by Kate Hardy
The goldfish did her bidding.
‘Just as well it happened after I asked him in for a drink and he said no. Otherwise... Oh, for pity’s sake.’ She gave George another pea. ‘Right, that’s the end of your treats for today. I don’t want to overfeed you and give you swim bladder.’ She sighed and put the box of goldfish treats back in the fridge. ‘I’m such an idiot,’ she told the fish when she came back. ‘I haven’t dated anyone since Johnny, and I don’t need to. I’m quite happy with my life as it is, and coming home to just you. But when I nearly fell over and Jamie caught me... We were quite close to kissing, right in the middle of the skating rink. He was definitely looking at my mouth.’
She plugged her phone into her speaker dock. ‘I was just as bad. I did all that staring-at-the-mouth thing right back at him, and I actually wanted him to kiss me. And now I feel such a fool, and I hope I haven’t wrecked our working relationship.’ She grimaced. ‘I’ll just have to apologise to him tomorrow, tell him I don’t know what on earth came over me, and explain that I’m really not looking for a relationship and he’ll be perfectly safe with me in future. And I hope he’ll still let me teach him about the magic of Christmas, or I really am going to have to practise a deep, booming voice and wear the red suit and beard myself. I hate to think I might be letting the kids down.’
George swam up and down his tank, as if in sympathy.
‘Righty. There’s only one way to get rid of feeling stupid and miserable,’ she said, hit ‘play’, and started singing and dancing along to her favourite Wham! songs.
* * *
On Friday morning, she walked into work, wondering just how she was going to face Jamie on the ward. Maybe he’d be in Theatre today. Or maybe she’d get some good ideas after a cup of coffee.
But when she checked her clinic list, she knew she wasn’t going to get away with it. Eleven-year-old Lily Brown had been one of Nalini’s favourite patients, and she was a favourite with Anna, too. Lily had scoliosis, and they’d worked with her for years, first with a plaster cast to help straighten her spine and then with a brace.
Now Lily was facing surgery, because despite the brace the curve in her spine was getting worse. She’d had the MRI scan last week, and a pre-op assessment a couple of days before to check her blood pressure and her pulse, and an ECG to check that her heart was fine. There weren’t any contra-indications, so surgery looked like the best option.
Just as Anna was working through her checklist, there was a knock on her open door. She glanced up to see Jamie standing there.
In a suit rather than scrubs, he looked absolutely delicious.
And that was the most inappropriate thought she’d had all morning. It had to stop. Now. Because they were absolutely not getting together.
‘Hi,’ he said. ‘I see you already have coffee. I was going to offer to make you one.’
‘Thanks, but I’m fine.’
‘I was wondering if we could have a chat about Lily Brown before her appointment,’ he said, ‘and if you can get me up to speed. I saw from the notes that you’ve been working with her for years.’
And, just like that, it was easy again. They could focus on work. On their patient. They could ignore anything personal between them and simply concentrate on making a difference to the people who really mattered. She could almost have kissed him—if it wasn’t for the fact that a kiss had caused all the awkwardness between them in the first place.
‘Sure,’ she said. ‘Go grab yourself a coffee and I’ll meet you in the consulting room with her scans.’
By the time she’d finished getting him up to speed with Lily’s case, it was time to start clinic and she called Lily and her mother in.
‘Lily, Heather,’ she said, ‘this is Mr Thurston, who’s covering Nalini’s maternity leave and is going to do the operation next week.’
‘I’m Jamie,’ he said, shaking their hands in turn. ‘It’s good to meet you, Lily and Mrs Brown.’
‘Call me Heather,’ Lily’s mum said. ‘We’re practically permanent fixtures here and I prefer first names.’
‘Heather,’ Jamie said with a smile. ‘OK. I’ve reviewed your MRI scan, Lily, from the base of your brain to the bottom of your spine, and there aren’t any other problems we need to worry about. The special X-rays you had taken last week have shown me the flexibility of your spine and where I need to operate, and you passed your pre-op assessment with flying colours.’
Lily bit her lip. ‘I wish Santa really existed,’ she said, ‘and that he’d bring me a new back so I didn’t have to have an operation and make Mum worry so much about me.’
‘This is the next best thing to a new back,’ Jamie said, ‘and I’ve done this operation a few times now, so I promise your mum doesn’t have to worry. The team here is great, so you’ll be in safe hands.’
‘Is it going to hurt?’ Lily asked.
‘You’ll be asleep while I operate, so you definitely won’t feel any pain then,’ Jamie said. ‘Has anyone talked you through exactly what’s going to happen?’
Lily shook her head.
‘OK. I’ll talk you through it, and then if there’s anything I haven’t covered you can ask me. On Sunday night, you’ll come in to the hospital and stay here overnight. I’m afraid you won’t be able to have anything to eat after about seven o’clock, which means no breakfast on Monday. Then you’ll come to Theatre and I’ll be there to meet you,’ he said. ‘We’ll give you a pre-med to make you sleepy, put some special cream on the back of your hand so you won’t feel the needle going in for the anaesthetic, and then we’ll give you the anaesthetic so you won’t be awake during the surgery. And there will be a whole team of us looking after you in Theatre.’
He ticked off the team roles on his fingers. ‘There will be the anaesthetist, who makes sure you stay asleep; the radiographer, who takes X-rays of your spine while you’re asleep; a neurologist, who will be looking after your spinal cord during the surgery; and a team of nurses and another surgeon to help me.’
Lily looked thoughtful. ‘Will you be there, Anna?’
‘No, I’ll be on the ward,’ Anna said, ‘but I’ll come to see you afterwards.’
‘Though Anna is very welcome to come into Theatre to see what I’m doing, if she has time between seeing her other patients,’ Jamie said. ‘The operation I’m going to do is something called a spinal fusion.’ He took the model of a spine from the corner of the room. ‘You probably already know these bones here are called vertebrae. I’m going to put wires and screws into your vertebrae and connect them to a rod so the curved bones will grow straighter, and then I’ll put a bone graft over the wires and screws. Over the next year, the bone graft will grow with the existing bone in your spine and your spine will be straighter.’
Lily nodded.
‘Is there anything you’d like to know?’ he asked.
‘Will it hurt?’
‘You’ll feel a bit sore after the surgery,’ he said, ‘but in a few months’ time your back won’t hurt as much as it does now. Yes, you will still get back pain every so often, but it won’t be anywhere near as bad as it is now, and everyone gets a bit of back pain from time to time.’
‘And I’ll get taller?’
‘You’ll get taller,’ he confirmed. ‘Actually, you’ll get taller during the operation. If you get your mum to measure you on the day of the op and mark it on your bedroom doorframe, then do the same when you’re back home after the op, you’ll be able to see exactly how much difference it’s made.’
‘And my back will be straight?’
‘Straighter,’ he said. ‘You’ll still have a little bit of a curve, but it’ll be much less noticeable.’
‘What happens after the surgery?’ Heather asked.
‘The anaesthetist will wake Lily up,’ he said, ‘and then you can see her. She’ll go to the High Dependency Unit for a day or so, but then we ca
n move her to the ward.’ He smiled at Lily. ‘You might feel a bit sick after the anaesthetic, but it will pass. And we’ll give you painkillers so you won’t be too sore.’
‘How long will I have to stay in hospital?’ Lily asked.
‘Probably for about a week after your surgery,’ he said. ‘You’ll gradually get more mobile. Walk a little bit every day and listen to what your physio says, because keeping moving will help you recover better. You’ll be back at school probably about six weeks after your surgery.’
‘So I’m not going to miss much?’
‘No. And your friends can visit you on the ward, if you want.’
‘It’s a good idea to have a rota,’ Anna said, ‘so you get lots of people coming in to see you. And definitely have music and your phone, so you’ve got something to do. Having a headphone splitter would be good, because then you and your friends can listen to the same thing.
‘We’ll get one over the weekend,’ Heather said. ‘Is there anything else?’
‘Pyjamas that button up the front, because they’re easier to get on after the operation,’ Anna said. ‘Loose tops are best because they’ll be more comfortable on the dressing. And you might find your lips and your face get a bit dry, Lily, so bring some moisturiser and lip balm.’ She smiled. ‘Your hair is lovely, but you might find it gets knotty, so I’d recommend having it in a plait rather than a ponytail or a bun.’
‘And make sure you drink lots of fluids,’ Jamie added. ‘You might find in the first couple of days that light foods are easier to deal with—things like jelly, custard and yoghurts.’
‘Pineapple,’ Lily said with a smile. ‘I love pineapple.’
‘Me, too,’ Jamie said. ‘Does that answer all your questions, Lily, or is there anything else? And nothing’s too small or too silly. You can ask me whatever you like. I want you to feel comfortable coming in for the operation.’
Lily thought about it. ‘No. Though I’m a bit scared.’ She looked at her mother. ‘In case I don’t wake up.’
‘You’ll wake up,’ Jamie reassured her. ‘There are support groups. Maybe you can go onto one of the forums and talk to the people there; you’ll meet lots of people who had the same operation at your age. They can tell you all sorts of tips and what it feels like after the operation, so it won’t be so scary for you.’ He quickly looked something up on the Internet, scribbled the website address down on a page of a reporter’s notebook, then tore off the page and gave it to her. ‘This is a good place to start. I’ll see you on Monday morning, then, and if you’ve got anything else you’re worrying about, just tell me.’
The rest of the clinic flew by, and then it was time for their break.
‘Want to join me for lunch?’ Jamie asked.
As colleagues? She could do that. ‘Thanks. That’d be good.’
They headed for the canteen, bought lunch and found a quiet table.
‘You were really good with Lily this morning, especially with those practical suggestions. I wouldn’t have thought of them.’
She shrugged. ‘You’re a surgeon, and I work on the ward. I know what the aftercare’s like, that’s all. In my shoes you’d do the same.’
‘But I saw your face in that consultation. Her case has really got to you, hasn’t it?’
She nodded. ‘That bit where she said she wished Father Christmas would bring her a new back for Christmas. I really wish I had a magic wand, sometimes, so I could really fix things.’
‘We do the best we can,’ Jamie said quietly. ‘And that’s the key thing. We do make a difference, Anna.’
‘I know.’ And she needed to finish clearing the air between them. ‘Jamie, I want to apologise for last night.’
‘No apology necessary.’
She rather thought he was just being nice. ‘I want us to be able to work together, so I need to be honest with you. I’m not looking for a relationship. Last night, I think all the romance of the skating rink got to me—the tree, the lights and the music.’
‘Uh-huh.’ He didn’t look convinced.
And now for the rest of it. ‘I’m going to tell you something now, but I want you to promise me first that you’re not going to pity me.’
That got his attention. He looked straight at her. ‘I promise, but you don’t have to tell me anything.’
‘No, I need to explain why I’m sticking just to friendships with people in future.’ She swallowed hard. ‘You know I said everyone in my family seems to hit thirty and have a baby?’
He nodded.
‘That was the plan for me, too. My biological clock was ticking madly when I was twenty-eight, and over the next year my husband and I agreed I’d stop taking the Pill. The idea was that we’d wait three months to clear all the drugs from my system, then start trying for a baby.’ And that was the sticky bit.
‘Except my periods didn’t actually come back. I did a couple of pregnancy tests, in case we’d slipped up and I was actually already pregnant—that happened to one of my friends—but the tests were all negative.’ The disappointment had almost choked her. ‘And then, when my period still didn’t turn up, I started to wonder if something might be wrong with me. I spent a fortune on ovulation kits to see if my periods were just so super-light that I wasn’t noticing them, but the tests all said I wasn’t even ovulating.
‘That’s when I went to see my doctor, and he suggested we start by testing levels of my follicle-stimulating hormone. You’re supposed to do the test on the fourth day of your cycle but, because we hadn’t got a clue when my cycle actually was, he suggested doing a couple of tests six weeks apart. They both showed raised levels of FSH, and that confirmed that my ovaries had stopped working. My doctor diagnosed premature ovarian insufficiency. Fortunately I didn’t have any of the other symptoms of menopause—no hot flushes, no mood swings, no night sweats—but the only way I was going to have a baby was with IVF and a donor egg. Which my husband didn’t want to do.’
Jamie frowned. ‘He didn’t want to consider adoption or fostering?’
‘He wanted an uncomplicated, very average pregnancy with a baby at the end of it. Which I couldn’t give him. So he found someone who could.’ She shrugged. ‘It would’ve been nice if he’d ended our marriage first, but there you go.’
Jamie blinked. ‘Your husband had an affair?’
‘Yes. He knew he’d behaved badly, and that kind of made him worse—he was trying to justify himself.’ She grimaced. ‘And he did that by making me feel that no reasonable man would ever want to be with me because I wasn’t able to have kids.’
‘That’s horrible, and it’s also untrue.’
‘I know, but it did mess with my head a bit for a while,’ she admitted. ‘But I’ve come to terms with it, now. And I’m really lucky. I have six nieces and nephews, and I’ve got a feeling that Jojo and Becky are getting broody again now that Noah’s turned two. So there are lots of children in my life and I’m very happy to be a hands-on aunt. My brothers and sister all include me in family days out, and so do my friends, so I get to do all the things I would’ve done with my own kids. I just don’t get all the broken nights and the tantrums and the super-evil nappies to go with them, and I won’t get all the teenage angst and slammed doors and being told that I’ve ruined someone’s life.’ She smiled. ‘There has to be an upside, right?’
* * *
Jamie rather thought that smile was forced; he could see there was still a kernel of hurt in her eyes. But now he understood what made her tick.
‘Thank you for being so honest with me.’
‘I just wanted you to know why I’m really not looking for a relationship. I’ve come to terms with my condition and I’m fine about it.’
‘Your ex is a piece of...’ He bit the words back.
‘Yeah. His photograph ended up on a dartboard or two,’ she said, ‘and my brothers and my sister all wanted to go and pun
ch him.’
‘I think I want to punch him, too, right now.’
She shook her head. ‘Violence doesn’t solve anything. He was as hurt as I was by the situation, but he just didn’t deal with it very well.’
‘Which makes you a very noble person for not hating him for what he did.’
‘I’m not that noble—I’m the one who put his photo on the dartboard,’ she said. ‘But actually I do feel a bit sorry for him. He really wanted a baby, and I think he kind of rushed into that relationship. They’re not together any more and his ex is being a bit awkward about letting him see his daughter.’
Jamie stared at her in surprise. ‘What? He told you all about that and expected you to be sympathetic?’
‘No, his mum told me.’ She smiled. ‘I know there’s this stereotype of the awful, interfering mother-in-law, but Maggie’s lovely and we always got on really well. We stayed friends after the divorce and we have a catch-up lunch every so often. We just tend to avoid the subject of her son. I mean, it’s not her fault that Johnny turned into a selfish toad. She didn’t bring him up to be that way and she was so angry with him for the way he treated me. And the only reason I know about his situation now is because he’s been living back with his parents since his ex dumped him. His mum had to rearrange one of our lunch dates so we could avoid me having to see him, and that’s when it all came out.’
He thought about it. Despite the pain her ex had caused her, Anna had stayed in touch with his family. Whereas Jamie barely saw Hestia’s parents or her sister, thinking it would be too painful for all of them; he would simply be a physical reminder of their loss. If Anna hadn’t married him and fallen pregnant with Giselle, she wouldn’t have had eclampsia, wouldn’t have had that fatal haemorrhage, and she’d still be alive. But now, hearing Anna talk about her former in-laws, he could see a different side. Maybe they were lonely. Maybe seeing him would’ve given them a chance to talk about their daughter and sister, keep her alive in their heads. Guilt flooded through him. He should have made more effort with them; and he definitely shouldn’t have shut his own family out.
