by Jess Bentley
Lindsay would be there to support her as well, though that realization left me out of sorts. Keeping Lindsay around was a temptation I wasn’t sure I could withstand, but I didn’t want to fall in love again. My sole experience with Ashe had been a disaster, and we still had the ability to hurt each other even two years after our split. It wasn’t safe to love anyone, and I refused to do it. I didn’t want to hurt Lindsay, and I certainly didn’t want her to leave Elle, but I couldn’t risk committing my heart to her. It was something I would have to figure out after Elle was home.
She would be home. She had to come home.
CHAPTER 14
LINDSAY
T he first park I checked ended up being a bust. There was nothing that could have been even remotely described as a playhouse, so I moved to the next on my list. This one was smaller and thankfully a bit farther from Coney Island, but as I walked through the park, I saw some small colored structures ahead that could be playhouses. As I got closer, they were definitely small houses. It was a charming setup. Someone had designed what looked like a gingerbread village, though the houses were constructed from thick plastic. It looked weathered, and some had damage, but there were enough details remaining that I could imagine how it had been when it was new. If this was the place, I could easily see why Elle would have chosen it as her favorite. Still. this area wasn’t the safest, and the urgency of the situation kept me on edge.
I moved to the miniature village as snow started to fall, cautiously peeking into the first window. There were three little girls and a boy playing together, and they all stared at me. None of them were Elle, so I moved on. The next playhouse was empty, and the third had two little boys, so I kept going. The fourth house revealed a small figure seated inside with a book on her lap. Relief filled me when I realized it was Elle, and I moved to the door. The house was definitely built for little kids, and it was a tight fit to squeeze inside. I had to practically bend over double and shimmy in. I was afraid I’d get stuck, but on the plus side, I’d be blocking the exit and preventing Elle from running if I did.
She seemed surprised to see me, and her swollen eyes and tearstained cheeks broke my heart as I finally wiggled my hips the rest of the way inside and crouched on the floor. “Hi, Elle.” I struggled to find a calm, soothing tone. All I wanted to do was take her in my arms to make sure she was okay, but I didn’t want to move too quickly and startle her.
“Hey.” She closed her book and set it aside on top of her backpack, which I saw was stuffed to the point it would barely zip closed. “What did you bring with you?”
She looked at the pack and shrugged. “Warm clothes and my favorite stuffed monkey.”
“And books,” I nodded my head toward the one sitting atop the pack.
“The cabdriver knew what place I was talking about when I told him my old address and described the park.”
I shuddered at the thought of her taking a cab by herself, and I was angry at the driver for a moment that he hadn’t bothered to report that a child had flagged him down, but my anger seeped away as relief filled me.
“That was good that you took a cab instead of the subway.” It was New York, I supposed. She wouldn’t be the first child to ride a cab unattended. There were even children who went back and forth on the subway every day for school, so it wouldn’t have seemed out of place to the driver. I couldn’t really blame him or her for not phoning the police.
“Daddy said never take the subway alone.” Elle’s eyes clouded over, and her lower lip trembled. “Is he mad at me?”
I reached out a hand hesitantly, touching her knee when she didn’t pull away. “He’s really scared and worried about you, but he’s not really angry. We were both just scared.”
Tears escaped down her cheeks, though she blinked rapidly. “I didn’t mean to scare anyone. I just wanted to leave before you did.” Her lips were a little blue.
I grimaced. “Elle, I’m not going to leave you.” I broke off when I realized I couldn’t make that promise. I was still an employee, which meant I had only partial say in whether I stayed. In spite of last night, I wasn’t super confident that Ben would want me to be anything more than Elle’s nanny, so I didn’t want to make a promise I might not be able keep. “I’ll stay as long as I can, and as long as you want me to.”
“I want you to stay forever, but I know you’re going to leave. Everybody leaves. If they don’t leave, then they’re never there.”
My heart clenched for her, and I couldn’t resist the urge to reach out to pull her against me in a hug. I expected some resistance, but instead she melted against me. “Who left you?” I was sure I knew the answer, but I had to dissect her fears one at a time.
“My mom left me. Even you left me for a while.”
“I didn’t have any choice in the matter. Your family moved away, and my father wouldn’t help me come visit you.”
She frowned. “Why not?”
I shrugged. “He’s selfish. He always has been... and it got worse after my mom died. He pretty much left me to raise myself, and it was a lonely childhood. I had to grow up way too fast.”
“Do you hate him?”
I couldn’t answer for a moment, because I had to decide for myself first before I could tell her the truth. “I don’t hate him. I love him, but I don’t trust him. I never come first with him, so in some ways it’s like not having a father at all.”
“It’s just the same for me.” She laid her head against my chest.
I frowned as I rubbed her back. “No, it’s not. Your father loves you so much, sweetie. He’s doing the best he can to—”
“I know that.” She lifted her head to look at me. “I meant my mom. She’s just gone. She was never really much there to start with. There were times when she gave me a little attention, but most of the time, she was just out of it. She doesn’t come see me, and I’m sure she doesn’t love me. I think I hate her sometimes.”
I had to clear my throat from the lump forming there. “It’s okay to hate her sometimes, but I don’t think you really do. You’re just hurt and angry and trying to figure it all out. Your mom loves you, but she’s kind of like my dad. She’s selfish. You know what an addict is?”
Elle shrugged. “I heard Dad say the word a few times to other people, but I don’t really know what it is.”
I hated having this conversation with her, certain it should be Ben, but also needing to convince her to come home willingly. I didn’t want to shatter the trust between us by dragging her out or forcing her to come with me if I could avoid it. “An addict is someone who can’t live without something. That something is usually very bad for them, and in your mom’s case, it’s drugs. It makes her selfish. She can’t think of anything besides getting drugs, and it changes who she is. At some point, maybe she’ll no longer be addicted, and maybe then she won’t be so selfish. You can’t count on that though.”
“So I don’t have a mother.” She looked so sad and she started to shiver. “Will you be my mother, Lindsay?”
It was so hard to answer her, and tears rolled down my cheeks too. “I don’t think that’s ever going to happen, kiddo, but I’ll be here for you as long as you need me.”
“I’m scared you’ll leave me too.”
“I won’t if I can help it.” I hugged her as hard as I dared, and she was squeezing just as tightly. “Your dad loves you, and so do I. We’d like you to come home. Are you ready to do that, Elle?”
She pulled away, her lower lip trembling again. “I’m going to be in big trouble, aren’t I?”
I didn’t want to start lying to her now, so I nodded. “You probably will be in a little trouble, but more than anything, Ben’s going to be happy that you’re home and relieved that you’re safe. Are you ready to see your dad?”
After another long hesitation, she nodded. “I guess so.”
CHAPTER 15
BEN
When the call came from Lindsay, I swiped almost savagely. “Where are you, and why haven’t you answer
ed your phone?”
“I didn’t charge it last night, so it died.”
“You need a new phone that has a better battery.” I made a mental note to get her the newest, latest model after this was over. “Elle isn’t with Ashe. I was there—”
“I have her.”
Those three simple words crushed all air from my lungs and had me dropping to my knees. “Where…?”
“We’re in a cab headed back now. The driver is loaning me his charger.”
I somehow managed to breathe again. “I’ll meet you at the curb.” She didn’t try to dissuade me, probably realizing she couldn’t. I needed to be reunited with Elle as soon as possible.
After Lindsay hung up, I put the phone in my pocket and gripped the side of the desk to stand up. It took me a moment to find the strength, because I was so weak with relief.
And gratitude. I owed Lindsay everything. She’d found Elle, who must be safe, or they’d be heading to the hospital instead of home. I squirmed internally as I remembered my plan to emotionally withdraw. How could I do that?
But how could I commit to her when I knew how ugly love could be? Not that I loved her. No way. It was far too soon for that, I assured myself as I got to my feet.
I staggered down the hallway, stopping by the kitchen to tell Margot and Betsy the good news. I found them huddled together at the table, sipping coffee, and looking worried sick. “Lindsay’s bringing her home.”
“Oh, thank goodness. Is it all right if I make the little miss’s favorite dinner, Mr. Hudson?”
I nodded at Margot. “Why wouldn’t it be?”
She shrugged, not quite meeting my eyes. “I thought maybe she’d be punished, and I didn’t want to interfere.”
“Oh.” I shook my head. “Make her favorite, and that chocolate cake she likes for dessert, if you have time.”
“I have the batter waiting in the fridge,” she confessed with a hint of guilt.
“Excellent.” I left the two women and the apartment a moment later. The elevator ride was fast, and I was soon standing beside Bill as I awaited the arrival of my daughter and…her nanny? That didn’t sound right, but what did?
“I heard the good news, sir. I’m glad Miss Elle is returning to us safe and sound.”
I nodded at Bill, marveling at how quickly word must have spread around the building. “Thank you. You have no idea how relieved I am too.”
“I can imagine. My youngest took off once, but quickly changed his mind when he realized he’d forgotten his teddy bear.”
More to fill the time than anything, I said, “I didn’t know you were a family man.”
“Oh, yes, sir. They’re grown these days, but the wife and I still see them a lot.”
“How long have you been married?”
“Almost forty years.”
I looked at him. “How in the world did you manage that?”
He shrugged. “It’s a lot of work sometimes, but I couldn’t imagine anyone else I want by my side during the journey of life. Once you find the right one, you don’t let go of her. It’s worth the fight.”
I nodded, his words percolating in my brain as we waited for the right cab to draw up. Was Bill right? He certainly seemed to know what he was talking about with forty years of marriage to back him up.
I hadn’t fought for Ashe, but I’d stopped loving her the way I had in the beginning long before discovering her addiction. She hadn’t been worth fighting for, and I was positive she’d felt the same way about me. We were toxic together and happier apart than we’d ever been when married.
Lindsay was different. I knew it in my heart. She was dangerous to my heart and to the path I’d set for myself—one I intended to walk alone.
That course no longer seemed so appealing, especially when the cab drew up, and she exited a few minutes later with Elle’s hand in hers.
I rushed to the curb, reaching for my daughter despite the way she held back. I forced myself to stop at the last minute and shoot a questioning look at Lindsay.
“Elle is afraid she’s in trouble.”
I immediately swooped forward and lifted her into my arms. She remained stiff in my arms for a moment before hers crept around my neck, and she hugged me back.
“I’m so happy you’re home, baby.” I buried my face against her fine blonde hair and inhaled the scent of mangoes. “Please don’t ever do this again.”
She lifted her head, which forced me to move mine so I could look into her eyes. “I’m sorry, Daddy.”
I nodded. “We’ll talk in a bit. Let’s get you cleaned up and fed. Margot’s making your favorite dinner.”
Her eyes sparkled. “Brie en Croûte and salmon cakes?”
I nodded. “With chocolate cake for dessert.”
CHAPTER 16
LINDSAY
Watching them interact throughout dinner left a lump in my throat. There was a new tenderness in Ben’s actions, and Elle was the most open I’d seen in a long while. She even reached out to hold his hand at one point, and he clung to it like a lifeline.
It was beautiful, but also underscored my status as an outsider. Sitting there with the family, though not part of the family, was demoralizing no matter how heartwarming their reunion. I was quiet, trying to remain unobtrusive to allow them the time they needed.
Ben was quiet as well, though I couldn’t tell if he was basking in the joy of Elle’s safe return, brooding about something, or perhaps a bit of both.
When Elle smothered her third yawn of the evening, I said, “You look ready for bed.”
She didn’t protest, which meant she was exhausted. “Will you read me another chapter of Harry Potter?”
“Of course, unless your dad wants to?” I arched a brow at him.
He shook his head. “I don’t want to disturb your routine.” He pushed away from the table and walked around to kneel by Elle’s chair. She slipped into his arms, and he hugged her again. “I love you, sweetheart.”
“Love you too, Daddy,” she said against his chest.
I blinked back tears as I took her hand and led her to the bedroom. She had a quick bath while I pulled back the covers and got out the book.
Elle came into her room and took the brush from the vanity. She held it out to me hesitantly, and I took it. As she sat at the table, I brushed her damp hair.
“Are you going to be my mom, Lindsay?”
I kept brushing, but didn’t look up at her. “I’d love to be your mom, but I don’t know if that could work.”
“Do you like my daddy?”
I nodded at her, finally meeting her gaze in the mirror. “I like him more than any other boy.” Man was the right term, of course, because Ben wasn’t a boy by any stretch of the imagination.
“Does he like you?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. Are you ready for the book?” I breathed a sigh of relief when she let me distract her.
I tucked her in and read her part of a chapter before her soft snores filled the room. I spent another moment just staring at her as the events of the day threatened to overwhelm me.
We’d gotten lucky that she was home safe and sound. Things could have been much different, and Ben was probably brooding about that right this moment.
I placed the bookmark in the book and put it on her nightstand before getting up. I couldn’t resist brushing a kiss against her temple on the way out of her room. I loved her so much that I couldn’t imagine I could love my own child any more than I did her.
I found him in the living room, staring into the fireplace with a glass of something clear in his hand. I sat down beside him, but didn’t touch. “Are you all right?”
He put aside the glass and fixed me with an intense stare. “I’m pretty far from all right, love.”
The endearment made my heart jump, but I tried not to read too much into it. “Do you want to talk about it?”
He shook his head as he turned to face me. “I just want to hold you. Is that okay?”
I nodded. “Very o
kay.” When his arms came around me, mine enfolded him gladly.
He did just hold me for several long, silent moments. I could hear a hitch in his breathing, and wondered what it was like for him, to have to be strong all the time. I rubbed his back and murmured soothing words. I could only imagine how the day had wrecked him, and I was honored that he trusted me enough to show me a little vulnerability.
Or maybe I could have been anyone, and he still would have. I didn’t want to believe that, and I really didn’t, so I pushed the idea aside.
“I need you,” he said against my temple.
“I’m here for you.”
“I want you.”
I nodded, but still wasn’t entirely sure just what he wanted until his hand slipped under the hem of my shirt to trail up my stomach. When he cupped my breast, I nodded and pressed against his palm. “Yes.”
That was all he needed, and the last word I spoke. His hands moved over me with urgent intensity, almost as if he was assuring himself I was there. I hadn’t been the one he could have lost, but he seemed to need to be certain I was there too.
I pushed him back on the sofa and started stripping him. I had the need to heal him, though I didn’t know if sex could do so. I was using every weapon in my arsenal to make sure he felt cherished and cared for.
When I slid to my knees on the floor a few minutes later, he moaned and arched his back. I’d never done this before, but I acted on instinct as I wrapped my mouth around his shaft and slowly sucked it deeper inside.
As I swirled my tongue around him, he arched his hips and let out a stifled sound of pleasure. I nibbled and sucked as drops of pre-cum fell onto my tongue and down my throat. Each one was like a victory that I savored.
I could feel him on the cusp as I cupped his sac in my hand and rolled gently. He stiffened and cried out what could have been my name as his cock twitched and quivered in my mouth.
