Dead (A Lot)

by Howard Odentz

  “Gimme that,” he barked at his partner. I heard a clicking sound, and Trina’s legs stiffened.

  “The one pointing a gun at your pretty little head wants to know, little sister.”

  “What? You going to shoot me now?”

  “If you don’t answer my questions, I just might.”

  “Cal. Stop it, Dude. She’s just a kid. Probably not even old enough to drive.”

  Trina was dancing on the edge of a knife. “The hell I’m not, soldier boy.”

  I heard loud stomping, and the next thing I knew, one of the soldiers, probably Cal, was mouth breathing right into Trina’s face.

  “I said, is that your van?” he growled.

  “Get out of my face, you ugly G.I. Joe.”

  Crack. He backhanded her hard, and I squeezed my nails into my palm so tightly I almost drew blood. I bit my lip and prayed Trina hadn’t gone too far. This was a dangerous game she was playing.

  “Cal, stop,” pleaded the other soldier.

  “Shut up, Luke.”

  “I think you should listen to your friend, Cal,” hissed my sister.

  “I bet you do. I’m gonna ask you one more time, and I’m not going to ask you again. You feel me?” Trina’s legs both jerked and lifted right off the ground. Cal had yanked her off her feet by her shoulders. “Is . . . that . . . your . . . van?” he seethed. I could hear the bile in his voice. I think he was the kind of guy who liked to hit girls.

  “Yes,” whispered my sister through clenched teeth. “I stole a minivan.”

  Cal laughed.

  “That’s a federal offense, missy.” He dragged Trina right over the counter. I heard her land with a thud on the other side.

  “Ow,” she yelped.

  “Shut up,” he yelled at her. “Where did you come from?”

  I didn’t hear her say anything, and I got really scared. I chanced a peek through the glass and saw one of the soldiers, I’m guessing Cal, bent down in front of Trina. He grabbed her hair and knotted it into his hands before leaning in so his face was right in hers.

  “Where?” he snarled.

  “Am . . . Amherst,” she sniffed. Then she let the waterworks flow. I swear it was like watching an Oscar winning performance, because apart from her little meltdown on top of Mount Sugarloaf, Trina wasn’t one to cry. This was a total fabrication. She was buying time. I’m just not exactly sure what she wanted me to do.

  “Damn it, Cal. Now look what you gone and done?”

  Luke, the other soldier, came over and pushed Cal out of the way. He squatted down on his knees and let Trina get a good, old cry on while he patiently waited for her to stop.

  Cal stood up and slung the huge gun over his shoulder.

  “I’m not watching this. Bring her or leave her, I don’t give a crap. Diana said she wants survivors. She’s a survivor. Just ‘cause the whole world shut down don’t mean it’s time to stop obeying orders because of a pretty face. That ain’t the army I signed up for.” He clomped to the front of the store, right out the door, and down the steps.

  “You okay?” Luke said to Trina after Cal stomped off like a little kid on a playground who didn’t want to share his ball anymore.

  “I . . . I don’t feel good,” she whimpered. “I think I need a doctor.”

  Ah, that’s the Trina I knew and loved. Hopefully needing a doctor would get Thing One and Thing Two to lead us right to Mom and Dad.

  “Don’t feel good . . . where?”

  Trina tentatively clutched her stomach.

  “I’ve been puking for a week. I was going to go to the doctor on campus, but . . . but . . . everything happened.”

  “Damn, girl. You telling me you in the family way?”

  Trina let loose with the waterworks again. “He . . . he said he loved me.”

  Two Oscars—definitely two Oscars—one for best actress in a horror film and one for best actress in a comedy.

  “They all say that,” said Luke. He stood up and held out his hand to Trina. At first she didn’t take it. She shot a quick glance my way. I’m not sure if she knew I was watching or not. Finally, she gave her hand to Luke, and he took it and hauled her up.

  That’s when her knee connected to that place on a guy you’re never, ever supposed to knee, well, except if you’re Prianka.

  She dropped him like a dead llama.

  61

  “SO NOW WHAT?” I said as I finished wrapping the duct tape I found behind the counter around Luke’s legs.

  His arms were easy. He was so doubled over in pain he didn’t even know what was happening. Trina pulled her shoe and sock off and crammed the white cotton ball of smelliness in his mouth. He kicked a lot with his legs, so Trina sat on his chest, and I sat on his knees while I wound the silver tape around and around his calves until he couldn’t move.

  Finally, I wrapped a piece of tape around his head to secure the sock in place. Gross? Yes. A necessity? You betcha.

  After making sure Bullseye stayed put, we dragged Luke to the back of the store, frantically looking for any place to hide while we had a chance to stop and think.

  There was a bathroom there. We shoved Luke inside and scrambled in after him. I left the door slightly ajar and peeked through the crack. I could still see out the front door. Cal was leaning up against the jeep and smoking a cigarette. Well, if Poxers didn’t kill him, I knew what would.

  I turned to my sister. “That was really stupid, you know?”

  Trina snorted. “I couldn’t think of anything else. It doesn’t matter. The point is they know where Mom and Dad are. They’re being held by some psychopath named Diana. I could have just let them take me there, but what good would that have done? We don’t need to be taken there. We just need to know where ‘there’ is.”

  “I guess,” I whispered. “What about Sargent Micro Brain out there?”

  “I don’t know,” she whispered. “I don’t know.”

  Luke stared at the two of us with venom in his eyes.

  “Your buddy likes to hit girls, doesn’t he?” I said. “Not cool, man. So not cool.”

  Trina started biting her fingernails. If she had a bag of potato chips handy, she would be sinking her paws elbow deep into all that greasiness and shoveling them, double fisted, into her mouth.

  “Are you okay?” I asked her.

  “No. I’m totally not okay. We just, well, I think we just committed treason or something. Isn’t assaulting someone in the Army like assaulting a cop?”

  One wasn’t much better than the other. Trina chomped away at her fingernails at a record clip.

  I peeked out the door again and saw that Bullseye had crawled out from underneath the counter and was trying to make his way back to us. I kept shaking my head no, but he plastered on a grimace of determination and began belly crawling in our direction.

  Outside, Cal flicked his cigarette into the wind, shouldered his mega-gun, and headed back up the stairs to the shoppe.

  Bullseye heard the door open and froze. My heart started beating faster and faster. Now what were we going to do?

  “Yo, Luke. What’s the deal?” Cal stopped and looked around the store. “Yo. Where is everybody?”

  That’s when Bullseye started crying again. What was he thinking, leaving his hidey hole behind the counter? Now he was really screwed and maybe me and Trina along with him.

  He wasn’t even just crying—he was sobbing—awful, snot filled heaves that wracked his body in spasms. He didn’t even attempt to hide. He just collapsed on his stomach and lay there, wailing and blubbering like an absolute lunatic.

  “We’re so screwed,” I whispered.

  “What the . . .” Cal stood there for a moment not sure what to do. On one hand, Luke and Trina were gone. On the other, there was a little kid in front of him
, very much alive and having a major nuclear meltdown.

  I guess he wasn’t all bad, because he made his way through the store and hunkered down next to Bullseye.

  “Hey, Buddy?” he said. “It’s okay. I’m with the Army. Everything will be okay now.”

  Bullseye wailed louder and louder.

  “Jeez,” said Cal and took his gun off his shoulder and put it down next to him. “Come on, Little Guy. I ain’t gonna hurt you. Honest.” Cal reached over and gently put his big, meaty hand on Bullseye’s shoulder and turned him over.

  What he found was the muzzle of the pistol Bullseye had tucked into his pants, pointing right in his face.

  “I wish I could say the same,” seethed Bullseye through gritted teeth. “Now put your arms over your head before I blow your ugly nose off your ugly puss.”

  “Um . . . uh . . .”

  “Do it,” he screamed and shot off a bullet that whizzed right by Cal’s ear and hit the wall on the opposite side of the store.

  Trina and I burst out of the bathroom and ran to Bullseye.

  “What the hell is this?” barked Cal.

  “This is us saving ourselves and you letting a twelve year old get the drop on you,” said Trina. “I guess basic training was a lot more basic than they let on.”

  “Did I do good?” asked Bullseye as he leveled his gun right between Cal’s eyes.

  “Good?” I exclaimed. “Are you kidding me?” I stared back and forth between him and Cal. The soldier’s face was in the process of turning roughly the color of a tomato. Bullseye’s hands were steady on the gun. “Good is an understatement. You did awesome.”

  62

  EVERYTHING SHOULD have been easy, right? All they had to do was tell us where our parents were and we’d drop them some place nice and safe with no poxers around and a fighting chance to get back to wherever they came from?

  No dice. If nothing else, both Luke and Cal were military micro-brains through and through. We put them in the middle of the gun shoppe, sitting in chairs facing the three of us. We had duct taped them so tightly to their seats that a fart couldn’t squeeze out.

  I knew we had to eventually cut them loose, but watching Trina, I wasn’t so sure that was part of her game plan.

  Without warning, she cracked Cal across the face with her open palm.

  “That was for hitting me,” she said. She made like she was going to turn away, but instead she back handed him across the face again. “And that was because I wanted to, you dumb ape.”

  Cal grunted because he couldn’t talk with duct tape over his mouth. His eyes, however, burned with anger. I could see he was boiling inside.

  I stepped forward and put my hands on Trina’s shoulders.

  “My turn,” I said and reached around the back of Luke’s head and peeled away the tape that was covering his mouth.

  “Don’t say a word,” I breathed as I pulled my sister’s smelly sock out of his mouth. He coughed and spat on the floor but said nothing.

  Gross.

  I moved over to Cal. His eyes bore into me. If I had to guess, I’d say that Cal was the scarier of the two. I could almost see the wheels inside his head churning. He wanted to get loose badly. He wanted to make us pay for what we did to him and his buddy. The fact that we were kids made no difference to him at all. Funny how you can read all that in a person’s face.

  I ripped the tape off his mouth, too, probably pulling some face stubble along with it. He glared at me but said nothing.

  Trina spoke first.

  “Here’s the deal. You took two people who were coming to meet us,” she said. “Those two people, the doctor and his wife, happen to be our parents.”

  Both soldiers stayed quiet.

  “You’re going to tell us where they are,” I said. “Piece of cake. If you don’t, well, there’s no ‘if you don’t.’ You’re just going to tell us where they are, or we’re going to make you.”

  I crossed my arms over my chest and tried to look as menacing as I could. Trina put her arms on her hips. Bullseye stood behind her with his pistol at his side.

  Cal lifted his chin and looked directly ahead to an invisible spot on the wall behind us.

  “Private Calvin Pooler,” he said in a very clear voice. “North Carolina Unit 118, 9719021.”

  “What?” said Trina.

  “Private Calvin Pooler,” he said again, not looking at either of us. North Carolina Unit 118, 9719021.”

  I shook my head. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

  “Private Lucas Longo,” said Luke. He also looked straight ahead. “North Carolina Unit 118, 2688417.”

  “What the hell?” barked Trina.

  “Unbelievable,” I said.

  “What?”

  “Name, rank, and serial number. They’re actually giving us their name, rank, and serial number.”

  That’s how it went for the next ten minutes. Anything we asked, any way we begged, they refused to say anything but the same old tired line.

  Finally Bullseye offered to shoot one of them.

  “NO,” we both yelped in unison.

  “Why not? That’s what would happen in the movies.”

  “Because,” I said. “Despite the fact that the world has turned into one great, big pile of crap, we don’t have the right to shoot anybody.” I looked at Trina because I wasn’t quite sure I was speaking for both of us. “Right? Trina? Right?”

  Trina licked her lips.

  “Why not?” she said without any feeling in her voice at all. “Frankly, if we shoot one of them, the other one might talk.”

  She held out her hand for Bullseye’s gun. He stared at her, clearly ready to puff out his prepubescent chest and stand his ground. Instead, he just scuffed the floor with his foot and handed the butt over to her. She weighed the gun in her hand before turning to face the soldiers.

  “Sorry, Calvin,” she said and pointed the gun at his face. “I just plain don’t like you.”

  A bead of sweat dripped down from his closely cropped hair and traveled along the bridge of his nose. His eyes still registered off-the-charts hatred, or he had to pee in the worst way. I wasn’t sure.

  “She’s going to ask you one more time,” I said very slowly and deliberately. “After that I take no responsibility for my sister’s actions. She wants our parents. We both do.”

  Trina cocked the gun, and I prepared for the worst. I’m not sure she’d really shoot, but at the moment, all bets were off. Besides, a bruise was starting to turn dark green where Calvin Pooler, North Caroline Unit 118, 9719021, had smacked my sister. If she had a chance to catch a glimpse of her reflection, I think she’d be pointing that gun between his legs not between his eyes.

  Long seconds passed. Finally Bullseye cracked.

  “Wait,” he cried.

  “For what? Trina snapped.

  “Just, just wait.”

  “For what?” she demanded again.

  “You . . . you don’t get to decide this. You just don’t.”

  “He’s right,” I said. “You don’t just get to decide this. They’re not poxers. They’re people.”

  “Barely,” she hissed. She juggled the gun in her hands. I was positive it was going to go off by accident. “So what do you want me to do?”

  “First, give the gun back. I don’t want you holding it.”

  “Fine,” she muttered and handed the gun back to Bullseye. “Now what?”

  I took a deep breath. “We bring them with us and let the others help decide.”

  The words came out of my mouth before I knew what I was saying. What was I thinking? I didn’t want to expose Prianka to this. What about Jimmy? What about Sanjay?

  Still, in the end, that’s exactly what we did.

  63

 
DUMB AND DUMBER had packed their jeep full with guns and ammunition from the Purgatory Chasm Gun Shoppe. There were also several cartons of cigarettes, a case of lighter fluid, a few other scary looking Army things, and groceries. A green cloth shopping bag printed with the words ‘Save the Planet—Recycle’ looked totally out of place next to the rest of their gear.

  I guess, in the end, everyone was trying to do their part to reduce their carbon footprint.

  We decided to take their jeep with us. Extra supplies were always a good thing. None of us were into unpacking the jeep and repacking Stella’s minivan. We just wanted to get back to Aunt Ella’s and figure out how to get Cal and Luke to talk. Besides, if they had friends, I didn’t want to leave a trace of them anywhere.

  No way.

  Before we left, I ran across the street to a small drugstore. Inside, I found two rolls of ace bandages. We wrapped them around the soldiers’ heads, making sure to cover their eyes. Then we taped them in place.

  “What are you doing?” Cal muttered in that raspy, nasty voice of his.

  “Making sure you don’t know where we’re going,” snipped Trina. “Honestly, have you ever read a book or watched TV?”

  “You better hope I don’t get loose, little girl. You’re in for a world of hurt when I do.”

  “Shut up,” Trina said and duct taped his mouth again.

  When she went to tape Luke’s mouth, he said, “I’m good. I’ll keep my trap shut.”

  “You do that,” she told him and left the duct tape off his mouth.

  Trina had learned to drive on a stick, and I really sucked at the whole clutch and pedal method, so we decided that she would take the jeep along with Bullseye and I would take the minivan with our guests.

  We had a hard time loading them in because there was no way we were going to untape them, but damn, they were heavy. I put the seats down, and together, Trina, Bullseye, and I slid them in on their backs, chairs and all.

  Then we left Purgatory Chasm and wound our way back up to the Trail.

  “I got to hand it to you guys,” I said as I passed the Romance Rendezvous and spun the wheel of the minivan back the way we came. “I mean, seriously, less than a week ago you were the go-to guys if us civilian types ever needed help.”