Ashes of Life

by Erica Lucke Dean

  Grey’s eyes shifted to me, and the blue seemed darker—colder—as if I’d done something wrong. “I have to work this afternoon, so I need to get going. You still need a ride?” he asked, but it didn’t sound like he wanted me to say yes. In fact, it sounded more like he wanted to be as far away from me as possible.

  “I can take you home, Mads.” Brody offered with a wink, but I had no intention of getting in his car, the same car he’d spent a week ranting about how much money it cost to get it detailed after someone painted the windows in lipstick.

  “No…” I glanced between them then took a quick step away. “I, uh, forgot I told Haleigh I’d come over for a little while. She’s probably waiting for me.” I waved then took off down the hall, hoping Haleigh hadn’t left the parking lot yet.

  “Holy fudge!” Haleigh yelped when I pulled the passenger door open and plopped into the seat next to her. “You scared the poop out of me. What are you doing? I thought you were going with Grey.”

  “You know, you might actually feel better if you used real swear words.” I panted, still out of breath from running through the parking lot in the cold, trying to catch up to her.

  “I don’t need to litter the air with filth. Now will you please tell me what you’re doing here?”

  I took a few deep breaths then told her what happened with Brody and how Grey looked pissed off about something.

  “Well, boys can be really stupid sometimes. So do you want to come over for a little while?”

  “Nah, not today. Alex has been pretty decent lately, so I figure maybe I shouldn’t rock the boat.”

  Chapter 18

  Alex

  I stood across from a shirtless David with the wide expanse of king-sized bed looming between us, as if facing off on the battlefield. He stood his ground, eyes locked on mine, staring me down. His red flannel pajama pants rode low on his hips, drawing my eye to the loose drawstring. I might have been angry with him, but that could never lessen the pull I felt toward him. “Why are you so adamant that I go?”

  He scrubbed a hand over a weekend’s worth of scruff on his face—a sure sign he was getting frustrated. “Baby, opportunities like this don’t come along every day. You need to grab it while it’s still out there. I already feel like a world-class jerk for dragging you so far away from your family and a job you love. I can’t sit back and watch you pass on something that could put you ahead of the pack. And yeah, you could wait. But if you put it off too long, you’ll be too far along to travel.” He continued to circle back to the same argument I’d already grown tired of.

  I didn’t want to go. Pregnancy hormones didn’t agree with me, and I felt like shit. I just wanted to stay home and enjoy what would have been the first quiet moments in our short marriage.

  “Listen, babe.” I leaned across the mattress, pleading with my eyes. “There’ll be plenty of chances for me to go to LA before I’m too pregnant to travel. I’m not even due until June. I’d rather stay here with you. It’s not like I don’t have several other back-to-back trips coming up that I can’t get out of. I deserve a few days alone with my husband—time to prepare my nest, so to speak—before getting back to the grind. I can help you pack up the Christmas tree, finish off the last of the molasses cookies.”

  He shook his head, and my smile wavered. “I have meetings planned that I can’t get out of. It would be better for both of us if you go now. Get it out of the way, and we’ll have the rest of January to do whatever you like.” David crawled across the bed to meet me in the middle. He pulled me into his arms and collapsed against the pillows. “Admit it. You know I’m right.”

  “Fine. I’ll go, but I don’t like it.” My stomach twisted, and for a change, it had nothing to do with morning sickness. “It just feels wrong.”

  “Hey…” He grabbed my chin in his thick fingers and turned my face to his. “You and me? We’re magic. What could possibly go wrong?”

  I shot upright in bed, blood rushing in my ears as I clutched the blanket to my chest. The dream—the memory—had been so vivid. So real. I swore I could even smell him. The next day, we’d said goodbye like every other day. And the day after that, I’d gotten the call that he’d died. Just like that. I couldn’t help wondering what would have happened if I’d stayed. Would he have cancelled his meeting with Sarah? Would he have gone anyway? Could I have done anything to change his destiny? Or was I simply deluding myself, and my time with David wasn’t meant to last forever.

  I climbed out of bed and set to work shoving the last of David’s things into boxes then lugged each one down the stairs, creating a pile in front of the basement door. Taking charge of my life again gave me a weird sense of accomplishment, like maybe I’d taken a huge step toward healing, but I still wasn’t ready to cart my husband’s memories away. I knew I’d eventually have to come up with a more permanent solution, but until then, I’d settle for out of sight, out of mind.

  I flicked on the light and peered into the shadows.

  “What are you doing?” Maddie’s voice startled me, and I spun around to face her.

  I scanned her jeans and fuzzy red sweater. “Don’t you have school?”

  “I don’t have to leave for like thirty more minutes. What’s your excuse for loitering in the hall like a creeper?”

  I nodded toward the boxes. “Taking these to the basement.”

  Maddie leaned against the wall and smirked. “How’s that working out for you so far?”

  “Well, I haven’t actually taken any yet. I don’t really do basements. As a native Californian, I object to the whole concept. I’ve been trying to work up the courage to go down. Your dad didn’t happen to keep bodies or anything down there, did he?”

  “So you’ve lived here for how long now, and you’ve never gone into the basement before?”

  I shook my head.

  Maddie rolled her eyes and scooped up one of the boxes. “Come on. I’ll help. You probably shouldn’t be carrying heavy things anyway, right?”

  Guilt twisted my insides. Why hadn’t I told her about the baby? What was I waiting for?

  After helping me stack all five boxes in the storage room, Maddie switched off the light and turned toward the closed door on the other side of the stairs. She flinched before taking a full step away.

  “What’s in there?”

  She tensed up. “It’s nothing.”

  I reached for the knob.

  “Wait!” She pulled my hand back. “It’s… it’s just a room Dad made for me. A practice room. I don’t go in there anymore.”

  “Oh.”

  “So yeah. It’s nothing. Maybe you can turn it into a playroom for the baby or something.”

  Her words hit me like a dagger to the chest, and I knew I couldn’t let it go on any longer. “Maddie.” I pulled in a jagged breath. “I-I lost the baby.”

  Maddie let out a shaky laugh. “What do you mean you lost it? It’s not even born yet.”

  “I mean… I had a miscarriage.”

  Maddie dropped onto the bottom step, and the air whooshed out of her lungs. “How? When?”

  “A few weeks ago.”

  She turned toward me in slow motion until our eyes met. “A few weeks ago? How is that possible? You grounded me. We were here together the whole time.”

  “Before that.”

  “How much before?”

  “The week before you moved in.”

  “What?” Maddie jumped to her feet. “That was over a month ago. Why didn’t you tell me? I’d just gotten used to the idea of… God, you lied to me. You let me think you were still pregnant.”

  “I’m sorry.” I took her spot on the stairs and let my head fall into my hands. “I-I just didn’t know how to say the words. It devastated me. I’m still devastated. Just everything happened so fast.”

  “
So no baby. Dad’s gone, and now there’s no baby?” For the first time since we’d met, Maddie looked less like an angry teenager and more like a lost little girl.

  I shook my head. I couldn’t say the words. Not again.

  Her eyes glistened with tears. “How is that even fair? How is any of this fair?”

  Neither of us spoke for several minutes. Then I asked the question that had been nagging at me since she’d told me about the room behind the door. “Maddie, why’d you stop dancing?”

  Her mouth fell open, and she just stared at me for a moment. Then the rage I’d become accustomed to bubbled up and brimmed over. “Because you came to Lake Edna and ruined everything. And now I have nothing, and it’s all your fault.”

  “You need a book on how to raise a teenager.” I mimicked Natalie’s voice as I drove to the bookstore. “A book will solve all your problems.” Right, as if a book was what I needed. A shrink. A vacation. A damn kick in the ass for agreeing to be someone’s guardian when I could barely take care of myself. That’s what I needed. Not a stupid book.

  I parked my car and stomped across the frozen parking lot before practically tearing the door from the hinges as I let myself in. Damn Natalie and her stupid ideas.

  Without asking for directions, I followed the signs straight to the self-help section, where I found dozens of books on parenting teenagers. Everything from How to Raise Your Teenager Right to Yes, Your Teen is Crazy. “I could have told you that,” I mumbled as I flipped through the pages. But as much as I knew I needed the help, I wanted nothing to do with the subject matter.

  Instead, my eyes wandered to the shelf across from me. Getting Naked Again, caught my eye, and I put down the parenting book and pulled the new one from the shelf. It was a book about finding romance again after death or divorce. I dropped it as if it were on fire then picked it back up again to return it to the shelf.

  “Alex.” His voice drew me away from the shelf, and my eyes followed.

  My mouth dropped open. Really? As if the universe hadn’t already set me up for failure at every turn. “Ben?”

  “Wow, I was beginning to believe you’d fallen off the edge of the world. I haven’t seen you in weeks.” He looked good in loose-fitting jeans and a blue-and-green flannel shirt.

  I struggled to find my voice. “It hasn’t been that long.”

  “It has. Two weeks on Sunday.”

  “I didn’t know we were counting the days.” It made me angry to know he’d kept track. He wasn’t supposed to be so available because I wasn’t.

  He crossed his arms and scowled. “I didn’t know you were trying to avoid me. I thought we were friends.” I hated the way the word sounded as it tumbled from his lips. And even worse as it formed on mine.

  “We are friends, and I wasn’t trying to avoid you.” I flipped aimlessly through the pages of the book I still held.

  “The hell you weren’t.” He pushed his hand through his hair. “Hiding in Natalie’s storage closet? Really, Alex? Not very mature of you, is it?”

  “What makes you think I was hiding in a storage closet?” How did he know I was hiding in a storage closet?

  He raised an eyebrow and stared at me without saying a word.

  “Fine.” I slammed the book shut. “I was hiding in a storage closet. But I wasn’t avoiding you. I was avoiding the situation.”

  “We have a situation?”

  “Are you—” I took a breath. “Are you following me?”

  “No.” Ben let out a nervous laugh. “What makes you think I’ve been following you?”

  “You seem to know a lot about my whereabouts. And for that matter, what are you doing in the bookstore in the middle of the afternoon?”

  He shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “Looking for a book. But stop changing the subject.”

  “Oh, really? What book?” I snatched the paperback from him and read the title out loud. “What Women Want and How to Give it to Them?” My lips quirked up, and I tried not to laugh. “A manual on how to attract women? Really, Ben?” I vacillated between exhilaration and terror.

  “Haha. Very funny. So what book are you getting?”

  “It’s not import—” He yanked the book from my hand before I could stop him. “Hey! That’s not even my book, I just—”

  His eyebrows shot up as he read the title. “Getting Naked Again? Sound advice.”

  I laughed. “Shut up.”

  “Oh, come on, Alex. You walked right into that one. And let’s face it, we can’t deny the tension between us.” He reached for my hand, and I stepped back.

  My heart slammed against my ribs as I remembered the kiss we shared in the bar. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “You’re the one who said you were hiding from the situation. What sort of situation would prompt you to hide from your friend?”

  Friends. Right. I’ve never fantasized about Natalie naked. And those daydreams about Ben terrified me so much I’d taken to surrounding myself with memories of David. I slept in his clothes, wore his cologne, immersed myself in every photograph ever taken of us.

  “Ben.” I turned to the shelf, thumbing along the spines of self-help romance books until I felt his breath on my neck. “I don’t know how to be just friends with you.”

  He leaned in closer and brushed my hair away from my shoulder as he whispered in my ear. “What are you saying?”

  “I’m saying you occupy my thoughts more often than I’m comfortable with.” I spun around to face him, our bodies almost touching. “More than a little. Are you happy now?”

  Ben blinked a few times without saying a word. Then he stepped back and shoved his hands into his hair, messing it up more than it already was. “I think about you too. I’ve missed seeing you these past few weeks. I know we should take things slow, but frankly, I don’t want to.” He dipped his face down close enough to brush his lips across mine. But instead, he held perfectly still. “Come home with me. I’m off today. We can just talk. I promise I’ll let you set the pace.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Why?”

  “I just—” I shook my head, and my mouth went dry as I struggled to come up with the words.

  “Alex…” My body shuddered as his hands slowly made contact with my shoulders, pulling me closer. “Stop making excuses,” he whispered against my temple. “Just spend time with me. Let me take care of you today.”

  My eyes fluttered shut as my heart hammered behind my ribs. Of its own accord, my body leaned into his, and my hands skated up his arms until they locked behind his neck. With a whimper, I gave in, melting into his embrace. My lips found his, and the world around us disappeared.

  “Get a room,” a woman whispered before scooting around the corner to the next aisle.

  We pulled apart, my face flaming. “Oh my god. I can’t believe we just got caught making out in a bookstore.”

  Ben cleared his throat. “Maybe we’d better do what the lady said.”

  “What, get a room?” I felt my eyes go wide.

  Ben chuckled. “I just meant we should go someplace else. To talk. Or whatever.”

  “Or whatever?” I slapped his arm.

  He smirked. “You did kiss me.”

  “Uh-huh.” I turned my back to him, pretending to pay attention to the books in front of me.

  “Well…” He leaned over my shoulder to whisper, running his nose along the shell of my ear. “I really liked kissing you.”

  “I liked it too. Too much.” I moaned, spinning around to face him. “Okay, let’s go. But we’re just going to talk. That’s it.”

  His face broke into a wide smile. “Talk. I can do that.” Then he grabbed my hand, pulling me out of the store toward his shiny black Ford pickup.

  One minute, I was buckling my seatb
elt, feeling lighter than I had in months, and the next, I was sprawled out on Ben’s bed, half-undressed with his delicious weight bearing down on me from above.

  “You’re so beautiful.” Ben’s hand slid over my shoulder, sweeping my hair aside as he kissed his way across my collarbone. “I’ve missed you.”

  “I-I missed…” I stumbled over the words, not sure what exactly I missed. The feeling of closeness with a man? The intimacy? Or Ben himself? “It’s been too long.”

  “Shh… don’t think. Just feel.”

  I froze in his arms, and a sudden pang of guilt stabbed me through the chest.

  “Hey—it’s okay, if you’re not ready—”

  “No. I want this. With you. Just… less talking, more kissing.” I pulled his face down to capture his lips with mine.

  Ben took the hint and went to work peeling away my remaining clothes. As he stared into my eyes, his hard body settled between my legs. He didn’t say anything, but his eyes spoke volumes, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to hear it.

  With my head nestled against Ben’s chest, I listened to his heartbeat as it slowed to a normal rhythm. “Best idea ever,” I said, and his body shook with silent laughter. I sat up to scowl at him. “What’s so funny?”

  He pulled me back down, tucking me against him again. “Nothing. I’m just really happy to have you here… and out of Natalie’s closet.”

  “Well, I can definitely say”—I breathed in his sweet mint scent—“you do smell a lot better than her old mop.”

  His chest vibrated as he laughed. “Better than Eau de Coffee Shop Floor, huh?”

  “Much better… and much more satisfying. A few minutes here beats a few hours over there.”

  “Hey.” He leaned over me with playful scowl. “It’s been longer than just a few minutes. I’ll have you know, we’ve been in this bed for almost two hours.”