Drunk in Love

by Anthology

  I rest my head on his shoulder. “This is why I wanted to elope. I knew if we let them in, let them be involved, they’d ruin it. Are we sure we still want to do this? It feels like this is a ticking time bomb.”

  He shifts so we’re facing each other. “This is most definitely a ticking time bomb. It’s going to be a disaster of epic proportions. But, at the end, we’ll be married. It’s a small price to pay to get to spend the rest of my life with you.”

  I lean forward and kiss him. “I love you.”

  He cups my face. “We’ll get through this. We can get through anything.”

  2

  FOUR MONTHS BEFORE THE WEDDING

  “Hi Presley, it’s Kitty! I’m in the neighborhood so I’m going to stop by. See you in a few! Kisses!”

  As the message plays through my machine, I look around at my apartment—it’s a disaster. I’ve been spending so much time at Finn’s, my apartment has been sorely neglected. As I jump up to start my mad cleaning dash, I call Finn to see if he knows what this drop by is all about.

  “I don’t think we can do this,” Finn says when he answers the phone. “It’s just not possible.”

  I dump all the folded laundry on the sofa into a laundry basket and carry it to my bedroom. “What’s not possible?”

  “I’m sitting here in my office, I have two depositions to prepare for, but I can’t stop looking at the spreadsheet. With how many people our parents have added to the guest list, we have to change locations. There are three locations from our plan B list that are still available, but they’re going to cost us more than my first car. Then factor in the higher headcount for food and booze. Seriously, babe. It’s going to take us less time to pay off our grad school student loans than it will to pay off this wedding.”

  My stomach churns. This is exactly what we didn’t want. I feel like we’ve opened the floodgates and now we’re on the slippery slope straight to wedding hell. “We can just tell them to cut back on their guest lists.”

  “No!” he exclaims. “We can’t even do that. We need all the additional people to keep them away from each other, like buffer zones. Imagine if it were just our families.”

  As I pick up my comforter to make my bed, I picture what a small wedding would actually look like. There would be bloodshed. “Oh God, you’re right. We need those bodies. Lots of bodies. Let them invite whomever the hell they want.”

  “Yup! We’re never buying any of them Christmas or birthday presents ever again. This wedding is their gifts for the rest of their lives. All of them!”

  I throw the pillow shams on the bed and try to make them look less haphazard. “I second that. Well, while we’re on the subject of changing locations . . .?”

  Finn groans. “Oh, what now?”

  I hate hearing him so stressed, especially knowing this is going to stress him out even more. “My father would like us to move the wedding inside.”

  He scoffs. “I know I’m going to regret asking, but why?”

  I move on to the kitchen and spray down the countertops. “It seems Stacey’s worried about Zika.”

  “Well, it’s a good thing we live in the desert,” he replies. “I don’t think I’ve seen a single mosquito in the fifteen years I’ve lived in Arizona.”

  “I tried to explain that, but she insists mosquitos are everywhere, even Arizona in the dry season. Apparently,” I gag at the thought, “she and my father are trying to have a baby and she doesn’t want to risk either of them catching Zika. If we don’t move the wedding inside, neither of them will come.”

  “So let me get this straight: he’s going to miss his daughter’s wedding out of fear of getting a mosquito bite, in the desert?”

  “I know. It’s ridiculous,” I reply, as I clear off my piles of work from the table. “I swear they stay up late at night plotting how much more they can push us.”

  “Well, if they don’t come, does that mean we can uninvite her family? Our numbers got out of control when we said we could have her niece as our flower girl. Who knew, by saying yes to one little girl, it meant that we were inviting the whole damn bloodline?”

  “I told him we’ve been so accommodating with Stacey’s ridiculous requests, but this is too much. I really want the wedding outside under the stars. He flipped out, told me I’m a selfish brat and that I owe him. Then, he listed all the things we’ve given in to my mother about and said that it’s his turn to get what he wants. I don’t even know how he knows all this stuff. It’s like he’s bugging my phone or something.”

  Finn snorts. “Either that, or your mother’s bragging about how you’re giving her more and thus you must love her more. I could see either one as a possibility.”

  The doorbell rings. “That’s your mom. Do you have any idea what she wants?”

  “Nope, none. She didn’t tell me she was going to see you, which usually means I wouldn’t approve.”

  I drape the throw blanket over the back of the recliner. “Great.” The doorbell rings again. “I’d better go.”

  “Good luck! Love you!” he says before hanging up.

  I open the door and Kitty rushes in and pulls me into a huge hug. “Hello, my darling! How are you?”

  “Good,” I reply when she finally lets me go. “Just working. Today’s my telecommute day.”

  She rolls her eyes and laughs. “It’ll be so great once you get married and you get finally get rid of that silly job.” She brushes a lock of hair off my forehead. “And maybe you’ll finally have time to get some hair extensions. Long hair is just so much more feminine and pretty. Short hair is just so. . . butch.”

  Kitty would reverse the woman’s movement if she could. She doesn’t believe women should work. She believes the only purpose of going to college is to find a husband. I’ve never met anyone like her. It’s as though she’s stuck in the fifties. “As I’ve said before,” I say as politely as I can, “I’m not quitting my job. I like what I do, I don’t want to give it up.”

  She gives me a patronizing look. “You say that now, but you’ll see. Once you’re married, you’ll realize your house and your husband need to be looked after. And you’ll learn quickly, your looks won’t be there forever. If you want to keep your husband’s eye, you’ll need to work at it. There just won’t be time for a job.”

  With my blood boiling, I dig my nails into the palms of my hands. I want to lash out at her but after being married to a serial adulterer, I suppose I can understand how her perspective has become so warped. Sort of. I clear my throat and change the subject. “So, what brings you by?”

  Giddy, she claps her hands. “I have the most wonderful gift for you!” She rubs her hands together. “You’re going to love this. I was going through the storage unit, throwing away some of Finn’s father’s things, when I came across this. I’ve been searching for it ever since you got engaged.” She unzips the box and pulls out something big and white and frilly. “Ta-da! What do you think?” She holds up a dress. There has to be fifty layers of tulle. The sleeves are big, and poofy, and I’m pretty sure there are shoulder pads in there. I stare at her, speechless. She’s clearly proud of this hideous dress. Kitty’s as sensitive as a teenage girl going to prom with a bad perm and a huge zit in the middle of her forehead. I have to be very careful how I respond. Honesty is not the best policy here.

  She beams at me. “So, what do you think?”

  “Um, the dress is lovely.”

  “I wore it when I was crowned Ms. Arizona a few years ago.”

  A few years ago? Really? I suppose thirty years is just a few years ago. It’s all relative. “I bet you looked stunning.”

  “Well, I was thinking about it for the wedding?”

  “Um, sure. Of course, if you want to wear it for the wedding, I think that’s great.”

  “Not for me, silly. For you! When I wore this dress, I thought it would make the most perfect wedding dress. I wanted to wear it for my own wedding, but my father wanted me to have something new. So I had something designed, but I
was never happy with it. This dress was just too perfect.” She sighs. “I always hoped I’d have a daughter I could pass it along to, but sadly, I didn’t. So, nothing would make me happier than to see you wear it when you marry my baby!”

  Oh fuck, how am I going to get out of this? I smile as I rack my brain for something to say that will save me. “Oh, Kitty. . . um. . . that is just so generous. But, I couldn’t possibly.”

  “Of course you can!” she insists. “I know the wedding’s getting so expensive. This will help you save some money. And really, you couldn’t possibly find a more perfect dress. I mean, look at it!” She looks at the dress as though it’s the Shroud of Turin.

  “Oh, Kitty that is just so, um, so. . . kind of you. I’m so honored, truly. But I already have my dress, remember? I showed it to you? My friend Angelica, she was one of my college roommates and became a fashion designer in LA. She made it for me as my wedding gift.”

  “I do remember you showing me a dress. And it was sweet. But why settle for sweet when you can have spectacular?”

  “But Angelica would be so hurt. She’s put so much into creating it. I wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings.”

  “But you have no problem hurting mine?” Crocodile tears well up in her eyes.

  Back pedal! Back pedal! “Oh, no. What I meant to say was this is so elegant, and so much more formal than the wedding is going to be. Finn’s not wearing a tux, in fact, I don’t think he’s even wearing a tie.”

  She gasps. “Not wearing a tux! Oh, no, no, no, no! That is simply unacceptable. He will be wearing a tux. I think, when you try this dress on, and are magically transformed into a fairy princess, you’ll change your mind!”

  I don’t want to be a fairy princess. I was the girl who wanted to be the sheriff. Or an astronaut or a cow girl. Never a princess.

  She holds the dress out to me. “Try it on.”

  “Oh, I don’t know about that. Look at you, then look at me. You’re a twig, I’m . . . not. You’re built like a ballet dancer, I’m built like a softball player. I have shoulders and quads.” Unlike you, who believes in the all liquid juice and vodka diet, I actually eat real food. “I don’t think there’s any chance that dress is going to fit.”

  Her smile fades as she shoves the dress into my hands. “Try it on.”

  I swallow hard. “O-kay.” This is not going to end well.

  I take the dress into my bedroom. As I step into it, I instantly know there’s no way this dress is going to fit. The waist of the dress feels too tight around my thighs. I don’t think I can even get it up. “Kitty, I don’t think this is going to work.”

  “Just suck it in a little, honey. And remember, there’s spandex in the dress. Just tug a little, there’s more give than you think.”

  I give the dress a little tug and I feel it give all right. A loud rip echoes through my quiet apartment.

  Kitty bursts through the door. She stares at the torn dress. “What have you done?”

  “So, you have to wear a tux.” I sprinkle parmesan cheese over my pasta.

  Finn is about to take a sip of his beer but he freezes before he brings the bottle to his lips. “Say what?”

  “After the dress ripped, she was crying hysterically. I’ve never seen anyone over the age of six cry like that. I couldn’t get her to calm down, I was nervous she might have a heart attack or something.”

  He chuckles. “And let me guess, she took you for all you were worth.”

  My jaw drops. “You mean, that was an act?”

  He twirls linguine in his spoon. “I don’t think she brought the dress over with the intention of you ripping it. I genuinely believe she had some delusion of you wearing it. But as soon as that plan wasn’t going to pan out, she seized the opportunity. It’s her go-to move.”

  “I should have ‘Sucker’ stamped on my forehead. I know you told me how manipulative she could be. I honestly thought I would be savvy enough to pick up on it, but she had me completely snowed.”

  He takes my hand. “My mother is a master of using tears to get what she wants. I am so sorry she put you in that situation. I’ll make sure I’m around to protect you next time, and I will talk to her about this.”

  I wave him off. “No, don’t. She’s already still so pissed at me about that dress. I think we just need to eat this loss and let it go.”

  He opens his mouth to disagree, but then thinks better of it. “I’ll think about it. What else did you agree to?”

  “The tuxes. I told her she could help with the flowers.” I nibble my lip as I remember what else she conned me into. “I’m sure there’s more, but I can’t really remember. I promised just about everything I could think of to get her to stop weeping.”

  “So now that you’ve gotten a closer look at the pathological level of insanity of the Hayes family, are you having a change of heart? I don’t blame you if you want to bolt.”

  Between his family and mine, we’re drowning in crazy. Apples must not fall far from the tree, because Finn and I would have to be insane to take on each other’s family on top of our own. We’re going to deal with this on every holiday! And then we’re going to bring kids into this too? Our union should be outlawed for the sake of the kids alone!

  But then I see his smiling face and realize that no matter how must stress our families bring into our lives, he’s worth it. We’re worth it. “Never. Crazy or not, I’m in for the long haul.”

  3

  TWO MONTHS BEFORE THE WEDDING

  With less than two months to go, Finn and I have a long list of issues yet to be resolved. The photographer my mother demanded we use ditched us for a higher paying gig and we’ve been scrambling to get a new one. Plus, we’ve made five appointments with Finn’s grandmother’s minister, and he has failed to show up every single time. He’s never called or texted to let us know he has to cancel, he just leaves us waiting. Finn’s grandmother, Maxine, has sworn he’s a wonderful man, but her church has a dying congregation. Literally. The majority of the congregants are over eighty, so the pastor is constantly being called to support families during the death of a family member. My heart goes out to those families and I respect his work, but how hard is it to send a text? Finn wants to go back to our original plan and have Judge Hoff officiate, but I’m reluctant to piss off another member of his family.

  He and I are supposed work out all these issues tonight over dinner, but while I was on my way to Finn’s apartment, I got a message from him that he had to run out and he’d see me back at his place. I got his message around five-thirty. He doesn’t make it home until almost ten.

  “You will never guess what I was just doing?” he says, as he kicks his shoes off.

  “Oooh! What do I win if I guess it right? Is it dinner? Because I’m starving!” I expected to get a laugh, or at least a smile, but Finn’s face is just full of stress. He’s not in a joking mood. “Let me get you a drink. You look like you can use one.” I jump off the sofa and head to the kitchen to get him a beer.

  “Can I have a scotch, please?”

  Scotch? He never drinks scotch unless things are really, really bad. “Wow, you must have had some helluvah night.”

  “I just had to bail our fathers out of jail.”

  I spin around and stare at him. “What?”

  He loosens his tie then unbuttons the top few buttons of his shirt. “So, my father asked your father to go play golf.”

  “That’s a recipe for a disaster. Why the hell would Peter do that?” I turn back toward the kitchen to get us both a drink.

  “My mom’s been taunting him. Telling him no one wants him at the wedding, crap like that. I think he was trying to make friends with your dad, so he’d have someone on his side, so to speak.”

  I grab two glasses and pour a few fingers worth of scotch into each. “So, he chose my father? My father’s the most selfish, narcissistic person on the face of the planet. George is only capable of being on George’s side.” As I carry the drinks into the living room, I say, “I
’d like to point out that, apparently, the fear of Zika doesn’t extend to golf, only my wedding.”

  “I thought about that,” he says with a chuckle. “Just listen, the story gets better. So, they decided to put some money on the game.”

  I hand him his glass then sit next to him on the sofa. “Oh man! This is a train wreck waiting to happen.”

  “On the ninth hole, they got into an argument about if a ball was out of bounds. Turned into a huge fight over the score and who owed whom money. Your dad broke my dad’s driver. Then my dad took your dad’s bag and threw the whole thing in the lake. Punches started flying and then the police were called.”

  I drop my head in my hands. “I can’t believe this. I mean, I can totally believe it, I just don’t want to.” “No matter how old I get, my father can turn me into that broken hearted nine-year-old girl who cries wondering why her father can’t be nice to her like all the other girls’ fathers.” I jump back up and grab my phone. “I’m ordering food. I need to eat my feelings. Pizza okay?”

  “Deep dish,” he replies. “Extra everything.” Finn hates deep dish, but he always orders it because he knows it’s my favorite. God, I love this man. I lean over the sofa and give him a big kiss before calling in the order.

  “I was able to make some calls and get the charges dropped,” he says after I hang up with Oreganos. “They have to write a check to the golf course for the damage to the course and the golf cart.”

  “The cart? What the hell did they do to the cart?” I hold my hand up to stop him. “You know what? Never mind, I don’t want to know. I don’t care. It’s their problem.”

  As I sit next to him, he gives me a look that tells me he hasn’t finished delving out all the bad news. “Well, it actually is our problem.”