by Jess Bentley
When I opened my arms, she slipped into them and nestled against me as though she was made to fit. I let out a long sigh, not even realizing I was holding my breath until the moment I released it. “We’re going to find her, and she’s going to be fine,” I said.
She looked up at me, and there were tears on her cheeks. “You can’t know that for sure.”
I cupped her face in mine. “Nothing else is acceptable. We have to bring her home safely.”
“What do you want me to do?”
I felt a sense of dread creep over me at the thought, but I didn’t feel like I had an alternative when I made the suggestion. “I’d like you to go spy on Ashe’s house. I need you to see if Elle is there with her, and since I doubt she’d recognize you or be expecting you, you could slip right under her radar.”
Lindsay frowned. “Don’t you think she would’ve called you if Elle showed up at her house?”
“That’s what a responsible adult would do, but we’re talking about Ashe. I don’t even know if she’d be sober if Elle does show up. When I made the decision to divorce Ashe, it was because I came home and found her unconscious on the couch with a needle still in her arm.”
Lindsay gasped.
“It gets worse,” I said, pressing on. “She was responsible for Elle that day, and there was no one else home. Elle was with her, pressing a wet cloth to her forehead to take care of her. When I finally got the nerve to ask her about it a few days later, she reluctantly admitted that wasn’t the first time Ashe had done that—it wasn’t the first time Elle had taken care of her. Ashe had made her promise not to tell me, because she said I would leave, and she had Elle convinced I wouldn’t take her along with me.”
Lindsay’s shock turned to anger. “That horrible woman. No wonder Elle doesn’t know how to be a little girl. She was so busy being a mother to her own mother that she didn’t have a childhood.”
I nodded. “So I can’t imagine she would actually go there, but I have to rule out the possibility. Will you please go look?”
Her shoulders squared, and she nodded. “Okay. Yes. How do you want me to handle it? Should I knock on the door?”
“Not right away. Observe from a distance, and then call me before you do anything else. We’ll figure out a plan together.”
I was so proud of her. Despite the fact it was out of my comfort zone, the fact that she was willing to do something risky for Elle because I had asked made my heart leap. It was difficult to let go of her, which sent warning bells pealing through my head.
I was becoming too reliant on Lindsay, and I knew it wasn’t just the situation this morning. It had been harder than I imagined it could ever be to carry her to her room last night and leave her there. I couldn’t risk Elle waking up and finding us together, and I didn’t want Lindsay to think there was more to us than one night. Despite all that, I held her in my arms for a good few hours until finally forcing myself to take her to her room. And now her sweet, soft body was in my arms again. The body that fit mine perfectly.
My thoughts of Lindsay were quickly consumed by fears for Elle, and the need to have her home. I didn’t want to send Lindsay mixed signals, but I couldn’t suddenly become aloof at the moment. Besides, I needed her. Not just because I needed her to spy on Ashe, but because I needed her support and strength. It was humbling, and unsettling.
CHAPTER 12
LINDSAY
I grabbed a jacket and hurried to the elevator. Usually a quick ride, this time it seemed to take forever. I drummed my fingers on the wall of the elevator until the doors finally opened. I hadn’t called Hector, and neither had Ben. I was reaching for my cell phone before I realized I couldn’t take the limousine anyway. Ashe might be suspicious if she saw a long black car driving past the house. If Elle had gone to her, I didn’t know how Ashe would respond. I’d like to think Ashe was still her mother and would welcome her with open arms, or at least keep her safe until Ben could get her, but I wasn’t confident. She might try to keep Elle to hurt Ben... once she realized we knew the girl was with her, she might try to take her away somewhere.
To be discreet, I took the subway. I was halfway to the stop that would get me nearest Elle’s new address, which Ben had given me on the way out, but I couldn’t settle in my seat. My brain was racing; my instincts were screaming that this was the wrong path to take. But I didn’t know what else to do.
Spying on Ashe was disquieting, but we had to know if Elle was there. Ben had asked me specifically to go there, and I couldn’t tell him no. It didn’t even have anything to do with the fact that we had slept together last night. It was basic human decency, along with my instincts responding to his vulnerability.
I also wanted Elle back where she belonged—at home.
I couldn’t understand why she had run away now. We seemed to be making progress, and this turn of events was frustrating and confusing. What had triggered her to run? I had been there for her as consistently as I’d been since the start when I moved in with the Hudsons. Maybe it had nothing to do with me, but I couldn’t help trying to dissect the situation and figure out if I was, in some way, to blame. Had Elle decided having me there wasn’t what she wanted after all? I might not be what she needed. Even so, I didn’t think she would logically decide the best solution was for her to leave instead of me. She could have just told Ben to get rid of me, so I didn’t think that was why she had run away.
Elle had seemed to be getting closer to her father again, and they’d spent a few evenings this past week holed up in his office either watching something together or with her working on homework as he did whatever work he brought home. It made me happy to see, because they needed to get close again. Elle needed to trust that he would be there for her, and he needed a strong bond with her.
I could think of nothing that had set her off, or had led to this decision to flee. Ever since the zoo last Saturday, she seemed more cheerful and secure. She’d even dropped a few hints about the nonexistent baby sister that she seemed to expect I would somehow provide for her. Was it tangled up with that? And she convinced herself there was something more between me and Ben and gotten discouraged when there was no proof of it?
Again, that seemed way too mature for a child her age. I was still no closer to figuring out why she left than I’d been when I had gotten on the subway.
I looked out the window, trying to clear my thoughts to start over, when a poster of the Ferris wheel at Coney Island caught my eye. I couldn’t look away for a minute, but I wasn’t certain why it was so compelling.
Abruptly, the conversation I’d had with Elle last week popped into my mind. She told me she missed her old neighborhood, before they had gotten so rich, and she especially missed going to the park. There was a small playhouse there she enjoyed taking her books into to read. Since she had only been four years old the last time she’d been there, I couldn’t imagine she’d been able to do much reading, but she insisted it was her favorite place in the whole world, and it was too far to go now.
Deciding that I had to take a chance, hoping she had somehow found her way there, I prepared to get off at the next stop. My father still lives at the old address where we lived next door to the Hudsons years ago. I had it memorized, but I didn’t remember where the parks were located there. I hadn’t been to a park in a long time—not since I had looked after Elle. We certainly hadn’t had time or inclination after my mother died.
The subway drew to a halt, and the doors opened. I joined the rush of people pressing their way through before taking a spot to the side on the platform. Looking at a map, I quickly scanned through the parks and figured out the one that would’ve been closest to Coney Island and still in the neighborhood of my dad’s apartment building, to be the likely candidate for the location of her playhouse. After that, I just had to figure out which train to take, and I was soon boarding another subway. I hoped she was there, and I hoped she was safe. I would do everything I could to talk her into coming home, but if she didn’t come willingly,
I would have to call Ben. I didn’t want to damage my relationship with Elle or make her mistrust me, but he was worried sick and would need to know as soon as possible where she was, and if she was safe.
As I slid my phone into my pocket, it made a beeping sound. I looked at it once more and frowned when I realized the battery was almost completely discharged. I should’ve plugged it in last night, but I’d been distracted by other things. If I was lucky, I’d have one emergency call, but that was about it.
CHAPTER 13
BEN
I paced around like a lion in a cage as I waited for someone to call me. My first instinct had been to run out and join the search, but Eric convinced me to stay at home so I could be there if Elle returned. She was going to need me if she did. At least I hoped she would, and that I wasn’t the reason she had run away. I’d no doubt contributed to whatever was bothering her, but I hoped I wasn’t to blame.
But I had to focus on Elle, and it no longer seemed as important to figure out the whys as it was to find her. We could, and would, talk later, but right now I had to focus like a laser on getting her back.
When my phone finally rang, I answered so fast I cut off the first notes. “Have you found her, Eric?”
“Not yet, Mr. Hudson. We’re still looking. I was just checking in to see if you’ve had any luck checking out your ex-wife. Did she have Elle?”
I let out a long sigh of frustration. “I haven’t heard anything back from the person I sent to check. I’ve called her a few times, and she’s not answering her phone.” I didn’t want to figure out if it was because I had lost touch with Lindsay, because it meant she couldn’t report about Ashe. I didn’t think Ashe would hurt her even if she did recognize her, but the fear was there in the back of my mind.
“We’ll keep at it, and I’ll check in again with you in a little while. If you hear back about Ashe, don’t forget to let me know, please.”
I hung up without bothering to reply, realizing how rude it was, but not caring. I was too busy trying to call Lindsay’s number yet again. It went straight to voicemail just as it had the last couple of times. Was her phone turned off? Was she okay?
Dozens of scenarios formed in my head, none of them good. I kept circling back to the idea that Lindsay must have approached Ashe upon seeing Elle with her, and Ashe hadn’t wanted to give Elle to Lindsay. I was worried she had hurt Lindsay or Elle in a drug-induced panic. It was all just imaginings without any basis in fact, but the idea was feeding my panic.
Before I really had time to think about it, I was calling Hector on my cell phone as I headed for the elevator. I arranged to meet him out front as I grabbed my jacket. I was in such a state of nervous tension that I briefly considered running down sixty-six flights of stairs, as though it would make me reach the ground faster. It was difficult, but I forced myself to stand and wait for the elevator, which took a surprising amount of patience.
When I reached the lobby. Bill called out to me, but all I could do was give him a vague wave as I ran for the limousine. I let myself in, having relayed Hector the urgency of the situation, and he was already driving before I even put on my seatbelt. “You remember Ashe’s address?” I asked him.
“Yes, sir. I drove her there after you bought the place for her, when she moved out of the Imperial.”
“That’s where we’re headed.”
“Yes, sir.”
I let go of the intercom button and leaned back against the leather seat, dialing Lindsay’s number over and over and still getting no response as we sped across the city.
By the time we reached Ashe’s place almost an hour later, I was frantic with worry for both Elle and Lindsay. I didn’t wait for Hector to open the door, just slid out and stomped up the steps of the brownstone. I pressed the button to signal my arrival with gritted teeth, wishing I could avoid contact with her.
“Hello?” She sounded sleepy.
“Ashe, this is Ben. Buzz me up.”
She sounded slurred, I realized, rather than sleepy, when she spoke. “Ben? What are you doing here?”
“Is Elle with you?”
To my surprise, the door buzzed open a second later, and I was able to step inside. It was a nice building, and I should know, because I paid for it. That had been part of the divorce settlement, but I considered it a negligible amount to be rid of her. I hurried through the marble foyer to the bank of elevators and took one to the fifth floor. It was far slower than the elevator in my building, and this time I wished I had run up the stairs. I marched down the hall as soon as it opened and barely pounded once on her door when she appeared.
In spite of my panic, I couldn’t help but stare at her for a moment. Ashe had always been a willowy blonde, but now she bordered on emaciated. Her cheekbones were sharp enough to cut glass, and there were bags under her eyes. Her normally silvery-blonde hair, which had been one of the first things I noticed about her and was actually natural, had started to gray. It looked dry yet oily and was on the dingy side. Despite the expensive clothes she wore, I knew right away she was using again, if she’d ever bothered to stop—beyond the pretense of going to rehab.
I stepped inside her apartment. She moved back a bit and regarded me archly.
“Why are you doing this to yourself, Ashe?”
She glared. “Mind your own business, asshole. You lost the right to have any opinion on my life when you kicked me out.”
“You were using drugs in front of our daughter, and it wasn’t the first time. I couldn’t let you stay. I had to keep her safe, even if it was from her own mother.”
She gave me a mocking sneer. “You sure have done an excellent job since you don’t even know where she is. She’s missing. What did she do, run away?”
I nodded once, bitterness filling my mouth and leaving a sour taste. Ashe was right. I hadn’t done a better job protecting her than my drug-addicted ex-wife had. “Is she with you?”
For just a moment, her expression softened showing her vulnerability. “Elle didn’t come to me. She hates me.”
“She doesn’t hate you.” I made the assurance automatically, but there was no confidence in my tone. I really didn’t know if Elle hated Ashe. I doubted she did, but she was angry and confused, and she felt abandoned. “Do you have any idea where she might be?”
Ashe shook her head. “Why would I? She doesn’t tell me anything.”
“That might change if you ever bothered to show up for her visitation.”
“They’re always watching me.”
I shrugged. “You have proven you aren’t trustworthy not to have supervised visitation. It’s the social worker’s job to watch you.”
She glared at me. “It’s so easy for you to judge. You aren’t there, and you don’t have to deal with strangers watching your every movement.”
“If I did, it wouldn’t keep me from visiting my daughter as often as possible. Ask if she hates you, and the truth is, I don’t know. If she does, it’s probably with good reason.” I regretted the words as I said them, realizing there was no satisfaction in lashing out at this poor woman. She was already broken enough that she didn’t need me to help her fall the rest of the way.
She screamed and ran at me, her fingers curled so she could claw my face. I managed to mostly block the blow, though I felt the sharp sting of her nails tear through the flesh of my cheek as I pushed her away. She kept coming, trying to hit me, so I grabbed her wrists and eased her away as carefully as I could. I was trying not to hurt her, but she wouldn’t calm down. Finally, I ended up pushing her against the wall and making her stay there until she dissolved into a fit of sobs. At that point, I let go, and she slowly slid down the wall. She looked up at me through the veil of tears in her eyes. “Just go away and never come back. You’ve already ruined my life.”
I flinched. “How did I ruin your life? All I ever did was work and try to make things better for all of us. I didn’t cheat on you, I wasn’t an addict or an alcoholic, and I didn’t beat you.”
“You
were never there. You weren’t there for me, and now you aren’t there for Elle either. I know what a mess I am, and I know how much I’ve screwed up Elle, but do you have any clue what you’ve done? You’re just as responsible for her being fucked up in the head as I am.”
“I wish I’d never met you.”
She let out a bitter laugh. “I make that wish just about every day.”
Shaking my head, I turned and strode from her apartment as her words worked their way beneath my skin. I tried to tell myself they were just ravings of a high, angry woman, but was there kernel of truth to her accusations? Had I destroyed Elle in some way by not being there for her? I refused to accept the blame for Ashe’s addiction, since Eric had learned during the divorce that she had been a user for years before we got married, but I couldn’t so easily cast aside the idea that I was to blame somehow for Elle’s problems too. I know the divorce had been rough on her, but it hadn’t been a picnic for me either.
As I made my way back to the limousine, finally sitting there in the seat and brooding, I examined my actions and winced when I realized that not much had changed on my end.
I had to admit it. There was some validity to Ashe’s accusation that I hadn’t been there enough. Even after the divorce, I hadn’t cut down my hours or found a way to make more time for Elle. I’d hired a couple of nannies who hadn’t lasted, before thrusting the problem mostly on Betsy and Margot, since Elle would sometimes listen to them. It had been easier to pretend like everything was fine, or on its way back to fine, because it meant I didn’t have to make any changes.
It was obvious now that once I had her home, I had to shift some priorities and focus more on Elle. She was far more important than the company I had built from scratch, and I needed to prove to her that she was the most important thing in my life. She might never get that reassurance from Ashe, but I didn’t want her doubting for one second that her father loved her with all his heart.
