abby turned back to the food.

  “I can go tell them it’s ready,” Joey offered.

  * * * * *

  Jesse held Abby against his chest as his hands drifted across her back. They were lounging on the sofa, relaxing together comfortably.

  “So how does it feel to be worshipped by two young men?” he teased.

  “Oh please.” Abby rolled her eyes. “You know it’s just a temporary thing.”

  “But I was right, wasn’t I?”

  “Yes. I’ll admit it. They did notice my boobs.”

  “Sounded like you made an impression in other ways too. Shane told us you were dancing with them when he came over to rescue you. Singing too.”

  “I didn’t mean to. They were so sweet, asking if they could do anything to help. I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t mean to lead them on.”

  “Relax, Abs. You made their day. I bet you’re the first woman who’s not a relative to treat them as guys and not boys. I’m sure they loved every minute of it. You should have heard Shane trying to calm Alyssa down after she realized they are now officially horny teenagers.”

  “Oh God.” Abby groaned. “She must hate me.”

  “No she doesn’t. You can’t help it that you happened to be here when their hormones kicked in. She knows that. I think she was amused by the way they fell over each other, doing the dishes for you. You heard her laughing when they were describing Shane dancing with you. I think they were a little jealous of him too.”

  “Oh. I didn’t even think of that. I mean…I never considered it. I was having fun and he walked in. He didn’t seem to mind that I was dancing and I just kind of pulled him with me. I shouldn’t have…”

  “Abby, stop. I wasn’t accusing you of anything. I’m not criticizing you. I was teasing them. Hell, I was thrilled when Shane told us how comfortable you were. I love that you forgot about being restrained for a few minutes and had some fun. I wish I’d gotten to see you but I’m sure you’l
l do it again sometime.”

  “You’re not mad?”

  “Mad? Why, because you were enjoying yourself?”

  “Um, no. Because I was, well, dancing with one of your friends and the boys.”

  Jesse felt her tension rise. “No, I am not mad. And in case you’re wondering, neither was Alyssa. You and the boys were playing while you cooked. What’s wrong with Shane joining in? It was harmless fun. What do you think you did that was so wrong?”

  “Nothing, I guess.” She was hiding from him again.

  “I’m not Earl,” Jesse reminded her. “I am not going to go berserk if you get along with my friends. In fact, I encourage you to. I would love it if you learned to trust them like I do and felt safe enough to be yourself with them. I’m not going to be jealous of some innocent dance in the kitchen. You weren’t coming on to any of them. I can tell the difference even if I wasn’t there.”

  “I’m sorry,” Abby whispered, seemingly ashamed of the way she expected Jesse to behave the way Earl would.

  “No need.” Jesse forced her to meet his gaze. “You’re not used to me yet. You will be. I’m not worried.”

  Abby considered his words before bringing up the other thing that was obviously bothering her. “I shouldn’t have put the boys in the position I did. I didn’t know how far my sweater moved when I reached up.”

  “Again, nothing to worry about. You really can talk to them if you ever want to. Flynn is an amazing kid and made a wise choice when he decided to make friends with Joey. They won’t betray you.”

  “This is so unreal. It feels like a dream. I never thought people like you and your friends existed.”

  “Wait until you meet the rest of my family. We seem to be very different from the other people you know. I’m not naïve. I know there are plenty of people in the world, willing to screw over anyone who gets in their way and take advantage of any opportunity. But I also know decent people do exist. Maybe I’ve just been lucky with the way I grew up and the friends I’ve made but I still have faith that we’re not the only ones out there. You can’t let Earl and his friends influence your perception of the rest of us. Not everyone is out to hurt you or drag you down. We aren’t all setting you up to fail, just waiting for an opportunity to degrade you. Some of us want only the best for you and will support you in any way we can.

  “I know you’re scared and how hard it must be for you to trust any of this. If I’m ever pushing you too much to accept any of this, you need to tell me to back off. I can’t imagine how things seem to you and I’ll probably get too enthusiastic because I want you to see how good life can be when you’re surrounded by the right people. I hope you know I’ll never purposely do anything to upset you or embarrass you. But when I do, I need you to talk to me. If you don’t, we won’t be able to work past it. I don’t want to screw up with you but it’s going to take both of us to make sure I don’t.”

  “Maybe I’m going to be the one to screw up with you.”

  “The only way that could happen is if you shut me out without explanation. You already said you’re not going to do that and I trust you so I’m not worried. Maybe I’m being too paranoid and trying to anticipate too much. I only want you to know you don’t have to be afraid of my reaction to anything you do, Abby. You won’t intentionally hurt me. I’m positive you won’t. I didn’t have the same experiences you did and I don’t know what you may see differently than I do. Even after I shot those men, I was never truly alone. I don’t know what that feels like. I need you to not withdraw from me when I say or do the wrong thing because I don’t know any better.”

  Abby pulled away from him. “I want to promise that I’ll stop hiding from you.”

  “Don’t,” Jesse interrupted. “It’s too soon for that. All I’m asking is that you say you’re willing to try. That you’ll have patience with me and give me the opportunity to learn how to be the kind of husband you deserve. If you help me I’ll do my best not to disappoint you.”

  “Stop it, Jesse. You don’t need to do this. I don’t think I can stand it.”

  Jesse watched as Abby scurried across the room, putting as much distance as possible between them. “I don’t understand.” He spoke quietly, remaining where he was. “What do you think I’m doing?”

  After a heightened silence, Abby responded. “Twisting this. Making it seem like it’s not the way it is. I’m the one who’s screwed up here, not you. I don’t want you to turn things around. We both know it’s not you who is insecure and afraid. We both know my life has always been a mess, not yours. You know how to accept people, not me. You know when it’s okay to love someone. You know when to trust and when you’re being manipulated. Don’t make you seem less than you are. It makes me feel even more inadequate that you’re pretending you’re not as good a person as we both know you are. Don’t let me drag you down. I can’t let you do that.”

  “You just proved my point. I didn’t see it that way at all. I was trying to show you that I won’t misjudge a situation without understanding it first and that it’s okay for you to express yourself in whatever way you want to. If it makes you happy to dance around the kitchen, go for it. I won’t jump to conclusions and read things that aren’t there. I wasn’t patronizing you. That would be unfair to both of us. I wanted to show you that I want to understand how things make you feel. I wasn’t putting myself down by admitting I’ll need you to explain certain situations to me. I meant it. Us, together, sharing, it’s the most important thing I’ve ever done. I do need your help.”

  Abby moved slowly closer while he spoke. When he finished, she was standing inches in front of him. She slid to her knees and rested her hands on his thighs. “Do you really believe I can do this? Learn how to be normal again? I don’t think I ever was, Jesse. What if I don’t ever stop hearing Earl or my mom in my head? What if they’re right and I really am as incompetent as they said I was? I don’t want to be a burden on you like I was on them. I don’t think I could stand it if you started looking at me the same way they did.”

  “I don’t know what normal is either, Abby. But I do know you are not incompetent. I feel so much more alive since we met. I didn’t ever think my life was lacking because I hadn’t found someone to share it with before but now I know it was. It’s better just because you’re with me. How could you be a burden?” He rested his hands on top of hers, covering them but not holding them.

  “You’re so kind.”

  “Hardly. Selfish is more like it. I finally found you. I want you to be my wife forever. I know we can make it. There’s no kindness involved here. Pure self-indulgence and an overwhelming desire to get what I want, which is you. I’ll do anything to ensure that I get to keep you so I can make you see how much I love you. But I won’t force you. I won’t manipulate you just because I want you so badly.”

  “Do you know what my mind is telling me right now? It says I’m being a stupid fool, letting myself believe you mean that. For wanting it all to be true. For thinking I’m good enough to be with you. For dreaming you really could want to be with me forever. For hoping you really are willing to ignore it when I have a breakdown every other hour. For even considering I might be capable of being a decent wife and maybe even a mother someday.”

  “That isn’t you. That’s Earl. He’s still in your head, trying to sabotage us because you haven’t confronted him yet. Listen to your heart instead. What is it telling you?”

  Abby stared at him. “That I love you and I want to be married to you more than anything in the world.”

  “That’s you talking, Abby. Let that part overrule the rest. Your heart knows how I feel. Let it show you. Trust yourself. Lean on me. I’m right here and I want to support you. Let me help you see how misguided your mind is right now and how true your heart is.”

  “Why don’t you hate this already? Aren’t you getting sick of giving me these pep talks? We’ve been together less than a week and you’ve spent so much time keeping me from falling apart. You can’t keep this up.”r />
  “Wanna bet? Try to see this from my point of view, if you would please. I just spent the best five days of my life with the woman I want to share everything with. I got to spend countless hours, pointing out all the good things I see in her. I got to hold her constantly while I reassured her. I got to encourage her passionate nature as part of that reassurance. And I’m faced with the prospect of living like this indefinitely although I know she’ll regain her confidence much faster than she suspects. When she does, I’ll get to enjoy all the benefits that go along with it and see her become the miraculous woman I already know she is. Sounds like a hell of a deal to me.”

  “I can’t think.”

  “Then don’t.” Jesse folded his hands around hers. “Feel instead. Go with your heart. I won’t hurt you.”

  Abby tipped her face and brushed Jesse’s lips with a kiss. “Jesse,” she said with desperation.

  “I’m here. Tell me what you want. Tell me how I can prove I’m not lying. I’ll do anything you ask. Just tell me what to do to show you how much I need you to take a chance with me.”

  The turmoil she was feeling showed in her expression. Jesse could guess the internal argument she was having. He wished he could do more to help but knew what she needed most was time and consistency.

  “Let me make love to you. It feels so real when we’re together like that.”

  “It is real,” Jesse stated. “I’m all yours. For whatever you need. Take me however you want. Tell me what to do.”

  Instead of answering, Abby unbuttoned his shirt. Once she slid that from his shoulders, she pushed him back against the sofa and lavished attention on his chest. His body responded to her exploring mouth and hands. “You’re incredible. I’m so turned on already. I can’t believe how hot I get when you let me touch you.”

  “I’m yours. Yours and only yours, Abby. Touch me everywhere. Whenever you want to,” Jesse urged, watching her progress. After Abby devoured his mouth and returned to his chest, he whispered, “I’ll never get tired of kissing you like that. Or any other way you want to kiss me.” Abby reclaimed his lips, gently this time. “Oh yeah. That is so good.”