This Book Will Change Your Life

by Amanda Weaver

  “Oh, sure. Um. This is Jasmine, my roommate, and her boyfriend, Sean. This is Ben.”

  Jasmine extends her hand and puts on her CEO smile. “Nice to meet you, Ben.”

  He shakes her hand, and then he and Sean exchange an awkward handshake, too. “Nice to meet you guys. Okay, I’m gonna head out. Enjoy the rest of the book, Hannah.” Now he does meet my eyes, just for a second, and he smiles slightly. Then he slips out the door like he was never here.

  “So,” Jasmine says when the door closes behind him. “Bookstore Boy is cute.”

  “Excuse me?” Sean says.

  Jasmine pats his shoulder. “Relax. Bookstore Boy is Hannah’s. I’m just making an observation.”

  I sigh and flop back on my bed. “Bookstore Boy is most definitely not mine. Did you see how fast he cut out of here? God, that was embarrassing.”

  “Maybe because we interrupted him when he was about to make his move. Looked pretty cozy in here when we opened the door.”

  I glance at Sean, blushing that he’s here to witness my humiliation, but his eyes are fixed firmly on the floor. He looks like he’d rather be anywhere else on earth than here listening to this.

  “Yeah, except he had all night to kiss me.” And he almost did. Didn’t he? What would’ve happened if we’d had a few extra seconds?

  Jasmine chews on her fingernail and frowns. “He was in this room with you all night—alone—and he didn’t kiss you once? And you’re sure he’s not gay?”

  “Definitely not. He’s established that twice.”

  “And there’s no girlfriend?”

  My stomach churns. A girlfriend? No, I would’ve known…right? “He hasn’t specifically said so, but I think at this point it would have come up. I’m at the shop enough that I’d have met her or heard about her, right?”

  Unless I do know about her. Alex is gorgeous, older than me, and she’s known Ben a lot longer. But I’d have noticed if they were together, wouldn’t I? And today after Ben invited her to come along with us, she said no and gave me an encouraging smile. That’s girl code. She was practically telling me to go for it— She wouldn’t have done that if they were dating.

  “Guys can hide that shit if they want to, but since he’s not moving in on you, I can’t imagine why he’d hide something,” Jasmine says. “That’s usually reserved for the cheating scumbags.”

  I flop back onto my bed, clutching A Confederacy of Dunces to my chest. The rest of the book is probably going to pale in comparison to the parts we read together. “Maybe I’m just wrong about all of this. Maybe he’s not into me like that.”

  “A guy doesn’t end up alone in a girl’s dorm room on a Friday night, lying on her bed, if he’s not into her at least a little bit,” Sean interrupts.

  Jasmine and I stare at him, and he shrugs one massive shoulder. “I’m just saying this was a situation. You don’t get there by accident. He had to want to on some level.”

  Sean’s right. Ben’s eyes were wary as we looked at each other, but there was also interest. And the way he looked at my mouth… For a split second, he was thinking about it. “So why did he bolt out of here?”

  Sean holds up his hands. “Who knows? Maybe the dude’s got some hang-ups or something.”

  I groan and close my eyes. “Well, whatever it is, I’m pretty sure it means I’m out of luck.”

  Jasmine sits on the edge of my bed. “You going to be okay? We just stopped by so I could grab my calculus book, but I can stay if you want me to.”

  “No, that’s really nice of you, but I’m fine.”

  Jasmine smiles and squeezes my knee. “Maybe you need to take control of this and make the first move,” she says. “Just putting it out there. Think about it.”

  I wave them both out the door. I should forget about it at least for tonight, but when I lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling, I can’t help it— Ben’s stare haunts me for the rest of the night.

  Chapter Nine

  Ben

  It’s been a week since the incident in Hannah’s dorm, and I still can’t get her face out of my mind. Truth is, I don’t even know what that was. I sort of guessed Hannah was into me, and yeah, she’s cute. Really cute. But that night last week when she leaned toward me, she wasn’t cute anymore— She was soft lips and fluttering eyelashes, and fuck, I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to kiss her, press her back onto the bed, and do a whole lot more than kissing.

  I freaked out, and I’ve spent all week figuring out what to do. But now I know. I just lost my focus; that’s all. Alex. Alex is the one I want. That’s the plan. It was always the plan.

  Today is the day I refocus. It’s Alex’s birthday, and I’ve bought her a necklace—a delicate gold heart with a tiny diamond set in it. Definitely not a gift for a girl who’s just a friend. Giving her the necklace will make my intentions unmistakable.

  “Ben?” Adele calls as she makes her way up the aisle. “I can’t find that copy of The Aeneid for the phone order that came in. Is it still in the computer?”

  I tap a few keys as Adele leans onto the counter. “Inventory says it’s here. But there’s this other copy of The Aeneid that Elliot supposedly sold last week. I bet he clicked on the wrong copy. Idiot.”

  “Can you email that nice lady back and tell her we don’t have it anymore?”

  “Sure, I’ll take care of it.”

  Her gaze falls on Alex’s present wrapped and ready to go on the counter, and she arches an eyebrow. “Oooh, what have you got here?”

  “It’s for Alex. Today is her birthday.”

  Adele tips her head to the side. It’s impossible to miss, based on the size and shape, that it’s a jewelry box. “I see.” She sighs, sounding disappointed. “Well, I’m sure she’ll love it.”

  Adele drifts away, and I stare at her back. I haven’t missed that she’s been playing matchmaker with Hannah and me, but she should know better. I’ve felt this way about Alex since way before Hannah ever showed up. Maybe I was slow to make it happen, but today I’m going to fix that.

  As soon as the clock hits two, which is when Alex’s shift starts today, I grab the present and head out to Coffee Oasis. I glance through the plate glass front window— Alex is tying her apron around her waist and laughing at something. When she laughs, she throws her head back and her whole body lights up; she’s absolutely gorgeous.

  One deep breath and I push through the door. It’s mid-afternoon, so thankfully there aren’t a lot of customers. Marc is dealing with two girls at the counter while Alex refills a napkin dispenser.

  “Hey.”

  She looks up and smiles. “Hey, Ben.”

  With no preamble, I pass the gift across the counter to her. “Happy birthday.”

  Her smile fades as she takes it. “Wow. Did you—”

  “Today’s your birthday, right?”

  “Yeah, it is. I just… I can’t believe you got me something.”

  “Of course I did.” I force a smile even though my body is thrumming with nerves. “Go ahead and open it.”

  My stomach is in knots as she tears the paper off. She flips the top of the box, and her eyes go wide.

  “Oh, wow, Ben… It’s way too much.”

  “No such thing as too much for your birthday.”

  She sighs and smiles at me. “That’s really sweet, Ben.”

  My heart sinks. Sweet? Sweet is a guy saving a seat for you, or loaning you his lecture notes. How about “you know me so well” or “this is perfect and I love it.” She’s acting like I bought her a coffee or something. I swallow down my disappointment and push ahead with my plan.

  “So, do you have any great plans for your birthday?” Because if you don’t, I’m giving you plans.

  She smirks. “You mean besides making cappuccinos for other people all afternoon?”

  “After that.”

  “Actually, yeah. A friend of mine is having a party.”

  I deflate inside. “Oh. They’re throwing you a party? That’s great.”

  �
��No, it’s not for me. It’s a giant house party. Like a ‘it’s nearly Thanksgiving break so let’s all get wasted’ kind of thing. Hey, you should come.”

  My breath catches— She’s inviting me? Maybe all isn’t lost, after all. “Really? You want me to come?”

  “Sure. Hang on, I have the flyer somewhere.” She retrieves her huge bag from under the counter and digs through it endlessly, depositing two textbooks, her laptop, makeup, hair things, and all manner of stuff onto the counter. Finally, she produces a rumpled photocopy. “Got it! I knew it was in there. I never throw anything away.”

  “Clearly,” I joke.

  She shovels all the junk back into her bag without a single chuckle and thrusts the flyer at me. “Seriously, you should come. I bet you’ll have a great time.”

  I hold back a long sigh. I don’t want to read too much into her not laughing at my joke, but shouldn’t there be some sort of spark here? Am I being that dumb guy who can’t read a girl’s signals?

  She did give me this flyer, though. I look at it, all bold letters and exclamation points. It’s not the kind of party I’d ever go to on my own, but if she wants me there… “I’ll be there.”

  “Great! So, you want a coffee? Birthday girl is treating.”

  I’d rather have hot chocolate, but it’s not a big deal. I wave the flyer with a smile. “Sure. Looks like this’ll be a late night. I might need it.”

  Chapter Ten

  Hannah

  Today is amazing. It’s gotten cold, but not too bad yet. The sun is shining, there’s no snow, and my brisk walk across campus to Prometheus keeps me warm enough. I feel great. Better than great. Fantastic. Because I’ve finally decided today is the day I quit crushing on Ben and actually do something about it.

  I had a test this week, so I haven’t talked to him much since he cut out of my room last Friday night. We’ve texted a little about A Confederacy of Dunces, but nothing big.

  Jasmine and I have been talking it over all week, and she’s convinced I need to make the first move. As she puts it, “Bookstore Boy has probably been turned down by girls all his life. He’s never going to man up.”

  So I’m manning up. I’m going to get a new book, and then I’m going to ask him to hang out with me tonight, and before the night is out, I’m going to kiss him. It feels so sublimely right that I’m not even nervous. Once we’re in the moment, he’ll want me as much as I want him— After all, he already did, right? We were halfway there last week. I just need to nudge him the other half.

  I turn onto Clark Street just in time to see Ben cross it and disappear into Coffee Oasis. I call out his name, but he doesn’t hear me. It’s fine. I’ll catch him there and then go back to work with him when his break is over. We can talk then.

  As I approach Coffee Oasis, I can see him through the plate glass window handing a present—a small, square, present—across the counter to Alex. It looks suspiciously like a jewelry box. Then Alex peels off the paper, and my heart sinks— That’s exactly what it is.

  Ben gave her jewelry, and judging from the way Alex’s eyes go wide when she opens the box, it’s really nice, expensive jewelry. Not the kind of present you’d give to a friend. Now that I’m paying attention, he looks different talking to Alex— It hits me like a hammer. This is what Ben looks like when he’s flirting, when he’s into a girl. And he’s never looked at me like that.

  My stomach twists. I’ve been so stupid. There was a reason he didn’t kiss me last week, and it wasn’t because he’s too shy to make the first move. He just wanted to be kissing Alex.

  I don’t know how I missed it, the way he smiles at her and how his gaze follows every move she makes. Heat flushes my face, and my eyes sting. How could he string me along like that? Maybe he didn’t make a move, but we have something. Had something. Sean said he wouldn’t have ended up there with me if he didn’t want to be there. It wasn’t all in my head— There was a moment when we almost kissed.

  So what the fuck?

  On the other side of the glass, it gets worse. Alex digs through her bag and produces a flyer before passing it across to Ben. He’s smiling and nodding. It doesn’t matter what I was planning tonight, because now he has plans with her.

  I’m too numb to even notice he’s leaving the shop until he emerges onto the sidewalk, blinking at me. “Hey, Hannah. What’s up?”

  “What’s up?” I echo.

  His eyes widen, and he takes half a step back, like he’s been caught at something. “Is everything okay?”

  I step forward, throwing my arms wide. “You tell me. What’s been going on here? Because I thought I knew, but it looks like I’m really wrong.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You and me.”

  “We’re friends,” he says, his voice turning defensive. I was hanging on by a thread, but his words—that word—pushes me over the edge. I don’t want to cry in front of him, but tears roll down my cheeks, and I can’t hold them back.

  “Friends,” I scoff. “What almost happened last week in my room was not something friends do.”

  His eyes cut away. He shifts uncomfortably and rubs the back of his neck. “Look, Hannah, I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong idea, but I’m really into Alex. I have been since before I met you.”

  Every word lands like a punch to the gut. How am I still standing upright? “Since before you met me? That was months ago. You’ve had this thing for her, but you’ve been spending all your time with me?”

  “It’s complicated,” he protests.

  “Oh, it’s complicated? It didn’t seem very complicated to me, but I guess that’s because you didn’t tell me everything.”

  His face flames. “I’m sorry if you’ve developed feelings for me. Maybe it’s just because I’m older than you and—”

  “Oh, don’t pull that bullshit on me! I’m a freshman, not some little kid.”

  “You’re on a different planet,” he says. “Let’s face it. We’re in really different places in our lives. What do we even have in common besides a few books we read together?”

  What do we have in common? I thought we had everything in common. All those nights we spent talking—and not just about the books—meant so much to me. But maybe Ben was just humoring the poor girl who doesn’t read. What was this to him? Some fun distraction while he mustered up the courage to go after the girl he really wanted? Every time he picked out a book for me, it felt special, personal. Maybe he was just doing his job.

  In science, boys have always written me off because I look so young. I really thought Ben was different, but I guess not. I thought we’d been building something great together, but apparently, I’ve just been an annoying little girl tagging along after him. Well, that’s done.

  “Whatever. Think of me as a kid if it makes you feel like less of a coward.”

  His eyes light up with anger. “A coward? Where do you get that?”

  “Hiding behind this friendship with me when the whole time you really wanted someone else.”

  “And you’re so brave, huh?” he snaps. “Have you told your dad about chemistry yet?”

  I reel back. I shared all my insecurities about school with him because I thought we were friends, because I thought we might be more—not so he could throw it back in my face. But I was as wrong about that as I have been about everything else. “Have you told your dad about grad school?” I snap back.

  His jaw works as he grinds his teeth together.

  “Yeah, I didn’t think so. You know what? Forget it. I was obviously wrong about everything.”

  He raises a hand half-heartedly. “Hannah—”

  “Good luck, Ben.” I gesture to Alex making a latte inside, oblivious to all this drama. “With everything.”

  Then I turn and run. He calls my name, but I don’t stop. Not until I’m out of downtown, back across the bridge, across campus, and in my dorm room. Then I fall across my bed and cry until there’s nothing left.

  Chapter Eleven

  Hannahr />
  “You’re so lucky—look at these gorgeous lashes. Usually only the boys get long lashes like this.” Jasmine swipes the mascara wand one more time and leans back to examine her handiwork. “Much better. Can’t even tell you’ve been crying.”

  I sigh. “I’m still not sure going out tonight is the best idea.”

  She plants her hands onto her hips and scowls. “There’s no way I’m letting you wallow in your misery over that boy all night. You’re going to dress up, get out there, get yourself a drink or two, and get busy getting over him.”

  I swallow around the lump in my throat. “It’s not that easy.”

  “Of course it’s not. But fake it till you make it, Hannah. Pretend you’re fine and eventually you will be. You’ll be surprised how well that works. Now turn around so I can get started on your hair.”

  Obediently, I swivel in the chair, facing the mirror as Jasmine goes at my hair with a curling iron. She’s right; I don’t look like I’ve been crying all afternoon. She put some sort of cream on my eyes that made the puffiness vanish. And she’s a master with makeup.

  I stare at my reflection, my pale face, my high, wide-set cheekbones, and my pointed chin. Jasmine calls my face “heart-shaped,” but I call it a liability. It’s a girl’s face, not a woman’s. My lips don’t help, the top one wide and fuller than the bottom. And forget about my eyes. My long lashes make me look like an innocent little girl playing a grown-up.

  This afternoon, I was shaking and full of energy and so damn angry. Now I’m just exhausted. I’m nothing at all like leggy, gorgeous, going-to-law-school Alex. Maybe Ben’s more into the law school thing than he let on. Knowing now how he feels about Alex, it all starts to make sense.

  Alex is beautiful, smart, and driven, just like Jasmine. She and Ben are headed in the same direction in life. It’s no wonder he’s so into her.

  I’m just…me. Doe-eyed and too young. I haven’t read anything, I haven’t been anywhere, and I don’t know anything, especially not what I’m going to do with my life. I’m just ordinary, uninteresting, entirely insufficient Hannah.