Mocha Me Crazy

by Kristen Flowers

  “You have a chef?” Stacy practically scoffed.

  “Yes, I have a chef,” I answered curtly. Her stupid questions only made matters worse. The whole time I was looking over at Evelyn, who was staring at both of us in shock. Her face was as neutral as possible, but I could see everything in her eyes. I saw her arms begin to sag under the weight of the grocery bag she was clutching so tightly, the bottom of it stretching down.

  “You really are an asshole pig,” Evelyn hissed.

  Stacy immediately started cracking up. “You’re fucking the chef too?” She laughed loudly and obnoxiously as she stepped back to grab her blouse up off the floor. “Wow, that’s too good. That’s comically good.” She swung the blouse over her shoulder and slowly buttoned it up, shaking her head with laughter the entire time.

  I watched Evelyn cautiously and thought she was doing an excellent job at hiding her desire to blow up. I took a step closer to her, but stopped at once when I saw her jerk away from me. “It’s not what it looks like,” I mumbled in a pleading tone. I could only hope she would give me a chance to explain, but from the look on her face the chances of that happening didn’t seem all that high.

  Stacy tugged down at the hem of her shirt and then looked up at Evelyn and I. She laughed again and shook her head before walking out toward the elevator. As soon as I heard the elevator chime I called out, “Stacy, don’t bother coming back to work. Ever.”

  “You really are the biggest dick, Remi! Of course you’d say that you fucking asshole. Don’t know how to deal with your problems like a real man,” she yelled back. Then I heard her laugh again, “The chef! Too funny!”

  I didn’t care about Stacy. I didn’t care about any insult she threw at me or the perception she had of me. The only person’s opinion I cared about in that moment was Evelyn; from the looks of it I was losing out on that end too. I looked at her in silence for a moment as I gathered up the courage to launch into an explanation.

  “Nothing happened. Evelyn, I swear, that wasn’t what–”

  “Save it,” Evelyn cut me off. She dropped the bag of heavy groceries on the floor with a grunt, a few lemons rolled out and went in different directions.

  “Evelyn, please–”

  She just shook her head, “And you had the nerve to try and say you’re different.”

  My mind shut down the moment I laid eyes on them. All I could think about was why? I couldn’t understand why he would do that, why I ever doubted his reputation, why he would play the games he did; and least of all, why I ever fell for him at all. When the sound of the blonde woman’s ridiculing laugh hit my ears, I started to shake. I wanted to hurl the heavy grocery bag at them and run out only to never see him again. I felt the anger and humiliation hotly flooding over my body.

  But what got to me the most was that I had fallen for Remi’s play yet again.

  I shook again, not caring that the groceries were spread out over the floor. The shattered jar of sauce that splattered on my shoes and ankles didn’t matter.

  “You had the nerve to try and say that you’re different,” I said. My voice sounded hollow and cracked.

  Remi looked at me. He was astonished and worried. I didn’t care. I knew he was only concerned about losing at whatever sick game he was playing. “Evelyn, you have to listen to me,” he said in a pleading voice.

  “I don’t have to do anything,” I spat back.

  “I know, I just need to tell you what happened. Evelyn, please listen. That’s all I… Look, I had no idea Stacy wa–”

  “Stacy?!” I shrieked, losing complete and total composure. I felt rage and surge through my veins.

  But the moment was interrupted by my phone ringing. I took a deep breath before looking at who was calling. My stomach dropped; it was the realtor. I gulped and answered the call with shaking hands as I stared at Remi in anger.

  “Hello,” I croaked.

  “Ms. Page, I’m glad to be able to reach you even if it is with unfortunate news,” Mrs. Danson’s voice came in. My heart sank into my churning stomach. “I’m very sorry, Ms. Page, but the property has been bought by another buyer.”

  My entire body shook. I felt white-hot tears welling up in the corners of my eyes. I choked them back. I didn’t want to cry in front of Remi over this. There was no way I’d allow him that glimpse of vulnerability. I would never give him the satisfaction of seeing me break because I lost the bid to the perfect piece of property for my dream restaurant. I shook harder thinking of the satisfied look on his face were he to find out. I could practically hear his taunting. This was the last thing I needed on top of the little scene I had just walked in on.

  In spite of myself, there was a question I absolutely had to ask before ending the call. And even though I knew the answer already before the question left my lips, I still opened my mouth and asked anyway, “Who?”

  Mrs. Danson hesitated for a brief moment before answering, “Mr. Parker.”

  I felt my knees buckle under my shaking body and I struggled to keep from collapsing. Remi stepped forward to catch me, but stopped when I shot him a look of warning. My hands clenched into a fist, fingernails digging deep into the palms of my hands. I finally understood what it meant to ‘see red.’ Only it was so much more than that. It felt like a betrayal. Just like my father had warned at the fundraising dinner, someone with the last name Parker really was a snake waiting to screw me over.

  “Well, thank you for letting me know,” I finally managed to say to the realtor with a quivering voice.

  I ended the call and dropped my hand, staring straight ahead in a daze. I had been staring at Remi the entire conversation, but now it was more like I was looking through him. I shut my eyes and took a long breath, hand clutched over my chest. I needed to calm down. Being in such a worked up state wouldn’t do me any good. When I finally opened my eyes Remi was still staring at me. There was pain in his eyes; it was unmistakable. I knew there was pain in my eyes as well. I had no idea why he was in pain, nor did I care.

  I walked over to him and gave him the dirtiest look I could. “I thought you were just some playboy asshole that liked to fuck a lot of women and then pretend like they didn’t exist. Now I know the truth. You’re much, much worse than the man I thought you were. Cook your own damn food, Remi Parker. I quit.”

  With that I stormed into my room, grabbed what little belongings I had there, and walked straight past him on my way out to the elevator.

  I sat at my kitchen table staring out the window at the shining lights of the city, a crescent moon looming overhead. I had no idea how much time passed since Evelyn had left, but I knew it didn’t matter. The point was that she was gone. She didn’t’ even give me the benefit of the doubt. She was unwilling to listen to me, but I wasn’t mad at her over it. The truth was I couldn’t even blame her. Someone with my reputation wasn’t exactly in the position to go through something like this unscathed. The only thing I resented was that I really had tried to show her I was different. But it just blew up in my face.

  I couldn’t even remember the last time I felt so depressed. I hadn’t cared about someone or something like this in ages. This felt completely different. My driving force had always been money, pleasure, and the elusive acceptance of my father. Then Evelyn came along and changed all of that. For the first time, a woman actually captivated me. For the first time, I wanted to get to know her and not just get what I wanted between her legs before pushing her out the door. I was open and vulnerable with her on more than one occasion.

  I stood up and walked to the window, slamming my hands on it. I leaned my weight on my arms and stared out the clear glass. All I could think about was how my father was right—somehow I had found a way to fuck it all up.

  And then, as if on cue, my phone rang. I ran over to it with the smallest sliver of hope that it would be Evelyn, but it wasn’t her name on the screen. It was my father calling; it was like he could sense when I was down and got the urge to kick me even further into the dirt. Still, I deci
ded to take the call. Anything my dad had to say, no matter how unkind, would be better to focus on than the misery I felt weighing me down since Evelyn walked out. It felt like she had walked out of my life for good.

  I barely had the chance to say ‘hello' when he was already speaking over me with a boisterous, "Congratulations!"

  I swallowed the lump in my throat. I turned around to lean back against the window. As I stared at the dark and empty kitchen, groceries lying forgotten on the floor, I realized I hadn’t thought even once about the real estate purchase. I didn’t feel like celebrating and, in reality, didn’t think there was anything to jump for joy over.

  “Oh,” I croaked.

  Luckily, my father was too wrapped up in what he wanted to say to pick up on my lack of enthusiasm. For the first time in my life, I was thankful for how self-absorbed my dad was. “Picking up that commercial property is a true accomplishment, son. I have to hand it to you, you’re quite a good businessman. I’m proud of you for that, Remi. Maybe someday you will be ready for the family business after all.”

  I stopped breathing for a few seconds. Everything went silent. My father actually said the word ‘proud’ to me—just like I had always wanted him to say. I had lived my life believing this day would never come. Now that it finally did, all I could manage was half a smile. I thought it would bring me a lot more joy to hear those words fall from his mouth, but it didn’t. When I played out a million different fantasies of him saying he was proud of me, I was always overjoyed.

  Now all I could think about was Evelyn.

  She was right. As long as my happiness was tied to my father’s approval, I would never truly be happy. I needed to separate myself from the idea that the key to feeling truly successful and living happily was in the words my father just uttered. Now there I was, having heard them and I didn’t feel a single ounce of joy. I slid down to sit on the floor as my dad rambled on about the business in the new location.

  I couldn’t listen. None of it mattered. This time was just like any other with my dad talking my ear off about things that were of no consequence to me. Even if I was the one who had made the purchase, this turned out to be only what I thought I wanted and nothing more.

  I listened to my father’s voice drone on and on until an idea finally hit me. If there was even a shred of possibility for me to salvage what mattered most to me, I was willing to do anything it took to get there.

  “Dad, I have to go,” I said abruptly before ending the call.

  I didn’t care about anything other than my new plan. With my sights set on what I knew was my real dream, I called the man in charge of my business development team.

  If I couldn’t find happiness, I could at least give it to the person I loved.

  A couple of weeks had passed since I quit my job with Remi and walked out of his life for good. I was only barely starting to get over everything. I could still feel a heavy weight on my shoulders and a tightness in my chest. I’d be lying if I told myself I never had feelings for him. And to have him be the one to ruin my lifelong dreams—it was almost too much for me to handle. I couldn’t escape the sinking feeling I experienced every hour of every day. Even if I knew it wasn’t the actual end of the world, it certainly felt like it.

  Every time I thought about him and what he did I’d get a little choked up. I fought back the tears anyway. A part of me didn’t want to give Remi any more of my tears, even though he wouldn’t be around to see them. I knew I had to get over everything and move on and that’s exactly what I was going to do.

  I mustered up every ounce of strength I had to visit the place one last time; then I wouldn’t allow myself to feel bad about it anymore. I’d give my dream restaurant one last goodbye. Then it and Remi would be out of my life forever.

  I was standing on the sidewalk outside of the building, looking at the walls and windows. I pictured how different things would have looked if it was my restaurant filling up the corner lot. The windows were still covered up with plywood, blocking the view from the outside in. I imagined all the workers inside were carting in a ton of weights and gym equipment. The thought sent a lurch through my chest. All those bench press machines should have been dinner tables.

  It should have been a place for people to go and try delicious food they’ve never had before—a place for anniversaries, first dates, and family reunions. Now it was for jocks and alpha male types like Remi to lift and grunt so they could get ‘swole’ and pick up girls. The thought made my stomach do a somersault. I felt ill. I felt like a failure.

  I looked down to the sidewalk and ignored the people bustling about around me as tears started to well up in my eyes. I clenched my fists, thinking of when Remi told me I wouldn’t achieve my dreams. He was right; and that made everything hurt even more.

  “I figured I could catch you here at some point,” A familiar voice next to me spoke up. I looked up only to see Remi himself standing next to me with a cautious look on his face. I looked at him and instantly looked away. A sick feeling trickled down my throat and settled in my stomach. My skin crawled and tingled. My hands clenched even tighter. He was the last person I ever wanted to see again. A part of me wanted to run, but another part of me felt too defeated to even take a step. I just stood there, staring at the ground and willing my tears not to spill over and fall down my cheek.

  Even breathing was difficult. The sounds of construction from the inside of the building had built up to a deafening level, but the moment the sound of his voice reached my ears, the noise seemed to have stopped.

  I swallowed hard. "Are you so bored already that you've come to ruin my life even more?" I tightened my fists; I had just told him the very thing I didn't want him to know. The last thing I wanted to admit to him was that he had ruined my dreams. My only source of comfort was assuring myself he probably already knew.

  “No,” he muttered. His voice sounded a bit depressed. I stayed quiet. “I was hoping I’d find you here so I could thank you for showing me the truth.”

  “What are you talking about?” I said as I looked up at him.

  “You were right when you told me I wouldn’t be happy if I tied my happiness to my father’s approval. I lived so long seeking his approval and you even warned me that was no way to live, but I didn’t listen. You were always right.”

  I knew Remi was hoping for some kind of response, maybe even sympathy, but I refused to give him either.

  “If I’m going to be happy, I need to do what I want and what’s right for me,” he said.

  “Well then you’re on the right track. You always get what you want one way or another. You always do what’s right for you.” I shot back and for a moment I saw hurt in his eyes.

  “You’re right, but you’re only partially right. A lot of the things I’ve done haven’t been chasing true happiness. I didn’t even know what true happiness looked like until recently.”

  I stared forward at the boarded up front of the building. I was so closed off to him. I was holding on to every bad feeling I had toward Remi and that was terribly unhealthy.

  Deep down I knew I didn't actually hate him. I wanted to despise him; only because it would make things easier. But for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to truly hate him, even after all the things he had done to me. Maybe it was because I could feel the genuineness in his voice. I drew in a deep breath as I imagined what the giant storefront windows would look like when the place was finished.

  “I’m sure it’ll make a pretty gym.”

  It pained me to give him any sort of compliment, but I meant it. For all the pain he had caused me, I still wished him the best. I had finally accepted everything that had happened and I just wanted to let the pain go. In that one statement, I was saying goodbye to my dream and to him. It was refreshing. Just like I had told Remi he couldn’t tie his happiness to someone else, I had to do the same.

  “No,” Remi said as his eyes locked onto mine, “it won’t make a pretty gym.”

  My face scrunched in co
nfusion as I looked at him for a moment. He looked back at me with the softest smile I had ever seen on him. I quickly turned back to face the building just as some workers were removing the plywood from the front windows. As they took another board off one of the windows an elegant logo was revealed. It was written in cursive and etched into the large, clear windowpane.

  It read simply—‘Evelyn’s.’

  At once, tears welled up in my eyes. My breath caught in my throat. I took a step forward now that I could clearly see inside. It wasn’t a gym or a big, empty building. It was a restaurant. I cupped my hands and peered through the windows. I could see the main dining room as well as a bar area tucked in a corner. My heart was racing. I couldn’t believe what I was looking at. I coughed and that was when I finally remembered to breathe! I took a moment to catch my breath before turning to look at Remi, waiting for answers.