by Sara DeHaven
Too soon, she felt the small movements that told her Daniel was waking up. She should probably do something sane like try to read him and make sure he was stable enough to be around, but she still inexplicably couldn’t muster up the worry that would get her to do it. Instead, she moved so she could look at him again, and found his face turned to hers, his eyes open.
There was a long moment when they just looked at each other, then he raised a hand, brushed a strand of her hair away from her face. Then slowly, carefully, he lowered his lips to hers in a gentle kiss. He’d given her enough time to pull away if she wanted to, but she didn’t want to. It seemed a strangely natural thing for him to do, all of a piece with what had to be her psyche’s refusal to really let in what had happened last night, what it meant.
Daniel sighed as he ended the kiss and lowered his head back to the floor. Bree cuddled back into him, unwilling to say anything that might change the mood. They lay together some little while longer. Bree finally mustered the will to essay a tiny little tendril of a read. Her abused Reader sense protested, but she was reassured to feel that, at least at the surface level, Daniel felt to her much as he had before his break last night.
He was the first to move, to break the spell of the dawn. He untangled his leg from hers, unwound his arm from around her, and sat up, scratching at the sides of his hair with both hands. He went to rub his hands over his face, and Bree saw him flinch as one hand went over the swollen, bruised abrasion on one cheek from where she had kicked him. Bree winced after he did in sympathy and guilt. She copied his efforts, and got herself groaningly into a sitting position. Well, at least she could definitely move at this point. And shortly after that thought occurred, she began to feel how very hungry she was.
Still without a word, Daniel got to his feet, and pulled her to hers with an outstretched hand. She opened her mouth to speak, but he held up a hand and said, “Food first. Well, food and bathroom first. I feel… much more myself. I think it’s okay if you’re here long enough to eat.” Bree nodded agreement. He gallantly let her use the closer upstairs bathroom while he went to use the downstairs one.
Bree washed her face, did her best to brush her teeth with her forefinger and a squirt of Daniel’s toothpaste, and finger combed her hair. She still felt weak, so much so that she seriously doubted she’d be able to work today, which sucked. She went gingerly down the stairs and met Daniel in the kitchen, where he already had out some toast, jam and butter and some tea steeping. She was grateful that he only had the lights under the top cupboards on, making a little oasis of the kitchen, and sparing them facing each other in brighter light. It suited the quiet mood, as did the earliness of the day. It was still barely light out, another darkly overcast morning in March. She fell on the toast and tea while he cracked a great many eggs into some butter in a frying pan and scrambled them up. Bree had gotten through two pieces of bread and a cup and a half of tea by the time he produced the eggs, and they both went through the rest of their breakfast in silence. The sense of a normal couple waking up together gradually wore off for Bree in spite of the domestic scene. Any moment, they would have to start talking, and she dreaded it. But she gathered her courage and started after one more fortifying sip of tea. “So about last night,” she began.
“Wouldn’t it be nice if you were about to say something normal like, ‘About what I said last night when we had a fight’ instead of, ‘About last night, when you almost turned into a murderer,” Daniel interrupted, leaning back in his chair, long legs extended straight out in front of him. His tone was light, but his eyes were watchful, his posture guarded.
“Well, yeah, about that,” Bree soldiered on. She utterly related to his desire to have a normal conversation, but there was no way this could be one, and she wanted to get it over with. “When I was working on you, I think I saw a way that maybe this divided thing could be resolved. I think if Gelsenim were to help me again when my energy is recharged, there’s at least a chance we can fix this thing. I want to try.”
“Of course I would love it if whatever is wrong with me could be resolved, but I have to say, it seemed to me like you used up a dangerous amount of base energy last night. Just how risky would such an experiment be for you?”
Bree knew good and well it was dangerous. There had been some very bad moments last night, and on one level, she really did not relish the idea of trying to do something like that again. Still, she tried to make her case. “I’d be working under different circumstances, when I’ve had more time to think about my approach. If we’re able to start out with you in your current state, rather than when you’ve already been, um, triggered, I think it will take less energy and be less dangerous.”
Daniel shook his head. “Less dangerous to start, maybe. But I see significant danger in two ways. And the most obvious one is that I have another one of those breaks in the middle of it.”
“I fixed the one last night.”
“At what cost? And how close did you come to losing yourself in the read? You aren’t the first person to try to help someone mentally or emotionally compromised with Reader ability. Surely you must know that Readers have ended up damaged or in a coma themselves, or even dead after some of those attempts. And I doubt that any of the patients had my level of power or my particular problem.”
“If we got Kevin to ward, and Bruce and Sophie to help again…”
“I really don’t think that’s going to be sufficient protection. I didn’t have time to try it last night, but consider that all I’d have to do would be to Bind all of you, and you’d be vulnerable to anything else I might be moved to do after that. And judging from last night, I’m basically horrified about what I might do.”
He was strangely calm as he spoke the words, and he was making perfectly valid points, but Bree also felt, strongly, that if she just had more time and space to experiment, she could crack this thing, at least so long as Gelsenim continued to be helpful and informative. Which spurred a thought. “Maybe Gelsenim has some idea of how to help contain you if that were to happen. For one thing, almost any demon you might call in that state would be less powerful than he is, so he could master the demon even if I couldn’t.”
“I know we’ve seen him master other demons before, but we don’t know enough about his capacities in that area. I’d want to talk to him first in any case. What do you suppose he’d have to tell me about how dangerous what you did last night was?”
Bree looked away from him involuntarily, and she could feel her face reddening. Damn it, how did he know? And if he hadn’t known, her reaction would have given it away. In any case, Gelsenim would rat her out in a heartbeat, because she was fairly sure he wouldn’t be keen to risk himself again.
“That bad, eh?” Daniel said dryly.
“Hey, I lived, you lived, Gelsenim lived. In fact, even though I couldn’t move when it was over, I was still conscious,” she replied defensively. “And,” she went on as her conversation with Gelsenim started to replay in her head, “he did say something interesting. Actually, he said a lot of interesting things, but the one that made me think about was where he told me he was afraid to help me because it might ‘end’ him. I thought demons were basically immortal.”
A hint of curiosity enlivened Daniel’s face. “We don’t really have any idea if they are or aren’t. We haven’t found any way to do more than banish them, and when we have been able to get them to answer questions coherently, they tend to tell us they’ve been around for years, even centuries in some cases. But I’ve never known for sure what to make of that. Is it really the same demons coming back over and over, or are they just using the same names? I’ve tended to think they’re long lived at the very least. But if there is some way to end them completely, well, that’s something we’ve been trying to find out, isn’t it?”
Bree had been very much interested in doing demon research with Daniel in order to get rid of their presence entirely. She had risked a lot in order to do that. But she found that she wasn’t so s
ure she wanted Gelsenim ended. She tried to work through that thought out loud. “I know that's something we should try to find out more about. But something else happened with Gelsenim that occurred to some degree before. The longer he was with me, the more intelligent and helpful he became. He started out last night possessing you and seeming like a typical demon, trying to encourage all kinds of fear and mayhem, and by the end, he’d turned into a philosopher, debating concepts of good and evil. He told me that when he’s free of the hunger, he gains clarity and it’s easier to have thoughts, that it’s something he hasn’t had much of since he was joined with the Seldenai. In fact, he also told me it started with you. That your desire to have him answer questions and for him to take a particular form helped him recover some of that clarity.”
Daniel straightened in his seat. “You know, that fits with what we theorized last year. Remember how we were wondering if he was responding involuntarily to my wishes? That he somehow wanted to please me?”
“He definitely seems interested in pleasing me. I think mostly to be able to justify spending more time possessing me, but last night, there was a moment when I basically asked him to risk himself for me, and he did it. When I think how relatively little time he’s spent with me, it really makes me wonder how he might change if he had more. And if he can change, if he can become helpful, does that mean other demons can?”
“A good question. I don’t think it follows necessarily, of course. Gelsenim is a higher level demon. It’s almost always the case that more powerful ones show more intelligence. I’ve wondered since we learned about their symbiosis with the Seldenai if the high level ones are all old enough to have joined with the Seldenai. The newer ones, the ones Gelsenim tells us are born from taint and are younger, may not be capable of the kind of connection Gelsenim seems to be developing with you.”
Bree shuddered involuntarily. “The idea that I’m developing a connection with a demon is revolting. All my previous experience with demons tells me that would be a terrible thing. But I have to admit that it hasn’t felt all that terrible with Gelsenim. He still has his violent impulses, but he can be incredibly helpful. What worries me is how good it feels to have him possess me. I feel like I have more power. No, I definitely do have more power. And I still seem to not be negatively affected by the possession.”
“I wish I knew it was safe to read you, to check on that, and to just generally check your base and will energy levels. But I think any kind of psychic messing around right now would be a bad idea.”
“You seem very, well, normal this morning, Daniel. I keep forgetting to be worried about you. This feels like the dozen other conversations we’ve had about demons. But how do you feel inside? Do you feel different?” It was the thing Bree had meant to ask before, should have asked first thing this morning on waking.
Daniel took a breath, and his eyes went unfocused as he took stock.
“I feel… tired. And depressed.” He gave a short, humorless laugh. “I guess I deserve to be depressed after what happened, but maybe it’s a sign that the darker energy is up. But I don’t feel edgy or close to losing control, like I did last night. As bad as it got, I will say at least this time, I kind of saw it coming. When we were doing the exorcism on that kid Geoff at the church, I had no warning when I dropped my wards and let the demon in. This time I could feel some kind of internal pressure building up, something to do with being so angry. It makes me feel like maybe I have a chance to keep it in check somehow. Maybe I need to avoid strong emotions.”
“I find it strange that only some strong emotions seem to make you vulnerable,” Bree offered thoughtfully. “I’ve seen you under a lot of stress, including battle stress, and that doesn’t usually seem to do it unless demon contact is also involved. It seems like personal stress is worse.”
Daniel blushed. It was all too obvious that the threat to her had been a big button pusher for him. And last year, he’d seemed undermined by his contact with Franchesca as well, especially when he'd still hoped she could somehow be salvaged. “I know I told you that I understood you don't trust me, that it was in the way of our having a relationship,” he said, looking off to one side, unable to meet her eyes. “And it was proven beyond a doubt last night that you can't trust me. But I can’t just turn off my feelings for you, Bree. I’ve tried. I know that means I’m giving you mixed signals. And you, well you haven’t exactly been consistent towards me either.”
“I know I give you mixed signals too,” she admitted. She was still feeling stiff, and shifted uncomfortably on her chair. “Maybe if this divided thing were clearer, if life would just slow down a little, give us some time, both of us would have some tiny little chance in hell to get our heads on straight.”
“That’s what I need, Bree. I need time. Time away from you, time away from everyone. I need to do some research, see if anything like this divided thing has been described before, do more research on unusual forms of the demon burn effect on Demon Masters. I need time to see if I can figure out how to be less susceptible to these breakdowns. Having you dive in on some potentially lethal experiment is not our only option here. Maybe at some point I’ll let you try it, under the right circumstances, but not right now.”
“But there may not be time!” Bree protested, reaching out and laying her hand over his. “Apparently, we’ve already waited too long to make this divided thing a priority.”
His hand turned under hers until he was holding her hand. “I am making it a priority, trust me. I’m just not agreeing that your way of addressing it is the best way.” He bowled right over her words when she tried to interrupt, and now he was looking at her directly, trying to pound his conviction into her. “I’m not going to give in on this one. I’m not going to risk you unnecessarily." He let go of her hand. "Please try to remember that I've managed to be a stable, functioning person for most of my life. I’ve had nothing like these kinds of problems before, and I’m not convinced the condition isn’t simply reversible by avoiding certain kinds of stimulus. This pattern has a lot in common with the decline of Demon Masters. It may not be exactly the same thing, but it may be similar enough that some of what helps with that will help here.”
“I thought it was basically inevitable that Demon Masters eventually lose it,” Bree replied worriedly.
“They lose it if they use the talent. Think about it. When the Ecclesias identifies a Demon Master, if they survive having all their powers burned out of them, they don’t go crazy. The problem is that very few Demon Masters voluntarily forgo demon contact, like someone whose had it taken out of them do. For one thing, until you learn to control it, you call demons without meaning to. And once you call them, unless you’re very strong, they possess you. You yourself were just describing how seductive that is. It’s a kind of addiction cycle, a powerful one. Keltoi Demon Masters believe that if they use the ability intelligently, respecting how dangerous it is, they can keep control."
He pushed a hand through his hair, his usual nervous tic. "For the most part, that’s a myth. It’s like saying you can control using heroin. Maybe there is the odd outlier who can manage only occasional use, but it doesn’t happen much. And at least heroin isn’t coming to you to be used, the way demons are. What I’m really getting at here is that there’s evidence that lack of demon contact can, up to a point, turn around the destabilization process. I’ve been the one insisting that I need to do this demon research. Up until recently, I’ve managed it pretty well. But obviously I can’t afford to do that anymore, not right now anyway. And I can’t do exorcisms. Like I said, I need time alone. I’ve got to reduce all the problematic input, try to reset my internal system. And maybe I can find some way to fix the problem permanently.”
“How long are you thinking you'll need?” Bree asked. She leaned forward and started stacking up the empty dishes and cups.
“I’m guessing several weeks, just as a start. I’ll have to see how far I get.”
“What if you start to have problems again? Will y
ou call me?”
Daniel hesitated a long time over that one. “I can’t promise that,” he finally concluded.
Bree wanted to argue more, but she sensed that at this point, for today at least, he was not going to be moved. “How shall I get in touch with you if I get more information from Gelsenim?”
“I think email would be best,” he told her steadily. Bree’s heart sank as it finally got through to her that she wasn’t going to be seeing him for some time. She found she didn’t like it, not least because she wanted to be able to monitor his situation, wanted a chance to convince him to try her experiment. That probably said something about her own level of stability, that she was still willing to take the risk of being around him.
But it wasn’t truly her choice to make. It was his mind, his life they were talking about. She had to concede that if nothing else. She took a moment to wrestle her concern for him down to the mat, at least far enough down that she could bear to do as he asked. “All right,” she answered as she stood up. “I guess that’s my cue to leave.”
He followed her to the front door where she put on her coat and draped her purse over her shoulder. Then they faced each other awkwardly. Bree didn’t feel right just walking away, but given what he’d just been saying, she didn’t think she should hug him either. He made the decision for her by bending to her and giving her another slow, lingering, chaste kiss on the lips. “Go now,” he whispered, and she turned, with great and burning reluctance, and left.
